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Chapter 6: Pretenders Ahoy! (Issue #59)
When last we left our heroic medic and his not so heroic arch-nemesis they were about to engage in a titanic battle!
Cut to Ratchet, Megatron, Darkwing, Dreadwind, Hyperdrive, Detour and Roadhugger sitting around looking bored as frantic banging is heard from the Pretender shells.
Ratchet: For Primus' sake would you lot hurry up and get out here? We're on a bit of a schedule here ya know.
Decepticons: We are?
Grimlock: ME CAN'T GET OUT OF SHELL!
Ratchet: Just use the release catch!
Grimlock: WHAT YOU TALK ABOUT, THERE NO…oh wait, there it is.
A 'click' can be heard from within Grimlock's shell, followed by the deranged Dinobot charging out of it. Transforming into his T-Rex mode he smashes the startled Megatron through the roof. A faraway outdoors shot of the fortress shows Megatron flying into the stratosphere.
Grimlock: Hmmm, that almost too easy…but what the hey! Easy good!
He and Ratchet are about to high five when a long whistling sound can be heard coming from above. Nanoseconds later Grimlock is squashed by Megatron as falls back into the fortress, the latter of which immediately springs to his feet, pointing an accusing finger at Ratchet.
Megatron: Do you think you've made a bit of difference Ratchet? Well, DO YOU?!?
Ratchet: Well, I –
Megatron: SHUT UP! I don't care what you've done, nothing will stop me from getting my revenge against Scorponok, Prime, you, the government of Liechtenstein, the makers of 'King of the Hill' and especially Albedo and Metal Gear Prime for putting me through hell these past few fanfics! You hear me?!? NOTHING! BWAHAHAHAHAHA –
Megatron's laugh is cut short by nineteen plasma shots to the front. The force of the blasts knocks him backwards into the now upright Grimlock, who clamps his mighty jaws onto the Decepticon's torso. Turning around Ratchet saw Bumblebee, now out of his Pretender shell, holding a smoking plasma hand cannon.
Bumblebee: Sneak attacks, gotta love 'em.
Ratchet: It's good to have you back Bumblebee.
Bumblebee: Hey doc, never doubted you for a minute. Best surgeon this side of Hydrus Four…well, maybe not the BEST…more second best. Or third. Maybe fourth…
Ratchet (monotone): Oh please stop. My ego has swelled to bursting point.
Bumblebee: One question though. Why am I back to being Bumblebee?
Ratchet: Call it personal preference. I always did prefer your original form!
At this Bumblebee's eyes fill with water and his bottom lip begins to quiver.
Bumblebee: S-so, you're saying that I was…ugly?
Ratchet: Dear Primus, yes! I hadn't seen anything that hideous since the time I stumbled upon a nude Leonard Nimoy website.
Bumblebee bursts into tears at this before running to a corner. Bemused, Ratchet hears another voice behind him.
Jazz: If you're quite finished wrecking your comrade's fragile self-esteem I could use a hand.
Ratchet: JAZZ!
Jazz: That's my name don't wear it out.
We can see Jazz, also out of his Pretender shell, kicking the Micromasters around like dolls.
Jazz: These Decepticons may be small, but they can pack one hell of a punch!
Hyperdrive leaps up and punches Jazz in the face. There's little to no power in the punch but Jazz reacts as if he's been punched by Predaking.
Jazz: Oh! Ow! The pain! The agony! The –
Jazz looks up to see that Ratchet's not buying it.
Jazz: Fine, I'm just lazy. Wanna help?
Ratchet: There's no need for me to help. Your Pretender shell can be used to help you fight.
Jazz: Really? How?
Ratchet: Use the power of your mind. Granted, it's a pretty feeble power but try your best anyway.
After flipping the doctor off Jazz strained his mind and communicated a single command to his shell: Fight! The message received, Jazz's shell straighten, took a few steps forward…
…before making a beeline for the still sobbing Bumblebee and kicking the crap out of the unfortunate Autobot.
Jazz: Oh slag!
Ratchet watches as Jazz runs over to his shell and tries to wrestle it off his comrade. He spares a glance at Grimlock with Megatron's legs dangling out of his mouth and Darkwing and Dreadwind, both of whom are engaged in a flame war on their personal laptops, before running to the communications room to contact help.
*****
Meanwhile, back on Earth…
Starry G: It has been decreed by my wicked master DJ McMegatron that all you uncool dudes are goin' to the scrapyard! BOOSHAKA!
Starry G notices that a few Decepticons are not listening and walks over to see why.
Starry G: Ah! You iz lookin' at dey picture of dey Brazilian hottie wid dey sweet babylons, eh? Well, not any more!
Starry G destroys the computer the 'Cons were using before going on a wild shooting spree. By the time he's finished only Prime, Scorponok, Mindwipe and Weirdwolf remain standing.
Zarak: This…this can't be! You died when the powers of the Underbase vaporized you!
Starry G: Ha! Perhaps den, Lord Zarak, I iz a ghost, comin' ta wreak dey dread vengeance on da loosas who be lettin' my fine self become a stiffy! BOOYAKA!
Prime (thinking): Hmmm…yet another enemy back from the dead with new and highly dangerous upgrades. Looks like I'll have to use my secret weapon once again…
Acting quickly, Prime reached into subspace and whipped out a holy tome titled 'The Complete Transformers Toy Line. Collect 'em all!'
Prime: Let's see here…'Pretender Starscream'. They've bound to have listed a weakness somewhere…
Starry G: Oh no you don't!
In an instant Starry G's Pretender shell is pounding the living daylights out of Prime while Starry G himself does the same to the Decepticons.
Prime: Oh well, at least the rest of my troops are safe onboard the Ark…
*****
The Ark…
Kup and Blurr are clustered around the bomb as Getaway interrogates Blackjack. In the background the rest of the functional Autobots are initiating Directive 3A, which states: 'In the event of a certain death scenario put your head between your legs and kiss your skidplate goodbye.'
Blurr: Ohnoohnoohnothisisitwe'rereallygonnadie!
Kup (annoyed): Are you gonna just stand their yappin' or are you going to help?
Blurr: I'mgonnakeepyappin'!
Kup: Getaway! Can't you get that punk to tell you how to disarm these bombs?
Getaway (shaking Blackjack): It's hopeless! He won't tell me anything!
Blackjack: CAN'T tell you, CAN'T! Are you deaf Autobot?
Getaway (cupping a hand to an audio sensor): Eh?
Blackjack: Where's the difficulty here? Just grab the slaggin' bombs and toss 'em out an airlock!
Kup: We can't.
Blackjack: What?!? Why?
Kup: Because…
A few seconds later…
Kup: …and that's why we can't simply toss the bombs off the ship.
Blackjack (amazed): Woah. That IS a good reason.
Kup: Only thing that can save us now is an incredible slice of good luck…
*****
Back at Megatron's House of Imported Booze…
Megatron (hanging out of Grimlock's mouth): ENOUGH! Didn't any of you read the first part of this chapter? NO ONE'S going to rob me of my vengeance!
With that Megatron blasts Bumblebee with his fusion cannon, sending the Minibot flying out of the fortress.
Megatron: Not you, Bumblebee!
Leaping out of Grimlock's mouth the deranged Decepticon grabbed the Dinobot and bodily hurled him through the hole Bumblebee made, taking Jazz (who was in his path) with him.
Megatron: And not YOU Grimlock and Jazz!
Now completely in the throes of a mighty fury Megatron picks up Hyperdrive, Roadhugger and Detour and mashes them together into a ball before kicking them out the hole.
Megatron: And certainly not YOU Micromaster Sports Car Patrol…(realizes what he's just done)…ah, slag it.
Annoyed, Megatron turns to Darkwing and Dreadwind.
Megatron: What the slag are you two waiting for? Go out there and finish them!
Dreadwind: You got it boss!
Dreadwind and Darkwing transform before combining into the super jet Dreadwing. With a roar of his mighty engines Dreadwing powers out of the base, the sonic boom from which embeds Megatron in the far wall.
Megatron: I'm beginning to feel this isn't going to be my day…
Switch over to Ratchet, who's standing in the trans-time dimensional portal control room. He's currently fiddling with a communications relay.
Ratchet: Let's see…direct line to Cybertron…direct line to sympathetic arms dealers on Gottlieb…direct line to Playboy magazine? Sweet!
Resisting the urge to try the last line, Ratchet opens up a communicae to the Ark. The screen flickers for a second before the gormless face of Cloudburst appears.
Cloudburst: Oh, hello…um…
Ratchet: Ratchet.
Cloudburst: Yeah! Ratchet! How's it goin' buddy?
Ratchet: Not too good. Megatron's –Cloudburst: Who?
Ratchet: Megatron. You know, big guy, large arm mounted cannon, smells vaguely of month old cheese?
Cloudburst: Oh, MEGAtron! The guy who sells otter pelts on 24th Street!
Ratchet: …what? Look, I want you to open a portal at your location. When it opens, I want you to shove the most powerful, destructive weapon you've got through it. Understand?
Cloudburst: The most powerful, destructive weapon we have?
Ratchet: Mmm-hmm.
Cloudburst: Ok. Does Megatron want anything?
Ratchet: Huh? What does –
Ratchet gets very very quiet as a silver arm snaked past him and flicked the comms unit off. Cut to Cloudburst on board the Ark.
Cloudburst: Eh? What does 'oh flurking shint!' mean? Hello?
Cloudburst shrugs before commencing his quest to find the most destructive weapon on board the Ark. As he walks he happens to spot the bombs Blackjack had laid out.
Cloudburst: Hmmm…
Back at Megs' House of Bad Planning…
Ratchet: Well, come on then. Give me the 'Ruin MY genius plot will you?!?' speech.
Megatron (for it is he): Speech this.
Megatron uppercuts Ratchet, sending the medic flying. As Megatron advances on Ratchet, the latter flips himself upright before striking a kung fu pose.
Ratchet: Let me teach you a lesson my friend!
With a Xena-esque war cry Ratchet leaped into the air before striking Megatron with a roundhouse kick. Then, by no visible means he stays in the air, delivering kick after kick to Megatron's head. After three minutes of this Megatron (undamaged thanks to Ratchet having the psychical strength of a three hour old gerbil) grabbed Ratchet and smashed him to the ground. Seizing his chance the former 'Con overlord pins Ratchet with a foot to the chest plate while aiming his fusion cannon at Ratchet's head.
Megatron: And so it ends…
Ratchet: Oh yes! But not in the way you would want it to end!
Megatron: What?
Grinning, Ratchet lifted his arm to reveal a built-in mini TV. The scene is Starry G's rampage on Earth…
Cut to Earth where Starry G is approaching Zarak menacingly.
Starry G: And now, little squishy man, I iz going to –
Suddenly Starry G convulses and crackles with electricity. When it is over, he is Starscream again.
Starscream: Wha…? Where am I? What's going –
Starscream looks up as Zarak, riding atop Scorponok, grinning homicidally down at him.
Starscream (tiny voice): Mummy.
Back to Megatron's Fortress of Sheep…
Megatron: What the…?!
Ratchet: Did you really think that I would send Starscream to Earth without throwing a spanner into the works?
Megatron is about to speak when the trans-time dimensional portal opens up a few feet away from them. Ratchet's Smug Smile of Victory is replaced by the Open Mouthed Squeal of Horror as Blackjack's bombs are unceremoniously dumped out of the portal.
Ratchet: Aw slag…well, at least I'll take you with…(notices that Megatron is already running for the portal)…HEY!
Almost immediately Ratchet chases after Megatron and manages to tackle him on the very edge of the portal.
Ratchet: This time, YOU STAY DEAD!
Megatron: Pfft. As if I haven't heard that one before.
Cut to the outside of Megatron's base a few seconds earlier, where Grimlock, Jazz and Bumblebee are sitting on the wrecked remains of the Sports Car Patrol as they watch Dreadwing attack three lumps of metal which vaguely resemble the Classic Pretenders.
Jazz: How long do ya think it'll take for them to figure out we're over here?
Grimlock: I'd give them about…ooh, three hours at most.
At this point Blackjack's bombs go off, completely destroying Megatron's base in a massive roar of noise.
Bumblebee: Say, you guys hear something?
Grimlock/Jazz: Nope.
Back on Earth…
Hot Rod: I can't believe you just let Scorponok leave with Starscream.
Prime: It was for the best, Hot Rod. Besides, I think Starscream's suffered enough today, don't you?
Hot Rod: I suppose. Man, who'da thought you could fit a truck in that particular orifice?
Prime: Indeed. It will be a while before Starscream amuses us with yet another wacky attempt at gaining control of the Decepticons.
Hot Rod: Or be able to walk properly.
Prime: At any rate, my main concern lies with Ratchet.
Hot Rod: Eh, I wouldn't worry Optimus. Something tells my ol' Ratchet's gonna be all right…
Cut to unspace (the reality between dimensions) where the newly fused Megatron and Ratchet are floating aimlessly.
Megatron: Well this sucks.
Ratchet: Yup.
To be continued…
Next chapter: NIGHTBEAT! SHOCKWAVE! BETRAYAL! PLAY-DOH! All this and more in Chapter 7: The Issue with a Shock Ending! On sale sometime in the next decade!
