Okay, so if you haven't already read the first chapter, or anything concerning this story at all, this was all sparked from an idea I had to write the worst fanfic I could possibly write. Every single canon character was as uncanon as I could make them and then there was the huge Mary Sue called Mitzreil who was running around, destroying the storyline as well. Not to mention the terrible grammar, horrible spelling and creation of multiple mini-balrogs. But the point of this story was to write something terrible and I think I've achieved it admirably. Of course there are several people I must thank because without them this story would never have happened: first, Camilla Sandman () creator of OFUM, I got the Aragorn/Sauron Britney Spears songfic idea from the first story about OFUM, and I'd also like to thank the entire PPC, you provided some examples of the worst fanfics and the worst qualities of bad fanfics for me to take a lead from. Of course, at this point I'm bound by my honor as a writer to apologize for all the mini-balrogs that are now running around. For the sake of keeping it easy for Miss Cam to find and train them I'm going to keep a list here (in alphabetical order by actual character name):
Aeragorn
Aragon
Aragran
Aragron
Arangorn
Arargorn
Argorn
Arngorn
Aroagorn
Arogran
Arogorn
Arongron
Arewen
Birimir
Boirmir
Boirimir
Borimir
Borimor
Borirmir
Boroimir
Borromir
Elornd
Elrnd
Elrnod
Elron
Elrund
Erlond
Frodu
Galadrel
Galadrial
Galardiel
Galardril
Galarel
Galariel
Galladrial
Galradiel
Gadalf
Gadnalf
Ganald
Gandaf
Gandalph
Gandlad
Gandlaf
Gandolf
Ganlaf
Ganldaf
Gilme
Gilmi
Gilmy
Gimly
Glilmy
Glimy
Gollom
Golum
Gullum
Legalas
Legalis
Leggials
Leggilas
Legilaas
Legilas
Legillos
Legilos
Legilus
Legiolass
Legolass
Legolis
Legols
Mary
Pipim
Saorun
Saouron
Saron
Saroun
Sauorn
Soarn
Soaron
Soauern
sOron
Sorun
Souran
Souron
Suaron
Smeagal
Smeegal
Smeegol
Valra
Other misspellings, although I'm not sure they're mini-balrogs:
Blarog
Blarong
Barlog
Darwf
Felowship
Felowsihp
Felowsip
Feollwship
Hobbites
Hobits
Monria
Morador
Morrdoor
Orks
Palantire
Plantire
Rivnedell
Wow…you know it takes a lot of invention to misspell the same set of names so many times in just one story. But I guess it's really not something to be proud of…sorry Miss Cam. Also, I know that a great many of these mini-balrogs and the other misspellings have already happened, but I felt the need to document them so that it was known just how terrible this story was that it used so many. In retrospection I also need to thank my "gyrlz": Jan(who is really me, hehe), Cait(lin), Ally(Allison), Krissy(Krista, and I hope she doesn't kill me for calling her "Krissy"), and (Re)Becca. Thanks ladies! Now I understand that I could never address all the terrible things I did to this story, but here's a list of the worst crimes I committed:
--Creating a Mary Sue
--Hooking up Aragorn and Sauron
--Insinuation that the relationship between hobbits was not strictly platonic
--Disruption of canon
--Inserting knowledge of the future in Middle Earth (in the form of TNT)
--Inserting songs from the future in Middle Earth
--Spawning of multiple (meaning lots and lots) of mini-balrogs
--Ignoring the basic rules of grammar and punctuation and spelling
--Writing a story that can only be mocked and laughed at.
Except that I don't think this last one was really that big a "crime". I like to think of this story as an instructional guide of things to avoid when writing a LOTR fanfic. Here there comes a tie with how I categorize my story. A lot of reviews have asked if it really belongs under parody, and I considered putting it there when I was finished, but that just wouldn't be right. The misadventures of Mitzreil need to be taken at least a little seriously, after all, they show what happens when fanfiction goes terribly, terribly wrong and if all the examples of that are under parody, where's the warning? I'd also like to say that where I do have a pen name where I post things that are good (or at least no where near as bad as this) you will never ever (evar) see me admit that it is in anyway related to this pen name.
As a final note I'd like to say that I wrote this explanation as a response to several reviews I got around the time I posted chapter five of the story (though I was going to write an explanation anyway). In regards to these reviews I'd like to express that I would like to see the PPC enact a policy of politely asking authors to take down terrible posts while listing the crimes of the author extensively and fully before bitching them out(I seriously considered discontinuing the story, but decided that would have proved Agent Caine of the PPC the winner and that it would have made me look like a coward) and secondly, try reading beyond chapter one, seriously, the farther you go the more there is to laugh at and to bitch about. This really is the most fun I've ever had while writing a story just because the writing style is nothing like my own and it's so much fun to read the reviews (except when they're uber-uber-mean), but anyway thank you,
"gyrl4leggieborimir"
Appendix 1: Here I need to give utter and total props to Camilla Sandman (see above for fanfic site). I honestly loved your stories about OFUM and MUSM, but I don't think I ever truly grasped how huge your audience was. You have made a huge impact on the fanfiction community. OFUM definitely served at least some of its purpose and people are able to spot a terrible fic and call it out when they see it. I can't tell you how many people have mentioned all the mini-balrogs in their reviews. It simply amazes me and at the same time I feel bad that the only way that I'm connected to your legacy is through this terrible fic. Thank you once again.
Appendix 2: This is a general disclaimer for the entire story. Obviously it doesn't belong within the story itself, so I'll put it here. Nothing, NOTHING, in Middle Earth even remotely belongs to me, not the tiniest pebble or blade of grass, it all belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien or his estate or whatever. The only original thing in this story is the Mary Sue and bit characters that I added and they aren't worth claiming ownership to. May Tolkien forgive me for this travesty of a story. Also, I don't own any of the song lyrics that are in chapters 2, 6 and 13, they belong to the people who wrote them and not me. I like music and so I did my best to incorporate it into the story, even if it didn't really belong there…at least it wasn't Enya though!
Appendix 3: I need to apologize for the plothole in chapters 6, 7, and 8 where the gremlins apparently took the place of the goblins in Moria. Not that I'm trying to justify it…but if you think about gremlins and goblins kinda look the same. So anyway, I'm very, very sorry about that. The whole thing happened during a sort of brain fart when I was thinking goblins and for some reason typed gremlins and when I saw what I'd done I decided it was too perfect to change it. Anyway, sorry again.
Appendix 4: I'd like to take some time to address the reviews that I've gotten. Obviously the only good ones were where I called my friends and told them to review it and to review it positively. Sorry "gyrlz". So most of the reviews were flames or gentle calls to fix the story and repost it under parody. To everyone who asked that I edit the story and repost it as parody: Thank you so much! I realize that what you said wasn't necessarily nice, but it was hardly ever mean. You seemed to genuinely feel terrible that someone who obviously had no talent was getting ripped for that very reason and yet you didn't say anything too terribly rude. It was you all who reaffirmed in my mind the fact that there are some genuinely nice people out there. Next, to all of you who flamed: I don't care. And now to all of you who were just plain rude: I'll admit it hurt the first time I got a review that had curse words in it and I was targeted and called names, I almost discontinued the story. Instead I came back with a vengeance though and decided to finish the saga of Mitzreil. You people aren't particularly nice and I think you need to take time to think about what you say in your reviews. It hurt my feeling to have such things said to me and I didn't even really care…imagine what someone who is writing a story seriously will feel like. You may think their story isn't worthy of being shat on by all the Uruk-Hai in existence, but that doesn't mean that they don't take pride in their accomplishment. It's better to give constructive criticism, point out where a weakness may lie, or something that they can do to make the story better. Be polite and reassuring and tell them that even though the story may not rock, they as a writer don't suck. I think it's time that as a community of fanfic writers we take the time to help those in our ranks who aren't as skilled in their storytelling abilities. A review doesn't have to be nice, but it shouldn't be cruel either.
Appendix 5: I recant all statements made about not posting this under my real pen name, and I also ask that whoever keeps reporting this story for it's "abuses" to get over themselves. It isn't your job, even if you are with the PPC, to decide which stories can remain up and which should come down, unless you've decided that it is important that the PPC become the next Hitler. Censoring is not a cool thing, no matter what you're trying to protect, it only leads to hate and misunderstanding, so stop censoring!!
