Authors Notes:  Hmm, how to explain this one…um…lets just say I'm stuck between a rock a hard place, and I really need to express my anger in a practical fashion…so here goes. I hope you enjoy. Always – Aly

Disclaimer – All Harry Potter characters belong to J.K. Rowling,- Jenny..is Robyn, lol – Greg and Katelyn are figments of my insane imagination.

Everything I've ever known

            I hate you…I hate you James Potter…I hate you for throwing my heart around…

            Lily Evans sat bitterly in her History of Magic class staring at the side of James Potter's face. In her seventh and final year she had admitted it in the corner of The Three Broomsticks to Sirius, her very dear and closest friend.

            "Listen, I don't want to love him… I just do, and so help me, if this gets out, I'll have your head Siri." She threatened.

            Sirius Black studied his near little sister's face. Her intense emerald eyes glittered joyfully, even though she was angry, and her flaming, kinky waves twisted down around her face and down to the middle of her back.  She had a gentle porcelain colored complexion just lightly splashed with freckles on her cheeks and nose. However, at the time, Sirius was wondering whether or not to gloat or sympathize. He chose neither.

            "So, I'm right," he said tossing a chip into his mouth and propping his legs up on the chair across from him. "Just tell Greg so long, and go after who you really want."

            "You make it sound easy!" she yelled, throwing a chip at him.

            "You are the one making this difficult. Personally, if you'd like to know what I think…"

            "No one cares what you think Siri!" Lily interrupted, laughing.

            "As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted, Evans! Was that, having my two best friends date would be fun."

            "Fun?" Lily laughed with resentment. " You think the pain I'm feeling right now is fun?!"

            "Oh..well no…but you know, dating and everything."

            "You're an idiot…and absolutely NO help! I'm going to go talk to Jenny!" Lily said standing up.

            "That's it…run to Jenny whenever you need some whiny girl pity party." Sirius joked. He knew Lily was the farthest thing from a whiny girl, dramaqueen, however, he enjoyed the way her eyes sparkled when she was near killing him.

            "If I wasn't so incredibly poised, I'd kill you right now." She smiled, and walked out the door.

            Now here she was sitting a few mere feet from him, but she couldn't do it…not to Greg. They'd been dating for years. This was all James fault anyway! Before he started dating that idiot Katelyn they were best friends. She remembered it clearly. Long, warm nights sitting up in the astrology tower with Sirius, James, and Jenny staring at the clear blue sky, glittered with a few hundred stars, laughing about growing up, and life after Hogwarts. How she had taken those days for granted. The four were quite unseperable, but that all changed whenever Katelyn moved into the picture. She had straight as a line brown hair and warm hazel eyes, she seemed nice enough, but after one night hanging out in the Gryfinndor tower with the four had instantly caused her to forbade James from being so close with "That fire haired girl."

            The bell rang mercifully, and permitted them all to a few minutes in their common rooms before dinner. Lily gathered up her books, still staring at James head, and followed behind him at a distance. Katelyn ran up to him, and wrapped one arm around his waist, looking up at him with glee. She flipped her hair, and snapped her gum before starting in actual conversation with him.

            "You know Lil, you could take her." Sirius said, walking beside Lily laughing.

            "Yeah, I'd put money on you." Jenny said, twisting one of her brown cork screw curls around her finger before releasing it. She sighed as it bounced up to its regular position right below her chin.

            "I am really going to give up on this hair…I wish it was straight, and long…" Jenny laughed, pinching Sirius as her grabbed a strand. "Boing." He laughed, releasing it.

            Lily rolled her eyes. "You know, she isn't that pretty."

            Sirius laughed. "You're right fireball, you are way prettier."

            "Stop mocking me, please allow me to pathetically grovel and show some immaturity by comparing myself to her first. It makes me feel better." Lily laughed as the shrill pitch of Katelyn's giggle pierced her ears.

            "Lil, you know that he still needs you as a friend. The four of us were closer than close, and a friendship like that can't be broken by a girl!" Sirius said.

            "Um..Siri dearest, I think it has." Jenny said pointing at James, in the center of a group of Hufflepuffs.

            "I hate him." Lily mumbled.

            "I hate Hufflepuffs. They're all just a bunch of bumbling idiots.

            "Like for sure!" Lily giggled, flipping her hair, impersonating Katelyn, as they made their way past the huge herd to the common room. 

~~

            The common room greeted them like an old friend. It had the same familiar smell, same crackling fire, now bewitched by Lily to give off cool air since now summer was approaching, and the same faces.

            "I just…well, I didn't realize that I cared for him until I saw him with some one else…and I guess, its not like I want to forget about Greg, I love him to death, we've been together for years, but something about James makes me want to forget every plan I've ever conformed to, break some chains, and fly."

            "That was poetic." Jenny said with a smirk, sipping a cold bottle of butterbeer.

            "Thanks." Lily said. She'd grown up with Jenny enough to know that her sarcasm was really a compliment.

            "Its time for dinner."

            "All you do is eat." Jenny said, hopping on Sirius' back to dinner.

            "I'm not hungry." Lily said, laughing at the pair.

            "Come on Lils!" Sirius said, pinching Jenny's knees fastened around his waist.

            "Ouch! Hey! Stop it!" Jenny yelled, "Lily, you have to eat."

            "Nah, I'm going to get a shower, you know, clear my head a little."

            "No, you have to eat." Sirius demanded.

            "Sirius,  shutup, she'll eat when she's hungry." Jenny winked and the two left as Lily skipped up the steps to her room, walking past the two four poster beds, one her own, and the other Jenny's, to the shower, and turning the large gold knobs until cool water began to flow from the shower head. She locked the door behind her, undressed, and slipped into the shower, allowing the refreshing cool water to drain away all her thoughts. After twenty minutes of thoughtlessness and cool water she prayed for just five more minutes of quiet solitude. Her wish was not fulfilled.

            BAM BAM BAM.

            "Jenny! I'm in the friggin' shower, I'll be right out." Lily said through the large oak door. She was alarmed to hear the door opening. She stuck her head out ready to reprimand Jenny for not respecting her privacy. But, there stood a smirking James Potter, holding a plate of food.

            "James! How did you get in here?! GET OUT!" she yelled, making sure that only her head was visible, as she yelled.

            "Um, do you want me to answer your question or leave?"

            "OUT!"

            "Fine…but could ya hurry up? I need to talk to you."

            "OUT!"

            "Fine…" he laughed.

            Lily almost smiled as she used a quick charm to dry off instantly. She pulled a green tank top over her head and quickly shoved her legs in a pair of soft denim jeans. Her hair was damp, but she never did anything to it anyway, after living with crazy, kinky, long, red hair for seventeen years you learn to just let it turn its course. She opened the door and looked at James sitting innocently on her bed, just as he had done endless nights in their younger years. He still held a plate of food.

            "What was so important that you had to talk to me while I was in the shower?"

            "Lil, you act like we haven't taken a shower together before."

            Lily laughed. She, James, Sirius, and Jenny had gotten into a huge mud battle one warm summer evening after a rainstorm in their sixth year. Afterwords, the boys were forced to shower with the two girls since their showers were full and they all feared a professor finding out about their outing.

            "That was VERY different! We all had on clothes, muddy clothes mind you, and it was four of us..friends." she said, momentarily reminiscing.

            "Okay, I understand the fact that everyone had on clothes, but are you implying that we aren't friends anymore?" James said dejectedly.

            "Hey, you made it that way." Lily said sitting next to him on the huge bed, dangling her feet off the edges.

            "How?"

            "Katelyn."

            "She's not that bad, you should get to know her."

            "I don't want to."

            "Why?"

            "Listen, you know I'm not a drama queen, and I hate pity parties, and girls who whine, so I'll tell you straight."

            "Like you always have?" James interrupted laughing.

            "I feel like I've lost you, and its not just me, even Sirius and Jenny are admitting it."

            James looked at her. "I brought you dinner."

            Lily's heart twisted awkwardly. "Thanks."

            "The four of us always had so much fun together." James said, looking around the room at all the pictures of the four.

            "We did." Lily agreed, "And we ALWAYS got in so much trouble."

            "No Kidding. Remember what happened when Greg found out that the four of us were in the shower?"

            "Oh yeah, he completely lost it." Lily laughed.

            "Eat." James said, pointing to her food. Lily laughed and tore a roll in half, offering part of it to him. He bit into it and then continued.

            "Yeah, he always was jealous of the four of us, never understood why you always were with us." James said, running a hand through his jet black messy hair that made every female at Hogwarts crazy. "He never understood how we all could be so close without dating."

            "I think Jenny and Sirius want to." Lily mused, placing her roll on the plate.

            "Lily..eat for cryin' out loud."

            "I'm not hungry." She smiled, as she pulled her legs up and sat Indian style.

            "So, you missed me?"

            "We all missed you." Lily said laughing, "Not just me."

            "I missed you too."

            Lily raised her eyebrow at him.

            "ALL of you, that is." He said smiling. "I wouldn't want Greg to threaten my life again."

            Lily felt her heart beating a little faster. She desperately wanted to tell him everything – to pretend that nothing had changed. But, in reality, everything had changed – even her feelings for him.

            "He didn't threaten your life, he's not that bad."

            "Sure."

            "James, don't be like that. Greg just doesn't understand why I'm so attached to you guys." Lily explained.

            The sky grew darker, and the two could hear everyone piling into the common room, as the noise grew louder and louder. Lily stood up and sat in the window seat, staring out at the sky. James followed.

            "Isn't it incredible?" they simultaneously said.

            Know all about

            About your reputation

            And how its bound to be a heartbreak situation.

            "Yeah." Lily answered, looking into his gentle brown eyes.

            "Lily?" he said, laughing.

            "Yeah? I mean…yeah?" she said snapping out of her daze.

            But I can't help it

            If I'm helpless everytime that I'm with

            You, now…

            "Lily?"

            "Yeah?"

            "I guess I kinda lied."

            "About what?" she asked, looking back up at the stars.

            "Well, I didn't miss you the way I missed Sirius and Jenny."

            Lily looked at him. He looked scared, happy, and worried.

            You walk in

            And my strength walks out the door

            Say my name

            And I can't fight it anymore

            "What do you mean?"

            "I missed you, in a different way." He stumbled over his words.

             Oh I know, I should go,

            But I need your touch

            Just oh too much.

            "James…that's what I mean."

            "What?"

            "About Katelyn."

            Lovin' you

            Isn't really something I should do

            I shouldn't want to spend my time with you

            I should try to be strong

            But baby you're the right kind of wrong.

            "Well, its that…I miss you..to the point that… I don't know.. I don't understand anything anymore." Lily said satnading up from her seat in exasperation.

            "Lil, I don't understand either."

            "No James, you really don't." she turned, looking at him, praying for a sign.

            It might be a mistake,

            A mistake I'm making.

            But what you're givin'

            I am happy to be taking.

Cause no one's ever made me feel the way I feel when I'm in your arms.

"I had my whole life mapped out, and now, when I see you – with her – with Katelyn, I want to throw it all out the window, and fly."

"Wait, are you saying…that…"

"Listen, Sirius and Jenny already think I'm crazy, so if you are just recognizing my insanity you're a little late." She halfheartedly laughed and joined him by the seat overlooking the lake. The only light was the moonlight, flwoing through the windows like illuminated water.

            They say you're something I should do without

            They don't know what goes on when the night comes out

            Theres no way to explain,

            All the pleasure is worth all the pain

you're the right kind of wrong.

"Lily, its killed me to see you with Greg." James confessed.

"When we were younger, I didn't chase you around the grounds and pull your hair so you'd hate me."

"Even though I did." Lily said laughing.

"I wanted your attention."

Lovin' you

            Isn't really something I should do

            I shouldn't want to spend my time with you

            I should try to be strong

            But baby you're the right kind of wrong.

            "You didn't have to try to get it." Lily paused, looking him in the eye. "It was yours to being with."

            He looked at her, and on a whim and pure instinct pulled her into his arms.

I should try to run

But I just can't seem to

Cause everytime I run

You're the one I run to

Can't do without,

What you do to me

I don't care if I'm into deep

"James?"

"Lily…I'm going to kiss you, but after its over we have to go to the Common Room and pretend nothings happened okay?"

Lily's heart pounded uncertainly.

"Katelyn and Greg are going to be down there waiting for us, but I want you to know…that…"

"James." Lily whispered, putting a finger to his trembling lips. " I don't need excuses."

He softly pulled her closer, and her hand gently rested on his cheek, cool from the breeze, dancing around them in the cascading moonlight. He pulled her so close to him that she felt his very heartbeat and nothing mattered anymore, all her logic – all her practicality – all her intelligence – all her plans – instantly, out the window when his lips met hers. She could concentrate only on his gentle kiss, more meaningful than anything she'd ever felt before, more loving than any touch, more memorable than any girlhood puppy love.

Seconds turned to minutes, of soft, innocent kisses, then more urgent, loving kisses. When they finally parted, James looked into Lily's eyes, sparkling in the moonlight, then he allowed his eyes to take in her entire face, the splashed freckles, the brilliant smile, and her incredible fiery hair twisting around her face in orange and red strips of fire. She looked at him.

"I felt that." She said, smiling.

"I did too."

"James?" she whispered, "I never felt that with Greg."

"Katelyn is just a pretty face."

"Can we change things?"  Lily asked.

"Do you want to?" James asked.

"Well, …….."

The silence was so thick, Lily had trouble breathing.

"I guess not. I mean, we can't change things can we?" she asked.

"I don't want to hurt Katelyn."

"I don't want to leave Greg."

"Why?" they both asked at the same time.

"Katelyn, needs me."

"Everthing is so certain with Greg."

Lily reacted on impulse, and kissed both his cheeks gently – he could feel her love burning on his face even after she stood up and looked at him.

"If nothing else is certain Lily…" he paused. "Just know that I've never needed to hold someone, or kiss someone, or love someone, the way I do you." He kissed her gently one last time, and with her arms around his neck, and his cheek resting on hers as they held one another, everything made sense, in a crazy desperate way, the world was right.

"Off to face the party?" James said.

"Sure." Lily smiled, squeezing his hand gently once before they opened the door and parted down the stairs, James finding Katelyn – and Lily finding Greg. However, the moment they left behind them in the glittering moonlight, never left their minds, or their hearts.

Authors Notes…Well? Maybe I'll make it a series…but wow…I feel better now. I had to get that off my heart. Ah, the heart is such a secretive thing, holding passions that no one will ever know, no matter how much you desire to tell them. Please, review. Always – Aly