Mahtan let the man in with some reluctance.

"A letter." The weary messenger of Arafinwe said.

Cautiously, she opened the soiled envelope, feeling a tugging alacrity in her movements as she tore the paper.

She staggered as she saw the well-remembered seal.

"Lady?" The messenger asked, and came forward to help her. Her father hurried forward. She tottered and seemed to fall, but did not.

"Leave, leave, all of you!" She said, falling onto a chair, waving them away.

The light from the crystals were flickering, but the elegant scrip read easily, and she cried, tears in thin rivulets down her pale face, tracing the smudge of fingerprints on the paper with her eyes, remembering the hand that left them, and the face of the owner of those hands.

--

Beloved,

I apologize for the brevity of this letter. I have more to say, but time presses. By the time you got this, I should already be on the way to Losgar.

Things I wish for I cannot have.

People who I love leave and do not return.

Never again.

I cannot allow it.

I will not allow it.

Do you remember these lines? Written in a sudden blaze of joy when I knew you were pregnant with Nelyafinwe. The crucible broke that day, and I was wroth, for it contained a rare metal mixed for my father. I had tears in my eyes, because I had wished to please him especially that year. But you came and told me of the news, and we wrote these words together in a pleasant insanity upon the bench in the workshop.

You must realize, and I know you do, the molting hurts forever, and nothing heals here. Do you realize, that ever since my birth, it seems that the grievous lot has always befallen on me! Can you blame me then, for feeling angry and resentful in a blessed realm?

There's no bliss for me here.

You knew of course, that's part of the reason why you left me. I would have asked you to return again, if tragedy had not come to pass once again in my life. I do not blame you, I have never blamed you, but I need to tell you this.

They shall come with me. I need to see them, every one. I need them with me. I would that you come as well, but I know you will disapprove.

This is madness you say, but to stay would kill me, and I am already mad, mad with grief, mad with hopelessness. There is blood on my sword and there's blood on my shirt, dried and sticky on my skin. What would you do if I went home like this? Would you shut the doors against me? Would you welcome your sons and bid their father gone?

It is ungenerous for me to think this of you, but my thoughts are so lost now. I remember that you cried when you saw me after I first fashioned the Silmarils. I did not understand why then, I thought it, now I do. So wise, Nerdanel, but I could not hear your counsels when I locked myself in the workshop for three months, allowing the works of my hand to feed on my fea.

Your father said that you were away every time I asked for you. Did you ever know that I went to Aurlender's halls often ever since you decided to ride and not return? I think Master Mahtan do not favor me any more, as you had so remarked so indignantly that one fateful afternoon. The silver ring, I had kept it in my pocket, unsullied. Please do not begrudge me of this, I do miss you dearly, and this was my only memory of you, other than our sons for an entire yen; he would not let me see you I think, and then, you knew I was banished.

I wondered why you never came to visit, not even for Telperinquar, it sadden me that you have never seen him, he's our Curufinwe's son. Did you know you are a grandmother Nerdanel? I cannot think that you would not come if you knew that I looked for you. You always came for me, as I had always came for you when the longing became too great.

You, my father, our sons, I lived for you, I hope you will remember that. Those were blessed times shared and forever beloved; there's freedom in happiness. And the moment it is gone, I can only see the darkness, and the cage of nothingness.

Forgive me Nerdanel, if my words sound harsh, but you know that I always speak the truth.

A part of me is already gone, I am going to seek it, and bring it back. You should not cry again when you see me. I believe there is healing in Ennore. I need to find it, and bring down the cause of all our heartaches, so things would be as before.

I still love you, and I shall return when I am whole again.

Yours forever,

Feanaro Curufinwe