Chapter Twenty
Disclaimer: Jander, Khelben, Laeral, and Arilyn belong to WotC. Nire's mine. The song is 'Wonderful' by Everclear. Any disparities between when it's running through her mind and when it actually was released is my fault, since I'm too much of a lazy ass to go check it out. No money is being made off of this folly.
Jander had come to a decision, a realization. He could not do this anymore. He could not take the constant smell of fear that rolled off of Azrael, the wariness with which Raistlin watched him on the few occasions they saw each other. And now this - he could not think of it as anything less than betrayal - from Nire. That was it, all he could take. He had given her his heart in friendship, and she had torn it up and thrown it at his feet.
He was done. This experiment in leading a semi-normal life ended in mass failure. So, he was going to leave, abandon this life.
*You're running away. You're getting scared because they're beginning to mean too much to you, and you're running. *
No he wasn't. He was merely leaving this foolish delusion behind. It was for the best for all of them. There was no running involved. Nire obviously had no need of him, and Azrael had lived on the street for his entire life. He would be fine.
Jander had been spending the past hour trying to make himself cold to the idea, to freeze his heart. Unfortunately, there was still a slight tugging that he couldn't quiet. As much as Nire had hurt him with that frigid phrase, as much as he hated her right now… He could not just disappear, as he planned to, without *seeing* her once more. Not talk to her, he did not want to do that, just see her, and remember the good times.
It was late, very late. She would be sound asleep. She he would stop in quickly, then go grab his perpetually packed bag, and leave. It was a good, sound plan, and it would give him peace.
With that thought, he wiped off his face with his sleeves, not wanting the blood to dry there. Then, he quickly formed a gate to Nire's room with the yank-and-jerk she taught him. A quick glance was all he wanted.
Even in the darkness, he could see that her eyes were red-rimmed and swollen, and dried tears traced salty lines down her cheeks. Why had *she* been crying? He had said nothing to her. Not the way she had done to him. Out of everyone he knew, she was the one he least expected to turn on him. That made her words seem worse, dig deeper.
Nire's sleep was uneasy; she tossed and turned, the darkness in her head swirling in oily pools. Something disturbed what little rest she was getting, a presence in her room. Predictably, her eyes opened, unerringly meeting Jander's. Like a deer in the headlights, he froze, anger and hurt rolling off of him in waves. Nire's cold gray eyes searched his face, and found something there, something she didn't like. As one who got by in life by being able to read people like books, Jander's book was not having a happy ending. She could see that tonight he was leaving forever. But he couldn't do that. She *needed* him, as much as she hated to admit it. She needed a rock to hold onto in the malignant storm of her life.
She was already crying. As a last, desperate measure, she threw herself out of bed and to the floor in front of him, on her knees. She locked her arms around his legs and hid her face in his knees, sobbing. Jander regarded her in shock, fighting not to stumble backwards. If he did, he would fall, her arms were clenched that tightly.
"Please," she begged him. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, I swear. I'm sorry." She kept repeating it over and over, debasing herself, while Jander fought to regain his balance.
"Nire," he finally said. "I'm going to fall if you don't let go of me."
She allowed him to step away from her, the backwards step he needed. Buts he stayed on the floor, looking up at him, tears still streaming down her plump face.
Jander tried to hold his anger, to stay mad. But he just couldn't, not with her looking up at him so miserably. Her tearful face was like the hammer that smashed him abruptly back into reality. Now, he could admit that he had overreacted. She acted so mature, that he forgot that she was only a child, still. That she would say things she didn't mean. Seeing her so miserable and honestly apologetic was all that it took to remind him of that. There was still an ache in his chest from her words, but at least he could forgive her. He knelt down in front of her and hugged her shaking frame.
"Hush, little one. It's okay," he soothed as her arms locked around him. How had he managed to forget his anger so easily? And why couldn't he call it back now?
"No it's not," she sobbed, unable to explain in words. Her touch on his mind was hesitant, asking permission to speak to him that way. And he gladly gave it, as an apology for overreacting so grossly. Plus, she was scaring him, by being this distraught.
A jumble of images, thoughts, and feelings were poured into his mind in a rush, Nire trying to get everything in before he changed his mind and cast her out. It took him a few seconds to sort through everything, make sense of it all, while Nire sat back on her heels, crying silently now. Even as everything sorted itself out, it was still broken pieces, only the pertinent information. He stood up as various things flashed through his mind.
…elation at what she had accomplished, pride, wishing that she could tell him, *he'd be so proud*…
…fear - for him! - and anger. *What'd they do to him? I'll kill 'em*…
…his anger, fighting not to cringe from it…
…hurt, emotional pain, he wasn't supposed to chastise her, he always supported what she did…
…tears welling in her eyes, a refusal to cry in front of other people, wracking her brain to figure out what would make him shut up…
…hurt him like he was hurting her…
…cruel words snapped out that she immediately wanted to take back, empty words she didn't mean, words others might have said to him…
…willingness to do anything to take back what she said, to take that look off of his face…
…attempting to apologize, him refusing to listen, fear and worry that she'd alienated him forever, anger because he was being so stubborn…
…fear because of how much she was scared of losing him, fear of him mattering that much…
"Oh, little one," Jander murmured, sinking back down onto the floor again, wrapping Nire in his arms. His cold, dead arms. Rendered a child again, Nire buried her head in the crook of his neck. Jander did the same, fighting the urge to nuzzle her neck in order that he could smell her blood better. Oh, gods, he was already doing it. Regardless of whether she meant it or not, she was right. He had no right to even be here.
*Perhaps I should just leave. I was right before. It would be best for all if-*
"No!" Nire wailed, his thoughts leaking into her head. "Jesus Christ, Jander, I'm *sorry*. I didn't mean it. What more do you want me to say?" She sniffled, trying to bring her tears under control. This emotional outburst had been too much for her to take, so she withdrew inward, leaving the usual mask in place.
Jander saw the mask go down and flinched back from it. She had hurt him, he had hurt her, they were even. He would not leave tonight, nor tomorrow night. But soon… With a sigh, he reached out and cupped Nire's cheek in his hand, gratified when she didn't stiffen of flinch away.
"Little one…" He bowed his head, his hair shielding his face. It had been a long time since he did that. A *long* time. His hand dropped to his lap, at a loss for what to say.
Nire was used to his abrupt mood swings, and usually took no heed of them, beyond veiled attempts to cheer him up. But tonight, it was *her* fault. There was no one she could silently rage against, save herself. And she certainly hated herself enough at that moment to unleash a blast of power that would kill an entire army. She wracked her brains for something to say to him, for something to make everything all better. But nothing would come to mind.
"Jander, I…" She drifted off, not knowing what to say. He was suddenly too close to her, the way her father, or people at school were too close. As usual, when she was uncomfortable, upset, or unsure of herself, she retreated to anger. Irrational anger, and she aimed it at Jander. "God fucking damn it! Why can't you be like everybody else? When I fuck up royally, I can just shrug and continue on my way, because they mean *nothing*. But not you, oh no. With you, I gotta make everything right again."
Jander smiled slightly, his self-pity temporarily assuaged. That was Nire's way of saying that he meant a lot to her, and she was truly sorry. It did not make the hurt less, but at least he was not as angry with her anymore. He did not feel as betrayed. But… There was nothing left for them to say toe ach other, and the silence wasn't companionable. Nire wanted to hold him, to hug him, to make him look happy again. At the same time, she didn't want him to touch her. Jander wanted to leave while they were still on good terms. Logically, he understood why she had snapped at him so. She actually *did* care what he thought about her, and his disapproval had hurt deeply. So she lashed out, trying to protect herself. And it had worked.
"You look tired, little one," he finally said. "I should go back…"
Nire's face turned hard and dark as she drew away. "Bull feces. Let's see, can you say, oldest trick in the book? Tel the kid you'll see her tomorrow, disappear into the Abyss, or some such dark ad scary place where you'll never be found again."
On his face as a look of incredulous denial. "No I wouldn't." *At least, I wouldn't do it to you, * he added silently.
The song sin her head, the ones that leaked to him, rarely had words. But as soon as he spoke, words were suddenly put to the tune that had been 'playing', wistful words.
Go to my room and I cols me eyes / I make believe that I have a new life / I don't believe you when you say / Everything will be wonderful someday / Promises mean everything when you're little / And the world is so big / I just don't understand how / You can smile with all those tears in your eyes / When you tell me everything is wonderful now…
How did she always make him feel like something was his fault? And he didn't think she meant to, either. At that point, he realized that she could say all the nasty things he wanted, but he couldn't just walk away. She could make him hate himself even more than he did already, turn it into physical pain in his stomach, and still he would stay. Somehow, he was bound to this child, and it frightened him deeply. But he could not break himself away. Right now, he was angry and blamed himself for pushing her to that point. But he still made her an offer to rid the mistrust, anger, and sadness from her eyes. And the wistful note of longing for what could never be from her mental voice.
"Then come stay with us, little one," he offered. "If that will make you believe me, then come. You can even have my bed."
"How long are you talking?" she asked suspiciously. She could stay until dawn, and next time she came back, in his current mood, he'd have disappeared, leaving behind a mysterious pile of ash.
"When will your parents start to miss you?" As far as he was concerned, she could stay forever. He would avoid her for a while, but he would not object to her presence.
"If I *died* they wouldn't miss me." She glared, daring him to deny it.
A soft sigh was heard, an acknowledgement of her challenge. "When did you tell them you'd be back? Did you even tell them anything?"
"I told my mum tomorrow night," she said grudgingly.
"Then you can stay until then."
"Until I have to go to school in the morning."
"Fine," he conceded. Gods, what had she done to him? He felt like shit, seeing her reminded him that he was nothing better than shit, and here he was allowing her to stay.
Nire quietly rummaged in her closet, quickly pulling out a nondescript pack. "Can we go? Please? I-"
She broke off, looking away. But he understood her meaning, how much she hated her house. Another reason hwy she did not mean what she said - she would never risk losing one of her only two sanctuaries. Oh, gods, he was a pathetic, sniveling beast. If that was the only reason she wanted him around, that was what he would take.
Jander ushered her through the gate he made, then followed. She stood uncertainly in the middle of the room, an expression on her face that was uncharacteristic of Nire. She looked unsure of herself, for cone allowing her mask to slip away. The *feel* of Jander was making her want to start to cry again. If she didn't get to Gar and Alea soon, and have them teach her to control this, she was going to go insane. Her words, that single careless sentence, had hurt him deeply. If she could figure out how to make him forget it, make that deep-seated doubt about his worth disappear, she would do it. In an instant, she would do it.
As it was, she did not want him to leave the room. So, to keep him in the room, to try and make him forgive her, she chattered. *She*, Nire the Silent, *chattered* nonstop, about anything that came to mind. And Jander, he listened, smiling slightly at her, draped across a chair. His mind, however, wasn't paying attention to what she was saying. She hadn't meant it, had even let him *feel* how she hadn't meant it. There wasn't an ounce of truth in what she had said, as far as she was concerned. And, even more honorably, when he scolded her, she *listened*. She felt bad about what she had done, which was more than she felt when her parents yelled at her. But her words still dug at him. Not because she had meant them, but because she was *right*.
He felt the sun rise, felt that urge to find shelter even though he was well protected. Azrael had come in for a while, but left soon after dawn, yawning, to go to bed. As Nire's yawns grew more frequent, Jander finally dragged himself from the depths of his self-pity and interrupted her.
"Little one, perhaps it is time for bed. You're exhausted. I'll sleep in this chair, so you can have the bed."
She raised an eyebrow at him, clearly showing her contempt for that arrangement. "Don't be an idiot. You paid for the room, 's your bed. I'll sleep on the floor. 'S more comfortable, anyway." Emotionless gray eyes met his silver ones, gray eyes emotionless to mask just how tired she really was, and how much she wanted that bed. But not if it was empty. Jander would never know how having another body in the bed to snuggle up to calmed her, soothed her, allowed her to get the rare good night's sleep.
Looking into her eyes, he knew she was serious. And he would feel guilty about that if he allowed her the floor. Going out on a limb, expecting and prepared for rejection, he offered, "It's big enough for two…"
"Cool," Nire said, hiding her relief. "I have dibs on the right side o' the bed."
The vampire elf blinked, shocked and amazed. He hadn't expected her to agree. This child - child in body only, perhaps, but still a child - never ceased to amaze him. The level of trust she showed… never would it cease to take him down a few notches. Never. With Nire having already staked out her half of the bed and lying on her stomach underneath the covers, he turned out the lamps in the room, the flames disappearing and leaving the room in darkness. Then he climbed under the light blanket.
"If you steal all the covers, I'm not going to be responsible for what happens," she murmured sleepily.
"I doubt I will," he replied quietly. If she was seriously going to let him sleep in the bed, too, then it had to be explained hwy she probably wouldn't get her fair share of the mattress. After chewing on his lip for a few moments, he but the bullet. "Little one… you do know that a vampire…" He choked the words out, double hard after what she had said to him. "A vampire has to sleep in the same position it died in, right?"
Nire's ears perked up, suddenly wide awake and alert. But still she feigned sleepiness. "You don't look all that dead to me."
"I am the living dead," he snarled, angered at her refusal to take what he was saying seriously.
"Whoa, easy there, tiger," she soothed. "Not that I wouldn't dearly love to learn more about you, why are you telling me this now?"
Jander took a deep, calming breath. Trying to lighten what he was saying, he replied in a joking voice, "So that I don't get the shit beaten out of me when you're not getting your fair share of the bed. My death… was a violent one…"
He could see Nire's nod in the darkness. "I'll take that into consideration and go easy on you. Okay?"
He laughed softly as an answer, quickly retreating into the blissful abyss of a dreamless sleep. Nire waited until he was sound asleep, filing that tiny tidbit of information away with the rest of the things she knew about Jander. Damn, he was right - his awkwardly sprawled limbs made him take up almost two-thirds of the bed. But that wasn't any more than her cat usually took up. When she was sure that he wouldn't wake up, sure that she could move around, she snuggled closer to him. What he didn't know was that his arm was in the perfect position to cradle her head. Once she was comfortable, Jander unconsciously holding her, she allowed herself to drift off to sleep.
* * * * *
Nire stood in Khelben Arunsun's study, a carefully cultured look of boredom drawn down on her face. He had been staring at her for the past ten minutes, outwardly passive. On the inside, he was carefully studying the girl, and trying to make her uncomfortable. Unfortunately, it was not working. While he was quite willing to wait all day, he knew that Laeral also wanted to speak with the child. The way Nire never broke eyes contact, her gray eyes dull and bored, led him to suspect she understood the game, and was as much a master as he. And while his disapproval radiated through the room, he did not think it affected her at all.
As for Nire, she knew the game. She understood what they were playing, having been in both positions before. So she would stay bored and silent, daydreaming, until Khelben deemed it time to begin his ridiculous scolding. If he were just to treat her as an errant child, then she would tune that out, too.
"Is this what you do every time someone tells you anything?" Khelben finally asked quietly. "You go and test out the truth behind the legend?"
Because there was no trace of scolding in his voice, Nire came alive enough to answer him fairly. "Only if that was my intent in the first place."
Khelben nodded slowly, steepling his long fingers. He had to tread carefully with this one to be sure his point got across. "So you deliberately pried me for information, knowing I would think you were merely a curious young mind, seeking tales of adventure?"
"Uh-huh," she said blithely, no remorse or shame in her voice. "Look at it this way," she continued lazily. "I was going in whether I knew anything or not. At least your information prepared me for what I was up against."
He had to admit, she did have a point there. "I would have much preferred it if you had gone into your adventure with a companion, however."
Nire smiled slightly. Ina tacit way, he was telling her he would answer anything she asked, as long as she promised not to go alone. "I did," she said flatly, not willing to give any ground. Even if he had just given her his permission, for what that was worth.
"Oh?" Khelben raised an eyebrow to accompany the disbelieving word. "Then where was he or she?"
Nire shrugged carelessly. "Don't know. Once I got what I wanted, I didn't need him any more. It's not like I actually *knew* him." She did pause in consideration. "Perhaps I *should* find out what happened to him… Maybe tomorrow."
Khelben sighed, something Nire found slightly amusing. She seemed to have an innate ability to make people do that. "Allow me to rephrase what I said. I would have preferred it had you brought someone you knew."
"I'll keep that in mind next time boredom makes my feet itch. 'Kay?"
There was nothing left for Khelben to do but nod and smile slightly. At least if she came to him for information, he would know that it was accurate. And he would have some inkling of what she was planning to do. That was better than having a distraught vampire show up again, scaring the wits out of him.
"I believe Laeral wanted to speak to you, also."
"Wonderful," Nire muttered. "What is she going to ream me out for?"
Khelben chuckled as he ushered the girl out the door, leading her down to the kitchen. Laeral was making… well, he wasn't quite sure that. But it smelled delicious. "I have no idea. But I would suggest that you go a bit easier on Arilyn, child. She has her own reasons for the way she acts."
Nire stopped in the middle of the hall. Strangely, she felt no objection to him calling her 'child'. But she did not feel up to dealing with the half elf. Not today. "Why? Is she in there?"
"No. I'm just telling you that she has her own reasons for being hostile."
"That's no excuse," Nire said darkly.
"No," Khelben admitted, "it's not. But perhaps you could cut her some slack, out of the generosity of your heart?"
"Made on a whim out of wire and skin, but the creator forgot the heart within."
Khelben could only blink at that. It was time to hand her off to Laeral, anyway. He opened the door in front of her, allowing her to go through. "I hope to see you again, soon."
Nire gave a sharp nod as he shut the door and beat a hasty retreat. Laeral was busy preparing a meal, but she dusted off her hands and turned to Nire as the door closed. The child met the lady mage's eyes coolly, waiting.
"I don't even know where to start," Laeral said, blatant disapproval in her voice.
"Then why bother starting at all?" Nire's voice was toneless and cold, testing. "It's not like either of you are my parents."
"Well it's obvious you need some," Laeral snapped.
"So, what, are you offering yourselves to fill the positions?" A little bit of anger was all Nire allowed to seep into her voice.
There was a slight pause as Laeral considered this. "Yes. *Someone* needs to teach you manners. That poor vampire was terrified that you were dead, yet all you did was lash out at him. Do you have *any* idea how much hurt you caused?" While Laeral wasn't sure that a vampire was an appropriate companion for a child, for anyone, the look that was on his face tore at her heart.
Nire's bitter laugh filled the room. "You think I couldn't see that? If you people hadn't been there, I would have never let him walk away. Trust me, I know. I'm the one who's still trying to convince him that, not only did I not mean it, but that it's not true. What else?"
"Going to a place *Khelben* wouldn't dare go, and going alone? What were you thinking?"
"I didn't go alone. I'm not that dumb," Nire replied scornfully. "The guy just didn't leave the same way I did."
"Did he die?" Her voice was quiet and sympathetic, but Nire just shrugged in response.
"Don't know. I was too busy trying to fix the mess I made with Jander to stick around and see if he came out behind me."
"And couldn't you have solve your issue with Arilyn without resorting to violence?"
"Sure," Nire said calmly. "I could have killed her. Would you have preferred that? No? Be glad I only punched her once."
Laeral decided she had pushed her luck far enough for one day. At least Nire had not refused when she answered 'yes' to the question about parents. "Are you staying for dinner?"
"Can't. I promised Jander I was coming over as soon as dark fell. Him 'n' Az are leaving tonight, so I gotta go find my stuff so I can go with 'em."
"See you soon?"
"Yep. See ya." As Laeral was about to offer to walk her out, Nire stood and stepped forward, disappearing.
