I try to breathe
Memories overtaking me
I try to face them but
The thought is too much to conceive
Staind "Fade"
Remembrance
When consciousness returned to Celebruthiel, the daylight had waned and the stars were twinkling overhead. She found herself in her childhood bed, with her mother sitting anxiously by her side. As her eyes fluttered open, her mother called out and within seconds, Celeborn ran into the room. As her eyes focused on her surroundings, Celeborn sat on the edge of her bed and took her hand in his.
"What happened?" Celebruthiel asked. She was bombarded with visions of Celeborn, Galadriel, Celebrian, Elrond, Mithrandir, Legolas, and Haldir, little time capsules of events, and her mind was still trying to grasp the real from the ficteous. She had so many memories swimming around her head, she wasn't quite certain what were genuine.
"Without consulting your mother or myself, Mithrandir lifted the forgetting spell," Celeborn responded irritably. His resentment towards the Wizard, which had been buried deep in his heart, burst forth with just those few spoken words. When Mirriel had fallen into his arms, he'd been terrified he was about to loose her again. And he thought Mithrandir was lucky he had immediately flown away because otherwise he would now be residing in Galadrim's dungeon.
Celebruthiel nodded, having vague recollections of Mithrandir as the cobwebs began to clear. "How did I get here?" she asked, looking around her room curiously. As she did so, she noticed many items that were now familiar. She could now recall that her father had given her the round silver music box on her last birthday before she'd been taken to Rivendell. On her dresser setting on the jewelry tray, was a silver and gold pendant, a betrothal gift from Haldir. Her first bow was propped in a corner, a present from Rumil after she'd shot down her first fowl. And under the window stood a bookcase overflowing with books from her mother, who had understood her thirst for knowledge of the world outside Lorien.
"You mind could not handle remembering all at once. You fainted," Galadriel murmured as she leaned over her daughter, probing with her gaze for signs of distress in Mirriel's face. Galadriel was concerned the memories would be too overwhelming for Mirriel to face. She understood the reasoning behind Mithrandir's actions. But understanding did not assuage the fear when she'd realized Mithrandir's plans. Had it been anyone else, she would have agreed to the wisdom of the Wizard's decision. But she was a mother first and the longer Mirriel had been unconscious, the more frightened she had become. "That was three days ago."
Celebruthiel looked from her mother to her father in stunned silence. She could not believe she had been unconscious for three days. It seemed as if just moments before she had been saying goodbye to Mithrandir. Celebruthiel squeezed her father's hand as Galadriel reached across the bed, grasping her other hand. While the memories were still difficult to sort out, the feelings were not. Since returning to Lorien, she'd known Galadriel and Celeborn were her parents. They loved her and she cared for them. But in her heart Elrond and Imladris had been her true home. Suddenly Celebruthiel looked at her parents and her heart truly remembered them. She felt an all-encompassing sense of love that she had not encountered since Legolas' departure. And she knew she was home.
"How do you feel?" Celeborn asked as he touched Mirriel's cheek. She felt cool to the touch and since Galadriel had reclined back in her chair, seemingly relieved over what she had seen, he began to relax.
"I remember my life," Mirriel said in wonder as she began calling her life with crystal clarity. "I was so happy on our island. I used to pretend it was my own little paradise where I was Queen over all. Celebrian used to get so angry because I would ruin the hems of her gowns when I used to play in them." Mirriel laughed as she envisioned Celebrian standing over her, shaking a finger at her as she lectured her little sister.
Galadriel smiled in amusement at the circumstances, which at the time had frustrated her beyond belief with seemingly no solution. There had been no end in sight to the endless bickering between her two daughters over trivial items, such as replaceable clothing. "Yes, one time you put on her favorite gown, climbed up a tree, and stated to all the other younger Elves that they could now pay homage to their Queen. If you father had not stepped between you and Celebrian, who knows what would have occurred?"
Mirriel looked over at her mother, a big smiled playing on her face. "Yes, I thought she was going to really hurt me that day. I had never seen her so angry before."
Galadriel nodded, having thought the same thing. And one would think after that day, Mirriel would have calmed down. But no, she continued to be a little minx. Though after that day, she did stay away from Celebrian's clothing. She just found other ways to continue to annoy her big sister. And that behavior continued until Celebrian was taken captive. After she returned, there was a remarkable difference in their relationship.
"I do not think I wanted to leave. I felt something bad was going to occur." Mirriel paused, looking at Celeborn. "But you convinced me of the adventure involved."
Celeborn nodded, reliving how he had held his baby girl in his arms, trying to reassure her that the nightmares were not premonitions. He released Mirriel's hand as he scooted closer to her on the bed, draping his arm around her shoulders. He felt as if his little girl was returning to him only to relive the same fate.
A small smile spread across Mirriel's lips. "And it was a grand adventure, taking the boats across the Bay." She paused again as another memory assailed her. "I fell in, did I not?"
Galadriel laughed. "Yes, you saw a Anthias swimming and leaned too far over the edge of the boat. You swallowed a great deal of water, but no harm occurred."
"Yes, I wanted to go swimming with the fish. If only I had been able to swim," she said with a giggle. "I loved the expedition to Lorien, to see so much of the landscape. And Lorien, it took my breath away. I had never realized how vast the land was on the other side of the Bay. The mountains, the fields, the rivers, it was exciting to glance upon each new part for the first time."
Galadriel smiled at the wistfulness in Mirriel's voice. Galadriel had felt the same way when she had first stepped foot on Middle Earth. The rugged beauty of the land filled one with possibility.
Mirriel's eyes shuttered as she remembered why she had been afraid to leave Balfalas. "And then the nightmare became reality," she whispered.
"Yes, Celebrian was taken prisoner," Galadriel stated softly for the memory still pained her. "When you did not return, your father sent out three search parties. Haldir is the one that found the evidence of Orcs and Celebrian's capture. He refused to return to Galadrim until he found you. It took him an entire night but he returned to next morning with you in his arms."
"Yes, when I heard him approaching, I was so frightened, my mind did not register the difference in footsteps, in his lack of stench," Mirriel murmured, her mind quickly skimming over those events. She had already remembered more of that time than she wanted. She was not ready to let that day fully intrude into her consciousness- not yet. "When he appeared above me, it was like a bright light shining in the darkness. I thought he was my savior. My own warrior. Poor Haldir. I would not let him be after that day. I thought because he had saved me, he was mine."
"It took some convincing on my part for him to believe that also. He always believed you should marry a Prince," Celeborn murmured. Mirriel laid her head on her father's shoulder.
"It is okay, Papa," she whispered, remembering what she called him as a child. "Things worked out for the best, truly."
"I know that," he replied softly as he kissed the top of her head. "I just wish Haldir was as content as you are my dear."
"He is content," Mirriel assured softly. "If things had worked out as you originally wished, Haldir would have been forced to stay closer to home. He would not have been happy living like that. He loves the position you have given him in the Guard and the freedom he has to roam."
Celeborn smiled into his daughter's hair, knowing she was correct in her assessment of Haldir. He would rather stay out guarding the woods then return to the City. The night sky called to him.
"I now see why Mithrandir did not return my memory before leaving Rivendell. I had barely enough time to say goodbye to Elrond. But I would not have been the least bit worried about returning home if I had remembered all these things, had I recalled the love I feel for you and my home," Mirriel whispered as she snuggled closer to her father, letting herself get lost in the protection his embrace offered.
Galadriel let out a small sob as she rose and sat beside Celeborn and Mirriel on the bed. Celeborn interlaced his fingers with his wife as the two formed a barrier of safety around their daughter. Those simple words filled both with such happiness where only minutes before had resided only fear. Their Mirriel had returned to them completely.
Suddenly Mirriel laughed and Celeborn and Galadriel both looked to their daughter, their questionable surprise evident on their faces.
"I just recalled the first time I laid eyes on Mithrandir. It was before he discovered the hat," she explained, a lightness in her teasing tone. She had many times over the years given Mithrandir grief over his hat. "I was in awe of him from the moment I laid eyes upon him. He tried to appear so below himself, so common, but I knew better. And his eyes, they spoke volumes. You can read Mithrandir's soul in his eyes. He truly cares about us all, from the lowliest form of life to the First Born. For Mithrandir, it does not matter who or what you are as long as you are honest and good. I have always respected him for that quality."
The day Mirriel had first been introduced to Mithrandir; he had gotten on his knees and looked directly into her eyes. He seemed to see something in her blue depths, something that confirmed his suspicions. He had taken her stiff form into his embrace, laughing heartily over her resistance and mumbling something about the reservations of Elves. He had the appearance of an old man, using a walking stick to support his weight as if without it a strong wind would blow the frail man over. Only even at such a young age, Mirriel thought something wrong with that appearance. He was obviously just no old man. She wasn't even sure if he was a man, as he was taller than any of that race. Or so Mirriel had guessed, as she'd never actually seen a real honest to goodness man yet. She had only heard about them in books and from some of the older Elves who remembered a time when their Lord and Lady had some contact with the outside world.
Silence permeated the room for what could have been minutes, it could have been hours. The three in the room could not tell. They each sat quietly, lost in their own thoughts. Both Celeborn and Galadriel were startled when Mirriel broke the silence. "I just wish I could forget the day I was told I would be leaving with Celebrian," Mirriel whispered. "Though you tried to hide it, I could tell you did not want me to go. I knew I would not be returning."
Celeborn looked over her head at his wife. Tears glimmered in the eyes off all three of the occupants in the room. Galadriel tore her gaze from Celeborn's before she fell victim to the sadness of that day.
"Yes," Celeborn affirmed huskily. "Your mother and I were fairly certain you knew the truth. But it was better to just pretend it did not exist. So we told you that you were going ahead with your sister to help her get settled into her new home. And while it helped seeing your fondness for Elrond, it also hurt to see the relationship grow before my eyes."
Mirriel felt instant guilt and shut her eyes trying to block out the feeling. She knew the relationship she had with Elrond hurt her father. But she could not deny Elrond, either, for she loved them both. She felt lucky to have had two of the greatest Elves play a role in her developing into the individual she was now.
"I am sorry for that, Papa," she whispered into his tunic, not having the nerve to lift her head and look into her father's eyes. "I know it pains you. But I cannot pretend the many years in Imladris did not occur. I have two fathers and that is something I will never be able to deny."
Celeborn sat still for a moment. It wasn't something he did not know or understand. He was actually thankful Mirriel still acknowledged him at all. She had spent many more years with Elrond filling that role. And while both he and Elrond would like very much to forget one very important fact, neither were really Mirriel's father.
"This I know," he replied softly. "I do not speak these words to upset you or criticize you for your feelings toward Elrond. Yes, I am upset for he had you many years of your past. I can only hope I am allowed many of your future."
"And you will, no matter where I am" Mirriel declared as she finally looked up from her father's chest. "I remember now. That is not something I will let anyone take from me again."
Celeborn smiled, a lightness settling over his heart for the first time in thousands of years. He believed for the first time in a very long time that his family would be okay. He had known since Sauron's return had been confirmed that Galadriel wanted to follow Celebrian West. Celeborn was not certain he was ready to leave Middle Earth. He knew if Sauron gained control, he would have no choice but to flee with his family to safety. But Valinor was not in his heart as it was his wife's. He did not long to return to a home he'd never known.
"I think you should rest, my daughter," Galadriel said softly as she rose from the bed. "The day has been difficult and I do not want you wearing yourself out needlessly."
Mirriel felt Celeborn nod into her hair before he pulled away from her, helping her lay back against the pillows. He tucked the blankets around her shoulders as Galadriel looked on with a tender smile. They had both missed having Mirriel under their roof, having a child to dote on. They stood in the doorway, arms wrapped around each other as they watched their child snuggle into the comforter and close her eyes, a weary sigh escaping her lips. The loving parents glanced at one other, smiling before Galadriel closed the door, leaving Mirriel to her dreams.
****
It was in the middle of the night, during the darkest hour when not a star shone in the sky, that the visions began. A blackened tower stood amid charred dust where green had once covered. Billowing smoke filled the air, rising like steam from the very earth, making it difficult for any creature to breath in such an environment. Mirriel felt as if she was observing the scene from above. As her eyes began to water and her breathing turned laborious, she noticed something out of place in the destruction before her. At the base of the tower, a solitary blade of grass grew.
Mirriel's eyes popped open with a start. She groped around, trying to determine if she was still in her bed, for the vision had been incredibly realistic. The sadness still lingered in her mind. She had recognized the place in her vision, though what it meant, she did not know. And she was not sure she had any desire to.
Memories overtaking me
I try to face them but
The thought is too much to conceive
Staind "Fade"
Remembrance
When consciousness returned to Celebruthiel, the daylight had waned and the stars were twinkling overhead. She found herself in her childhood bed, with her mother sitting anxiously by her side. As her eyes fluttered open, her mother called out and within seconds, Celeborn ran into the room. As her eyes focused on her surroundings, Celeborn sat on the edge of her bed and took her hand in his.
"What happened?" Celebruthiel asked. She was bombarded with visions of Celeborn, Galadriel, Celebrian, Elrond, Mithrandir, Legolas, and Haldir, little time capsules of events, and her mind was still trying to grasp the real from the ficteous. She had so many memories swimming around her head, she wasn't quite certain what were genuine.
"Without consulting your mother or myself, Mithrandir lifted the forgetting spell," Celeborn responded irritably. His resentment towards the Wizard, which had been buried deep in his heart, burst forth with just those few spoken words. When Mirriel had fallen into his arms, he'd been terrified he was about to loose her again. And he thought Mithrandir was lucky he had immediately flown away because otherwise he would now be residing in Galadrim's dungeon.
Celebruthiel nodded, having vague recollections of Mithrandir as the cobwebs began to clear. "How did I get here?" she asked, looking around her room curiously. As she did so, she noticed many items that were now familiar. She could now recall that her father had given her the round silver music box on her last birthday before she'd been taken to Rivendell. On her dresser setting on the jewelry tray, was a silver and gold pendant, a betrothal gift from Haldir. Her first bow was propped in a corner, a present from Rumil after she'd shot down her first fowl. And under the window stood a bookcase overflowing with books from her mother, who had understood her thirst for knowledge of the world outside Lorien.
"You mind could not handle remembering all at once. You fainted," Galadriel murmured as she leaned over her daughter, probing with her gaze for signs of distress in Mirriel's face. Galadriel was concerned the memories would be too overwhelming for Mirriel to face. She understood the reasoning behind Mithrandir's actions. But understanding did not assuage the fear when she'd realized Mithrandir's plans. Had it been anyone else, she would have agreed to the wisdom of the Wizard's decision. But she was a mother first and the longer Mirriel had been unconscious, the more frightened she had become. "That was three days ago."
Celebruthiel looked from her mother to her father in stunned silence. She could not believe she had been unconscious for three days. It seemed as if just moments before she had been saying goodbye to Mithrandir. Celebruthiel squeezed her father's hand as Galadriel reached across the bed, grasping her other hand. While the memories were still difficult to sort out, the feelings were not. Since returning to Lorien, she'd known Galadriel and Celeborn were her parents. They loved her and she cared for them. But in her heart Elrond and Imladris had been her true home. Suddenly Celebruthiel looked at her parents and her heart truly remembered them. She felt an all-encompassing sense of love that she had not encountered since Legolas' departure. And she knew she was home.
"How do you feel?" Celeborn asked as he touched Mirriel's cheek. She felt cool to the touch and since Galadriel had reclined back in her chair, seemingly relieved over what she had seen, he began to relax.
"I remember my life," Mirriel said in wonder as she began calling her life with crystal clarity. "I was so happy on our island. I used to pretend it was my own little paradise where I was Queen over all. Celebrian used to get so angry because I would ruin the hems of her gowns when I used to play in them." Mirriel laughed as she envisioned Celebrian standing over her, shaking a finger at her as she lectured her little sister.
Galadriel smiled in amusement at the circumstances, which at the time had frustrated her beyond belief with seemingly no solution. There had been no end in sight to the endless bickering between her two daughters over trivial items, such as replaceable clothing. "Yes, one time you put on her favorite gown, climbed up a tree, and stated to all the other younger Elves that they could now pay homage to their Queen. If you father had not stepped between you and Celebrian, who knows what would have occurred?"
Mirriel looked over at her mother, a big smiled playing on her face. "Yes, I thought she was going to really hurt me that day. I had never seen her so angry before."
Galadriel nodded, having thought the same thing. And one would think after that day, Mirriel would have calmed down. But no, she continued to be a little minx. Though after that day, she did stay away from Celebrian's clothing. She just found other ways to continue to annoy her big sister. And that behavior continued until Celebrian was taken captive. After she returned, there was a remarkable difference in their relationship.
"I do not think I wanted to leave. I felt something bad was going to occur." Mirriel paused, looking at Celeborn. "But you convinced me of the adventure involved."
Celeborn nodded, reliving how he had held his baby girl in his arms, trying to reassure her that the nightmares were not premonitions. He released Mirriel's hand as he scooted closer to her on the bed, draping his arm around her shoulders. He felt as if his little girl was returning to him only to relive the same fate.
A small smile spread across Mirriel's lips. "And it was a grand adventure, taking the boats across the Bay." She paused again as another memory assailed her. "I fell in, did I not?"
Galadriel laughed. "Yes, you saw a Anthias swimming and leaned too far over the edge of the boat. You swallowed a great deal of water, but no harm occurred."
"Yes, I wanted to go swimming with the fish. If only I had been able to swim," she said with a giggle. "I loved the expedition to Lorien, to see so much of the landscape. And Lorien, it took my breath away. I had never realized how vast the land was on the other side of the Bay. The mountains, the fields, the rivers, it was exciting to glance upon each new part for the first time."
Galadriel smiled at the wistfulness in Mirriel's voice. Galadriel had felt the same way when she had first stepped foot on Middle Earth. The rugged beauty of the land filled one with possibility.
Mirriel's eyes shuttered as she remembered why she had been afraid to leave Balfalas. "And then the nightmare became reality," she whispered.
"Yes, Celebrian was taken prisoner," Galadriel stated softly for the memory still pained her. "When you did not return, your father sent out three search parties. Haldir is the one that found the evidence of Orcs and Celebrian's capture. He refused to return to Galadrim until he found you. It took him an entire night but he returned to next morning with you in his arms."
"Yes, when I heard him approaching, I was so frightened, my mind did not register the difference in footsteps, in his lack of stench," Mirriel murmured, her mind quickly skimming over those events. She had already remembered more of that time than she wanted. She was not ready to let that day fully intrude into her consciousness- not yet. "When he appeared above me, it was like a bright light shining in the darkness. I thought he was my savior. My own warrior. Poor Haldir. I would not let him be after that day. I thought because he had saved me, he was mine."
"It took some convincing on my part for him to believe that also. He always believed you should marry a Prince," Celeborn murmured. Mirriel laid her head on her father's shoulder.
"It is okay, Papa," she whispered, remembering what she called him as a child. "Things worked out for the best, truly."
"I know that," he replied softly as he kissed the top of her head. "I just wish Haldir was as content as you are my dear."
"He is content," Mirriel assured softly. "If things had worked out as you originally wished, Haldir would have been forced to stay closer to home. He would not have been happy living like that. He loves the position you have given him in the Guard and the freedom he has to roam."
Celeborn smiled into his daughter's hair, knowing she was correct in her assessment of Haldir. He would rather stay out guarding the woods then return to the City. The night sky called to him.
"I now see why Mithrandir did not return my memory before leaving Rivendell. I had barely enough time to say goodbye to Elrond. But I would not have been the least bit worried about returning home if I had remembered all these things, had I recalled the love I feel for you and my home," Mirriel whispered as she snuggled closer to her father, letting herself get lost in the protection his embrace offered.
Galadriel let out a small sob as she rose and sat beside Celeborn and Mirriel on the bed. Celeborn interlaced his fingers with his wife as the two formed a barrier of safety around their daughter. Those simple words filled both with such happiness where only minutes before had resided only fear. Their Mirriel had returned to them completely.
Suddenly Mirriel laughed and Celeborn and Galadriel both looked to their daughter, their questionable surprise evident on their faces.
"I just recalled the first time I laid eyes on Mithrandir. It was before he discovered the hat," she explained, a lightness in her teasing tone. She had many times over the years given Mithrandir grief over his hat. "I was in awe of him from the moment I laid eyes upon him. He tried to appear so below himself, so common, but I knew better. And his eyes, they spoke volumes. You can read Mithrandir's soul in his eyes. He truly cares about us all, from the lowliest form of life to the First Born. For Mithrandir, it does not matter who or what you are as long as you are honest and good. I have always respected him for that quality."
The day Mirriel had first been introduced to Mithrandir; he had gotten on his knees and looked directly into her eyes. He seemed to see something in her blue depths, something that confirmed his suspicions. He had taken her stiff form into his embrace, laughing heartily over her resistance and mumbling something about the reservations of Elves. He had the appearance of an old man, using a walking stick to support his weight as if without it a strong wind would blow the frail man over. Only even at such a young age, Mirriel thought something wrong with that appearance. He was obviously just no old man. She wasn't even sure if he was a man, as he was taller than any of that race. Or so Mirriel had guessed, as she'd never actually seen a real honest to goodness man yet. She had only heard about them in books and from some of the older Elves who remembered a time when their Lord and Lady had some contact with the outside world.
Silence permeated the room for what could have been minutes, it could have been hours. The three in the room could not tell. They each sat quietly, lost in their own thoughts. Both Celeborn and Galadriel were startled when Mirriel broke the silence. "I just wish I could forget the day I was told I would be leaving with Celebrian," Mirriel whispered. "Though you tried to hide it, I could tell you did not want me to go. I knew I would not be returning."
Celeborn looked over her head at his wife. Tears glimmered in the eyes off all three of the occupants in the room. Galadriel tore her gaze from Celeborn's before she fell victim to the sadness of that day.
"Yes," Celeborn affirmed huskily. "Your mother and I were fairly certain you knew the truth. But it was better to just pretend it did not exist. So we told you that you were going ahead with your sister to help her get settled into her new home. And while it helped seeing your fondness for Elrond, it also hurt to see the relationship grow before my eyes."
Mirriel felt instant guilt and shut her eyes trying to block out the feeling. She knew the relationship she had with Elrond hurt her father. But she could not deny Elrond, either, for she loved them both. She felt lucky to have had two of the greatest Elves play a role in her developing into the individual she was now.
"I am sorry for that, Papa," she whispered into his tunic, not having the nerve to lift her head and look into her father's eyes. "I know it pains you. But I cannot pretend the many years in Imladris did not occur. I have two fathers and that is something I will never be able to deny."
Celeborn sat still for a moment. It wasn't something he did not know or understand. He was actually thankful Mirriel still acknowledged him at all. She had spent many more years with Elrond filling that role. And while both he and Elrond would like very much to forget one very important fact, neither were really Mirriel's father.
"This I know," he replied softly. "I do not speak these words to upset you or criticize you for your feelings toward Elrond. Yes, I am upset for he had you many years of your past. I can only hope I am allowed many of your future."
"And you will, no matter where I am" Mirriel declared as she finally looked up from her father's chest. "I remember now. That is not something I will let anyone take from me again."
Celeborn smiled, a lightness settling over his heart for the first time in thousands of years. He believed for the first time in a very long time that his family would be okay. He had known since Sauron's return had been confirmed that Galadriel wanted to follow Celebrian West. Celeborn was not certain he was ready to leave Middle Earth. He knew if Sauron gained control, he would have no choice but to flee with his family to safety. But Valinor was not in his heart as it was his wife's. He did not long to return to a home he'd never known.
"I think you should rest, my daughter," Galadriel said softly as she rose from the bed. "The day has been difficult and I do not want you wearing yourself out needlessly."
Mirriel felt Celeborn nod into her hair before he pulled away from her, helping her lay back against the pillows. He tucked the blankets around her shoulders as Galadriel looked on with a tender smile. They had both missed having Mirriel under their roof, having a child to dote on. They stood in the doorway, arms wrapped around each other as they watched their child snuggle into the comforter and close her eyes, a weary sigh escaping her lips. The loving parents glanced at one other, smiling before Galadriel closed the door, leaving Mirriel to her dreams.
****
It was in the middle of the night, during the darkest hour when not a star shone in the sky, that the visions began. A blackened tower stood amid charred dust where green had once covered. Billowing smoke filled the air, rising like steam from the very earth, making it difficult for any creature to breath in such an environment. Mirriel felt as if she was observing the scene from above. As her eyes began to water and her breathing turned laborious, she noticed something out of place in the destruction before her. At the base of the tower, a solitary blade of grass grew.
Mirriel's eyes popped open with a start. She groped around, trying to determine if she was still in her bed, for the vision had been incredibly realistic. The sadness still lingered in her mind. She had recognized the place in her vision, though what it meant, she did not know. And she was not sure she had any desire to.
