Author's Note: Alrighty then, before I begin the next chapter let's have a quick recap, hmmm? After disposing of Megatron Ratchet toddled back to the ark and repaired everyone except Prime who was repaired later. Megatron spent a little while locked in handgun mode and was found by some guy calling himself the Robot Master (or something). After a bit Megatron returned to the Decepticons, was then sent on another infiltration mission into the Ark and was promptly smashed by Omega Supreme. Oddly Shockwave handed leadership back to Megatron after this debacle. A little while later Megs and Prime took part in a video game for reasons I can't be arsed to remember with the end result being Prime blowing himself up because he killed some virtual people. Around this time the Ark became space borne again and Grimlock became the new Autobot leader as well as losing the ability to speak with good grammar. Anyways, Megatron becomes increasingly insane over the fact that he didn't kill Prime himself. Seeing this, Shockwave gets the Predacons to attack Megatron in an effort to snap him out of it. Touching, no? After a brutal battle which sees the Predacons merge to form Predaking Megatron stands triumphant. After threatening Shockwave for a bit, Megatron suddenly believes that Prime is still alive and goes berserk. Leaping onto the Space Bridge Megs proceeds to blow it up, apparently killing himself. Shockwave takes over again, only to relinquish his position after apparently burning up in Earth's atmosphere. Two new leaders spring up; the Headmaster Scorponok and the cassette Ratbat. Yes, one of Soundwave's CASSETTES takes over a faction of the Decepticons. Meanwhile, Prime returns in a new Powermaster form and becomes Autobot leader once more. The two Decepticon factions fight over a cosmic source of power called the Underbase which Starscream ends up absorbing. Now gifted with incredible powers as well as an unfortunate set of buck teeth, the Air Commander goes on a rampage, killing loads of Autobots and Decepticons, including Ratbat. Starscream himself is destroyed when he ingests too much of the Underbase. The net result of this massacre is that Scorponok is now the sole leader of the Earth bound Decepticons and Ratchet now has a whole lot of work ahead of him.
AND NOW, THE SAGA CONTINUES…Chapter 3: Night of the living dummies (Issue #56)
The repair bay of the Ark…
Ratchet sits at a table and looks around terrified as Blaster, Goldbug, Jazz, the Arialbots, the Dinobots, the Technobots and assorted others approach him. Scary enough under normal circumstances but made even worse by the fact that they're all dead.
Goldbug: Get him! Rraaaaaggghhh…
Blaster: Wait a minute will ya?
We see Blaster's head attached to a crane thingy, after which we pan over to see his body walking continuously into a wall.
Blaster: Stupid remote control…
After much grunting and cursing, Blaster finally manages to maneuver his body around the corner.
Blaster: Ah there we go…(to Ratchet) BWAAAAAA!
Ratchet: No please!
Jazz: Raaaaattttcchheetttt…yooouuuuu kiiiiilllllleeeeddd ussssssss…
Ratchet: No please I- wait a second, I didn't kill you Starscream did!
The dead bots pause for a moment.
Silverbolt: Erm…he's right.
More silence, this time broken by Grimlock picking up an oversized laser scalpel.
Grimlock: Me no care! Me now do to Ratchet what me see done to bad motel owner in 'Tales from the Crypt' comic book!
Ratchet: What are yo- (eyes widen as he realizes the issue Grimlock referring to) NO! I won't let you do it!
Lightspeed: Then we'll just get some help.
Lightspeed puts two fingers in his mouth and whistles. Prowl, Wheeljack, Sunstreaker, Ironhide, Warpath, Seaspray and other Autobots smash their way out of the stasis pods and quickly hold Ratchet down. Powerglide can be seen approaching him with a ball of titanium twine and a sewing needle.
Ratchet: Oh now that's just unfair.
Ratchet watches as Grimlock brings the laser scalpel closer, closer, closer…
Cut to a close up of Ratchet's face as he wakes up.
Ratchet (relieved): Oh thank Primus! It was just a dream…
Goldbug: Wanna bet?
Pan out to reveal that the dead bots are crowded around the surgical table. Lightspeed and Slingshot hold a mirror in front of Ratchet, showing him that his legs are now where his arms should be, his left arm is coming out of his neck, his right arm is attached to his left leg socket while his head is attached to his right leg socket.
Swoop (girly voice): It's so YOU!
Ratchet: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Cut now to the real repair bay, Optimus Prime (in his Powermaster form) is shaking a sleeping Ratchet by the shoulder.
Prime: Ratchet? Wake up!
Ratchet (eyes still closed): I swear, if I wake up and it's still a dream someone'll be for the high jump…
Ratchet opens his eyes and is relieved to find that he's finally awake.
Ratchet: Thank Primus…(sees Prime) Oh hello Prime. What brings you down here?
Prime: I heard you screaming. Seeing as how this is your nineteenth nightmare today, my keen leader senses have been tingling. It's time you took a break.
Ratchet: About bloody time. I only requested time off about, ooh, FIVE MONTHS AGO!
Prime (oblivious): Yep, you take the next hour off and that's an order.
Ratchet's left eye starts to twitch.
Ratchet: An hour you say? How…generous.
Prime: I know. I'm such a generous guy!
Prime prances out of the room, singing about how generous he is. Ratchet stares after him for a moment before pulling a book out of a drawer. The book is "How to Control your Murderous Rage" by Thunderwing. Flicking through the pages Ratchet comes across the following:
Book: When you feel the rage building to a point where anything living is in serious danger around you, let it out by flipping over a few tables! Swiping things off shelves! Let it all out!
Ratchet put the book down and stood up. Putting his hands on the table, he flipped it over roaring a mighty roar as he did it.
Ratchet: SQUEAK!
Ok, what HE thought was a mighty roar.
Anyway short story even shorter, Ratchet flips over many tables and throws many things to the floor. After a few minutes of standing in the wreckage of the repair bay Ratchet sits down in the only chair to survive his wrath and pulls out a magazine. In seconds he was laughing heartily.
Ratchet (laughing): Oh that Albedo and her hair brained schemes!
*****
45 minutes later, still in the repair bay…
A trans-time dimensional portal opens up not far from Ratchet but far enough as to remain unseen by him. Four Decepticon Micromasters pop out. They are the Sports Car Patrol and I can only remember one of their names (Blackjack). As a result, I shall refer to the others as Wee Lads 1-3. Blackjack is holding a remote control.
Blackjack: Alright, so all I've got to do is point this at the Autobot corpses to control them?
Wee Lad 1: Yep. We frighten the good doctor enough to make him want to come with us back to Cybertron and then…(voice gets lower menacingly) the game will begin…
Wee Lad 2: What game?
Wee Lad 1: You know, THE game.
Wee Lad 2: Oh, THE game. Right…
Blackjack: Before I press the starter button, any idea how this works?
Wee Lad 3: Ours is not to question why, young Blackjack…
Blackjack: You have no idea do you?
Wee Lad 3: …Just push the button.
Blackjack: Fine…
Blackjack pushes the button. Cut to Ratchet sitting at his now upright desk, playing finger puppets with Sludge. Or rather, using Sludge's torso as a finger puppet, propping it on his right arm.
Ratchet: *SIGH* I dunno, using Sludge's corpse as a finger puppet just doesn't have the same allure as it did before…
Sludge (mouth moving as if in a badly dubbed movie): Then would you mind if I play with you?
Ratchet: Ooh yes that would be…AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Ratchet drops Sludge on the floor. The Dinobot starts to crawl on the ground towards him like a zombie. Looking up, Ratchet saw that the other dead Autobots were stumbling towards him.
Ratchet: Of course, it would have to be THIS dream that would come true. Why couldn't it be the one involving the nine femmebots and the value-sized tub of fudge ice cream?
Goldbug: Raaaaaaatchet... if you wish to live you muuuuuusssttt kiiiiillll ussssssss…
Ratchet: Really? Well why didn't you say so!
Ratchet picks up a very large and very sharp machete.
Goldbug: GAH! I didn't actually mean for you to actually do it!
Ratchet: BANZAAAAIIIII!
Ratchet leaps into the middle of the pile and starts to hack and slash the Autobots. Cutting back to the Sports Car Patrol…
Blackjack: …Okay, that wasn't quite the reaction we wanted…
Wee Lad 2: Primus what a frango.
Wee Lad 1: A what?
Wee Lad 2: A frango. They say it in Brazil. Something about a hen scuttling across the legs of a man who's trying to catch it.
Wee Lad 3: What's the relevance to this situation?
Wee Lad 2: There's plenty of relevance.
Blackjack: Care to elaborate?
Wee Lad 2: Nope. Now switch that thing off. It's time to go to Plan B.
The Sports Car Patrol glue Autobot insignias over their Decepticon ones. Blackjack switches the device off as he and his comrades walk towards Ratchet who watches as the Autobots he hadn't managed to slice and dice fall to the ground.
Blackjack: Hail friend Ratchet!
With a scream Ratchet pirouettes around and tries to kill the speaker.
Sports Car Patrol: EEK! Don't! We're friends!
Ratchet stop mid swing and see that they're Autobots. He lowers the machete cautiously.
Ratchet: Never seen you four before…
Wee Lad 3: Oh that's because we just came aboard using a trans time dimensional portal. We were wondering if you'd like to inspect our state of the art surgeries…
Ratchet (getting excited): Did you say state of the art surgeries?
Wee Lad 1: Er…yes…
Ratchet (now very excited): HOT PUPPIES! I can repair the Autobots in a few hours using state of the art gear! Open up that portal while I pick out a few of my comrades.
Ratchet leaves the stunned Sports Car Patrol to open the portal while he look at the pile of corpses. He eventually picks Jazz, Grimlock and Goldbug as the least damaged and bodily hefts them over his shoulder. Giggling manically he runs through the portal and emerges a second later in a large room filled with super computers. The Sports Car Patrol emerges from the portal as it closes behind them.
Ratchet: So I guess it was Emirate Xaaron who sent you guys yeah?
Blackjack: YOU WISH AUTOBOT!
Ratchet drops Goldbug, Grimlock and Jazz and covers his audio receptors as the scream is echoed and magnified several times by the large room. Truing around he sees the Sports Car Patrol struggling to remove their Autobot insignias. With a tear of metal and a cry of pain they manage to do so, giving Ratchet a free gander at their Decepticon symbols.
Ratchet: …Why do I get the feeling I've made a massive mistake?
???: Quite possibly because you have!
Hearing a very familiar voice, Ratchet turns around to find a Transformer walking toward him through a stream of white light. Getting used to the glare, Ratchet felt his spirit sink as he saw that it was…
Ratchet: MEGATRON!
Megatron: AAGH! MY EARS!
To be continued…
