Chapter 5: Say, aren't you supposed to be dead? (Issue #58) 

Megs' Stealthy House O' Wonder, Cybertron…

Starscream's corpse can be seen inside the Pretender shell just as the two halves close together. Thanks to its advanced design the shell will automatically rebuild anyone inside it. All it needs is someone to supervise the process. The supervisor in this case, Ratchet, is currently engrossed in something we can't see right now while Megatron can be seen in the adjacent room watching a brilliant TV show about vampires, demons and best of all, lesbians.

Megatron (sobbing): NO TARA! DON'T LEAVE WILLOW! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Ratchet: Pffft. And he calls himself focused. What kind of Transformer lets himself be distracted by such menial pursuits?

Pan out to show the activity Ratchet was so engrossed in was playing a game on a Playstation 2.

Ratchet: And talk about overreacting…

At this point Ratchet's eyes suddenly bug out with fury as he smashes the controller to the ground and starts to hop up and down in rage before getting on his knees and raising his arms to the ceiling.

Ratchet: DAMN YOU CHOP CHOP MASTER ONION! WHY MUST YOU MOCK ME SO?!?!

Megatron walks into the repair bay dabbing away his tears.

Megatron: Well? How goes it?

Ratchet (getting to his feet): Pretty well. He should be operational within the next hour or so.

Megatron: Excellent. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

Ratchet (thinking): Smug git…

Megatron: HEY!

Ratchet (speaking): It said 'thinking'.

Megatron: Oh. Sorry.

Ratchet (thinking again): Anyway, I wish there was some way to wipe that smug grin off his face. Not much chance of that, what with Megatron's massive strength and Blackjack laying explosives on the Ark…

Ratchet glances at Grimlock, Jazz and Goldbug lying on the ground deactivated, then glances at the three unused Pretender shells.

Ratchet: Hmm…

Cut now to Dreadwind and Darkwing with the remaining members of the Sports Car Patrol in another part of the room.

Detour: Quit shovin' me Dreadwind, or I'll –

Dreadwind: You'll what? Gimmie a break half-pint!

Hyperdrive: Do it Detour! Give him a –

Hyperdrive is cut off by Darkwing stepping on him.

SQUISH!

Hyperdrive: …ow.

Megatron: ENOUGH! Dreadwind, Darkwing, how would you two like to work for me?

Dreadwind: Not a bad idea! Not a great idea either, but still…

Darkwing: Yeah. Besides, those Mecannibals we told you about, the ones who were chasing us? We're not entirely sure we lost them.

Megatron: Oh? What makes you say that?

Darkwing and Dreadwind simultaneously point to the window behind Megatron. Following their fingers, he turns around to find two Mecannibals (large red sphere shaped robots with huge teeth and eyes who first appeared in Issue #54 or so who, as their name might imply, eat fellow Mechanoids) outside leering at them hungrily.

Megatron: Eep.

*****

Back on Earth…

Prime: Ok, that's it! Everyone back on the shuttle!

Cloudburst: Oh come on!

Prime: I warned you all before, one more knock-knock joke and everyone goes back to the Ark. Now GIT!

Autobots: AWWW!

The Autobots tromp back to the shuttle, leaving Prime to finish off the battered Decepticons.

Igunaus: Look Scorponok! The Autobots flee!

Scorponok: That's what they think!

Scorponok's head lifts off from his body and transforms into the Nebulan Lord Zarak as his body transforms into his scorpion mode.

Zarak: And now Scorponok…DESTROY THE SHUTTLE!

Prime: NO!

Prime just barely manages to whack Scorponok's tail, causing his Tail Beam to miss.

Mindwipe: GET HIM!

The other Decepticons swarm Prime. Much insanely glorious violence ensues. Hot Rod spies this just as the shuttle is about to take off.

Hot Rod: PRIME!

Hot Rod leaps off the shuttle and heads towards Prime.

Landmine: Hot Rod get back here! We have to go!

Hot Rod: No way! I'm can't let Prime die! He still owes me 700 energon cubes from the last poker night!

Landmine: Well screw you then!

The shuttle takes off as Hot Rod runs toward the carnage, guns in both hands.

Hot Rod: Hang on Prime I'm…

Hot Rod arrives to find the Decepticons almost completely totaled and Prime without a scratch.

Hot Rod: …coming?

Prime: Listen up Zarak. It's obvious now that someone's been manipulating events here, causing us to be at this location together at this exact time. Why, I have no idea. But unless we work together, I fear that it could be the end for us all!

Zarak: Hmmm…

Prime: Decide, Zarak! Will you trust me or shall we wait for our horrific and terrible fate to kill us and make beanie baby toys with our broken and abused carcasses?

Zarak: Hmmm…

*****

Cybertron…

Megatron: Are you done yet?

Ratchet: I would have been done sooner if you hadn't made me paint these colorful racing stripes up his side but yeah, I'm finished. May I present…PRETENDER STARSCREAM!

*DUN DUN DUUUUUN*

Ratchet (turning off the stereo): Sorry.

Megatron: YAHOO! Now I can eliminate all my foes with him! Assuming of course, you've followed my instructions to the letter. His mind…?

Ratchet: Is a blank slate. Though to be honest I fail to see how that's any different from before. Now about the Ark…

Megatron: Ah yes, the Ark. (to the Sports Car Patrol) Hyperdrive, Detour, Roadhugger dismantle the lab. Blackjack, fetch my slippers.

All:

Megatron: Blackjack?

Hyperdrive: Blackjack. On Ark. Laying many powerful explosives.

Megatron: Ah, yes of course. Radio him and give him to the signal to activate the explosives.

Ratchet: NO!

It should be noted that Ratchet knew all along that Megatron would blow up the Ark no matter what he did. Unfortunately, in an attempt to seem shocked, perhaps the medic went a bit too far…

Ratchet (diving and latching onto Megatron's leg): Damn you Megatron! Have you no decency? HAVE YOU NO SHRED OF GOODNESS IN THAT DANK PIT OF EVIL YOU CALL A SPARK?!?!?

Decepticons:

Ratchet (bawling like a Hollywood prima donna): How can you sleep at night? HOW?!?

Megatron (shaking his leg desperately to get Ratchet off): Get off!

Ratchet: THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

Finally, after much leg shaking Megatron managed to kick Ratchet away before escorting Starscream to the portal room. Needing to keep the Sports Car Patrol out of the lab until his little 'surprise' was ready Ratchet went to Plan B.

Ratchet (fiddling with a surgical computer): By the ludicrously large trophy room of Manchester United! These power readings…off the chart! IT'S GONNA BLOW!

As planned the Sports Car Patrol come close, drawing weapons.

Hyperdrive: What'choo talkin' 'bout Autobot?

Detour: Yeah, the only thing about to blow is the Ark!

Ratchet (thinking): True, but a surgical laser to the power core should change that…

A small surgical laser gun pops out of Ratchet's wrist. Aiming it at the power port he discharges a blast and waits for the computer's core to overload.

Nothing happened.

Perturbed Ratchet sent a slightly larger blast into the port and looked again.

Nothing obstinately continued to happen.

Driven mad by yet another thing in his life going wrong, Ratchet started to blast the power port with full power surgical lasers, screaming all the while. The Sports Car Patrol are now slowly backing away, fear etched on their ludicrously ugly faces. Ratchet suddenly turns to face them, whatever tiny semblence of sanity he had visibly dribbling out of his audio sensors.

Ratchet: REEEEEEAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!

Picking them all up in an adrenalin-fuelled burst of strength Ratchet hurled the Sports Car Patrol into the computer. This had the effect he had been going for, which was the destruction of the computer and the incapcitation of the Sports Car Patrol. Giggling like a schoolgirl on speed Ratchet sprinted down the corridor towards the lab onlt to be stopped by what he saw in the portal room.

Ratchet: Aw man, the portal's open already! Which means that Megatron must've had Starscream's program ready, which means he's already on Earth!

Ratchet is prevented from going on by the sight of a shadow looming over him. The owner of the shadow is so angry, his shadow has gone blood red. Ratchet stares in fear before trying a sort of half-assed reverse psychology.

Ratchet: Boy, I sure hope Megatron's standing behind me! (turns around to discover a very pissed off Megatron) Aw hell it IS you!

Megatron: Why you little…!

He starts to choke Ratchet.

Ratchet: AACKKKK!

*****

The Ark…

Blackjack (laying explosives): I've got a luverly bunch of cocobombs, diddily-dum,

                                                     Here they are standing in a rooooow!

                                                     Big ones, small ones,

                                                     Some as big as your head…

Blackjack is interrupted by a beeping noise coming from the computer. Checking it out, he is stunned to see that the Autobots are on their way back from Earth.

Blackjack: Slag! These guys won't be as easy to get rid of as the skeleton crew aboard the Ark was. Better finish up here and skidaddle!

Blackjack turns from the console and finds himself staring down the barrel of a gun. Kup (who had just recovered) glares at the Micromaster with annoyance.

Kup: What're you up to Blackjack?

Blackjack: Err…(puts on a fake French accent) Who iz zis Blackjack you speak of? I am merely a small French pig farmer who has lost his way…

Kup: Don't toy with me punk! I haven't had my medication yet and I'm in a meeeeaaaan mood!

To get the point across Kup pushes Blackjack, causing him to drop his detonator. It hits the ground with a small thwanng, which immediately arms the bombs and starts the countdown.

Blackjack: Sacre bleu!

*****

Back on Earth, a few hours later than the first time we were here…

Prime and Hot Rod are playing poker (Prime's losing quite badly), Mindwipe and Weirdwolf are playing 'I Spy' while the rest of the Decepticons are ogling naked pictures of Tekken 4's Christie Montinero. Looking up from his 467th losing hand Prime spoke to Zarak.

Prime: For Primus' sake Zarak, would you choose a damn option already?!?!

Zarak: Hmmm…

Prime is prevented on stomping on Zarak by a trans-time dimensional portal opening up. As everyone save the Christie Watchers gaze up at the portal. Starscream appears, clad in his Pretender shell.

Starscream: WORD UP MY BITCHES! My master is decreeing you is all for the scrapyard, YO!

Zarak: NO! Not him! Not…

Suddenly Starscream's shell opens and he leaps out, clad in a canary yellow shell suit, more gold chains than a bus load of gangsta rappers, multiple rings on each finger, a red skullcappy thing on his head and a pair of wraparound gold tinted sunglasses along with a bizarre beard/mustache combo.

Zarak (stunned): …Starscream?

*****

Cybertron…

Dreadwind: Erm…boss?

Megatron (looking up from hitting Ratchet over the head with a steel watermelon): WHAT?!?

Dreadwind (one eye on the mysterious melon): I think you should head to the lab. Something's going on.

Megatron gave the semi-concious Ratchet a vicious glance before following Dreadwind to the lab, where Darkwing and the now conscious Sports Car Patrol were gazing at the three prototype Pretender shells as they glowed.

Megatron: The shells have been activated! But who could be in –

Megatron drifts off as he stares at the spot where Goldbug, Grimlock and Jazz had laid. They weren't there any more. He then looked at the Pretender shells. Then he looked back the spot. Then back to the shells. He did this for a full three minutes before Ratchet leapt to his feet from his vantage point on the ground.

Ratchet: MY COMRADES ARE IN THOSE SHELLS YOU MORON!

Megatron (shocked): WHAT?!?

Ratchet: Yeah, and now…IT'S CLOBBERING TIME!

The Decepticons leap into battle poses, waiting for the shells to pop open.

They waited.

And waited.

And waited some more.

Then, from the shells, came the words…

Autobots: HELP! WE CAN'T GET OUT!

Ratchet: Oh for the love of…!

To be continued…

Next week: Ratchet vs. Megatron! Grimlock's Pretenders vs. the Sports Car Patrol! Prime and Scorponok vs. Starry G! This story vs. the reader's sanity! Don't miss it!