Notes: Buahaha!  Chapter 3!  And they said I was crazy!  Buahaha!  Buahaha!  …O.o;

SM 1/20/32 BBY

                Remind me never to visit Naboo again.

Furthermore, remind me never to let my Master near the natives.  But I'm getting ahead of myself.  As if this mission couldn't get worse!  At least the barge I'm currently on doesn't stink.  Actually, it's unfair to call her a barge.  She's a Naboo Royal Transport, a Nubian specifically.  The Naboo people certainly have an artistic sense of shipbuilding.  Their fighters (N-1's) are wonderful-looking ships.

                I suppose I ought to tell you about my day.  We landed in one of Naboo's rainforests, much to the displeasure of the native creatures there.  The Federation transports could wake the dead (or Master Windu from a dead sleep).  I cut my way out through the bottom of the ship and planned to leap down gracefully, but only succeeded in falling flat on my arse.  Luckily, there were no ladies around to laugh.  I ran off into the forest, chased by a load of druids, but I easily outpaced them.  It was like death hide-and-seek.

                Eventually I met up with my Master.  Somehow he'd managed to save a local's life, and the brain-dead thing was following him around like a leech.  The thing (named Jar-Jar Binks) speaks in a most annoying fashion.  I should have just pounded him to keep him from following us, but Master said he could help us.  So I played along in getting him to take us to his city.  The stupid thing nearly brained me with his great clumsy ear.

                So we traipsed through the woods some more, knee-deep in much and ferns.  The annoying Gungan never shut up.  It was always "Thisaway!" or "Come on boyos!"  I swear, much longer of this and I'll go crazy and disobey council doctrine by murdering both my Master and the Gungan.  My Master's gone too far in his bizarre penchant for pathetic lifeforms.  I could deal with Ssi Trimba and ll those other nutty creatures, but this Gungan is too much.  He's in the back now, talking to himself.  I had to lock my door and claim fatigue to keep him from harassing me.

                He took us to his city, Oto Gunga.  Apparently he was banished a while ago because of clumsiness.  I would have banished him for sheer annoyance myself.  Then again, his boss wasn't much better.  Boss Nass really needs to go to Weight Watchers or something.  He looks like a Hutt!  I let my Master do the talking.  That sneaky git mind-tricked the boss into giving us a Bongo – underwater craft – to get to Theed.  I guess the Gungans and the Naboo really don't get along, because the boss really wasn't too keen on helping us save them.  So we got the Bongo and were leaving when Master went and shot off his big mouth, rescuing Jar-Jar.  Why me?  I had to drive the Bongo with that great lug up front with me, squealing like a stepped-on hawkbat whenever we faced a minor obstacle.  The creature has no faith at all.  He complained ceaselessly while I fixed the Bongo (guys who can fix things are apparently very sexy to the ladies).  Even when we saved his arse, he still complained.

                We managed to get to Theed all right after many illustrations of my Master's favorite quote, "There's always a bigger fish".  Sometimes I have to wonder what, exactly, that means.  Isn't there eventually going to be a bigger fish?  And sometimes smaller fish are even meaner (take the piranha for example.  A shoal of piranha can skelatenize a tauntaun in five minutes).  Why is Master so fixated on fish?  Does it have anything to do with the fact that his lover, Aquel Faemir, is a Naboo native (which might also explain our wacky mission here)?  Furthermore, if Master has a lover, why the hell can't I?

                Pardon the digression.  It's been a long week.  So, we got into Theed and fought through the droids to the palace.  Well, close to it anyway.  After a very cool ambush from a bridge we rescued the Queen of Naboo (more on her later) and her troupe of handmaidens.  We also managed to sneak them all into a ship hanger, where I dashingly freed the imprisoned pilots.  We escaped on a sleek Nubian, and at the moment we're on our way to Tatooine.  Here come the bloody stats again…

Name: Tatooine

Size: Large

Ecosystem: Desert

Sentient Inhabitants: Mixed

 Government: Criminal

Capital: None

                Tatooine must be one of the worst vacation spots in the galaxy.  It's hot, dusty, ugly, and ruled by Hutt crimelords.  Through I must say if you wanted to hide, this is a good place to do it.  You could find an out-of-the-way moisture farm to seek sanctuary, but even in the Spaceports it's hard to find anything.  I'd say the Trade Federation has its hands full trying to find us here.  But personally I'd rather face risk of death than spend any time here.

                Why are we hiding on Tatooine?  While charging through the Federation blockade we blew out hyperdrive.  Of course, I'm the only one who can fix it, but it was too far gone to salvage.  I really hope someone on Tatooine has a Nubian hyperdrive core, or we're screwed.

                Speaking of, I think one of the Queen's handmaidens was putting the moves on me.  Apparently she doesn't know the code.  Either that or she was completely overwhelmed by my looks and charm.  However, I resisted her advances and the talk turned to more normal subjects.  Her name was Sabé, and she was the eldest of the handmaidens.  She served the former Queen, and when the reigns were passed to this new one, she switched her loyalties.  The Queen needed at least one experienced handmaiden, especially at only 14 years old.

                The queen herself really isn't too spectacular, to tell the truth.  She seems very stiff and formal, always garbed in ridiculous headgear.  I wonder how many birds died to grace her head?  She must have the strongest neck muscles in history.  I think even I would collapse and die under that lot.  And everyone colling her 'your highness' and 'm'lady', it's getting so formal in here that I feel like I'm at a Council inquisition or a knighting ceremony.  I'd always heard that Queen Amidala was a fiery spirit, but to me she seems rather dull.  Maybe it's just stress or something.

                The handmaidens all seem just as dull, except for one.  Her name is Padmé, and she looks eerily like the Queen.  She seems very mature for her age and has quite a bit of political knowledge and know-how.  I bet the Queen relies on Padmé for a lot of decisions.  Of course, I'm politically challenges, so I don't know how all this works.  I could probably get Padmé to teach me – she's taken to me quite strongly.  I think she trusts me.  She doesn't seem to like Master as much, but then again he's been a bit snappish with the Queen.  She doesn't seem to understand the gravity of the situation.  Then again, neither does Padmé.  She was complaining about Master to me, and we had a bit of a rant session.

                I think I've made a friend in Padmé.  We sort of understand each other, which is odd since we only just met.  I have an odd feeling about her… and I think I may be especially enamored with her personality.  She seems so much older than 14 to me…