THE STORY SO FAR…
Following the supposed destruction of Ratchet and Megatron, Grimlock, Jazz and Bumblebee ran amok on Cybertron, blowing generic Decepticons to pieces with the help of the Micromaster Rescue Patrol and a group of Targetmasters who never appear again. An incident involving them, the Decepticon Mayhem Attack Squad (Bludgeon, Stranglehold and Octopunch), and an errant laser blast lead to the awakening the Transformers' god, Primus. The news that this tiny mistake could lead to the destruction of the Transformers race at the hands of the dark god Unicron causes Prime to initiate the Matrix Quest in a bid to find the Matrix (duh), said to be the only thing capable of stopping the mustachioed one. The Quest consisted of four teams of three Autobots per team (Nightbeat, Hosehead and Siren traveling to Pz-Zazz, Backstreet, Dogfight and Override arriving in Cheyne, Doubleheader, Pincer and Longtooth going to Gottlieb and Grimlock, Jazz and Bumblebee traveling to VsQs). Predictably, none of these teams managed to secure the Matrix, with the Sacred Lifeforce ending up in the hands of the Decepticon Thunderwing who had been shadowing the participating Autobots since the beginning of the Quest with his merry band of idiots (Spinister, Needlenose, Ruckus and Windsweeper). In the end it became necessary to launch Thunderwing and the now-corrupted Matrix into space by means of a self destructing shuttle, leading Prime to find a new way to combat Unicron. Meanwhile, in an alternate future, Galavtron is on the verge of ruling Earth having all but wiped out the Autobots (seven remain, but it's not exactly a team of Herculean proportions). Long story short, Galvatron is kidnapped by Hook, Line and Sinker, soldiers created by an alternate past version of Unicron who wished to use Galvatron to help him destroy Cybertron, which in this timeline has already been destroyed by the alternate future version of the same dark god. Still with me? His disappearance gives hope to Jazz, Prowl and Inferno (Guzzle, Chainclaw, Getaway and Crossblades having bought the farm earlier) that they can perhaps still win the war, completely ignoring the fact that it's still 3 Autobots vs. a couple of hundred Decepticons.
Oh yeah, and some guy called Shockwave returns to present Starscream with an intriguing proposition.
AND NOW, THE STORY CONTINUUMS…
Chapter 7: The Issue with a Shock Ending! (Issue #69)
Open up with the Ark flying through space. Inside, the Autobots are relaxing as only they can; ie: watching TV, playing chess (and socking the victor), disco dancing, telling lame jokes and nude baby-oil wrestling. Cut to Waverider walking down a corridor. As he passes Grimlock's quarters he hears an almighty ruckus coming from within. Alarmed, he enters the quarters to discover the Autobot second in command wildly flinging his limbs around the place, destroying everything he comes in contact with.
Waverider: GRIMLOCK!
Grimlock: Shhh! You'll interrupt my Tai Chi session!
Waverider: Tai Chi?
Grimlock stops and looks at Waverider crossly. Behind him, the Pretender sees a video monitor with a Tai Chi program playing on it.
Grimlock: Yes, Tai Chi. And now you've ruined my inner balance. Me hope you're happy.
Waverider: Um…out of curiosity, is there anything you want to talk about?
Grimlock: Nope.
Waverider: You're not still suffering from any ill effects from…'that time', are you?
Grimlock: What time?
Waverider: You know…when we accidentally dropped your Pretender shell down that 400-foot ravine when we rescued you, Jazz and Bumblebee from VsQs.
Grimlock: For the last time, me not suffering from any side-…
Suddenly Grimlock stiffens up like a statue before dancing a frantic polka.
Grimlock: THE ONIONS ARE COMING! SOMEONE WARN THE CANTALOUPES!
Almost as suddenly as he began Grimlock stops and looks at Waverider as if nothing had happened.
Grimlock: …-effects.
Waverider (backing away slowly): Yes, well I'll be heading off then to…
As soon as he's a safe distance away Waverider runs off, leaving Grimlock to resume his uber-violent Tai Chi session. Meanwhile, Optimus Prime walks down a corridor towards the science labs, moping as he goes.
Prime: Look at them, my Autobots. Laughing, having a good time…
We now see several Autobots doing things. Siren and Hosehead telling lewd jokes concerning Scorponok and his alleged fondness for sheep to each other, Dogfight, Joyride and Pincer are getting high from the Ark's exhaust fumes while Highbrow is leading a blindfolded Cloudburst to an airlock.
Prime: …but as they enjoy themselves, they continue to treat the threat of Unicron as a legend rather than an actuality. If only…
Prime is halted in his musing by a stabbing pain in his stomach which brings him to his knees.
Prime: Damn energon burritos! That's the last time I eat at Hot Rod's again.
Once the pain has subsided, Prime continues on his way and enters Science Lab B-1, where Nightbeat is seen to be feverishly working at a computer station.
Prime: Found anything, Nightbeat?
On hearing Prime's voice, Nightbeat closes down his game of The Sims and brings up a few schematics.
Nightbeat: I think so.
Prime: Geez, that was quick.
Nightbeat: That's what happens when you force someone to work non-stop for nine straight weeks. I'd better get that overtime pay you promised me.
Prime (crossing his fingers): Oh, absolutely!
Nightbeat: Um, you're supposed to do that behind your back.
Prime: Do what?
Nightbeat: Yeesh. Anyway, long story short, Ratchet isn't dead.
Prime: Say…what?
Nightbeat: Stop that. I've reviewed Jazz's report –
Prime: Just Jazz's? Why not Cloudburst's as well?
Nightbeat: Well, I would've used Cloudburst's but all it contained was a few doodles of Lexa Doig and a recipe for gazpacho soup.
Prime: That's an outrage!
Nightbeat: No kidding. His soup sucks big time.
Prime: But how could Ratchet be alive?
Nightbeat: Well, it's possible that he could have been blown into the portal by the force of an initial, smaller explosion. The main explosion a nanosecond later would have caused the portal to shut down, trapping Ratchet in unspace, the region between realities.
Nightbeat walks over to a probe which is mounted on a platform.
Nightbeat: By using this probe which I've primed with Ratchet's bio-mechanical readout, it may be possible to pull Ratchet out of unspace and back into reality.
Nightbeat looks over to Prime. Silence reigns for a few moments as the facts sink in.
Prime: Say…what?
Nightbeat (sigh): I'll just dumb it down a shade shall I?
Nightbeat leaves the lab. Three minutes later he returns dressed up as a fisherman, complete with boots, checkered shirt and silly hat. He's carrying a tub of water with the word UNSPACE written on it, a fishing rod with the word PROBE written on it and a Play-Doh doll of Ratchet. Sitting down he tosses the doll into the tub and dips the rod in. After a few minutes he snags the doll and brings it out of the tub.
Prime: Sooooooo…you're saying we could save Ratchet from unspace using your probe?
Nightbeat: By Primus! Such observation! Such lightning quick deduction skills! What are you doing here when there are numerous unsolved cases out there waiting to be solved? Go! Go for the sake of the Universe!
Prime (narrowing his optics): You know, they say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor.
Nightbeat: The most fun too.
Nightbeat walks over to a console and presses a few buttons. The trans-time dimensional portal opens up and swallows the probe before closing down again.
Nightbeat: I just hope this doesn't lead to a situation not unlike a certain horror film starring Jeff Goldblum.
Prime: Yeah, like that's going to happen.
*****
Meanwhile, many light years away, the dark god Unicron opens a portal to an alternate future, allowing his servants Hook, Line and Sinker to emerge with their captive, the deranged Galvatron.
Unicron: Ah, my servants. You have returned. All went well I hope?
Hook: Yep, aside from the fact that Sinker was sent to Japan in 2002.
Cut over to Sinker, who is dressed in a Brazil soccer kit, has a Brazilian flag hat on his hat and a inflatable World Cup trophy on his back.
Sinker: TOP O' THE WORLD MA!
Line: At least he's stopped singing in Portuguese.
Galvatron: …!
Unicron: Speak with your mind.
Galvatron: ………………!
Unicron: Well, not that's it's any of your business; I've been building an airtight lawsuit against Albedo. I'll teach her to use my name without consent by cracky!
Galvatron: ……?
Unicron: WHAT?! How dare you! My mother was a saint!
Unicron whacks Galvatron with a wave of plasma, causing the tyrant to silently scream in pain.
Unicron: Now go! Take Hook, Line and Sinker with you and hinder the efforts of Primus' children to prepare for my arrival.
Galvatron (thinking): Oh, I'll play your game all right, but it'll be by my rules…
Unicron: I can read your thoughts you know.
Galvatron (thinking): Uh-oh…
*****
Back on the Ark…
Grimlock can be seen in the Med-bay, cheerfully loading the Dinobots' bodies onto a hover platform when Kup happens to walk by.
Kup: HEY! What do ya think yer doin'?!
Grimlock: Just a spot of body snatching. Wanna help?
Kup: No I don't want to help! Step away from those pods!
Kup points his gun at Grimlock.
Grimlock: Now wait a second! Me found way to bring my Dinobots back to life! To bring all Autobots back to life!
Kup: What? Don't you trust our medical team to be able to do that?
Grimlock: Our medical team consists of Fixit and Hot Rod. Me not exactly filled with hope on that score.
Kup: Point taken. Still I'm afraid I'm going to have to –
Grimlock (looking past Kup): PRIME!
Kup: Oh please! Do you really think I'm that gullible?
Grimlock: Hmm. No, I…BY PRIMUS! LEXA DOIG!
Kup: WHERE?!
Kup turns around to where Grimlock was looking. Seeing no one there, he turns back and gets acquainted with Grimlock's fist.
*****
Meanwhile…
Scorponok can be seen standing outside the Decepticons base in New Jersey as Mindwipe and Triggerhappy are flying away from him.
Scorponok: Come back here! Traitors! Deserters! Cowards! Italians!
Mindwipe: WHAT?!? How dare you!
Triggerhappy: Dude! Calm down, he's only trying to rile you!
Scorponok (as the two 'Cons fly away): No, wait! Don't go! I'm so lonely…
Scorponok bows his head sadly as a tumbleweed drifts by.
Mindwipe: Can you believe him, Triggerhappy? First, he welcomes Starscream back into the Decepticons after he's tried to kill us all, then he loses him again, and then he spends the entire budget for April on Final Fantasy X action figures!
Triggerhappy: Well, I think we can forgive him for the last one.
Mindwipe: Pffft. You're just saying that cause he got you that Bahamut figure.
Triggerhappy: So? It's sooooooo KEWL!
Starscream: Hi guys!
Mindwipe: Hi Screamer.
A second passes. Triggerhappy and Mindwipe do a double take towards Starscream.
Triggerhappy/Mindwipe: EEEEEEEEEEEK!
In a panic both Decepticons transform to robot mode and land in a painful heap. Starscream does likewise and lands gracefully.
Starscream: Smooth.
Mindwipe: Quiet you! Just as soon as my skeleton mends itself I'll get rid of you once and for all!
Russian Voice: Please, comrades. Let us not fight amongst ourselves.
Triggerhappy: What the…RAVAGE! (looks beyond the panther) AND SHOCKWAVE! (looks beyond the cyclops bot) AND RUNAMUCK AND RUNABOUT!
Shockwave: Are you quite finished?
Triggerhappy: Yup.
Shockwave: Splendid. Now…
Mindwipe: Wait a second! You were supposed to have died some 20 odd issues ago! How did you survive?
Starscream: I was wondering that myself.
Runabout/Runamuck/Ravage: Yeah, us too!
Shockwave: For the love of…fine! I'll tell you how I survived.
Flashback: Shockwave hurtling towards Earth in gun mode. He starts to go bright red as he re-enters the Earth's atmosphere.
Shockwave (singing): Feelin' hot, hot, hot…
Runabout (VO): Oh, now that's just lame!
Shockwave (VO): Quiet you! Anyway…
Eventually Shockwave ends up crashing in the North Pole. As he lies there steaming a tribe of killer penguins waddle up to him.
Penguin 1: QUACK QUACK QUACK!
(Translation: Let us skin him alive and eat him.)
Penguin 2: QUACK QUACKETY QUACK!
(Translation: No, first we must bring him back to our lair and boil him in energon. Then we shall skin him alive and serve him with a lovely mint sauce.)
Shockwave: I think I'm going to like hangin' with these penguins.
End flashback.
Shockwave: And I did!
Pan around the faces of the other Decepticons. They all look slightly worried. After a few seconds of silence Ravage speaks up.
Ravage: Well, since we are trading the stories involving the near death and so forth, I shall be pitching my story of heroic survival, for it is a tale both long and insanely macho!
Mindwipe: Let me guess. Skids threw you down a well, you somehow survived and ended up taking part in the Time Wars, an excellent UK only story that can't be fit into the American continuity no matter how hard you try.
Long silence.
Ravage (tearful): Curse you, Comrade Mindwipe! Curse you and your comically fake Romanian accent!
Ravage curls up into a ball and starts to bawl his optics out.
Starscream: Moving swiftly along, you lot have been chosen by Shockwave and I for a specific purpose. You see…(dramatic close-up of Starscream)…we've declared war!
Thunder booms. Lightning flashes.
Triggerhappy: Whoa. How'd you do that?
Starscream: Do what?
Triggerhappy: You know, timing your answer so that the thunder and lightning makes your announcement incredibly dramatic.
Starscream: Oh, that? That happens every time anyone speaks in any sort of dramatic way.
Mindwipe: Really?
Starscream: Yeah. Check this out.
Starscream takes a deep breath as the camera zooms in.
Starscream (dramatically): YOUR LIBRARY BOOKS ARE OVERDUE!
Thunder booms. Lightning flashes.
Runabout (fearful): T-they are?!?
*****
Back on the Ark, where Prime is talking with Nightbeat and Waverider in Science Lab B-1…
Waverider: This is a mistake.
Prime: I disagree. Only be surrendering to the Decepticons can we hope to convince them to join us in our struggle against Unicron.
Nightbeat: We're not disagreeing with you. We're just saying that you shouldn't have offered Slapdash as a virgin sacrifice as an incentive to accept your surrender.
Prime: I've had just about enough of your negative comments! To the Ark with the pair of you, post-haste!
Nightbeat: But we're already on the Ark.
Prime: Good. Then stay there.
Cloudburst (over the coms): Prime! Grimlock's stolen the Dinobots' bodies, hijacked a shuttle and escaped from the Ark!
Prime: What?!? When did this happen?
Cloudburst: Um…about six hours ago.
Prime: SIX HOURS AGO! Why the hell didn't you tell me about this before?
Cloudburst: I tried to but every time I used my communicator all I kept getting was a wet squidgy sound.
Cloudburst holds up his communicator for Prime to see.
Prime: That's a jam tart.
Cloudburst: Is it? Wow, so that's what Backstreet meant when he said "Give me back my lunch you retarded son of Texan politician"…
Prime (switching off the coms): Idiot. So now Grimlock's run off on me on the eve of our important peace mission. What else could go hideously, disastrously wrong?
Suddenly Nightbeat's dimensional probe returns, flying out of a trans-time dimensional portal and clonking Waverider on the head, knocking the Pretender out cold. This is followed a second later by Ratchet and Megatron, now fused into an unbelievably ugly creature with pupils in their eyes for some reason. Cut to Prime and Nightbeat staring agog before showing that they're staring at a website titled "Dead or Alive 3: The Hentai Page".
Ratchet/Megatron: SNARL! BLOOGH! GRRRR! WEEBLE WOBBLE!*
*Translation: Er, hello? Horrifically fused Transformers standing not three feet away from you! Hello?…Insensitive bastards.
To be continued…
*****
