Just A Harmless Siege: Take 3
From Whiplash Productions
Copyright Jazz: Mr. T suddenly appears in a flash of light. "Hey sucka', I pity the fool who thinks this guy owns Swat Kats! My mans from Swat Kats are copyright to Hanna-Barbara, and I don't wanna' hear no jibber-jabber 'bout it! The T has spoken!" Mr. T vanishes.
*Author's Notation: Eh heh . . . no comment . . . just read this slacker's insane ending. Thank you all for your patience and wonderful comments and ideas. There are some parts in the chapter that may be a little stronger than PG, but still not, I don't think, classifiable as PG-13. So . . . once again, I apologize for the wait, and hopefully by wrapping things up I can focus on some new ideas I've conjured up in these past few inactive months. But for now, I leave you with this.
--------------------------------
"You're majesty!" A guard rushed into the royal boredom room, where Madkat was busy juggling three flaming swords while balancing on a large ball and humming "Eye of the Tiger". Needless to say, with the guardsmen's hasty entrance, he lost his concentration.
"Ack-gulp!" Madkat toppled to the floor, where all three swords landed in his mouth. Eyes bulging from the extreme heat, Madkat promptly spat them out and ran around the room with smoke billowing from his enflamed mouth.
Callista had a fit of hysteria, toppling out of her throne booming with laughter. The guardsmen with urgent news even stopped to point and laugh at the smoking Madkat. Wiping tears from her eyes, Callista somehow managed to claw her way back into the throne.
"Yes . . . Royal guardsmen - hehe! - you had some . . . news?" Callista asked breathlessly, still giggling.
The guard promptly stood to attention, his face twisted in an expression of graveness and amusement. "My queen, we're . . . phht!" The guard broke down and started laughing once again at Madkat's plight.
"Spit it out, fool!" Callista roared.
"We're under attack! Woohoohoo!! The clowns! Weeheehee! They're . . . bahahaha! . . . throwing cream pies . . . guahahaha! . . . at our south wall . . . wahahaha . . . and bulldozing our moat from the north . . . ahahahaha! I think . . . gehehehe . . . we're all . . . teeheehee . . . gonna' die!! Neeheeheehee!" The guard bellowed, clutching his gut in laughter.
"WHAT!?! This is no laughing matter, you numbskull!! I just had the south wall painted!! And what in kat's name is 'bulldozing'?" Callista exclaimed, jumping from her throne. "Those vile clowns! They'll pay for this outrage!" She glared at her guard, still lying on the floor snickering. "Stop laughing!! It wasn't that funny! We're in a grave situation here!! Do you hear me?! Why you, grr!"
As the guardsmen continued to spasm with laughter, Callista's face turned bright red, and she reached for one of the swords dripping with Madkat's saliva.
--------------------------------*We interrupt this potentially PG-13 scene to bring you this*
A battered and bruised Dr. Viper hobbles onto the screen. His tail and leg are bandaged up, and a crutch resides under one of his arms.
"Hey there, kiddiesssss! You're good friend Dr. Viper here!" He greeted, with as much enthusiasm as he could manage out of his swollen jaw.
A small kitten, dressed in a Swat Kat costume bounced into the scene.
"Gee whiz, Dr. Viper, why do you look like a rotten vegetable, all battered and bruised?" The little kitten asks, paws folded behind his back innocently.
"GAH!! Help!! Mayday!! Rape!" Viper screamed, nearly jumping out of his casts before realizing the incredible shortness of this "Swat Kat" before him. Regaining his composure, Viper pulled out his inhaler and took many a slow, deep breath as the young tot looked on in puzzlement.
"Golly, Dr. Viper, you sure seem nervous! Got ants in your pants?" The small kitten noticed, still obviously confused.
Viper threw him a glare, as they remained in perpetual silence for quite some seconds.
"For one thing, I am not nervoussssss!" Viper finally hissed, trying to smile and seem pleasant while doing so, "And it'sssss quite impossssssible for me to have antssss in my pantssss sssssseeing asssss I don't have any pantssssss on in the firsssst plassssce! Sssssilly, sssssilly, stupidSwatKatimpersonating . . . boy."
Viper continued grinning widely as he stiffly patted the boy's small head. The kitten snickered somewhat, pointing at Viper.
"Boy, those Swat Kats sure messed you up after you sent that giant palm tree monster into Megakat City in the last chapter! I figured, being the 254th official third Swat Kat and all, I should make sure you don't try anything funny by taunting and degrading your self-esteem while masked in my naïve innocence." He gloated, standing proudly.
Viper's eyes suddenly shot open, and a light bulb appeared over his head. Giving a devilish grin, Viper clicked off the light bulb over his head and looked down at the small kitten by his side.
"Oh, oh! You wisssssh to help the Ssssswat Katssss do you, my dear boy? Well why didn't you ssssssay ssssso? I have jussssst the thing that will help you defeat them-me! Defeat me! Not them. Me. I. Mysssself. Defeat Viper. No defeat Ssssswat Katssss. Okay?" Viper gleamed, pulling a flask out of his leg cast.
"Well, golly Dr. Viper, that's awful nice of you!" The kitten smiled, "After all, the Swat Kats Official Third Member Handbook says that I am suppose to single-handedly defeat the villain! What do I do?"
"Jusssst drink down this yummy cherry flavored kataly-er, villain remover, and in no time at all, you'll be helping the Ssssswat Katsssss!" Viper chimed, edging the vial towards the small kat's mouth.
"B-But, I don't like cherry," The kitten whined, frowning at the vial nearing him.
"That'ssss okay," Viper stated gruffly, forcing the contents of the vial down the young lad's throat, "I lied anywayssss. The flavor'ssss terrible."
The kitten gasped, as his entire body began to wrinkle, and his demeanor turned utterly sour. After a moments time of mutation, Viper himself couldn't suppress the gasp that followed the hideous thing the poor kitten had become. Alas, the Swat Kat impersonating youngster had been turned into . . . Simon Clawell.
"You know Dr. Viper, you could very well be the worst super-villain in the world. I think your whole swamp fetish is an absolute joke," He stated, arms folded across his chest.
"Eh . . . well . . . I know you are but what am I!" Viper retorted, sticking out his tongue, "Now ussssse your amazing gift of . . . grouchinessss to demean and put down the Ssssswat Katssss . . . and Dark Kat. Essssspessscially Dark Kat. Commander Feral too. In fact, the whole populassssce of Megakat City. I guessss that'sss sssssinisssster enough even for you . . ."
The creature went on its destructive way. Sensing this was the end of the Viper installment, two legal attorneys marched into the scene, attaché cases by their side. They wore green suits and had recycled ties that read "Save the Earth" and "Planeteer Power" over them.
"Uh, d-don't fail to remind yourssssself," Viper stated, looking over his shoulder uneasily, "Th-the ability or capasssscity to do ssssomething issss, um . . . gimme' a Y, gimme' a O, gimme' a U, gimme' a R, gimme' a Sssss! What' doessss that sssspell? YOURSsssss!! Eh heh . . . "
Viper gave a big innocent grin, sweat drops pouring down his features as the lawyers tapped their moccasins and crossed their arms in an irritated fashion.
--------------------------------*We now return you to our regularly scheduled story*
"And if you *ever* disobey me again, guard," Callista growled, "I'll poke out more than just one eye! Capeesh!"
"Oh no, your highness! Please!" The guard cried, weeping into his hands, "Spare the innocent potato! I cannot bare to see poor vegetables tortured!"
Holding a maimed potato in one hand, the sword in the other, Callista cackled evilly and walked up to the guard.
"Quick! Round up the Queen's loyal knights and have them do battle against those ruffian clowns!" Callista barked, shoving the potato and sword into the sobbing guard's hands, "Oh, and release . . . the secret weapon!"
The guard gasped. "No! You don't mean . . ."
"Yes," Callista stated gravely, "We must. Guard, I'm asking you to . . . to . . . unleash the banana peels!"
The guard gasped, dropping the potato and sword with a squish and a smash, but nonetheless bowed and hurried to carry out the order.
--------------------------------On the front lines . . .
"Things are going wonderfully!" Dark Kat praised, cackling, "Go, my klownlings, attack! Bwahahaha!"
Indeed, the tide was in fact in Dark Kat and Co.'s favor for the moment. They had successfully covered the entire south wall with cream pies, and the bulldozers were busy scooping out the water from the moat. The castle's guards were completely aghast at what they should do. They weren't exactly being threatened yet, save those among them who had terrible allergic reactions to coconut cream pie, so no retaliation was set in motion yet.
The crocodiles, on the other claw, weren't too appreciative of their moat water being dumped out. They were huddled together in knee-deep water, arms linked around their shoulders.
"Okay, we'll do it like this," One crocodile stated, looking around at the rest, "Shorty'll go up the middle while Scales fakes a hand off to Reggie. Wanda and Willy will block up field, while the rest of us make profane gestures towards the stands. Alright?"
All the crocodiles grunted in agreement.
"Break!"
The gators broke from their huddle and took up their positions on the bank, right in front of a running bulldozer. The clown attending the bulldozer was, of course, slacking off by dozing in the middle of the siege. The head croc walked up behind his offensive line, leaned down behind a crouched center croc, and patted the center's tail.
"47! 22! Bluuuuuue-hut! Hut! Hike!"
All at once, all of the crocodiles switched into blue tunics with little blue caps and whistled innocently as they strolled up to the bulldozer, swinging their nightsticks casually. Before the napping clown knew what hit him, the crocs had roughly pulled him from the running bulldozer and thrown him to the grown.
"Police brutality! Police brutality!" The clown cried, as the gang of crocodiles proceeded to rough him up.
A dozen or so other clowns quickly rushed to their comrade's aid by circling the group of crocs and videotaping it all.
"Hang in their, pally! We're gettin' all this on tape!"
"This kind of clown segregation must end before someone gets hurt!"
"Oooh! He felt that one!"
"That's right! Show the camera pain! You're doing beautifully, bud!"
Soon after the carnage had started, it ended by the head croc and his gang leaping into the bulldozer and chugging off into the forest, singing "We Are The Champions." Mac and Molly just stood in the midst of this all, somewhat taken aback, as one of their bulldozers had just been highjacked by a pack of crocodiles.
"Well . . . at least we don't have ta' worry about the crocodiles anymore . . ." Mac said offhand.
"And we's still gots a couple more bulldozers, right . . ." Molly offered.
As they turned back towards the moat, they were horrified to find a group of piranhas taking the same formation as the crocs against one of their bulldozers, and farther down, a pack of leeches were just now breaking from their huddle in the moat.
"How are things coming along, my klownling?" Dark Kat questioned, coming up to the pie catapult.
"Okay, for one thing, I am *not* your klownling. That just sounds, sick and wrong," A spectacled clown stated, looking up from it's notepad, "For another thing, at the rate we're pieing the castle, I calculate the wall will corrode and allow us entry in around four thousand years, give or take a thousand."
"Excellent!" Dark Kat praised, "No . . . wait . . ."
Just at that moment, a flustered Boss clambered up to Dark Kat.
"Dark Kat! They're throwing out the-Ugh!" Boss collapsed into Dark Kat's arms before he could finish.
"What man! What!?" Dark Kat growled, "What are they throwing ou- . . . holy hairball!"
As Boss had fallen into Dark Kat's arms, it revealed a banana peel stuck right on the small of the temporary cult leader's back. Dark Kat gasped, dropped Boss with a thud, and looked towards the castle walls.
The guards were taking up positions along the perimeter, tossing banana peels down on the battlefield below. Meanwhile, groups of guards were hefting barrels of banana peels over the edge where they exploded into a fray of banana carnage. The clowns were taking heavy casualties.
"Well . . . surely the bulldozers are making progress!" Dark Kat said hopefully.
At that moment, Mac and Molly hopped up to the large purple kat, each with a banana peel adorning their head like a hat.
"Eh . . . how would yous define so-called 'progress.'" Mac queried nervously, "By all our clowns *progressing* away from the battlefield, or perhaps by our quick *progression* from victory ta' bein' skunked . . .?"
"B-b-but . . . the bulldozers . . .!" Dark Kat cried.
"It's like this," Molly explained, "All the bulldozers are either on their sides from slippin' on banana peels, buried in banana peels, or being high jacked by any creatures still left in the moat, includin' banana peels."
A bulldozer full of joyriding banana peels chugged by, with much hooting and hollering escaping from within it. As it drove by, one especially wild peel dangled dangerously out the window.
"Heya' baby! Why doncha' ditch that tin can and split with me! Whoowhoo!" It hollered.
"Fresh talkin' fruit . . ." Molly growled.
"Whadda' we gonna' do, Dark Kat? They're killin' us here!" Mac said, pointing out the obvious.
Dark Kat's frame suddenly took on a heroic stance. "I know now what I must do," He stated plain and simple, climbing up into the catapult. It creaked and groaned horribly under the weight.
"Uh, Dark Kat, whadda' ya' think your doin'?" Molly asked queerly, hopping up beside the catapult.
"No. Don't try to stop me. I must do what I must do," Dark Kat answered gravely.
Mac blinked. ". . .And that would be . . .?"
"You must hurl me over the wall so I may single handedly defeat Callista and restore Madkat to his rightful place as clown cult leader! It is my destiny . . ." Dark Kat dramatically narrated.
"Heh, maybe if we aim *for* the wall, Lardo here will knock it down for us," Molly murmured to Mac.
Dark Kat looked annoyed. "I heard that you know! Just fire me off already!" He grumbled.
"Whatever. It's your funeral," Mac muttered, pushing the lever back.
After a moment's hesitation, the sturdy catapult somehow managed to actually fling Dark Kat a great distance over the moat, but sadly, not high enough to clear the wall. He screamed like a little girl during the entirety of his careen towards the stone structure. A thunderous boom sounded as his form collided into the wall, leaving a massive imprint. After a moments time, the guards who were clinging to each other slowly untangled and went to scrutinize the damage done. As they looked down at the pain-ridden body of Dark Kat plastered to the side of the wall, faint chuckles escaped many of them in their glee to still be standing.
"Alright! We're alive!" A shout rang out.
Everyone suddenly cringed, as the words bounced across the castle's stone walls and made a faint tremor. Nothing. A sigh of relief escaped the hushed guards.
"Phew! That was a close one, huh?" Someone bellowed.
Murder radiated from everyone's eyes at the moron who'd said that, but it was too late. The wall began to tremor violently, and the guards were forced to flee before it completely collapsed. After a few seconds of utter demolishment, all that was left of the south wall was a pile of rubble with some cream pie topping. Oh, and of course, Dark Kat.
"Mac . . ." Dark Kat growled hoarsely, popping his head out from the top of the rubble, very much in pain, "You . . . did that . . . on purpose . . .!"
--------------------------------Somewhere across the globe . . .
"Curse this infernal backwards culture!" The Pastmaster fumed, trying desperately to find a bus station, "They use their own people to tote them from here to there, while letting the lesser creatures of this planet ride first class."
Two well-to-do chickens driving by in a cart happened to hear the Pastmaster's rants and came to a halt.
"I say, who's he calling lesser creatures of the planet? Surely not us!" One said.
"Oh, Harold! Don't be ridiculous! Let the poor dumb beast ramble a little," The other confirmed, paying the kat who had pulled them on the cart.
"Ah, very well then! Shall we cross the road, my dear?"
"Oh, Harold! I thought you'd never ask!"
"Where's a sorcerer have to go around here to get a dragon anyways? That's what I need to get back to Megalith City in style!" The Pastmaster growled.
"Egad! A dragon!" A miscellaneous kat yelled in a poorly dubbed voice, pointing at the sky.
A giant, scruffy looking red dragon swooshed out of the sky right above the small village. Everyone looked up, shrugged, and went on with everyday life. The dragon eyed the citizens warily when they failed to notice it and sighed deeply, tail tucked between its legs, and started to head off dejectedly.
"Ahahahaha! My ticket home!" The Pastmaster snickered, "Wait! Hold on! You there! The big red dragon!"
The hovering dragon paused, looked around for anything else that might fit that description, and turned around questioningly.
"Are you addressing me, sir?" It asked in a rather pathetic sounding voice, landing in front of the Pastmaster.
"Uh . . .er, yes. Yes I am," The Pastmaster replied, taken aback by the frail sounding dragon, "I . . . um . . . am the all-powerful sorcerer known as the Pastmaster. Heed my will or face my wrath!"
There was an awkward silence. Then quite sudden like, the dragon threw up it's wings and let out a most terrified scream that lasted for a good two minutes straight, in which the Pastmaster spent holding onto a post for dear life with only his one arm.
"Oh please! Don't hurt me!" The dragon suddenly wailed, cowering, wings shivering in front of its face, "I'll do anything you want! Anything!! Just don't-AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!"
"What? Just don't what?! Oh, do shut up! SHUT UP!!" The Pastmaster shouted at the top of his lungs over the ear-blistering screams of the dragon.
The dragon abruptly stopped his screaming due to the Pastmaster's command, and sniveled pitifully as it waited for the small red kat to regain his footing with the ground.
"You big oaf!" The Pastmaster started in, "What's the matter with you?! You're a menacing red dragon!! You should be terrorizing, not terrified! What's your name?!"
"Th-Theodore," The dragon whimpered, eyes moistening.
The Pastmaster took on a disgusted face. "Theodore?! What kind of dragon has a name like Theodore?!!" He growled indignantly, "None!! Absolutely no fierce dragon has a name like Theodore! For crying out loud, there was a singing chipmunk named Theodore!!"
Theodore just stood there, lip quivering, on the verge of tears. The Pastmaster sighed, rubbing his head in extreme annoyance. Well, this was his only ticket to Megalith City, atop a crybaby dragon that was probably afraid of its own shadow.
"AAAHHHHHH!!! AAAHHHHHH!!! Get it away!! Get it away!!" Theodore suddenly cried, running around in a circle.
Correction, a crybaby dragon that *was* afraid of its own shadow.
"Freeze, you scale-ridden bag of cowardice!" The Pastmaster demanded, running up to Theodore, "Now you listen to me! You will take me to Megalith City, and if I hear so much as a single squeak from you on the way there, you'll wish you'd never been hatched! Do you hear me?!"
Theodore bit his lip, nodding furiously. That taken care of, the Pastmaster perched himself at the base of Theodore's neck, furiously cursing his bad luck and poor choice in dragons. Theodore flapped his wings a few times and then, began jogging! The Pastmaster was completely aghast.
"By the tome of time, what do you think you're doing!?!" He shrilled.
"W-Well, you said if you heard a s-single s-squeak from me, you'd make me wish I'd n-never been hatched," Theodore began, "A-and sometimes when I fly long distances, I-I wheeze something awful."
"You will fly, NOW!!"
In no time at all, Theodore was air born, choking back a small sob.
--------------------------------Back at the castle . . .
Dark Kat had somehow managed to squirm his figure out of the rubble encasing him. The air was thick with dust and debris, and the big kat felt his asthma catching hold of him. Whipping out his inhaler, he couldn't quite make it out of the oncoming rush of his clown troops over the broken barrier. They trampled over him in their mad dash into the castle.
The fighting only intensified with the south wall now down. There were pie- ridden guards falling everywhere, with just as many banana peeled clowns scattered about the castle. The carnage was so gruesome, Callista just had to get a closer look. Lugging a chained Madkat behind her, they made their way to the highest tower and started wagering money on various skirmishes happening between her guards and the clowns.
"I'll have you know, my clowns are specially trained in the modern art of Pie-Fu! We're gonna' cream your guards, literally!" Madkat boasted.
"Ho ho, that is where you are wrong, Madkat! For it is my guards, specially trained for covert missions and guerrilla tactics, who will ambush and obliterate your clown forces!" Callista shot back.
Finally hopping their way up the rubble, Mac and Molly stopped to take a breather.
"Look, Mac! Up on the highest tower there! It's Callista and some chained up guy wearing spandex!" Molly announced.
"Nuts! Some guys have all the luck . . ." Mac grumbled.
Before Molly had a chance to pound her husband for the comment, the rubble they were on began to shift. Both Metallikats were flung into the air as the raging form of Dark Kat jumped up from his sprawled out position atop the pile of rubble.
"Mac Mange, you little rust bucket!! Just you wait until I . . .I . . ." Dark Kat looked around in a clueless stupor, unable to spot either of the Metallikats.
The two metallic heads were thrown so far in fact, they were hurtling right towards the top of the highest tower, where Callista and Madkat were deadlocked in a match of arm wrestling.
"Ha ha! I see you use the ancient art form of Pinky Toushi in your arm wrestling!" Callista laughed, teeth gritted together, "However, you fail to realize that I have, indeed, mastered the only possible counter-attack to your Pinky Toushi by learning the Kican Stictong technique."
"No!" Madkat shrieked, completely taken off-guard, "That's impossible!"
Callista executed her secret technique by promptly kicking Madkat in the shin and sticking her tongue out, causing the magical jester to temporarily yelp in pain. This resulted in Madkat losing position, his arm falling dangerously close to being overtaken by the queen's arm. He knew he'd have to try something pretty desperate to get out of this horrible predicament.
"Oh . . . uh . . . look!! Two flying metallic heads coming this way! Watch out!" Madkat suddenly shouted, pointing behind Callista.
"Gah!!" Callista shrilled, ducking her head and easing up her arm.
Grinning evilly and beginning to laugh aloud, Madkat caught her arm off guard and managed to push his back up to an upright position. "You idiot! I can't believe you fell for that! There's no such thing as-ack!!"
At that very moment, two metallic heads collided with Madkat's own. He was sent reeling over the edge of the highest tower, dragging along the rather dumbfounded queen. Mac and Molly continued screaming their heads off, pun intended, as they were now joined by the other two in a frightening free- fall towards the castle floor.
"Oh Maaaac! Mollllllly! Where arrrrrrrrrre yooooou? I *promise* not to throw you down my garbage disposal once we get back to MKC . . ." Dark Kat called out, crossing his fingers behind his back, as he searched the battle zone for his two cohorts.
Suddenly, the fighting stopped, as everyone's eyes locked onto their respective leader, tumbling towards their doom after falling from the tower. Dark Kat followed the crowd's gaze only to gasp.
"Kats alive!! They're gonna' die! I've got to do something!" He bellowed, starting towards the base of the tower.
Suddenly, a miniature Dark Kat, completely red, with little horns and a pitchfork, appeared on his shoulder, knocking him on the head.
"Hellooooo! Moron!" It sassed, slowing Dark Kat to a stop, "What are you thinking? Let the four wussies fall! That way, you can take over both their empires and set yourself as the supreme ruler of medieval times! Der!"
"Hey . . . you know something . . . you have an excellent point!" Dark Kat thought, grinning evilly.
At that very moment, another small Dark Kat appeared on his shoulder, just as red, with the same pointy horns and pitchfork.
"Nah!" This one spat, "Go ahead and save 'em! That way, you can personally force them into submission and have them and all their followers become your personal, devoted slaves!"
Dark Kat paused, looking at this new apparition on his shoulder.
"Say! That suggestion was just as evil as the other guy's!" He announced, somewhat perplexed, "What about that other one? You know, with the harp and the wings?"
The two small Dark Kats just looked at him, as seconds ticked by in perpetual silence.
"Oh . . . yeah . . . right . . ." Dark Kat finally pieced together.
Suddenly, yet another devilish Dark Kat specter zapped into existence, right atop the big purple kat's head.
"Don't listen to them, Darkie baby!" It rang, hanging down to look Dark Kat in the eye, "What you wanna' do is-"
"Gah!!" Dark Kat jumped back in surprise, "What?!? Three!?!"
"Well . . . yeah!" The first one replied, scratching its head, "There's actually quite a few of us . . . it's just usually you don't need an evil conscious, so we've quietly multiplied until the fateful day when you would actually subconsciously call for us."
Dozens of little red, horned, pitchfork wielding Dark Kats suddenly zapped into existence, all lounging on any spot they could find available on the giant purple kat. As Dark Kat's eyes bulged at all the miniature replicas of himself, they all began flapping their jaws as to the best way to handle the impending situation while ending up ruling the world in the end.
A couple of guards and clowns snickered, pointing at Dark Kat as his head kept snapping round and round, hands clamped over his ears. Giving a low growl, he finally unlatched his ears and roared.
"QUIET!! ALL OF YOU!!"
The few guards and clowns immediately shut up, eyes bulging at Dark Kat and then glancing at each other. Some made cuckoo sounds, while spinning their finger near their head, while others slowly backed away eyes still locked onto him.
"What to do! What to do! What to do!" Dark Kat fretted, hands clasped behind his back, as he unknowingly paced right under the path of the falling foursome.
"Look! It's Dark Kat!" Mac shouted, still plummeting towards the ground.
"We'res saved!" Molly rejoiced.
Then, still deep in his thinking trance, Dark Kat paced out from under the falling four.
"No, no! He moved!" Callista screamed.
"We're doomed!" Madkat despaired.
"I've got it!" Dark Kat praised, walking back, "I'll just sleep on it! Ha ha!"
Flopping over onto his back, the giant kat closed his eyes and seemed to be nodding off. But before he even had a chance, the Metallikats landed squarely on his stomach and went bouncing off into a strategically placed haystack. One of Dark Kat's eyes flickered open.
"Hmm? Who's tickling m-HOLY-!!"
Dark Kat's wind was abruptly cut off as a sheepish Madkat waved at him after crashing into his gut and being flipped back off into the same haystack as the Manges, followed promptly by Queen Callista. Everyone was okay, and a loud cheer reigned out.
"Hooray! The fat kat hath saved our queen!"
Dark Kat, after taking a few more whiffs of his inhaler, arched an eyebrow at the excited exclamation. "Whoa, now just a minute-"
"Hurrah!! To all the blubber we owe our praise!"
"Well! That was completely uncalled f-"
"Yippee! Our leader was redeemed by the flab!!"
"Hey! You're not exactly skin and bones yourself bud-"
"SILENCE!!" A sudden voice boomed from the sky, hushing all those who cheered inside the castle.
"Owie!" Another voice rang out, cracking with sobs, "You y-yelled right in m-my ear . . . and it was v-very unkind."
Everyone's gaze turned to the sky, and a collective gasp let out at the sight that met them. Atop a misty eyed red dragon, the Pastmaster stood, somewhat annoyed by that last comment, but still an intimidating sight to behold nonetheless.
"It's SPLEEN!! He's alive!!" Dark Kat rejoiced, jumping up and down giddily.
The Pastmaster's annoyed look seemed to intensify at the sight of the large purple arm-stealer below. Snapping his fingers at Theodore, the red dragon slowly fluttered to the ground within the castle. Carefully sitting down and giving himself a bit of a push, the Pastmaster slid down Theodore's back and tail, tumbling head over heels until he ran into Dark Kat's feet. Holding his dizzied head, the Pastmaster slowly regained his feet as everyone looked on in complete and utter terror.
"You!" The Pastmaster growled, pointing a bony hand at Dark Kat's nose.
All was silent. No one stirred. In fact, no one breathed. When things continued like this for a few minutes, some even collapsed from lack of oxygen. Finally, Dark Kat opened his mouth.
"V?" He simply said.
"W!!" The Pastmaster snarled, shaking his fist.
"X . . ." Dark Kat trailed off, looking away.
"Y?" The Pastmaster replied, coming up to him, a saddened expression on his face.
"Z . . . oh Z . . ." Dark Kat murmured reaching into his cloak.
"What . . . are they doin'. . .?" Molly asked, completely at a loss.
"Shh!! It's getting to the good part!" Mac hushed, a tear in his eye.
Out of his cloak, Dark Kat revealed the treasured, not to mention red, left arm of the Pastmaster. The Pastmaster's eyes lit up, as he snatched up the bone and soundly slapped Dark Kat across the jaw with it.
"Bwahahahaha!! Now . . .!! To send you ugly face-painting beings from the future into the vortex of despair, where you're doomed to spend eternity jazzercising with Kitchard Simmons!! Gwahahaha!!" The Pastmaster cackled, popping the arm back into his empty socket.
"Despair?!" Mac cried.
"Ugly?!" Madkat shouted.
"Richard . . .er, Kitchard Simmons?!!" Molly shrieked.
"Jazzercising!!!??!" Dark Kat wailed, turning pale.
"Yes, yes, yes, and *especially* yes! Wahahaha!" The Pastmaster jeered, pointing at them all.
Finally clawing her way out of the haystack, Callista glared at the Pastmaster.
"Pastmaster, you wretched little gnome! How dare you defile this perfectly healthy siege with your foul smelling presence!" She barked.
"Flattery will get you nowhere sweetums," The Pastmaster gleamed with a bow, "So just sit your pretty little self down and watch me take care of these filthy clowns."
"Wait!" Callista warned, "You can't!"
"Wow, the queen really does care." Mac commented.
"I knew you had it in ya', Queenie!" Madkat smiled proudly.
"Huh, what? Ugh, don't talk to me! Losers . . ." Callista snapped, flicking her hair, "PM, you can't send them into the vortex of despair without also throwing in this really, really stupid cow my hunters found. I mean, it's so stupid, it thinks it can talk."
"But I *can* talk!! What are you people, deaf or something?!" A familiar looking steer snorted, trotting into the scene.
"GASP!!" Dark Kat squeaked, completely taken aback, "Jezebel!! You're alive!!"
"Yeah," Jezebel sighed, rolling its eyes, "It's part of the story's big surprise ending."
"Aw . . .she's so cute when she acts like she knows what your saying," Dark Kat cooed, "But wow! This is great! It's like, raise-from-the-dead day or something! Man, I feel so good, I could just conquer a small nation . . . really!"
"Oh, gag me!" The Pastmaster groaned, holding up his watch, "I'm throwing you all in before anymore sentimental crap leaks into this ridiculous story! Evil forces of which I really don't care, throw these morons into the vortex of-"
"An Enforcer cell!"
" . . .What? Nononono!! That's not right! You idiot!" The Pastmaster cursed, thrashing at Theodore like mad.
Yet before the Pastmaster had time to revert the spell, Dark Kat, the Metallikats, Madkat, all the clowns, and even Jezebel were sucked into a spiraling vortex and disappeared. The Pastmaster raged even more, swinging his fists around, hitting a few guards in his fury, and even unknowingly knocking out Callista with a swing across the chin. Unfortunately, his left arm, being just newly required and set, suddenly plopped out of its socket with a hard thud to the ground. Almost in tears with anger, the Pastmaster finally turned to Theodore, one arm short.
"What were you thinking, you infernal red blockhead!?!?" He screeched, clenching his teeth and hand and just about anything that could be clenched.
"Well . . .I uh, rhyming games always g-get me excited, so I-I just kinda' said the first thing that c-came into my head . . ." Theodore explained, eyes moistening and lip quivering.
The Pastmaster began twitching convulsively, his face contorting into that of pure malice and hatred.
"An . . . Enforcer . . . cell . . . was the first . . . thing . . . that came to your mind . . .?" He started, before completely boiling over, "YOU INCOMPETENT FOOL!!! THAT DIDN'T EVEN RHYME!!! AND HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT ENFORCERS!!??"
--------------------------------Somewhere over the rainbow . . .
A frenzied knocking came at Commander Feral's door, as a wry looking officer let himself in. Feral froze, an Enforcer Commando Barbie in one hand, an Innocent Victim Ken in the other.
"Commander Feral . . . sir . . ." The lieutenant started, peering at him rather oddly.
"Yes . . . Lt.?" Feral replied, somewhat clearing his throat.
"We, ah, had this weird spectral anomaly open up in one of our cells, and, heh, you're not going to believe this!" The Lt. chuckled, slapping his knee and leaning himself against the wall.
"I'll believe it!" Feral growled impatiently, clutching his Enforcer Commando doll even tighter.
"Well, out of this vortex thing comes Dark Kat, two metal balls that we're confirming as the Metallikats' heads, Madkat, a bunch of clowns, and this steer." The Lt. explains.
"Yes . . .your point . . .?" Feral seethed, turning a bit pinkish.
"It's just, they plopped right into the jail cell and now are demanding to see their lawyers. Just thought you ought to know, sir." The Lt. finished.
"Okay, well, now I do . . .soleavemealone!" Feral barked, shaking Innocent Victim Ken at the officer.
"Yes sir. Just doing my job." The Lt. replied, saluting, and turning to leave.
" . . . and lieutenant." Feral said darkly, a sudden shadow falling across his face.
"Yes, sir?" The Lt. asked, looking back.
"You never saw any of this . . ."
"I never do sir . . ."
"Good . . ."
"Good . . ."
"You're getting a raise . . ."
"I know . . ."
"Oh . . ."
"Good day to you, sir . . ."
"You too, Lt. . . ."
--------------------------------The . . . dare I say it? . . .End
Okay, so it took me nearly a year to finish this stupid thing, and it was still just as bad as the rest of the story. If you can still remember the point of this fic, reviews are happily accepted as always, and maybe someday I'll break these boys outta' prison for a threequel. Until then, thanks for reading!
From Whiplash Productions
Copyright Jazz: Mr. T suddenly appears in a flash of light. "Hey sucka', I pity the fool who thinks this guy owns Swat Kats! My mans from Swat Kats are copyright to Hanna-Barbara, and I don't wanna' hear no jibber-jabber 'bout it! The T has spoken!" Mr. T vanishes.
*Author's Notation: Eh heh . . . no comment . . . just read this slacker's insane ending. Thank you all for your patience and wonderful comments and ideas. There are some parts in the chapter that may be a little stronger than PG, but still not, I don't think, classifiable as PG-13. So . . . once again, I apologize for the wait, and hopefully by wrapping things up I can focus on some new ideas I've conjured up in these past few inactive months. But for now, I leave you with this.
--------------------------------
"You're majesty!" A guard rushed into the royal boredom room, where Madkat was busy juggling three flaming swords while balancing on a large ball and humming "Eye of the Tiger". Needless to say, with the guardsmen's hasty entrance, he lost his concentration.
"Ack-gulp!" Madkat toppled to the floor, where all three swords landed in his mouth. Eyes bulging from the extreme heat, Madkat promptly spat them out and ran around the room with smoke billowing from his enflamed mouth.
Callista had a fit of hysteria, toppling out of her throne booming with laughter. The guardsmen with urgent news even stopped to point and laugh at the smoking Madkat. Wiping tears from her eyes, Callista somehow managed to claw her way back into the throne.
"Yes . . . Royal guardsmen - hehe! - you had some . . . news?" Callista asked breathlessly, still giggling.
The guard promptly stood to attention, his face twisted in an expression of graveness and amusement. "My queen, we're . . . phht!" The guard broke down and started laughing once again at Madkat's plight.
"Spit it out, fool!" Callista roared.
"We're under attack! Woohoohoo!! The clowns! Weeheehee! They're . . . bahahaha! . . . throwing cream pies . . . guahahaha! . . . at our south wall . . . wahahaha . . . and bulldozing our moat from the north . . . ahahahaha! I think . . . gehehehe . . . we're all . . . teeheehee . . . gonna' die!! Neeheeheehee!" The guard bellowed, clutching his gut in laughter.
"WHAT!?! This is no laughing matter, you numbskull!! I just had the south wall painted!! And what in kat's name is 'bulldozing'?" Callista exclaimed, jumping from her throne. "Those vile clowns! They'll pay for this outrage!" She glared at her guard, still lying on the floor snickering. "Stop laughing!! It wasn't that funny! We're in a grave situation here!! Do you hear me?! Why you, grr!"
As the guardsmen continued to spasm with laughter, Callista's face turned bright red, and she reached for one of the swords dripping with Madkat's saliva.
--------------------------------*We interrupt this potentially PG-13 scene to bring you this*
A battered and bruised Dr. Viper hobbles onto the screen. His tail and leg are bandaged up, and a crutch resides under one of his arms.
"Hey there, kiddiesssss! You're good friend Dr. Viper here!" He greeted, with as much enthusiasm as he could manage out of his swollen jaw.
A small kitten, dressed in a Swat Kat costume bounced into the scene.
"Gee whiz, Dr. Viper, why do you look like a rotten vegetable, all battered and bruised?" The little kitten asks, paws folded behind his back innocently.
"GAH!! Help!! Mayday!! Rape!" Viper screamed, nearly jumping out of his casts before realizing the incredible shortness of this "Swat Kat" before him. Regaining his composure, Viper pulled out his inhaler and took many a slow, deep breath as the young tot looked on in puzzlement.
"Golly, Dr. Viper, you sure seem nervous! Got ants in your pants?" The small kitten noticed, still obviously confused.
Viper threw him a glare, as they remained in perpetual silence for quite some seconds.
"For one thing, I am not nervoussssss!" Viper finally hissed, trying to smile and seem pleasant while doing so, "And it'sssss quite impossssssible for me to have antssss in my pantssss sssssseeing asssss I don't have any pantssssss on in the firsssst plassssce! Sssssilly, sssssilly, stupidSwatKatimpersonating . . . boy."
Viper continued grinning widely as he stiffly patted the boy's small head. The kitten snickered somewhat, pointing at Viper.
"Boy, those Swat Kats sure messed you up after you sent that giant palm tree monster into Megakat City in the last chapter! I figured, being the 254th official third Swat Kat and all, I should make sure you don't try anything funny by taunting and degrading your self-esteem while masked in my naïve innocence." He gloated, standing proudly.
Viper's eyes suddenly shot open, and a light bulb appeared over his head. Giving a devilish grin, Viper clicked off the light bulb over his head and looked down at the small kitten by his side.
"Oh, oh! You wisssssh to help the Ssssswat Katssss do you, my dear boy? Well why didn't you ssssssay ssssso? I have jussssst the thing that will help you defeat them-me! Defeat me! Not them. Me. I. Mysssself. Defeat Viper. No defeat Ssssswat Katssss. Okay?" Viper gleamed, pulling a flask out of his leg cast.
"Well, golly Dr. Viper, that's awful nice of you!" The kitten smiled, "After all, the Swat Kats Official Third Member Handbook says that I am suppose to single-handedly defeat the villain! What do I do?"
"Jusssst drink down this yummy cherry flavored kataly-er, villain remover, and in no time at all, you'll be helping the Ssssswat Katsssss!" Viper chimed, edging the vial towards the small kat's mouth.
"B-But, I don't like cherry," The kitten whined, frowning at the vial nearing him.
"That'ssss okay," Viper stated gruffly, forcing the contents of the vial down the young lad's throat, "I lied anywayssss. The flavor'ssss terrible."
The kitten gasped, as his entire body began to wrinkle, and his demeanor turned utterly sour. After a moments time of mutation, Viper himself couldn't suppress the gasp that followed the hideous thing the poor kitten had become. Alas, the Swat Kat impersonating youngster had been turned into . . . Simon Clawell.
"You know Dr. Viper, you could very well be the worst super-villain in the world. I think your whole swamp fetish is an absolute joke," He stated, arms folded across his chest.
"Eh . . . well . . . I know you are but what am I!" Viper retorted, sticking out his tongue, "Now ussssse your amazing gift of . . . grouchinessss to demean and put down the Ssssswat Katssss . . . and Dark Kat. Essssspessscially Dark Kat. Commander Feral too. In fact, the whole populassssce of Megakat City. I guessss that'sss sssssinisssster enough even for you . . ."
The creature went on its destructive way. Sensing this was the end of the Viper installment, two legal attorneys marched into the scene, attaché cases by their side. They wore green suits and had recycled ties that read "Save the Earth" and "Planeteer Power" over them.
"Uh, d-don't fail to remind yourssssself," Viper stated, looking over his shoulder uneasily, "Th-the ability or capasssscity to do ssssomething issss, um . . . gimme' a Y, gimme' a O, gimme' a U, gimme' a R, gimme' a Sssss! What' doessss that sssspell? YOURSsssss!! Eh heh . . . "
Viper gave a big innocent grin, sweat drops pouring down his features as the lawyers tapped their moccasins and crossed their arms in an irritated fashion.
--------------------------------*We now return you to our regularly scheduled story*
"And if you *ever* disobey me again, guard," Callista growled, "I'll poke out more than just one eye! Capeesh!"
"Oh no, your highness! Please!" The guard cried, weeping into his hands, "Spare the innocent potato! I cannot bare to see poor vegetables tortured!"
Holding a maimed potato in one hand, the sword in the other, Callista cackled evilly and walked up to the guard.
"Quick! Round up the Queen's loyal knights and have them do battle against those ruffian clowns!" Callista barked, shoving the potato and sword into the sobbing guard's hands, "Oh, and release . . . the secret weapon!"
The guard gasped. "No! You don't mean . . ."
"Yes," Callista stated gravely, "We must. Guard, I'm asking you to . . . to . . . unleash the banana peels!"
The guard gasped, dropping the potato and sword with a squish and a smash, but nonetheless bowed and hurried to carry out the order.
--------------------------------On the front lines . . .
"Things are going wonderfully!" Dark Kat praised, cackling, "Go, my klownlings, attack! Bwahahaha!"
Indeed, the tide was in fact in Dark Kat and Co.'s favor for the moment. They had successfully covered the entire south wall with cream pies, and the bulldozers were busy scooping out the water from the moat. The castle's guards were completely aghast at what they should do. They weren't exactly being threatened yet, save those among them who had terrible allergic reactions to coconut cream pie, so no retaliation was set in motion yet.
The crocodiles, on the other claw, weren't too appreciative of their moat water being dumped out. They were huddled together in knee-deep water, arms linked around their shoulders.
"Okay, we'll do it like this," One crocodile stated, looking around at the rest, "Shorty'll go up the middle while Scales fakes a hand off to Reggie. Wanda and Willy will block up field, while the rest of us make profane gestures towards the stands. Alright?"
All the crocodiles grunted in agreement.
"Break!"
The gators broke from their huddle and took up their positions on the bank, right in front of a running bulldozer. The clown attending the bulldozer was, of course, slacking off by dozing in the middle of the siege. The head croc walked up behind his offensive line, leaned down behind a crouched center croc, and patted the center's tail.
"47! 22! Bluuuuuue-hut! Hut! Hike!"
All at once, all of the crocodiles switched into blue tunics with little blue caps and whistled innocently as they strolled up to the bulldozer, swinging their nightsticks casually. Before the napping clown knew what hit him, the crocs had roughly pulled him from the running bulldozer and thrown him to the grown.
"Police brutality! Police brutality!" The clown cried, as the gang of crocodiles proceeded to rough him up.
A dozen or so other clowns quickly rushed to their comrade's aid by circling the group of crocs and videotaping it all.
"Hang in their, pally! We're gettin' all this on tape!"
"This kind of clown segregation must end before someone gets hurt!"
"Oooh! He felt that one!"
"That's right! Show the camera pain! You're doing beautifully, bud!"
Soon after the carnage had started, it ended by the head croc and his gang leaping into the bulldozer and chugging off into the forest, singing "We Are The Champions." Mac and Molly just stood in the midst of this all, somewhat taken aback, as one of their bulldozers had just been highjacked by a pack of crocodiles.
"Well . . . at least we don't have ta' worry about the crocodiles anymore . . ." Mac said offhand.
"And we's still gots a couple more bulldozers, right . . ." Molly offered.
As they turned back towards the moat, they were horrified to find a group of piranhas taking the same formation as the crocs against one of their bulldozers, and farther down, a pack of leeches were just now breaking from their huddle in the moat.
"How are things coming along, my klownling?" Dark Kat questioned, coming up to the pie catapult.
"Okay, for one thing, I am *not* your klownling. That just sounds, sick and wrong," A spectacled clown stated, looking up from it's notepad, "For another thing, at the rate we're pieing the castle, I calculate the wall will corrode and allow us entry in around four thousand years, give or take a thousand."
"Excellent!" Dark Kat praised, "No . . . wait . . ."
Just at that moment, a flustered Boss clambered up to Dark Kat.
"Dark Kat! They're throwing out the-Ugh!" Boss collapsed into Dark Kat's arms before he could finish.
"What man! What!?" Dark Kat growled, "What are they throwing ou- . . . holy hairball!"
As Boss had fallen into Dark Kat's arms, it revealed a banana peel stuck right on the small of the temporary cult leader's back. Dark Kat gasped, dropped Boss with a thud, and looked towards the castle walls.
The guards were taking up positions along the perimeter, tossing banana peels down on the battlefield below. Meanwhile, groups of guards were hefting barrels of banana peels over the edge where they exploded into a fray of banana carnage. The clowns were taking heavy casualties.
"Well . . . surely the bulldozers are making progress!" Dark Kat said hopefully.
At that moment, Mac and Molly hopped up to the large purple kat, each with a banana peel adorning their head like a hat.
"Eh . . . how would yous define so-called 'progress.'" Mac queried nervously, "By all our clowns *progressing* away from the battlefield, or perhaps by our quick *progression* from victory ta' bein' skunked . . .?"
"B-b-but . . . the bulldozers . . .!" Dark Kat cried.
"It's like this," Molly explained, "All the bulldozers are either on their sides from slippin' on banana peels, buried in banana peels, or being high jacked by any creatures still left in the moat, includin' banana peels."
A bulldozer full of joyriding banana peels chugged by, with much hooting and hollering escaping from within it. As it drove by, one especially wild peel dangled dangerously out the window.
"Heya' baby! Why doncha' ditch that tin can and split with me! Whoowhoo!" It hollered.
"Fresh talkin' fruit . . ." Molly growled.
"Whadda' we gonna' do, Dark Kat? They're killin' us here!" Mac said, pointing out the obvious.
Dark Kat's frame suddenly took on a heroic stance. "I know now what I must do," He stated plain and simple, climbing up into the catapult. It creaked and groaned horribly under the weight.
"Uh, Dark Kat, whadda' ya' think your doin'?" Molly asked queerly, hopping up beside the catapult.
"No. Don't try to stop me. I must do what I must do," Dark Kat answered gravely.
Mac blinked. ". . .And that would be . . .?"
"You must hurl me over the wall so I may single handedly defeat Callista and restore Madkat to his rightful place as clown cult leader! It is my destiny . . ." Dark Kat dramatically narrated.
"Heh, maybe if we aim *for* the wall, Lardo here will knock it down for us," Molly murmured to Mac.
Dark Kat looked annoyed. "I heard that you know! Just fire me off already!" He grumbled.
"Whatever. It's your funeral," Mac muttered, pushing the lever back.
After a moment's hesitation, the sturdy catapult somehow managed to actually fling Dark Kat a great distance over the moat, but sadly, not high enough to clear the wall. He screamed like a little girl during the entirety of his careen towards the stone structure. A thunderous boom sounded as his form collided into the wall, leaving a massive imprint. After a moments time, the guards who were clinging to each other slowly untangled and went to scrutinize the damage done. As they looked down at the pain-ridden body of Dark Kat plastered to the side of the wall, faint chuckles escaped many of them in their glee to still be standing.
"Alright! We're alive!" A shout rang out.
Everyone suddenly cringed, as the words bounced across the castle's stone walls and made a faint tremor. Nothing. A sigh of relief escaped the hushed guards.
"Phew! That was a close one, huh?" Someone bellowed.
Murder radiated from everyone's eyes at the moron who'd said that, but it was too late. The wall began to tremor violently, and the guards were forced to flee before it completely collapsed. After a few seconds of utter demolishment, all that was left of the south wall was a pile of rubble with some cream pie topping. Oh, and of course, Dark Kat.
"Mac . . ." Dark Kat growled hoarsely, popping his head out from the top of the rubble, very much in pain, "You . . . did that . . . on purpose . . .!"
--------------------------------Somewhere across the globe . . .
"Curse this infernal backwards culture!" The Pastmaster fumed, trying desperately to find a bus station, "They use their own people to tote them from here to there, while letting the lesser creatures of this planet ride first class."
Two well-to-do chickens driving by in a cart happened to hear the Pastmaster's rants and came to a halt.
"I say, who's he calling lesser creatures of the planet? Surely not us!" One said.
"Oh, Harold! Don't be ridiculous! Let the poor dumb beast ramble a little," The other confirmed, paying the kat who had pulled them on the cart.
"Ah, very well then! Shall we cross the road, my dear?"
"Oh, Harold! I thought you'd never ask!"
"Where's a sorcerer have to go around here to get a dragon anyways? That's what I need to get back to Megalith City in style!" The Pastmaster growled.
"Egad! A dragon!" A miscellaneous kat yelled in a poorly dubbed voice, pointing at the sky.
A giant, scruffy looking red dragon swooshed out of the sky right above the small village. Everyone looked up, shrugged, and went on with everyday life. The dragon eyed the citizens warily when they failed to notice it and sighed deeply, tail tucked between its legs, and started to head off dejectedly.
"Ahahahaha! My ticket home!" The Pastmaster snickered, "Wait! Hold on! You there! The big red dragon!"
The hovering dragon paused, looked around for anything else that might fit that description, and turned around questioningly.
"Are you addressing me, sir?" It asked in a rather pathetic sounding voice, landing in front of the Pastmaster.
"Uh . . .er, yes. Yes I am," The Pastmaster replied, taken aback by the frail sounding dragon, "I . . . um . . . am the all-powerful sorcerer known as the Pastmaster. Heed my will or face my wrath!"
There was an awkward silence. Then quite sudden like, the dragon threw up it's wings and let out a most terrified scream that lasted for a good two minutes straight, in which the Pastmaster spent holding onto a post for dear life with only his one arm.
"Oh please! Don't hurt me!" The dragon suddenly wailed, cowering, wings shivering in front of its face, "I'll do anything you want! Anything!! Just don't-AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!"
"What? Just don't what?! Oh, do shut up! SHUT UP!!" The Pastmaster shouted at the top of his lungs over the ear-blistering screams of the dragon.
The dragon abruptly stopped his screaming due to the Pastmaster's command, and sniveled pitifully as it waited for the small red kat to regain his footing with the ground.
"You big oaf!" The Pastmaster started in, "What's the matter with you?! You're a menacing red dragon!! You should be terrorizing, not terrified! What's your name?!"
"Th-Theodore," The dragon whimpered, eyes moistening.
The Pastmaster took on a disgusted face. "Theodore?! What kind of dragon has a name like Theodore?!!" He growled indignantly, "None!! Absolutely no fierce dragon has a name like Theodore! For crying out loud, there was a singing chipmunk named Theodore!!"
Theodore just stood there, lip quivering, on the verge of tears. The Pastmaster sighed, rubbing his head in extreme annoyance. Well, this was his only ticket to Megalith City, atop a crybaby dragon that was probably afraid of its own shadow.
"AAAHHHHHH!!! AAAHHHHHH!!! Get it away!! Get it away!!" Theodore suddenly cried, running around in a circle.
Correction, a crybaby dragon that *was* afraid of its own shadow.
"Freeze, you scale-ridden bag of cowardice!" The Pastmaster demanded, running up to Theodore, "Now you listen to me! You will take me to Megalith City, and if I hear so much as a single squeak from you on the way there, you'll wish you'd never been hatched! Do you hear me?!"
Theodore bit his lip, nodding furiously. That taken care of, the Pastmaster perched himself at the base of Theodore's neck, furiously cursing his bad luck and poor choice in dragons. Theodore flapped his wings a few times and then, began jogging! The Pastmaster was completely aghast.
"By the tome of time, what do you think you're doing!?!" He shrilled.
"W-Well, you said if you heard a s-single s-squeak from me, you'd make me wish I'd n-never been hatched," Theodore began, "A-and sometimes when I fly long distances, I-I wheeze something awful."
"You will fly, NOW!!"
In no time at all, Theodore was air born, choking back a small sob.
--------------------------------Back at the castle . . .
Dark Kat had somehow managed to squirm his figure out of the rubble encasing him. The air was thick with dust and debris, and the big kat felt his asthma catching hold of him. Whipping out his inhaler, he couldn't quite make it out of the oncoming rush of his clown troops over the broken barrier. They trampled over him in their mad dash into the castle.
The fighting only intensified with the south wall now down. There were pie- ridden guards falling everywhere, with just as many banana peeled clowns scattered about the castle. The carnage was so gruesome, Callista just had to get a closer look. Lugging a chained Madkat behind her, they made their way to the highest tower and started wagering money on various skirmishes happening between her guards and the clowns.
"I'll have you know, my clowns are specially trained in the modern art of Pie-Fu! We're gonna' cream your guards, literally!" Madkat boasted.
"Ho ho, that is where you are wrong, Madkat! For it is my guards, specially trained for covert missions and guerrilla tactics, who will ambush and obliterate your clown forces!" Callista shot back.
Finally hopping their way up the rubble, Mac and Molly stopped to take a breather.
"Look, Mac! Up on the highest tower there! It's Callista and some chained up guy wearing spandex!" Molly announced.
"Nuts! Some guys have all the luck . . ." Mac grumbled.
Before Molly had a chance to pound her husband for the comment, the rubble they were on began to shift. Both Metallikats were flung into the air as the raging form of Dark Kat jumped up from his sprawled out position atop the pile of rubble.
"Mac Mange, you little rust bucket!! Just you wait until I . . .I . . ." Dark Kat looked around in a clueless stupor, unable to spot either of the Metallikats.
The two metallic heads were thrown so far in fact, they were hurtling right towards the top of the highest tower, where Callista and Madkat were deadlocked in a match of arm wrestling.
"Ha ha! I see you use the ancient art form of Pinky Toushi in your arm wrestling!" Callista laughed, teeth gritted together, "However, you fail to realize that I have, indeed, mastered the only possible counter-attack to your Pinky Toushi by learning the Kican Stictong technique."
"No!" Madkat shrieked, completely taken off-guard, "That's impossible!"
Callista executed her secret technique by promptly kicking Madkat in the shin and sticking her tongue out, causing the magical jester to temporarily yelp in pain. This resulted in Madkat losing position, his arm falling dangerously close to being overtaken by the queen's arm. He knew he'd have to try something pretty desperate to get out of this horrible predicament.
"Oh . . . uh . . . look!! Two flying metallic heads coming this way! Watch out!" Madkat suddenly shouted, pointing behind Callista.
"Gah!!" Callista shrilled, ducking her head and easing up her arm.
Grinning evilly and beginning to laugh aloud, Madkat caught her arm off guard and managed to push his back up to an upright position. "You idiot! I can't believe you fell for that! There's no such thing as-ack!!"
At that very moment, two metallic heads collided with Madkat's own. He was sent reeling over the edge of the highest tower, dragging along the rather dumbfounded queen. Mac and Molly continued screaming their heads off, pun intended, as they were now joined by the other two in a frightening free- fall towards the castle floor.
"Oh Maaaac! Mollllllly! Where arrrrrrrrrre yooooou? I *promise* not to throw you down my garbage disposal once we get back to MKC . . ." Dark Kat called out, crossing his fingers behind his back, as he searched the battle zone for his two cohorts.
Suddenly, the fighting stopped, as everyone's eyes locked onto their respective leader, tumbling towards their doom after falling from the tower. Dark Kat followed the crowd's gaze only to gasp.
"Kats alive!! They're gonna' die! I've got to do something!" He bellowed, starting towards the base of the tower.
Suddenly, a miniature Dark Kat, completely red, with little horns and a pitchfork, appeared on his shoulder, knocking him on the head.
"Hellooooo! Moron!" It sassed, slowing Dark Kat to a stop, "What are you thinking? Let the four wussies fall! That way, you can take over both their empires and set yourself as the supreme ruler of medieval times! Der!"
"Hey . . . you know something . . . you have an excellent point!" Dark Kat thought, grinning evilly.
At that very moment, another small Dark Kat appeared on his shoulder, just as red, with the same pointy horns and pitchfork.
"Nah!" This one spat, "Go ahead and save 'em! That way, you can personally force them into submission and have them and all their followers become your personal, devoted slaves!"
Dark Kat paused, looking at this new apparition on his shoulder.
"Say! That suggestion was just as evil as the other guy's!" He announced, somewhat perplexed, "What about that other one? You know, with the harp and the wings?"
The two small Dark Kats just looked at him, as seconds ticked by in perpetual silence.
"Oh . . . yeah . . . right . . ." Dark Kat finally pieced together.
Suddenly, yet another devilish Dark Kat specter zapped into existence, right atop the big purple kat's head.
"Don't listen to them, Darkie baby!" It rang, hanging down to look Dark Kat in the eye, "What you wanna' do is-"
"Gah!!" Dark Kat jumped back in surprise, "What?!? Three!?!"
"Well . . . yeah!" The first one replied, scratching its head, "There's actually quite a few of us . . . it's just usually you don't need an evil conscious, so we've quietly multiplied until the fateful day when you would actually subconsciously call for us."
Dozens of little red, horned, pitchfork wielding Dark Kats suddenly zapped into existence, all lounging on any spot they could find available on the giant purple kat. As Dark Kat's eyes bulged at all the miniature replicas of himself, they all began flapping their jaws as to the best way to handle the impending situation while ending up ruling the world in the end.
A couple of guards and clowns snickered, pointing at Dark Kat as his head kept snapping round and round, hands clamped over his ears. Giving a low growl, he finally unlatched his ears and roared.
"QUIET!! ALL OF YOU!!"
The few guards and clowns immediately shut up, eyes bulging at Dark Kat and then glancing at each other. Some made cuckoo sounds, while spinning their finger near their head, while others slowly backed away eyes still locked onto him.
"What to do! What to do! What to do!" Dark Kat fretted, hands clasped behind his back, as he unknowingly paced right under the path of the falling foursome.
"Look! It's Dark Kat!" Mac shouted, still plummeting towards the ground.
"We'res saved!" Molly rejoiced.
Then, still deep in his thinking trance, Dark Kat paced out from under the falling four.
"No, no! He moved!" Callista screamed.
"We're doomed!" Madkat despaired.
"I've got it!" Dark Kat praised, walking back, "I'll just sleep on it! Ha ha!"
Flopping over onto his back, the giant kat closed his eyes and seemed to be nodding off. But before he even had a chance, the Metallikats landed squarely on his stomach and went bouncing off into a strategically placed haystack. One of Dark Kat's eyes flickered open.
"Hmm? Who's tickling m-HOLY-!!"
Dark Kat's wind was abruptly cut off as a sheepish Madkat waved at him after crashing into his gut and being flipped back off into the same haystack as the Manges, followed promptly by Queen Callista. Everyone was okay, and a loud cheer reigned out.
"Hooray! The fat kat hath saved our queen!"
Dark Kat, after taking a few more whiffs of his inhaler, arched an eyebrow at the excited exclamation. "Whoa, now just a minute-"
"Hurrah!! To all the blubber we owe our praise!"
"Well! That was completely uncalled f-"
"Yippee! Our leader was redeemed by the flab!!"
"Hey! You're not exactly skin and bones yourself bud-"
"SILENCE!!" A sudden voice boomed from the sky, hushing all those who cheered inside the castle.
"Owie!" Another voice rang out, cracking with sobs, "You y-yelled right in m-my ear . . . and it was v-very unkind."
Everyone's gaze turned to the sky, and a collective gasp let out at the sight that met them. Atop a misty eyed red dragon, the Pastmaster stood, somewhat annoyed by that last comment, but still an intimidating sight to behold nonetheless.
"It's SPLEEN!! He's alive!!" Dark Kat rejoiced, jumping up and down giddily.
The Pastmaster's annoyed look seemed to intensify at the sight of the large purple arm-stealer below. Snapping his fingers at Theodore, the red dragon slowly fluttered to the ground within the castle. Carefully sitting down and giving himself a bit of a push, the Pastmaster slid down Theodore's back and tail, tumbling head over heels until he ran into Dark Kat's feet. Holding his dizzied head, the Pastmaster slowly regained his feet as everyone looked on in complete and utter terror.
"You!" The Pastmaster growled, pointing a bony hand at Dark Kat's nose.
All was silent. No one stirred. In fact, no one breathed. When things continued like this for a few minutes, some even collapsed from lack of oxygen. Finally, Dark Kat opened his mouth.
"V?" He simply said.
"W!!" The Pastmaster snarled, shaking his fist.
"X . . ." Dark Kat trailed off, looking away.
"Y?" The Pastmaster replied, coming up to him, a saddened expression on his face.
"Z . . . oh Z . . ." Dark Kat murmured reaching into his cloak.
"What . . . are they doin'. . .?" Molly asked, completely at a loss.
"Shh!! It's getting to the good part!" Mac hushed, a tear in his eye.
Out of his cloak, Dark Kat revealed the treasured, not to mention red, left arm of the Pastmaster. The Pastmaster's eyes lit up, as he snatched up the bone and soundly slapped Dark Kat across the jaw with it.
"Bwahahahaha!! Now . . .!! To send you ugly face-painting beings from the future into the vortex of despair, where you're doomed to spend eternity jazzercising with Kitchard Simmons!! Gwahahaha!!" The Pastmaster cackled, popping the arm back into his empty socket.
"Despair?!" Mac cried.
"Ugly?!" Madkat shouted.
"Richard . . .er, Kitchard Simmons?!!" Molly shrieked.
"Jazzercising!!!??!" Dark Kat wailed, turning pale.
"Yes, yes, yes, and *especially* yes! Wahahaha!" The Pastmaster jeered, pointing at them all.
Finally clawing her way out of the haystack, Callista glared at the Pastmaster.
"Pastmaster, you wretched little gnome! How dare you defile this perfectly healthy siege with your foul smelling presence!" She barked.
"Flattery will get you nowhere sweetums," The Pastmaster gleamed with a bow, "So just sit your pretty little self down and watch me take care of these filthy clowns."
"Wait!" Callista warned, "You can't!"
"Wow, the queen really does care." Mac commented.
"I knew you had it in ya', Queenie!" Madkat smiled proudly.
"Huh, what? Ugh, don't talk to me! Losers . . ." Callista snapped, flicking her hair, "PM, you can't send them into the vortex of despair without also throwing in this really, really stupid cow my hunters found. I mean, it's so stupid, it thinks it can talk."
"But I *can* talk!! What are you people, deaf or something?!" A familiar looking steer snorted, trotting into the scene.
"GASP!!" Dark Kat squeaked, completely taken aback, "Jezebel!! You're alive!!"
"Yeah," Jezebel sighed, rolling its eyes, "It's part of the story's big surprise ending."
"Aw . . .she's so cute when she acts like she knows what your saying," Dark Kat cooed, "But wow! This is great! It's like, raise-from-the-dead day or something! Man, I feel so good, I could just conquer a small nation . . . really!"
"Oh, gag me!" The Pastmaster groaned, holding up his watch, "I'm throwing you all in before anymore sentimental crap leaks into this ridiculous story! Evil forces of which I really don't care, throw these morons into the vortex of-"
"An Enforcer cell!"
" . . .What? Nononono!! That's not right! You idiot!" The Pastmaster cursed, thrashing at Theodore like mad.
Yet before the Pastmaster had time to revert the spell, Dark Kat, the Metallikats, Madkat, all the clowns, and even Jezebel were sucked into a spiraling vortex and disappeared. The Pastmaster raged even more, swinging his fists around, hitting a few guards in his fury, and even unknowingly knocking out Callista with a swing across the chin. Unfortunately, his left arm, being just newly required and set, suddenly plopped out of its socket with a hard thud to the ground. Almost in tears with anger, the Pastmaster finally turned to Theodore, one arm short.
"What were you thinking, you infernal red blockhead!?!?" He screeched, clenching his teeth and hand and just about anything that could be clenched.
"Well . . .I uh, rhyming games always g-get me excited, so I-I just kinda' said the first thing that c-came into my head . . ." Theodore explained, eyes moistening and lip quivering.
The Pastmaster began twitching convulsively, his face contorting into that of pure malice and hatred.
"An . . . Enforcer . . . cell . . . was the first . . . thing . . . that came to your mind . . .?" He started, before completely boiling over, "YOU INCOMPETENT FOOL!!! THAT DIDN'T EVEN RHYME!!! AND HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT ENFORCERS!!??"
--------------------------------Somewhere over the rainbow . . .
A frenzied knocking came at Commander Feral's door, as a wry looking officer let himself in. Feral froze, an Enforcer Commando Barbie in one hand, an Innocent Victim Ken in the other.
"Commander Feral . . . sir . . ." The lieutenant started, peering at him rather oddly.
"Yes . . . Lt.?" Feral replied, somewhat clearing his throat.
"We, ah, had this weird spectral anomaly open up in one of our cells, and, heh, you're not going to believe this!" The Lt. chuckled, slapping his knee and leaning himself against the wall.
"I'll believe it!" Feral growled impatiently, clutching his Enforcer Commando doll even tighter.
"Well, out of this vortex thing comes Dark Kat, two metal balls that we're confirming as the Metallikats' heads, Madkat, a bunch of clowns, and this steer." The Lt. explains.
"Yes . . .your point . . .?" Feral seethed, turning a bit pinkish.
"It's just, they plopped right into the jail cell and now are demanding to see their lawyers. Just thought you ought to know, sir." The Lt. finished.
"Okay, well, now I do . . .soleavemealone!" Feral barked, shaking Innocent Victim Ken at the officer.
"Yes sir. Just doing my job." The Lt. replied, saluting, and turning to leave.
" . . . and lieutenant." Feral said darkly, a sudden shadow falling across his face.
"Yes, sir?" The Lt. asked, looking back.
"You never saw any of this . . ."
"I never do sir . . ."
"Good . . ."
"Good . . ."
"You're getting a raise . . ."
"I know . . ."
"Oh . . ."
"Good day to you, sir . . ."
"You too, Lt. . . ."
--------------------------------The . . . dare I say it? . . .End
Okay, so it took me nearly a year to finish this stupid thing, and it was still just as bad as the rest of the story. If you can still remember the point of this fic, reviews are happily accepted as always, and maybe someday I'll break these boys outta' prison for a threequel. Until then, thanks for reading!
