Chapter 2: Double crosses are cool (Issue #4, Part 2)
We are first faced with nothing but a blank screen. After a second or two this is replaced with a close up of Ratchet's ugly mug. He is speaking into a log terminal.
Ratchet (really deep voice): Hunnnnnnhhh…in the great big boom voice world of my life, it doesn't get more boomsome than this…
Voice: Uh…sir? The camera's on…
Ratchet: WHAT?! Can you erase what I just said?
Voice: I'm afraid not.
Ratchet: DAMMIT!
Pan out to reveal Ratchet in a random swamp and piloting some weird transport thing-a-ma-jig, which by a startling coincidence, happens to be named Thing-A-Ma-Jig.
Thing-A-Ma-Jig: SIR! I'm detecting five large shapes in that conveniently nearby tar pit!
Ratchet: Is it them?
Thing-A-Ma-Jig: It might be, or it might be those five Weight Watchers who went missing three weeks ago. There's no way to know until the bodies are dug up.
Ratchet (disembarking): Ok then, get to it.
Thing-A-Ma-Jig: Me, sir?
Ratchet (sitting down in an easy chair): Yes you. You dig them up and I'll encouragingly shout at you to hurry up.
Thing-A-Ma-Jig: …That's not much of plan sir.
Ratchet: I never said it was. Now get cracking!
Thing-A-Ma-Jig: Yes sir.
*****
Back at the Ark…
We can see that Megatron has set up a slide projector in the room where Prime's head resides. He is subjecting the Autobot leader to the cruelest of tortures; showing him his vacation slides.
Megatron: And here's when we visited the bottomless pits of Daigo IV.
Cut to the screen, which shows Megatron smiling and waving at the camera. He is standing at the edge of a bottomless pit and is holding Starscream over the pit by his leg. You can guess Starscream's expression.
Prime: *sob* No more…please…no more…
Megatron: Oh but we have plenty more slides to go through. (flicks to the next slide) Ooh! Here's where I bought an interesting ball of yarn from the Daigo Gift Shop!
Prime: *sob*
*****
A few hours later, back at the tar pits…
Thing-A-Ma-Jig: Ok, I've managed to dig them all up.
Ratchet gets up from his easy chair to see that Thing-A-Ma-Jig had dug up…the Dinobots!
Ratchet: Excellent. (walks over to Slag, who like the others is in his dinosaur mode, and opens up a flap on his head)
Thing-A-Ma-Jig: What are you doing?
Ratchet: I'm going to access Slag's memories to see how he and his buddies defeated Shockwave all those years ago.
Thing-A-Ma-Jig: Brilliant plan sir! Would you mind standing clear before staring though?
Ratchet: Why?
Thing-A-Ma-Jig: Because I've gotten tar in my relays and I fear I'm about to ex-
BOOOOOOOOM!
Ratchet stares at the wreckage of Thing-A-Ma-Jig.
Ratchet: …Whoops.
He walks over to Slag and prods a memory node with his surgical probe. A screen suddenly pops out and activates, showing Slag.
Slag: Welcome friend to the memories of Slag, or as he is known buy his true name, Slaggy McSlagSlag.
Ratchet: Slaggy McSlagSlag…?
Slag: What you are about to see are events you may find impossible to attribute to any one Transformer, but then, Slag was a deeply remarkable bot.
Ratchet: Oh lord…there must be a fast forward switch around here somewhere…(smiles in relief) ah there it is…
Ratchet flicks the switch and speeds through the warped rambling of the mega ego of Slag and finally comes to the time when the Dinobots ran into Shockwave on Earth four million years ago.
Shockwave: When I find that Ark I swear I-
Slag: NOT SO FAST SHOCKWAVE!
Shockwave: Wha- who the hell are you?
Slag: SLAG!
Grimlock: GRIMLOCK!
Swoop: SWOOP!
Snarl: SNARL!
Sludge: SLUDGE!
Dinobots: And together we are…WILD STAL- UM, THE DINOBOTS!
Shockwave: …uh-huh.
Slag (voice over): Despite our superior numbers we couldn't beat Shockwave no matter what we tried.
A montage of scenes flick past, showing Shockwave besting the Dinobots in a straight out brawl, a game of Go Fish and finally in an extended face off on a Dance Dance Revolution machine.
Slag (VO): Just when it seemed we were done for…
Shockwave (charging up his ion cannon): And now Dinobots, I shall…
A loud rumbling can be heard behind Shockwave. Turning around he saw a large boulder heading straight towards them.
Shockwave/Dinobots: …OH SHI-
BAM!
The impact hurtles all six Transformers into a tar pit, where they immediately sink below the surface. On a high ledge a caveman can be seen looking down.
Caveman: …Ug made another boo-boo…
Ratchet: What th…THAT'S IT?! That's how they beat Shockwave?!
Grimlock: I'd like to see you do better.
Ratchet once more sets a new record in standing high jumps before turning around to find Grimlock, Sludge, Swoop and Snarl staring down at him. They are in their robot modes.
Ratchet: ARGH! When did you lot wake up?!?
Sludge: Just a few minutes ago.
Slag: Not me. I've been awake since you activated my memory banks. And speaking of which do you mind…?
Catching on quickly, Ratchet deactivates the view screen and closes the flap, after which Slag transforms.
Ratchet: Look, there's no time to waste! Megatron's at the Ark and is holding the other Autobots to ransom! We must make haste and rescue them!
Snarl: Do we have to?
Ratchet: Well, let me think about that one…YES! Now come on!
Dinobots: *GRUMBLE*
*****
Back at the Ark…
Prime (in Megatron's hands): You DO realize that this breaks every single rule about the treatment of POWs don't you?
Cut to the far side of the room where Bumblebee, Jazz, Prowl, Ironhide, Wheeljack, Windcharger, Skids, Bluestreak, Hound, Trailbreaker, Mirage and Gears have been put standing in a bowling pins formation. Megatron angles them up.
Megatron: Of course I do. That's what makes this so much fun.
Megatron tosses Prime's head at the deactivated Autobots. He rolls at an immense speed before hitting his comrades and sending them flying all over the place.
Megatron (punches the air in triumph): Strike!
At this point Teletran 1 starts to beep. Megatron strides over and presses a button. The main viewer flares into life, showing Ratchet in a snowy area.
Ratchet: Megatron! The Dinobots have destroyed Shockwave. Hand over the Ark!
Megatron: Do you have proof that they performed such a deed?
Ratchet: O-of course I have proof! I'm transmitting it to you now.
The screen blanks out for a moment, then is replaced by an embarrassingly crude cartoon of Shockwave's battle with the Dinobots. What's worse is the fact that Ratchet is supplying the voice of Shockwave and doing a horrific job with it.
'Shockwave': GASP! Please - Dinobots! Have - mercy!
Swoop: No – we – will – not – have – mercy! Die – Shockwave!
The Dinobots transform (poorly) and apparently eat Shockwave. The screen goes blank again before Ratchet appears.
Megatron: …WOW! That was cool!
Ratchet: (too stunned to speak)
Megatron: Where are you now?
Ratchet: …um, I'm atop the Random Ice Peak of Doom just fifteen miles from the Ark.
Megatron: All right, I'll be there in five minutes.
Megatron shuts down communications and makes his way to the Ark's exit before flying off laughing like a loon.
*****
The Random Ice Peak of Doom…
Ratchet watches as Megatron lands in front of him.
Ratchet: Ok, I've kept my end of the bargain, now keep yours and leave the Ark.
Megatron: Oh all right then, I will…NOT! Many thanks for getting rid of Shockwave for me, but I'm afraid it's dying time for you my gullible friend!
Ratchet: YOU'RE the gullible one Megatron! We haven't gone anywhere near Shockwave! That was just a ruse to get you here.
Megatron: WHAT?!
Ratchet: And now, without further ado…DINOBOTS, ATTACK!
Nothing happens.
Ratchet: …I say again…DINOBOTS, ATTACK!
Still nothing. Ratchet worriedly notes the homicidal glint in Megatron's eyes.
Ratchet: When I say attack, I mean RIGHT NOW!
When nothing continues to happen Ratchet dashes over to where he last saw the Dinobots. They're still there cloud watching.
Snarl: Is there anything fluffier than a cloud?
Grimlock: If there is I don't want to know about it.
Ratchet: What the…GET UP HERE! NOW!
Swoop: Screw you doc! You should've picked a better time to summon Megatron than our cloud-watching hour.
Ratchet: If you don't get up here right now I'll…I'll…tell you all about the rectal surgery I performed on Cliffjumper three days ago!
Dinobots: NO!
Ratchet leaps in fright as he realized that cry came from behind him. Turning around he found the Dinobots transformed into their dino forms.
Sludge: We'll fight, we'll fight! Just please don't go on!
Ratchet: Thank you. And now…
Megatron: Enough of this!
Megatron attacks the Autobots. He knocks Ratchet aside and proceeds to wipe the floor with the Dinobots. Ratchet notes that Megatron has been forced onto a ledge which has conveniently been weakened by the force of the massacre. He suddenly felt an irresistible urge to fling himself at Megatron and try to knock him over the edge even if it would mean his own death.
Ratchet: KAMAKAZIIIIIII!
Ratchet launches himself at Megatron. The impact sends him flying back around forty feet but does nothing to Megatron, who sneers at him.
Megatron: A brave attempt Autobot. Insane, but brave. You shall die a nob-
The ledge chooses this moment to snap off.
Megatron: Ohhhhhh crud.
The ledge and Megatron hurtle downwards followed by mass amounts of snow. As he falls Megatron transforms into his handgun mode and lands with a soft plop in a large pile of snow.
Megatron: That wasn't so bad.
A second later Megatron is buried by about six hundred tons of snow.
*****
Grimlock: YES! Once again the mighty Dinobots have triumphed!
Ratchet: No you didn't. In fact you've done bugger all besides getting your ass kicked repeatedly.
Silence.
Slag (tearfully): Must you point out bitter reality?
The Dinobots run away crying. Ratchet shakes his head and looks down at the avalanche that buried Megatron. An odd feeling comes over him.
Ratchet: Why do I get the feeling this isn't the end?
Kingdom of Deke: Because it isn't.
Ratchet: …Oh.
To be continued…
