Authors Notes: Loving someone at the wrong time could easily be the most painful experience to the human heart. But, regardless of what other people wish for you, somedays you must go against everything you've ever know, to gain everything you've ever wanted.

                        Always,

                                    Aly

Everything I've ever Known

"We have to stop meeting like this." Lily laughed, as she sat next to James in the Astrology Tower, their legs dangling out the open, floor to ceiling window. His hand found her own as they gazed out at the distant sunset, the brazen red cutting the horizon in half, and the warm orange taking an almost merciful light on the world below. 

"Its incredible." Lily said, squeezing James' hand tighter.

He did not reply, but took in a slow, deep breath that said it all for him.

"We really do have to stop this." she said, pulling her gaze from the sunset to his eyes, which were equally humbling.

"We aren't hurting anyone."

"They will be hurt when they find out."

"Lily, you worry too much."

"Can I help it that I happen to be attracted to egotistical guys who always like more than one female at a time?"

"Are you insinuating something?"  he laughed.

"Me?" she said, with overdisplayed shock. "Never."

He kissed her quickly on the cheek, and allowed one arm to lay across her shoulders.

"So…you're going to meet me here tomorrow, right?" he said laughing.

"You're such a pig." She mumbled, "one of these days we are going to have to come clean. I don't want to either, but I can't stand being away from you, and I can't stand lying about how I feel." She smiled, looking up into his eyes.

He rose to his feet,  a slight grin playing across his lips, as he offered her his hand to help her up.

Lily got to her feet, but did not stop persisting in his response. "Well?"

He looked into her eyes for a few breathless moments, until she felt her heart beating heavy against her chest. James' hand rested gently on the back of her head, and he slowly pulled her closer, all the while, Lily's heart near explosion.

His lips meet her own, and suddenly, she needed no response. Lily forgot all her common sense, all her opinions, all her independence, and all her cares. All that she could feel, touch, and think was him. The picture grew blurry on the edges until all she could focus on was the way it felt to be close to him. The way her heart beat unsteadily - the way she loved him.

When the kiss ended, neither felt the need to say anything, and for a few blissful moments, they just stood together, the wind now gently lifting Lily's flaming hair from its resting place on her shoulders, as it whispered in across the crystal navy sky.

"Why must you do that?" Lily laughed, breaking the silence.

"do what?"

"Don't play stupid with me James Potter." She said pinching his arm.

"What?!" he laughed.

"Whenever you don't want to answer a hard question you kiss me, then I can't think and I forget." She answered.

"You didn't forget this time." he said, grinning.

"It was a bad kiss." Lily replied with a smirk.

"Hey!" he laughed. "Low blow."

  "Oh please, like that comment could possibly deter your ego, Potter?"

"Does anything have to change?" he said seriously.

"Well, no…I guess not."

"But, I still feel for Katelyn, and I know that you will never not love Greg."

"Yes but, can we sacrifice our feelings, out of fear of hurting others?" she asked.

"Lily?"

She blinked with her large eyes in response.

"Lets give this awhile."

"I have a big History of Magic test in the morning. I have to go." She said expressionless.

"I don't want to hurt you."

"I know that." She said with a weak smile, and she turned to leave him standing alone in the dark tower, with nothing but the taunting stars for company. He stood in solitude for minutes after she had left. Thinking - praying - Hoping, that somehow, love would find a way.

Lily found herself living off that kiss for days. Some days, she bumped into James in the enormous, spacious hallways, but they both diverted their gazes. Some days, they met early before anyone else in the Gryfinndor Common Room was stirring, and without speaking, they would sit next to one another on the large overstuffed maroon sofa's, just thankful to be close to the other. Some days passed too quickly, and some days dragged on.

            She found herself thinking about it during her History of Magic class, which she had with the Slytherins, who could quite easily make hell on earth a reality. In her seven years at Hogwarts, she had learned who she could tolerate, and who she could not. One of those on her 'could not' list was Marissa Parkinson, quite easily the most sought after female at Hogwarts. She was the stereotypical mold of a goddess, complete with chin length bobbed, blonde hair,  sparkling blue-purple eyes, and a body that everyone wanted but very few had. She was not only a huge threat to Lily in the male department, but also a very good student, who prided herself on being able to shut Lily down. As if all these facts were not enough, she was a Slytherin, complete with all the traits that go with it. Her shrewd, cunning nature saved her many a day from those who otherwise were impossible, and currently, she was dramatically leaning on  James shoulder.

            Lily felt her blood run cold.

            "This is insane." She angrily whispered to Sirius, seated next to her.

            "I know, I hate Slytherins."

            "Don't we all?"

            "There's one in every family." He replied, yawning.

            Lily wished nothing more than to walk up to James, wrap her arms about him, and kiss him like she had so many evenings before. Yet, she could not, she was stuck to her unrelenting chair, forced to suppress all her feelings that were bubbling up within her.

            As the bell rang, Lily's eyes followed James all the way out of the door, and into the hall where Katelyn and Marissa stood exchanging death glances. Lily laughed as she walked past him, and grabbed his index finger and squeezed it once then continued on to the common room. It seemed as if that was all they had shared in the past few days. Just little glances, second long hand holding, and tiny pecks on the cheek between classes.

            Yet, it was these things that carried her throughout her day. His face, shining down at her as she sat miserably at a table in the library trying to understand the most recent transfigurations lesson. The way his arms found a perfect place around her waist, when she had had a hard day. All these things made them ….. "Them"

            Yet, fairy tales do not exist, at least, not to those who are realistic. Lily bitterly closed her eyes as she made her way to her next class, Sirius and Jenny at their usual places by her side. She had grown so accustomed to their presence, life after Hogwarts seemed unfathomable. Therefore, she just refused to think about it.

           
            "I hate Trelawny." Sirius mumbled, waving his hands about his face, in a futile attempt to divert the purplish haze that was floating around the room, from his face.

            "I hate this class." Lily whispered behind him, taking her regular seat with Sirius, Jenny, and Patrick, a quiet boy from Hufflepuff with no real confidence to back up his intelligence. Lily smiled warmly at him before pulling her hair up, in another futile attempt to save herself from the smothering heat within the confined area. The professor spun around random tables with an excited horrified look. As she approached their table, Jenny stifled a laugh - unsuccessfully.

            "Watch out Lil, here comes your omen of death." Jenny laughed, pinching her side.

            "I feel a penetrating darkness coming from your area Lillian Evans." Trelawny  whispered airily.

            "You can call em." Lily whispered to Jenny as Sirius passed her a galleon under the table.

            "You know it." Jenny smirked. "I said three galleons Sirius, not one. Cough it up!"

            He sighed dramatically and handed her two more. "Here it comes." He laughed.

            "I have a feeling that you will soon make a decision that will cause a sudden death, followed by a shriek of pain from one who knows you best." Lily smirked and looked over at Jenny.

            "Hey, I'm gonna shriek If this class doesn't end soon." Jenny said bitterly.

            Lily closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep for the remainder of the class. Her head felt heavy, full of thoughts, full of dreams, and full of nightmares.

(Dream Sequence)

            "Yes Master, it shall be done." A shadowed figure commented.

            The dream was taking on a vivid, realistic, energy, and she felt the heat of the blazing fire on her face. The room she found herself in was completely cold, dull, gray stone, the only furniture in the room was a worn down red armchair with large oak legs. In its finer days, Lily was sure the color had been brilliant and welcoming, but through the years it had just become a faded, menacing looking chair. There were two large windows on either side of the cold room, but the only view offered from them were dark leafy green trees, and clouded gray skies, that seemed to carry with them a feeling of ominous dread in its presence. The chair sat facing a glowing fire, with no wood in its hearth, heated by the chilling evil in the evil.

            Lily craned her neck to get a closer view of whatever was seated at that chair, but the shaded figure beside her spoke up again.

            "Will I get her soon My lord?"

            "Yesss." The voice was hallow, yet rich, and malicious.

            "And her name?"

            "Evansss….Lily, Evansss."

            Lily felt burning cold rise up from the ground. As she turned to look at who was standing beside her she woke up.

            "Lils!" Jenny's voice pierced through the cloud of attention when one is not asleep, yet not awake.

            "I'm here, I'm here." she replied.

            "Comeon, class is over."

            "You look real pale Lily." Sirius commented. "Nightmares?"

            "Even worse," Lily spoke quietly. "Reality."

_____

            After a very long day, filled with bickering students, teachers with foul moods, and endless homework Lily had entered into her dormitory without eating dinner or meeting with Jenny and Sirius. Instead she laid face down on her bed and closed her eyes, wistfully. Soon enough, Hedwig, a baby snow owl, given to her by Sirius years earlier fluttered in and dropped a thick letter on her back, waking her with a start.

            Dear Lillian,

                        As you know, as your concerned Mother it is my responsibility to discuss with you matters at hand, that will undoubtedly effect you later on in life. Greg has written to me several times this past week, informing me on your changing moods, and how you seem to be floating farther and farther away from him. He's concerned, Lillian. He fears loosing you, and he asked me to write to you, to see if there was anything he could do to change your mind about him.

            I do hope that you realize how very important it is for you to stay in a nice, stable relationship at times like these, daughter. Life is not easy, you know that, trust me, ever since we lost your father to Voldemort, times have been very hard for us Evans. And trust me darling, I know best. Greg is just perfect for you, he holds the key to any door that you wish to open, and I've always told  you to follow your dreams. However, don't get crazy now. The Windmiere's have always shown you love, and kindness, and turning away from Greg just months before graduation would surely let them down. Goodness knows, we must keep up the family name.

            You have always had a wild imagination, Lillian. From the time you were younger, until now, you have always wanted more of this world, you've always wanted to take a deep breath and be everything you can be, and I believe you can do it, but please…do not forget about Greg. You make rash decisions, and more commonly, you let your heart complete the decision making. Don't be foolish, you always were a little flighty, just stay with Greg. And, even though I hate to say this…I feel I have no choice. If you do not repair problems with Greg, you can just as soon pretend that I am not your mother. I  have never asked much of you, but now I ask only one thing. Do the right thing.

                                                                                    Your loving Mother

            Lily felt tears pouring from her eyes, bitter, hot, stinging tears, that were out of anger, confusion, and solitude. Her heart screamed James, but her mind demanded that she stay with Greg. For the sake of everything she had ever know…all her life she had tried to live up to her Mothers expectations, she had tried with everything in her to be the perfect child, but it mattered little now. There was no hope.

Catch your breath,

hit the wall.

Scream out loud,

as you start to crawl.

Back in your cage,

the only place.

Where they will

leave you alone.

            James entered the room slowly, and shut the door behind him without any noise. He immediately spotted Lily seated at the edge of her bed, head in her hands, weeping silently. Several tears, sparkled in the moonlight, before crashing to the floor. He walked over to her, and took her into his arms. She wept.

            " I know I'm doing the wrong thing. I'm hurting everyone, and myself."

            "You are doing nothing wrong. You cannot control the way you feel."

            "They made this relationship for me. She said he was good for me, settled, balanced, and a life mapped out before him, and I never questioned it…until you." she said looking up into his warm eyes.

Cause the weak will seek the weak,

until they've broken them.

Could you get it back again?

Would it be the same?

Fulfillment for their lack of strength at your expense

Left you with no defense?

They tore it down.

            "Lily," he whispered quietly, kneeling at her feet, still equaling her height. He placed his hands on either side of her face.

            She looked up at him in response, a tear fell from one of her eyes and danced down his fingertips.

            "I will not force you into any decision. I just want you to be happy. Because, I know I can do that. I can make you laugh, make you smile." He said softly.

And I have felt the same,

as you, I have felt the same.

            "I don't know what to do James. I don't want to hurt him, its not his fault I'm being forced into the future when I'm only seventeen." She whispered.

            "What do you mean?" he asked.

            "She wants me to marry him. She thinks he's secure, and stable, and she told me that I was flighty, and I needed stability in my life." she laughed bitterly.

A lot of times I'm,

the only place,

where you feel sheltered

where you feel safe.

You lost yourself,

in your search to find.

Something else, to hide behind.

            "I just want you to be happy. Even if its not with me." he answered.

            "I'm not happy without you!" she cried. "Even if I stay with him and agree to their methods of conformity it will still not fix this. I'll always be thinking of you, missing you, wishing you were there. I can't live that way."

            "I know. Neither could I." He said, taking his hands from her face and holding her own.

            "What do you mean?"

            "I let Katelyn, go." He mumbled, looking away. She grabbed his chin lightly in her own hand, and forced him to face her. " It wasn't fair to her, everytime I looked at her, I thought of you."

And I have felt the same, as you…

I have felt the same.

            "James, I don't want to be a bride. I don't want to live a lie. I don't want to pretend to love someone to appease someone else."

            He looked into her eyes. "What are we going to do?"

Cause the fear will also prey upon your confidence,

did you see the consequence?

They pushed you around.

They try to build kingdoms made of the different ones

breaking them till they become,

just another Crown.

            "I don't know. I care for him, but not the way I care for you. He's become a vulture, always looking over my shoulder, not allowing me to spend time with Jenny, and exploding into sudden fury whenever I'm with Sirius, or you. I'm not Lily anymore. I'm just an empty shell, following around this bird of prey that seals my future will a promising good name, and stability, but will never allow me, my independence, or my freedom." She whispered. 

            "Lily." He started.

            "No." she said, decidedly.  "I cannot hurt you, you are too good to be hurt by me. You have that loving heart, James. Don't let me turn you cold and bitter."

            "Lily, wait."

            "No. Leave."

            "But…"

            "Leave James. I will not hurt you." she whispered, turning her face from him.

Refuse to feel

anything at all

Refuse to slip

refuse to fall

can't be weak

can't stand still

watch your back

cause no one will.

            "Lily, before I go you have to hear just one thing." He said, standing up and placing one hand on her cheek. 

            "Don't go throwing your own happiness away to save me. I will abide by anything you decide, but if you think that living a lie is going to solve anything, you are wrong. By any and all means, you are wrong. I don't want to loose you, but I can't force you to feel for  me, and I won't try." He leaned down, and kissed her cheek softly. Her entire body ached, and she wanted nothing more than to reach out for him as he turned to the door to leave.

Don't believe the lies that they have told to you

not one word was true.

You're alright

You're alright

You are right.

            "James." she whispered after her had left. "You're all I've ever wanted, I just don't know how to get there."

Authors Notes: Love is a friendship, set on fire.