It's been a while, has it not? Apologies to everyone who's waited…how long has it been now? Well anyway, enjoy this new chapter of the strangely popular Megatron/Ratchet saga, and I'll see you soon for the final chapter!
Chapter 8: The Curse of the Two-Headed Idiot
The Ark, where Waverider is still unconscious, Optimus Prime and Nightbeat are still ogling the Dead or Alive 3 Hentai Page and the Ratchet/Megatron creature is amusing itself by reading The Lord of the Rings. A persistent scratching sound can be heard. Presently the web page shuts down.
Prime: Ahhhh, now that was…(notices Ratchet and Megatron) gaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh…
Nightbeat: Prime? What is…(also sees Ratchet and Megatron) gaaaaaaaaaaahhhh…
Waverider (waking up): Hunh? What's going…(same as the first two) gaaaaaaahhhhhh…
Ratchet/Megatron (waving their arms wildly): AAAAARGH! WICKY WOCKY!
We now see Prime, Nightbeat and Waverider stare at the fused creature from a variety of angles, including slightly to the left, just outside the room, over Prime's shoulder and through an old carton of milk. Frustrated, the creature ripped a piece of metal from the wall and, with one quick downward stroke, brought it down on its head, separating the heads of Ratchet and Megatron. The scratching sound gets a bit louder.
Ratchet/Megatron: Ow…
Prime: Ratchet? Are you okay?
Ratchet: Me? Oh, I'm fine. Well, apart from the spark-destroying nightmare my life's become.
Prime: So, same as always then?
Ratchet: Pretty much.
SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH.
Megatron: ENOUGH! Now, Optimus Prime, I…what the hell is that?
Ratchet: What's what?
SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH.
Megatron: That loud scratching noise. I've been hearing it for the past 2 trillion years and I want to know what it is.
Waverider: 2 trillion years? But you've only been gone a few months.
Ratchet: Time moves significantly quicker in unspace.
Prime: Oh? So how long were you both stuck in there?
Megatron: About…700 trillion years.
Nightbeat: 700 trillion years?!
Ratchet: Eh, it wasn't so bad. The millennia pretty much flew by when I was singing the Dragon Half theme music.
At the mention of Dragon Half, Megatron's eye begins to twitch.
Prime: Japanese or English?
Ratchet: Both.
As Megatron's twitch grows more erratic, Kup enters the room.
Kup: Prime, you wanted to know when the baby potatoes were ready and…
From Kup's POV, we see the Ratchet side of the monster, with the Megatron side obscured by Prime.
Kup: Ratchet!
Kup immediately draws a pistol from subspace, looks at it, then put it back. He then brings out a HUGE chain gun and points it at Ratchet.
Kup: You bastard, you still owe me 6,000 shanix from our last poker game!
As Prime turns to face Kup, Megatron twists his head to look at his (Megatron's) back. To his shock, he sees that Ratchet's right arm is fused to the cylinder thingie on his back. Worse still, he sees that the source of the mysterious scratching is the hand of that arm sporadically scratching the area that's Megatron's booty.
Prime: What? Kup, don't! You…
Megatron (to Ratchet): Hey! Stop scratching my ass!
Everyone immediately falls dead silent and looks at Megatron. After a few seconds of embarrassed silence, Ratchet turns to the reader.
Ratchet: Folks, you've just witnessed a new low in fanfic humor. Good for you!
Kup: Die!
Kup fires at Ratchet and Megatron. As the plasma rounds fly towards the fused beast, everything suddenly slows down as they bend backwards, their heads touching the floor as the bullets miss them completely. They snap upright as time resumes its normal flow.
Ratchet: Well, there's another beloved movie parodied to death…
Megatron: Ooh, sapristi gunshot wounds! Take this!
The creature charges toward Kup. Before the aged Autobot can get a shot off, they leap into the air and slam Kup in the face with a flying kick delivered using Megatron's foot.
Kup: AAAAGH!
Megatron: Accursed Autobot! How dare you strike me in the foot with the full force of your face!
Ratchet: Oh, for Primus' sake! Now he's referencing a fifty year old radio show? Who's going to get that one?
Eccles: Heloooooo.
Ratchet: Sigh.
*****
Meanwhile, on the medical planet Hydrus Four, Grimlock is traversing a swamp carrying the bodies of his Dinobot comrades. He hopes to use the planet's abundant supply of Nucleon to bring them and the legions of deactivated Autobots aboard the Ark back to life. However, he's run into a small problem…
Grimlock: Stupid guide! WAKE UP!
Grimlock bashes the deactivated mechanical guide on the head, to no effect. Just as he's about to get really physical, the screen on the guide's chest lights up, revealing a picture of a man.
Grytpype-Thynne: Greetings. I am Hercules Grytpype-Thynne.
Grimlock: What? Me thought that crossover was finished in the last paragraph.
Grytpype-Thynne: No such luck. We'll be lucky if the author doesn't keep it up until the end of the story.
Grimlock: Stupid author.
Grytpype-Thynne: Indeed. Now, I see you're having trouble with your guide.
Grimlock: I am. One minute he annoying me with his stupid Wheelie-esque ways, then he suddenly go dead.
Grytpype-Thynne: Yes, well that's because you have to insert a coin.
Grimlock: What?
A small slot opens up in the guide's shoulder. Grimlock stares at it in mute shock.
Grimlock: What the…are you saying stupid guide is coin-operated?
Grytpype-Thynne: Yes. Please deposit fifty thousand shanix.
Grimlock: Right, that's it. Stuff this slag, me fine my own way to Nucleon font.
Grytpype-Thynne: Suit yourself.
The guide's screen shuts off as Grimlock drags the sleigh carrying his Dinobot comrades toward what he believes to be the direction of the font.
Grimlock: Stupid goon. Not realize he's dealing with super-smart Marvel Grimlock, not super-stupid Cartoon Grimlock. Me find font easily!
A few seconds later…
Grimlock: Me am so lost.
*****
Back on the Ark, in the engine room…
Megatron: Ah, if it isn't Optimus Prum…I mean Prime! Optimus Prime!
We see Prime facing off against Ratchet and Megatron. All around them, bits of smashed machinery lay around the room.
Ratchet: Prime? You're not going to kill me…are you?
Prime: I'm sorry, old friend, but I must, otherwise Kup will make good on his threat to overthrow me and rename himself Kuptimus Prime.
Megatron: So you dare to challenge us? Fool! Feel the awesome fury of my fusion…
Prime quickly and easily aims his pistol and fires, destroying Megs' cannon.
Megatron: …Right then! You leave me no other choice!
Ratchet: What're you…(realizes what Megs has planned) No, you fool!
Megatron and Ratchet transform, with difficulty, into a bizarre half-handgun, half-ambulance thing and lay immobile on the floor.
Prime: …
Megatron: …Well, that was a flop. Back to robot mode!
Megatron and Ratchet transform again, only to end up freezing up halfway, becoming a robot/handgun/ambulance creature. They manage to stay standing for a second before crashing to the floor again.
Prime: …
*****
A few minutes later…
We Prime, Siren and Getaway in the Medbay, with Megatron and Ratchet lying unconscious on an operating table and Fixit standing on a stool, staring at the mess on the table. After a while he looks up at Prime.
Fixit: What'd you to them?
Prime: For the last time, I didn't do anything! They did it to themselves.
At this point Kup enters the bay, wearing a royal purple cape and a crown on his head.
Kup: All hail Kuptimus Prime!
Siren: Sorry dude, but Prime beat the monster.
Kup: What? Prime, you actually did it?
Prime: Here's a hint!
And with that, Prime produces a laser rifle and vaporizes Kup. Silence.
Fixit: Right then! Anyway, you should know that I can't save Ratchet without also saving Megatron, due to some technical mumbo-jumbo. And even when they're separated physically, they will still share a bond mentally. In essence, they will always be one being.
Getaway: Sounds intriguing.
Fixit: I wouldn't worry about it, though. The whole thing will probably be forgotten about if there's ever another comic series following this one. Shall I proceed with the operation?
Prime (ignoring the looks he's receiving from Siren and Getaway): Proceed.
Fade to black. A sudden, painful sounding rip is heard.
Fixit: Oops. I hope neither of them needed that.
To be continued…
