Author's Notes: This takes place in a ridiculous world (you'll see) where there is the Matrix, but everyone knows about it and takes it in stride. Since the machines and the humans get along, there's no rebellion. The Agents are there for conspiratorial reasons and because it's fun to torture them. ^_^. Also, Agent Jones is the Agent I imagine to be Agent Jones, that is, the skinnier-looking one (I'm starting to think I have them confused, but Jones just sounds like the name of the skinnier-looking one to me) and in my little universe the Asian Goon of Mero's is female (if she is, in fact, male, well, I don't care, she's female here. So Nyah). One last thing: All the characters save for Agent Jones, Agent Tea-x, and Sadako (they're in their early 20s) are teenagers, and they are all filming this for. I don't know, a school project or something...

Apologies to: The Matrix, Harry Potter, The Blair Witch Project, Ringu, The Simpsons, Terminator3, Red Hot Riding Hood, "That BloodyElvenMongoose Girl", Monty Python & The Holy Grail, Ren & Stimpy, Dance Dance Revolution, The Frighteners, and anyone/thing else that is mentioned during the course of this parody

Announcer (Agent Jones): In April of (makes air quotes) "1999" two humans and a program went into the (makes air quotes again) "woods" to do a film on the - (begins to make air quotes again, but is smacked upside his head by another Agent who's hiding out of camera range) OW! All right, I'll stop! Sheesh! (Regains composure) Anyway, two humans and a program went into the woods to try and film an exiled program known as the Blair Woods Specter. They were never seen again. However, some of the film they recorded was recovered a few months later during the search mission. (Lowers voice) No, it was not our fault, we swear! (The other Agent smacks him upside the head again) OW!! WHY YOU LITTLE- (crashes, screaming, shots fired)

Cut to footage of the three missing, er, people:

Switch, a young woman with shiny blond hair that would make the entire Malfoy family jealous, is the leader of the expedition.

Apoc, who is the same age as Switch, is a nice guy in spite of his tough- looking exterior. He is the camera guy and Switch's best friend.

Rain is the Asian, female "Vampire" from Mero's manse. She claims to know the area they will be hiking in and was helping out by operating the microphones.

Announcer: Switch was a gifted film student whose next project was supposed to be an expose on the Blair Woods Specter. She was accompanied by her friend Apoc, who operated the camera, and Rain, a Vam- (gets smacked again) Ow! What?! It's okay to say that! Rain is a "Vampire" who claimed to know the area. They went into the woods on Saturday, May 14th. What follows is an edited story from the film we have found during our search for their bod- ERR, I mean, for them.

DAY 1: Introductions, an Interview, and Setting up Camp

Switch is standing in front of a mirror filming her reflection.

Switch: Hello all, my name is Switch and I and the director of what will hopefully be an interesting film. It is 6 AM on Saturday the 14th of May and we will be shortly be meeting my camera guy and best bud Apoc and our guide Rain, who will show us around the Blair Woods. This promises to be very interesting weekend!

Cut to Switch now filming Apoc and Rain at Apoc's house.

Apoc: Hi my name's Apoc and this is Rain (she waves) Right now we're going to go interview some people for the story and then we're going to go set up camp in the Blair Woods. All right, let's go!

Announcer: The three go interview Det. Amos Kawarimi, who is very familiar on the local folklore of this part of the System. They originally intended to interview some more people after their camping trip, but as you may have guessed they never got around to it.

Switch: How did the story of the Blair Woods Specter begin Det. Kawarimi?

Amos: Well, it all started a few years ago when the trees in the forest began acting strangely. It was early summer of 1977- (the Announcer snickers) -and the leaves were turning late autumn colors, then they turned blue, then black. It was discovered that the program for the forest was severely glitching and it was replaced. Unfortunately, it seems that the new program in charge of the forest was not well liked by the old one, which apparently came back and killed it. They say now that the forest is "haunted" by the old program, which is said to be insane.

Switch: Wow. Can you describe what this anomaly looks like?

Amos: Well, the few people who've seen it describe it as a tall woman wearing a tattered dark red dress, like a wealthy woman gone to seed. She has long black hair, bone-white skin, and according to one person she does not have a face. Oh! I've got a picture, one of a few I've found-

He holds up a very old-looking photo. It's a picture of Sadako Yamamura from Ringu, her hair all tangled and wearing a frighteningly decayed- looking, dangerously low-cut, blood-reddish-colored dress. This being Sadako, the only visible part of her face is a single, glaring eye.

Switch and Apoc: YIKES!!!

Rain: YI- wow, nice dress! Is that haut couture?

Announcer: YOWZA!!!! (Morphs into a cartoon wolf in a zoot-suit) *pant pant pant!!!*

The other Agent (shocked!): THAT'S MY SISTER!!!! (Proceeds to beat Agent Jones, which snaps him out of his wild-take)

Switch: Uh. anyway, is this really a photograph of the Blair Woods Specter?

Amos: Undoubtedly. A friend gave it to me, and he swore all he was trying to do was take a picture of an unusual-looking tree. You can see it in the background.

He points to a spot in the scary photo, which provides Apoc an opportunity to zoom in on Sadako's chest area.

Announcer: OMG SHE IS HOT!! (Lets loose a wolf-whistle)

Agent "Sadako's Brother": SHUT UP!!!! (Gets out his now empty gun and tries to beat him again, but Agent Jones smacks him upside the head, laughs with obvious glee, and runs out of the room. He did not see the other Agent get back up and follow him.)

Switch: Riiiiight. Well, thank you very much for your time, Det. Kawarimi, it's been very informative!

Amos: No problem. Just be sure that when you go into the woods (he already knows that they're going into the woods) steer clear of any "grisly-y decorated trees."

Switch: What? What do you mean, "grisly-y decorated trees" That sounds so. ew.

Amos: *Chuckles* If you're going camping in the Blair Woods you'll know soon enough.

Switch, thinking: This sounds suspiciously like foreshadowing to me. Out loud: Well, don't worry; I don't think we'll be fortunate enough to encounter any decorated trees on our camping trip!

They thank Det. Amos Kawarimi and leave. Apoc continues filming them on the car ride to the campsite using his small digi-camera.

Apoc: I think that went well. He was very... interesting.

Rain: Yeah. I loved that dress!

Switch: Uh. yeah. But I don't know, I got a weird vibe from that picture. I don't know, I can't explain it.

Apoc: Do you mean the way the Announ-

Rain: SHHH!!!

Announcer, in another room and nursing a few new cuts and bruises: The hapless trio makes their way to the campsite on the outskirts of the Blair Woods. They have left their car in the parking lot and head into the dark forest. The park ranger is the last human ever to speak to them or see them. alive anyway. (Cackles evilly) Heh heh heh!

Switch: *shudder* There's that "feeling" again!

Rain: *snicker*

The three set up camp. It's now mid afternoon, and they shoot some "atmospheric" scenery shots. Switch sets up the camera and records some dialogue for the film.

Switch: In the year 1977, a program called Sadako was in charge of the Blair Woods. She was discovered to be glitching up the trees in the Blair Woods and was forcibly removed and a new program called Willow was sent to take her place. The defective Sadako apparently went into exile, and then came back to her forest to get her home back. She slaughtered Willow by ripping her to pieces, and then used the assorted body parts decorated a huge pine tree like a grisly Xmas tree (that sounds redundant, doesn't it?). The story has since passed on into legend, though there have been sporadic reports of strange happenings in the Blair Woods by hikers and campers, most notably seeing a strange woman in the forest who is now known as the Blair Woods Specter.

Announcer: I'd like to see the strange woman in the forest...

Agent Yamamura (bursting into the room): DIE YOU EFFING-!!!

Their fight starts again. Another Agent, a woman called Agent Tea-x, takes over for the Agent Jones.

New Announcer (Agent Tea-x): (glares at the other two for a moment) ...Males... *sighs* the three make camp, and then go to bed. Nothing unusual occurs that night, but when they awake the next morning...