Dear Remus
Saying goodbye must surely be the hardest thing in the world for you, and words seem like such little things compared to all the hurt your feeling. But still I hope that it will bring you some comfort if I say my condolences are with you and anything I can do to ease the pain do not hesitate to tell me.
Thinking of you
Remaneo Loquor
Dear Remaneo
To answer the question of how Sirius died is painfully simple, but to answer why he died is impossible as the answer lies within him.
Yet this is what I have been asking myself since it happened. Torturing myself over it, because I never will, never can, truly understand the reason why.
At first I blamed Harry. My two closest friends murdered to save him. I was angry that there should be so much sacrifice and suffering just so he could live. I was jealous that he still had friends who would die for him, and I was left with one that if I set eyes on again I would be physically sick with hatred. I didn't have my friends because they loved him enough to die for him.
Then I realised how cruel I was being. Harry had not wanted his loved ones to die for him. He did not ask to have them killed. It was his fate, not his choice.
No. I could not bring myself to blame Harry when it was clear who killed Sirius. If it is a matter of blame, I killed Sirius. I should have ensured Sirius did not come with us, even if it meant he never spoke to me again, at least he would have been safe then. But I did what I always have done- I gave in to avoid an argument. I will have to live with that for the rest of my life.
You are not the first, and I doubt you will be the last to send your condolences, yet your letter seemed to need to be replied to and I trust that you will not repeat to anyone what I say in this reply. Your offer to help ease the pain that I am feeling was extremely kind, but I fear the pain that I feel cannot be healed by anyone other than Sirius. I therefore cannot be without pain.
My world crashed down around me when James died, and I lived without grieving and without repairing my world for so long until I discovered that Sirius was innocent. Sirius then began to rebuild my world and my life seemed to become bearable again. This time though, the pieces of my world that lay shattered on the ground seem to pierce the depths of my soul like daggers. I fear that these cuts are too deep to mend of time, and the only people who stood a chance of saving my soul are the very people whose deaths caused the cuts. So I can never be healed and I live in pain.
Pain is the price that is put upon all things
Remus Lupin
Saying goodbye must surely be the hardest thing in the world for you, and words seem like such little things compared to all the hurt your feeling. But still I hope that it will bring you some comfort if I say my condolences are with you and anything I can do to ease the pain do not hesitate to tell me.
Thinking of you
Remaneo Loquor
Dear Remaneo
To answer the question of how Sirius died is painfully simple, but to answer why he died is impossible as the answer lies within him.
Yet this is what I have been asking myself since it happened. Torturing myself over it, because I never will, never can, truly understand the reason why.
At first I blamed Harry. My two closest friends murdered to save him. I was angry that there should be so much sacrifice and suffering just so he could live. I was jealous that he still had friends who would die for him, and I was left with one that if I set eyes on again I would be physically sick with hatred. I didn't have my friends because they loved him enough to die for him.
Then I realised how cruel I was being. Harry had not wanted his loved ones to die for him. He did not ask to have them killed. It was his fate, not his choice.
No. I could not bring myself to blame Harry when it was clear who killed Sirius. If it is a matter of blame, I killed Sirius. I should have ensured Sirius did not come with us, even if it meant he never spoke to me again, at least he would have been safe then. But I did what I always have done- I gave in to avoid an argument. I will have to live with that for the rest of my life.
You are not the first, and I doubt you will be the last to send your condolences, yet your letter seemed to need to be replied to and I trust that you will not repeat to anyone what I say in this reply. Your offer to help ease the pain that I am feeling was extremely kind, but I fear the pain that I feel cannot be healed by anyone other than Sirius. I therefore cannot be without pain.
My world crashed down around me when James died, and I lived without grieving and without repairing my world for so long until I discovered that Sirius was innocent. Sirius then began to rebuild my world and my life seemed to become bearable again. This time though, the pieces of my world that lay shattered on the ground seem to pierce the depths of my soul like daggers. I fear that these cuts are too deep to mend of time, and the only people who stood a chance of saving my soul are the very people whose deaths caused the cuts. So I can never be healed and I live in pain.
Pain is the price that is put upon all things
Remus Lupin
