Title: Clear – Unmistakably Clear
Part 2-Chapter 7: Moonlight
Pairing: Harry/Draco
Rating: R for slash themes
**WARNING**: THIS STORY CONTAINS SLASH THEMES – WHICH MEANS HOMOSEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN TWO MALE CHARACTERS. YOU ARE ADVISED TO LEAVE IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS.
Disclaimer: The characters portrayed in this story do not belong to me, but to the Harry Potter series by JK Rowling. This is all FICTION; none of it is true. No profit was made from this story. I bear no responsibility for anything you may claim from this story, you have been warned.
LAST WARNING. SLASH. HOMOSEXUALITY. LEAVE IF YOU DON'T LIKE.
Plagiarism is a crime. But I'm sure you know that already.
Notes: *sigh* This is getting harder and harder to write as I reach the end. This is it. The penultimate chapter. No excuses for the lateness; love you all for reading and reviewing. Wish me luck on my A-Levels – believe me, I need it so badly it's not even funny. Woo. I'm having my exams the same time my characters are. This is just too weird. Am I rambling? Revision can do that to you. Detrimental to health, I tell you. *sigh*. Anyway! Extra long chapter for you!!!! :D
Thank you to Lilyria Ali, who beta-ed at very short notice. You did a wonderful job, thank you!
Happy Very Belated Birthday to Tsuyuno! So sorry for the lateness! Maybe extra long chapter will make up for it?
Oh, and "The Insane Floo Pot"? Thank you! I think I needed a boost to finish. I'm always like that, aren't I? Terrible person I am, truly! (more at the bottom)…!
To Everyone: Please, please read the extra notes after this chapter. It does explain a bit about Draco and Harry and why they are how they are. It isn't only in response to a particular Anonymous review (which I thank you for), but also to the readers in general so I hope you understand where the characters are coming from. :) Thank you!
***
Hajimari sae
Ushinawareta
Owaranai geemu wo shiyou
(Even when it began
It was lost
This game doesn't seem to end – will it?)
---
Draco woke up to see Madam Pomfrey hovering worriedly over him.
"You'll be alright, dear," she said, patting his hand comfortingly. "You just need a bit more rest. You lost quite a bit of blood yesterday, what with your escapades in Potions and last night." She waved her wand in a circle around his shoulder. "Just a few routine checks. Now, let's see. The wound on your arm should heal completely by dinnertime, and the scar should be gone in a couple more weeks." She smoothed down his bedcovers and turned to go. "There's someone to see you. Try not to excite yourself again, Mr. Malfoy. I have no reason to doubt that last night's events were caused by lack of blood and too much excitement on your part."
"Who is it?" Draco asked, curiosity now piqued.
Madam Pomfrey just smiled as she lifted a side of the curtain to leave. "I'll send them in right now. But only for a few minutes, mind you."
Draco sighed and glanced around himself. He was surrounded on all three sides by heavy white curtains, designed specifically to prevent anyone from spying on the patient inside. He sighed again, and closed his eyes.
"Draco."
Draco's eyes shot open. "Harry." He struggled to sit up, but his head gave a painful throb and he almost blacked out at the wave of dizziness that washed over him and consumed his vision.
Harry's arm found its way around him immediately as he perched hastily on the side of the bed. "No, Draco. Don't sit up, you'll make it worse."
"Harry…?" Draco's eyes were wide as he was slowly lowered to lie down again.
"Mhm. I came to see you." Harry smiled gently, softly.
"Oh." A pause, and then Draco's cheeks almost coloured when he asked, "Was I much…out of control last night?"
Harry shifted so he could face Draco properly, and smoothed away an errant strand of hair. "Not at all."
Draco sighed and closed his eyes. "Okay." His lips and cheeks were still devastatingly pale, and so Harry just continued brushing Draco's temple with his fingertips, so lightly that Draco thought it was just a figment of his imagination.
They stayed in their positions, feeling strangely content.
"Harry?"
"Yes, Draco?"
"Just wondering if you're still here."
Harry smiled, even though Draco's eyes were still closed. "Of course I am, love."
"Okay."
Draco's breathing was still shallow – too shallow – and the paleness of his skin remained so, and so Harry sat with a worried smile on his face, moving his hand to cup Draco's cold cheek and to run the callused pad of his thumb over Draco's soft, soft skin.
Everybody needs a little time away
I heard her say
From each other
Even lovers need a holiday
Far away
From each other
"Harry?"
"Yes, Draco?"
"I think…I think we need to talk."
Harry's hand stilled and Draco opened his eyes. "What, now? Why not later? Maybe you should just rest instead."
"Now's a good time as any. And I don't have the energy to throw a tantrum and storm out."
Harry's smile was forced. "Yes, well." He shifted in his seat, suddenly feeling rather uncomfortable. "What do you want to talk about?"
"Us," Draco said simply.
"Us," repeated Harry dully. He coughed nervously, staring at the bit of Draco's collarbone that was partially covered by the hospital robe and bed sheet.
"Yes. Harry. Harry, you know that – you know how I am. You know that this whole showing emotions thing never was easy for me. I'm not – I've never been – open. Or. And you were – are – the first."
"I know that, Draco. That, and more. You don't have to tell me again, I know." Harry couldn't stop himself from touching Draco, and resumed stroking Draco's cheek.
Draco closed his eyes. "I still think that. It might be best if we aren't. If we don't. If we give ourselves more time to be apart."
Harry snatched his hand back. "Why?" He was extremely aware of the way his voice had wobbled and climbed several octaves, but Draco didn't appear to have noticed; if he had, he ignored it.
"I lo – I love – I…" Draco just couldn't speak the words. "It's just that – I can't – I'm – I'm still trying to forgive you." He blinked up at Harry, some deep emotion in his eyes that Harry didn't have the mind to fathom.
"Why can't you try it while we're together? It's as if you don't want to forgive me."
"I do. Which is why I need some time away from you. Having you around – it makes me remember when I saw you and…"
"Draco. If using the time-turner wasn't illegal, I'd use it. I would've worked with him somewhere public, somewhere where he wouldn't have – have, and then I wouldn't have…"
"Even if you could change that, Harry, could you have changed the way I was treating you then? Or the way you were acting then? Could you have changed Voldemort, Harry?" Draco sighed. "Sometimes, things are. And we have to accept them and deal with it."
"What are you trying to say?"
"Exactly what I just said. We still need some time apart. More time. I'm not saying that we. It's just." Draco sighed again and reached up to touch Harry's cheek with the tips of his fingers. "Perhaps after a while, I'll be able to be with you without thinking of you with someone else."
Harry shook his head. "I can't. I can't accept that."
Draco was silent.
"I love you, Draco. Love you so much. I know you're still looking to forgive me, but. And I know that you must love me because otherwise you wouldn't even bother."
"Harry…goodbye isn't forever." Draco didn't know what to say.
"I know, but it doesn't make it any less hard."
"I have…baggage, Harry. I need to rid myself of them first."
"Why can't you let me help you do that?"
"It's something I have to do myself."
"Then why can't you let me be there for you then?"
"Because I'll never be able to do it if you are there reminding me. Harry, last night…" Draco's hand reached up to touch his bandage lightly. "Last night when I – I was thinking of you then. I needed that much to be away from you."
"Do you hate me that much? Or do you find me so repulsive that you have to resort to such measures?"
Draco looked away, burying himself deeper into the blankets, refusing to answer. Harry's touch followed him, however, unwilling to let go, disappearing under warm covers.
Harry bent down, pulling the blankets back as he tried to look at Draco in the eye, but failing as Draco squirmed and hid his face from him. "Draco," he said, stroking Draco's hair and pressing a kiss to the top of his head, "I didn't mean that."
"You did, you did."
"Draco. Draco, I didn't."
"Do you know how much you've taken from me, Harry? Granted, it was my own fault that I was weak enough for you to take anything from me at all, but you did, and I need to find these pieces of myself again." Draco's words were tinged with bitterness, and Harry felt a desperate sort of ache in his throat. He reached out, needing to touch Draco, to make contact with him somehow. Anyhow.
"Tell me. Please, tell me. I'll give you all of me until you find yourself. Please, Draco."
Draco tried to push Harry's hands away but Harry was firm, determined, and Draco in his weakened state couldn't spare any energy to do anything other than rest his icy hands, so thin and pale they looked transparent, on top of Harry's large tan warm ones and sigh. Just at that moment, Harry suddenly felt very afraid – afraid that he would lose Draco – Draco, who was the very personification of moonlight and looked fully capable of just disappearing when the sun would finally peek over the horizon.
"I've lost my music, Harry, and there is nothing that can take its place until I find it again."
Harry was puzzled. "Your music?" he repeated dumbly.
"Yes. And I've decided, Harry. I'm going to go away. To get well."
"Where are you going?"
"Where my music waits."
"Will you stop speaking in riddles?" Harry stood up, angry because he couldn't get through to Draco, but Draco just blinked up at him impassively.
"I want to sleep now." And he closed his eyes.
Harry immediately sat back down. "Sorry, Draco. I'm sorry. Really."
"Sleeping now."
Harry sighed. "Could I at least…?"
Draco was silent. And still. And so Harry leaned over and placed his lips gently on Draco's, not liking how cold they were against his.
A muffled gasp, and Harry sprung back, eyes wide, arms flailing, and met the shocked gaze of Madam Pomfrey. "Uh," Harry croaked. "Madam Pomfrey...I was just, uh. Just."
Madam Pomfrey was blushing bright red as she turned around to leave. "Your time is up, Mr. Potter," she sniffed. "I've already given you over twenty minutes."
Harry looked down at Draco and found him watching him with expressionless silver eyes that glinted in the light. "I'll come back and see you later."
"If you must." Draco closed his eyes again.
Harry hurried out, blushing as he met the enquiring gaze of the school nurse. "Um. I'll see you later, Madam Pomfrey. Thank you for letting me see Draco."
"You're welcome, Mr. Potter," she said, and turned around to continue with her work.
---
I'll give you everything I am
And everything I want to be
I'll put it in your hands
If you could open up to me, oh
Can't we ever get beyond this wall
---
Dumbledore looked at the letter in his hands. It was an urgent owl that had arrived late in the evening, and Dumbledore didn't really know what to make of it.
He looked over it again, and sighed.
Dumbledore pressed a button on his desk. "Severus, could you come to my office, please?"
"Yes, Headmaster."
Ten minutes later, Snape stood before Dumbledore, raising a curious eyebrow.
"Look at this, Severus." Dumbledore passed him the parchment. "What do you think of this?"
Professor Dumbledore,
I am writing to you concerning my son Draco's physical
well-being. As his sole guardian and parent, I have decided to
remove Draco from school to receive specialised medical
attention until he is well enough to return. He will of course be
taking his NEWTs in June, and I have prepared for tutors to
ensure that his academic progress will not be hindered in any
way during his absence from school.
I hope you will accept my apologies in saying that there
can be no discussion as to the arrangement.
I will arrive tomorrow after sunset. Please arrange for
Draco's belongings to be ready for his departure then.
Thank you.
Yours Sincerely,
Narcissa Malfoy
"Well, sir," Snape began, as he scanned over the letter once more. "I believe Draco wrote to Narcissa requesting his own withdrawal. There can be no question to that. Narcissa wouldn't do such a thing without Draco's consent, and why she would have such an idea in the first place….well."
"I agree, Severus. And as you read, there is no room for argument or discussion. But you as Draco's godfather may be of some influence, and so I wish to know your opinion."
Snape was silent for a moment. "I believe," he said slowly, raising his eyes to meet the Headmaster's, "that it would be a good idea for Draco to leave."
---
Harry was sitting in the Gryffindor common room when Seamus and Dean burst in, shouting "Malfoy's leaving!"
"What?"
"His mother's here! She's just arrived and the house elves are packing Malfoy's stuff into a carriage and she's going to Dumbledore and Malfoy's leaving for real!" Seamus said, turning to Harry, grinning.
"Now?" he said dumbly.
"Yeah!" And the two of them ran off to tell more people. "We have to celebrate!" filtered back to Harry's ears.
Hermione turned wide, shocked eyes to him. "Harry…"
"I knew he was leaving," Harry whispered. "But I didn't know it would be so soon."
"You what?"
"I have to see him."
"Harry, wait!" Hermione called after him, but Harry was already gone.
---
"I repeat. I refuse to be levitated out." Draco crossed his arms and stuck his nose in the air.
Narcissa smiled indulgently. "Of course, darling. I'm completely against the idea as well, since you are."
"Mrs. Malfoy," Madam Pomfrey sighed. "Please, work with me here." She spoke slowly, as if to a child. "Draco is not well enough to walk on his own, and no, you are not strong enough to support a seventeen year old boy. The best possible solution is to levitate him out."
"No." Draco pouted.
Narcissa turned her smile to Madam Pomfrey as she stroked Draco's hair softly, lovingly, her perfectly manicured nails gliding over messy strands of silvery hair. "If there is any other way in which Draco could be moved out into the carriage?"
"No," she said curtly. "I can levitate him on a bed or in a chair if he refuses to be levitated on his own."
"Could perhaps Severus or Albus be of help, instead?"
Madam Pomfrey sniffed. "We have rules, Mrs. Malfoy. Teachers are not allowed to have any physical contact with any of the students. I am the exception. The only exception. And I, like you, am not strong enough to carry a full grown boy out to the carriage. Hence, the levitation."
"Well." Narcissa's smile disappeared and her eyes glinted dangerously. "You will just have to devise another method, will you not? I am sure the school board would love to know that Draco almost died under your care, and I find it impossible under such circumstances to entrust Draco to you in any shape or form, for this or anything else." Her words held a definite finality to them, and though Narcissa was just shorter than the nurse, she seemed to tower over her. "My son will not be levitated, Madam Pomfrey. See to it that he is moved to the carriages using an alternative means."
Madam Pomfrey's lips pinched and her gaze turned hostile, but Draco didn't want to be levitated and so Narcissa didn't really care about the nurse's opinion.
All that mattered was what her baby wanted.
There was the sound of someone clearing their throat, and Madam Pomfrey and Narcissa broke their stare to see Crabbe and Goyle shuffling their feet awkwardly.
"Um," said Crabbe.
"We, uh," said Goyle.
"Came to, you know," coughed Crabbe.
"See Draco off," finished Goyle.
Madam Pomfrey glared at them, and then turned back to Narcissa. "Well then, you have your solution. One of them will carry Draco down to the carriage. No levitation. Good enough for you, Mrs. Malfoy?"
Narcissa smiled at Draco. "Darling, is that alright?"
Draco sighed, as if greatly aggravated. "If I must."
"We do need to make the eight p.m. portkey, darling."
"Very well then." And Draco sighed again.
Crabbe and Goyle nudged each other, smirking furtively behind Madam Pomfrey's back.
---
Hold me now
It's hard for me to say I'm sorry
I just want you to stay
And after all that you've been through
I will make it up to you
I promise you
And after all that's been said and done
You're just a part of me I can't let go
---
The wind was blowing hard, and the clouds in the darkening sky forecasted a heavy storm. Harry's robes whipped around his figure as he ran out to the front of the school. Narcissa was there with Draco, who was being carried along by Goyle, with Crabbe trailing just behind them, staring at the ground. Dumbledore and Snape stood with them, talking quietly with Narcissa.
Harry almost fell over his own feet when he ran closer – Draco was horrendously pale, wrapped tightly in a light summer cloak, the hood pulled over his head. His heart gave a hard thump of worry, giving him a short burst of acceleration.
"Draco!" Harry called, coming to a stop, panting.
Narcissa moved in front of Draco, trying to shield him from Harry. "Yes, Mr. Potter?"
Harry ignored her, eyes fixed on Draco's, which were in turn looking at a point to his right. "Are you really going?" he asked.
"Potter," Crabbe grunted. "What're you doing here?" He, too, moved between Draco and Harry, but shot Goyle a look that Harry instantly picked up on. Those two had known he was going to come.
Draco didn't answer Harry's question, and Narcissa rolled her eyes disdainfully.
"Where are you going? How long? When will you be back? Will you be coming back?" Harry moved closer and closer with each question, and Draco dug his nails into Goyle's shoulder so that they stepped back, away from Harry.
Dumbledore laid a hand on Harry's shoulder. "Now, now, Harry. Draco is leaving to get better, and once he is, he will return. Do not worry."
Harry gave Dumbledore a mournful look. "Professor…"
"We must take leave now, Headmaster," Narcissa said, ignoring Harry.
Dumbledore smiled. "Farewell, Narcissa. I hope we may meet soon again. Take care, Draco," he said, leaning sideways so he could nod and smile at him.
Snape just stood, silent.
"Sir, are you really letting him leave?" Harry gave Dumbledore a plaintive look. "Mrs. Malfoy, are you really taking Draco away?"
Narcissa's mouth pinched. "I am not taking my son away from anything. Watch your words, Mr. Potter." She gave a curt nod to Goyle, who carefully set Draco into the carriage as Crabbe rearranged Draco's cloak around him. She climbed in herself, and the door snapped shut on its own.
Harry all but tore into the carriage to try and see Draco. "Draco!" he called. "Please, don't go!"
"Potter." Snape's firm hand appeared on Harry's shoulder, forcing him away from the carriage. "Don't make a spectacle of yourself. Anything you do or say will not make him stay."
Harry shrugged Snape's hand off angrily. "And how would you know?"
Snape gave him a long, cool look. "I have known the boy since he was born, Potter. I can predict virtually everything he will say or do. Of course," he said, turning up his nose and looking away, "you were the exception. As always." Harry wasn't quite sure if he was supposed to have heard the last part or not.
"Now, now," said Dumbledore, smiling benignly at the two of them. "Let us go to the Great Hall for some dinner." His smile grew as his gaze fell upon Crabbe and Goyle, who watched the carriage leave mournfully. "Come now, Mr. Crabbe, Mr. Goyle. Dinner awaits us."
Crabbe nudged Goyle and the two of them appeared on either side of Harry as the strange group made their way back into the school. "We thought you might want to know about Draco," Goyle said, out of the blue.
"He's gone," Harry retorted flatly. "He left me. What else is there to know?"
"Oh, I dunno," Goyle said, looking at his feet. "Maybe where he is. How long he'll be away."
Harry stopped and stared. "You know?" He felt breathless, another rush of adrenaline.
Goyle nodded. "He's in the Malfoy summer cottage. Mansion, really, but." He rolled his eyes and Crabbe gave a grunt – was it a laugh? Harry really didn't know.
"Where?"
"France." Goyle screwed up his face. "I could find you an address. But unless you're going for a visit." He shrugged and let the sentence drop. "You wouldn't want to do that either. I mean."
"Yeah," Harry said, miserable. "He'd probably stay mad at me forever."
Crabbe shrugged and Goyle nodded in agreement. "But that's Draco for you."
"When will he be back, then?"
"Dunno. Long time. He said that the earliest will be Easter. The latest – well."
"Easter?!" Harry repeated, eyes wide with shock. No, oh Gods, please, no. He can't. It was just the beginning of February, and their Easter break would come in late April this year.
Two months. Two months away from Draco, not even able to catch glimpses of him in class, at meals, around school…
"Potter? Oi, you there? Are you alright? Vince, what's wrong with him?" Goyle waved a hand in front of Harry's face, but he didn't respond. He could only stare blankly as his mind whirled aimlessly.
Harry wanted to die. Or maybe just sit down and have a good cry. Or perhaps run away from school and find Draco. But then he squared his shoulders and lifted his head. He was Harry Potter – and there was nothing he couldn't do.
Even if he cried the whole way through, nothing more than a lost boy waiting for his love to come back to him.
***
**
*
**
***
Uragiru tame ni umaretekita
Kuchibiru wo togisumase
Muimu na rikutsu ni mata muragaru
Orokashisa ni predilection
(I was only born to betray
My lips, in the end, feel sharp
You're lost in a cloud of meaningless reason
In your foolish predilection)
---
Draco was sitting in the back veranda, overlooking the extensive Malfoy estate in southern France, deep in the countryside.
A servant came out, nodding respectfully to him before presenting a silver tray with several envelopes. "Mon seigneur, vous courier avoir arriver."
Draco took them, and waved a careless hand. "Vous pouvez partir." The servant bowed and promptly disappeared. Draco held up an envelope. Crabbe and Goyle – their handwriting was unmistakable. One from Harry – Draco quickly put it behind the others. Harry had written him a letter each day since he arrived. Draco hadn't read any yet – he was afraid that he will weaken and return too soon to Hogwarts. And so the letters lay, tied up in a bundle, carefully stacked inside his dresser drawer. All fifty seven of them. And now, with this one, fifty eight.
The last letter was from…Granger?
Curious.
He carefully broke the seal and scanned the contents, expression carefully neutral though his heart beat with a strengthening intensity as he read on.
…must return soon, Draco, please, I beg of you…
Too soon, still. And yet, not soon enough.
…grief, all consuming, never ending grief, and…
No. Not Harry. Not my Harry. Can't be.
…worry, worry endlessly for you, for him…
Save it for Harry, soothe him for me while I am away.
…know you are strong, Draco, so be strong for him and return…
No. I am weak. Too weak. I can't do it.
…be strong, as it is he now who is weak…
I am not strong enough for me, how can I be strong enough for both of us?
…implore one last time – come home, Draco…
No. Not yet. Too soon.
And Draco put the letter down, leaning his head back in his chair, closing his eyes to hide the tears.
Soon.
---
Can't get enough kanashige na kao kara
Don't let me down itami sae fukuetara
One more night junsui na ai dake
Tookunai mirai kanaeru sa
(Can't get enough of your heavy heart or face
Don't let me down, I'll wipe you clean of the pain
One more night of true love
Will you ever be mine?)
---
There was nothing wrong with Harry. At least, nothing appeared to be.
It appeared to Ron, at least, that everything was as it should be.
Harry ate as normal – even the same quantities as always: two eggs and half a bowl of porridge at breakfast, a sandwich and a handful of crisps at lunch, chocolates after classes, and a plate and half of dinner.
He worked as normal, always waiting just a little too late before doing his homework, always needing to repeat Transfiguration exercises four times to get it right, always needing to do a charm twice before it worked.
He played as normal – chess in the evening with Ron, brow furrowed, hair glistening from the light of the fire, and ultimately losing with a laugh and careless shrug; Quidditch practice, always aggressive, always ready, quick, unbeatable.
But he didn't smile as normal. Hermione knew – her own smile would dim when his appeared, and the slightest of worried frowns would appear on her brow. Harry's eyes fell dully on bright, happy sights, and laughter fell to deaf ears – how could he hear them, when his heart closed itself to all voices but the one who had left him? How could he see any happiness around him when his one happiness was gone, taking with it the light that brought vision to his eyes?
He went to bed as normal, though how well he slept, no one knew.
In truth, his dreams were plagued with nightmares.
He lived his infidelity over and over again, always ending the same way – Draco's mercuric eyes, cracking from the reflection of tears before he spun and ran off, footsteps echoing in Harry's mind, mocking, blaming, taunting.
He would see that night in the infirmary, except this time, Draco would have succeeded in slashing his wrists and he would always reach him a moment too late.
He dreamed of Draco leaving, a horseless black carriage slowly disappearing into the evening mist as he collapsed onto his knees, crying, calling, begging and pleading for Draco to come back.
And he would always wake up drained, cheeks tight and raw from the stain of his salty tears, eyes red-rimmed and sore, but none so aching as his heart would be, longing for something that he had, but chased away by himself.
---
And I meant, every word I said
When I said that I love you I meant
That I'd love you forever
And I'm gonna keep on loving you
'Cause it's the only thing I wanna do
I don't wanna sleep
I just wanna keep on loving you
---
Draco sat at the desk in his bedroom, Harry's letters piled on the shiny surface before him. His hand trembled as he reached for the top one – the earliest one. It had arrived hours after he first did, and Draco had promptly hid it away from his eyes, lest he be tempted. Slender fingers gripped onto the parchment tightly, tiny creases appearing on the letter.
…love you love you love you love you love you…
…miss you already, only been minutes, but miss you…
…love you love you love you love you love you…
…words can only say so much, but they're all I have…
Not even realising how hard he was breathing, Draco continued reading Harry's letters, reaching for the next when one was done, laying them in a messy stack next to the neat envelopes. The letters became more desperate as they went on, and Draco felt completely wretched as he read them. Dried tear stains covered the parchment, bleeding the letters, running the ink into the fibres of the paper where they were blotted hastily but were irreparable. The familiar scrawl of Harry's words always began neatly but would always end up nothing more than trembling messes as the writer's hand shook with sobs and heartache and Draco realised that Harry must have snapped many quills as he wrote those letters; the grip on them had been so tight, and Draco could see them all in his words, could read them all from that remained unwritten.
…minutes seem like eternity as I wait for you…
…why won't you come back to me…
…see nothing but the image of you, hear nothing but echoes of your words…
…please come back – come back to me…
…come back come back come back come back…
With a hard shove, Draco pushed himself out of his chair, knocking it onto the floor noisily. The parchment was flung from his hands and lay, unimposing upon his desk.
No more. He couldn't read any more.
Draco took a deep, calming breath, and whirled, his robes flaring out as he stalked from his bedroom.
***
I can't go on running from
the past
Love has torn away this mask
And now like clouds like rain
I'm drowning and
I blame it all on you
I'm lost - God save me...
***
A letter arrived for Harry – a tiny scroll tied with a thin black ribbon. It contained a single sentence, one lonely word.
Soon, it said.
And Harry had smiled – truly smiled – for the first time since Draco's departure, and cradled the parchment lovingly.
***
**
*
**
***
Harry looked sadly at the calendar that hung in the Gryffindor common room. Exams would start tomorrow, and Draco still hadn't come back. There hadn't been any more letters, either.
"Harry, come on." Hermione spoke to him softly, the look in her eyes tender as she reached for him. "It's dinnertime. Maybe he'll be back for dinner."
Harry shook his head as a strange feeling gnawed at his insides. "No, Hermione. He won't be back yet."
"But the letter, Harry…"
"The letter was…it was to soothe me. To tell me that he knows I'm waiting. He'll come back, Hermione, just not yet. Not tonight."
Hermione smiled sadly. "Alright. But come on down to dinner with me. It's started already – look at the time."
Harry nodded and headed for the portrait. "I know."
Soon.
---
Iki mo dekinai
Joukyou shita de wa
Sugureta ai wo musaboru
(Even if you breathe, it isn't possible
Under these circumstances
The love that stays strong is superior)
---
Draco sat at his desk, sighing, head in his hands. He had been rash, impudent, all of those things many times over and yet, he never seemed to learn.
He wished he was a stronger person.
He wished he had been a better student of his father's.
He wished he wasn't so immature.
He wished he hadn't left.
He wished he could call back Harry's snowy owl.
He wished he hadn't asked it to stay after delivering Harry's daily letter.
He wished he hadn't sat down then and, realising the date, hurriedly wrote a quick reply.
He wished many things, but he never let himself regret them.
Never.
---
"Why isn't he back yet? Our first paper begins in half an hour." Harry was pacing, too absorbed in his thoughts of Draco to go over his notes.
"Harry!" Ron burst into the common room, waving frantically. "Guess what I just heard? I was just walking down the corridor when I heard Snape talking to Vector – she's going to be the invigilator for this morning, you know, and Snape told her that Malfoy arranged to have his exams taken in France! France, Harry!" His eyes were wide, panicked at what his friend's reaction might be.
"Oh." Harry stood, unblinking and unmoving, eerie in his stillness.
"Harry, mate, you alright?" Ron waved a hand in front of blank green eyes. "Oh Gods, no, Harry! Come on, snap out of it! You have your NEWTs to do, stop thinking about him!"
"I – I'll be fine, Ron. You know how well prepared we are. I just…"
And then Hedwig flew in, clutching a scroll with a black ribbon, and dropped it onto Harry's head, cutting him off mid-sentence.
"What's that, Harry?" Ron asked, as Harry unrolled the scroll.
Harry smiled widely, eyes shining, his entire countenance brightening, and Ron knew the answer already. "It's from Draco! A real letter from Draco! Ooh…" And he scuttled off to read it in a quiet corner.
Ron stood patiently, munching on a chocolate frog, and five minutes later, Harry returned, smiling brightly. "You're not going to tell me what he wrote, are you?" asked Ron, grinning.
Harry shook his head no, smile threatening to spill off his cheeks.
"Was it mushy, romantic, sappy and utterly disgusting?" Ron had meant it as a joke. Seriously.
Harry just smiled wider.
Ron shoved Harry playfully on the shoulder. "Come on then, mate. Better head off."
Harry laughed, and the two of them headed towards the portrait hole.
"You know, Harry," Ron mused, watching as Harry crawled through after him. "I never pegged Malfoy as a romantic type." He grinned, only half-joking now.
"He isn't."
"Then why are you so happy after reading his letter?" Ron scratched the top of his head, confused.
"Just because." Harry's smile began to look rather moony.
"Uh. Okay." Ron's cheeks turned a light shade of green at the thought that Harry was getting mushy over something that Malfoy wrote to him. Ugh. Gave him the shivers, too.
But Harry smiled a secret smile, hand wandering into his pocket to graze his fingers on the parchment, neatly folded up and retied with the black ribbon, hidden in the expanse of his robes.
---
"But at least he's in a good mood for his NEWTs," Hermione whispered back, casting a hidden glance over at Harry, who was studying in a corner.
"I know, but…" Ron leaned closer and whispered his next words as if it was classified intelligence information. "It was a mushy letter."
Hermione raised an eyebrow. "Mushy? Romantic, you mean?" She smiled widely, sighing. "That's so sweet of Malfoy, you know."
"Ick. Don't you ever dare to say that Malfoy is sweet. Ever again. I absolutely forbid it. Or at least not when I'm around," he added hastily, seeing Hermione glare at him.
"Well, Ron Weasley, if you had the slightest inkling of romance in you, you'd realise what Malfoy did was sweet. In a horribly cruel way," Hermione mused, tapping her index finger against her chin.
"I agree with you about the horribly cruel, but sweet?" Ron wrinkled his nose. "No way. Uh-uh. That's just wrong."
"Well, think about it." Hermione took a deep breath, ready to give one of her mini speeches. "He leaves, which is just cruel – no explanation needed, but then sends Harry a note at the end of Easter when he knew he wouldn't be back yet. Just to tell Harry that he hasn't forgotten about him, you know? And now – when he isn't coming back for his exams, he sends a letter to Harry – and from what you told me, he probably said some very nice things in it to put Harry in such a good mood."
"Harry would be in a good mood no matter what Malfoy wrote, just as long as he did," grumbled Ron, eyeing Harry, who was now rereading the letter.
"Exactly!" said Hermione, bouncing up in her seat. "The fact is that Malfoy did write. The fact that he wrote at all, you know?"
"Er. No, not really." Ron sighed. "I don't understand you people." He paused. "Or rather, just you and Harry I don't get."
"Huh. Figures." Hermione rolled her eyes at Ron, and fiddled with the cuff of her sweater.
A comfortable silence hung between them as they watched Harry roll up the parchment and, smiling widely, go back to studying.
"Hey, Hermione?"
"Yeah?"
"What are you going to do after Hogwarts?"
"Oh. Haven't you thought about it?"
"Well." Ron shifted, somewhat embarrassed. "I thought that was what we were supposed to be doing at school after our exams."
"We are. It's just that you're unofficially supposed to have thought about your future already."
"Oh. Well. What are you going to do?"
"I think I'll continuing studying. In higher education, like."
"But the UK doesn't have any wizard universities. They're all on the continent." Ron's eyes had widened, and he was looking at Hermione strangely.
"Yes, well, I don't mind, really. I hear the one in Germany is one of the best. Or France. Maybe I should ask Malfoy when he gets back. He should probably know – there's no way he'll be going anywhere without studying a bit more and getting a degree. I wonder what Harry's going to do, after we graduate, I mean, because Draco will be schooling in Europe. It'll be this times three years. And then there's the apprenticeship to think about – assuming he chooses a subject requiring one."
"Well. Harry will probably just go with him," Ron muttered, meaning it to be a joke.
"Hm. Probably." Hermione smiled. It seemed only right, somehow, that Harry would get what he wanted – Draco – and so Hermione had already placated herself long ago to the fact that Harry would be with Draco and, since she was a secret romantic at heart, she currently had envisions of her best friend and his boyfriend living happily ever after.
Ron sighed, and Hermione snapped out of her little daydream.
"What about you, Ron? Haven't you thought about it yet?"
"Yes, no, not really." He ran a hand through his hair. "I guess I'll get a job at the Ministry, like Percy did. I mean, I can go to university if I want, or even Auror College, if Fred and George chip in with the money they're earning from the joke shop, but the burden of it…" He sighed again. "I guess, yeah, I'll be like Percy. Get a job at the Ministry."
Hermione frowned. "I thought you wanted to become an Auror, Ron. I always thought you'd go to Auror College, I'd go to university, and we'd settle down somewhere…Uh. All three of us, I mean." She blushed at her slip of tongue.
"I guess." Ron looked a tiny bit uncomfortable. "Hermione, do you really want to go to university? Study?"
"Why? Somehow, when you put it that way…"
"Never mind. You're not exactly the type to just settle down early, eh?" He gave a nervous laugh.
"Not to say that I don't want a family, Ron, but I think that I should just. Wait."
"Hermione…" Ron blushed fiercely then, and Hermione felt her heart speed up in anticipation of…what, she didn't really quite know. "I'll wait for you. Like Harry is waiting for Malfoy, I'll wait for you."
"Ron…"
"You don't have to – I mean, I know that – what I mean is – I understand if – "
"Ron!" Hermione said sharply, and Ron shut up, looking away so that she can't read the expression in his eyes. "Alright."
Ron was silent.
Hermione fidgeted just slightly. "Ron? Um. I said 'alright'."
"Alright what?"
"Just alright. Because I'll be waiting, too."
Ron whipped around then, eyes large and round, lips parted. "Hermione…"
Harry ambled over then, breaking whatever sort of tension they had, destroying the moment and scaring their words back into hiding. "Hey. Just wondering. Should I go to university on the continent? I mean. Draco will be there, right?"
And Ron and Hermione couldn't help but laugh then – why, they didn't really know.
---
Can't get enough utsukushii mayonaka
Don't let me down hashiritsuzukete mo mata
One more night nigerenai no wa dare
Kizukitaku mo nai son shinjitsu
(Can't get enough of this beautiful midnight
Don't let me down, I'll still run to you
One more night, which of us will ever escape?
I wish I knew the truth)
---
Exams came and went, and now, after over a month of exams, there were only two weeks left to the school year – the Leaving Ball was on the last night of school. The seventh years only had to go to morning classes; they didn't actually have formal classes anymore, just sessions where they received talks from various teachers about further education and apprenticeships for their particular field. Speakers from the Ministry came in, as did a pair of Aurors, to promote job applications, and the rest of their time was spent however they wanted to.
Harry spent most of his time flying idly around the Quidditch pitch, dreaming lazily of Draco and his return. He paid no attention to Ron and Hermione's hesitant courtship, if he even knew of it at all.
With the imminent Leaving Ball, everyone else was scurrying around, finding partners, getting formal dress robes, trying out hairstyles and makeup and different cosmetic spells. Harry went robe shopping, too, with Ron, and prepared for the Leaving Ball with his head seemingly in the cloud. The entire school whispered of his mystery date – no girl had been asked yet, or indeed, any boy. Ron and Hermione dutifully reported the rumours (he was going with X in Y house but it wasn't made public because of Z) and Harry dutifully ignored them.
And then that was it. The last week of school crept up on them, and before they knew it, it was the night of their Leaving Ball.
Even as Hermione dressed for the Ball, she knew Draco would return tonight. It was only right that such an attention-lover would return at such an occasion. The question was what Harry would do when he finally sees Draco again. And what Draco would do when he sees Harry again. She sighed. No use in worrying about it anyway. At least, not consciously worrying about it.
A knock on the door, and her heart sped up just slightly, flushing her cheeks just a little darker as she smoothed out the front of her dress and opened the door. Ron stood, in navy dress robes, holding a bouquet of red roses. "Um," he said, cheeks almost maroon as he thrust the flowers at her with shaking hands. "I didn't know what you like so I just thought I'd get you the traditional ones. You know. They have a freshening charm on them, so they'll keep for a few days. If you don't like them…"
Hermione smiled, accepting the roses. "Thank you, Ron. They're beautiful." She went to lay them on her bed, and she heard Ron almost choke at the door when she turned around, still smiling.
"You look – you look really nice tonight, Hermione."
Her smile grew. "Thank you. You don't look half bad yourself."
Ron's blush deepened, and he extended his right arm towards her. "Shall we?"
Hermione took it as she rose on her toes and kissed Ron on the cheek. "We shall. Thank you again for the roses. I love them."
Ron cleared his throat, pulling at his collar. "Well then. Best be off now, I think. Harry should be waiting for us in the Great Hall already."
---
Ni zhi bu zhi dao
Ni zhi bu zhi dao
Wo deng dao hua er ye xie liao
(Do you know
Do you know
I waited until even the flowers faded)
---
Harry went to get another drink, getting stopped on the way to talk to some of his classmates. The lights had dimmed and music was playing as the dinner tables disappeared to reveal a dance floor.
He stared enviously at the couples swaying, arms wrapped around each other, some with eyes closed, some with foreheads touching as they whispered secret words only meant for the other's ears.
Harry sighed into his glass, draining it and setting it down on a nearby drink stand. He saw Crabbe and Goyle slink around in the shadows, and with a determined gait, he headed towards them.
It was Crabbe who noticed him first, nodding towards him with an, "Oi, Greg, it's Potter."
Goyle turned, eyebrow raised. "Potter."
Harry gave a weak smile. "Hey. So…" He swung his arms back and forth slightly. "…enjoying the Ball?"
Crabbe shrugged and Goyle responded with, "Same as any other we've been to."
"Yeah. So…did you like the dinner?"
Crabbe shrugged and Goyle responded with, "Same as any other we've had here."
"Yeah. So…I guess you guys aren't really going to miss Hogwarts, are you?"
"Potter. Draco isn't back yet."
"I know that," Harry said defensively.
"We don't know when he will either."
"You don't?"
"No."
"Oh."
Crabbe thought for a minute. "But the party's getting settled," he mused. "He should be bursting in just when everyone is nice and comfortable and enjoying themselves."
Harry raised his eyebrows. "Oh."
Goyle sighed. "Typical Draco."
Harry frowned. "That's what Hermione's been saying all day as well." He bounced around a little. "The party's getting settled, right? So he should be back soon, right?"
Crabbe gave him a sideways look. "You aren't settled yet, Harry Potter."
"So?"
Goyle rolled his eyes and Crabbe grunted – was it a laugh? One of these days, Harry would know. But for now, well. "Get settled, Harry Potter," Crabbe said. "Get settled, and he'll come."
"But I –" Someone grabbed onto Harry's elbow then, and jerked him away. He spun around to see Ron, glowering even in the semi-darkness.
"Harry," Ron hissed. "What are you doing, talking to Crabbe and Goyle?"
"Just to talk. What, I can't do that now? I'm not allowed to?" Harry's eyes narrowed as he pulled his arm away defensively.
"I just mean, Harry, they're Crabbe and Goyle. Their fathers are Death Eaters in Azkaban! They're Slytherins!"
"So? They haven't been arrested for Dark activities. Their fathers don't make them, Ron. And what's wrong with them being Slytherins?"
Ron gesticulated wildly. "Be-because!" he stuttered. "They've always made our lives hell. They've always made everyone's lives hell."
"And we haven't done the same for them?" Harry shot back. "The entire school is prejudiced against them; of course they're going to make everyone's lives as hellish as possible!"
Hermione appeared between them just at that moment, and the two of them instantly shut up. "Ron. Harry," she said crisply. "I have no idea what just happened. I don't want to know what just happened. But I don't want you two to argue about something that doesn't matter anymore because we just graduated. Now. Why don't we set this down for now and go enjoy ourselves for one more night? You do realise that half the Gryffindors are worried that something's wrong? Don't you think you're spoiling the night a bit?"
"Fine," Ron grumbled. "Sorry, Harry."
"It's okay. Sorry too, Ron."
Hermione sighed, and held her hand out to Ron. "Come on, don't just stand there. Dance!" She gave Harry a knowing look before leading Ron away to leave him alone with his thoughts.
Harry watched them for a while, watched as Ron gradually relaxed as Hermione spoke to him, occasionally punctuating her words with a poke at his shoulder. It was nice to know that after so long, what's meant to be will eventually find its way to be. He smiled. Maybe he should go find a dance partner too.
He set off, walking randomly around the Great Hall, stopping occasionally to talk, but not yet asking for a dance partner. There was something nagging at him that he just can't quite place.
The heavy wooden doors to the Great Hall were flung open with a bang, and a yellow firelight bathed the entranceway of the Great Hall. The music dwindled away to a stop and for a second, silence filled the room as their eyes only saw a black silhouette.
Silence then gave way to a low hum that buzzed around the room as the students and teachers whispered amongst themselves when Draco Malfoy stepped away from the light, just far enough into the shadows for all to see his face, his all too familiar smirk in place as he tossed his head and his long blond hair rippled just slightly, curling around his arm as the wind from outside blew into the hall.
Harry's heart was frozen and drumming at the same time, blood thundering through his temples until all he could hear was the sound of his own heartbeat. One hand went up to his chest, clutching at his robe as his eyes widened and mouth fell open.
Draco – was this a vision, sent by the Gods to torment – reward him?
Harry nudged his way between a couple who was blocking his view and paused once more. His chest hurt and his hand clutched harder as Draco took one step forward. The uneasy crowd flowed away, leaving a wide berth on all sides of him. But now, there were also more people blocking Draco from him, and Harry suddenly panicked with the illogical thought that Draco would disappear if he lost sight of him.
Too many – too many people between them, and Harry pushed and pushed and didn't bother excusing himself, eyes fixed on Draco's figure, mind awhirl with too many emotions and thoughts and things he wanted planned needed to say.
Draco took another step in, and this time, Harry was able to push himself out of the crowd and he stumbled to a stop before Draco. He was pale – so pale that Harry wondered if he really was just a dream – an illusion transfigured from shards of moonlight.
They stared, unsure of the other, all too certain of themselves. Neither of them wanted to speak first, yet neither wanted to speak last.
The thought of onlookers faded away as they continued staring at each other, Draco's silver eyes like mercury, like a mirror – showing all and yet – nothing.
Harry's mouth was dry, and he frowned slightly with the effort of opening it to speak.
"Draco."
It was all he could manage to whisper.
"Draco."
And then the vision spoke. "Harry," he said. "Harry, I'm back."
To Be Continued…for the last time!
Notes: So there you have it! The second last chapter! Weird feeling. *cries* Don't want it to end. The last chapter will probably be very short. I think I squished a few chapters' worth into this one, but if I had separated them, they would have had a lot of boring detail. So I cut it down to the more important boring details!
Credit for the songs:
Japanese quotations taken from Predilection, sung by I have no idea who, but is on the soundtrack for the anime Gravitation.
"Every body needs a little time away…" – Hard to say I'm sorry by Chicago
"I'll give you everything I am…" – Colour of the Night by Lauren Christy
"Hold me now…" – Hard to say I'm sorry by Chicago
"And I meant every word I said…" – I have absolutely no idea what sung by I have no idea who – this is one of those lyrics that I remember but can't place. Sorry!
"I can't go on running from the past…" – Colour of the Night by Lauren Christy
"Ni zhi bu zhi dao…" – Wo deng dao hua er ye xie lao by Jacky Cheung (cover. It means "I waited until even the flowers faded")
Again, please take some time to read the (more) notes at the bottom. They're about the characters, the plot, the actual writing – might be interesting to know why they're like that, anyhoo. :D
Thank you SO much to everyone who reviewed Part 1, and also to:
Akemi – Believe it or not, I used to be a DBZ fan! Except in Hong Kong they have Cantonese dubs, so I'm not too sure who you're talking about. Is it the pink, round thing with two lines for eyes and a huge appetite? Thank you so much for your review, so so glad to know you're enjoying it so far. Hope you like this part too!
mistykasumi – Eep, only one more to go! I feel so sad and weepy all of a sudden! I'm Chinese, too, la! I believe it's true. That's why cutting hair was such a big thing in Ancient China. They didn't like to cut it at all – much less hack off most of its length…yes, well. I could be wrong! Nothing in this story is supported by facts – anything here is pulled out from memory alone. So, yes. ^.^ Thank you so so much for reading and reviewing!
Aurora,
Callisto Firestarter – Oh, lucky you! I have a feeling I won't get to travel again for quite some time. *sigh*. Wow. Wuuwuu. Maybe Wuuwuu and Booboo could become friends. Have tea. -_-; Hee. Seriously. Your ficlets are SO cute! Funny, too! I don't think this chapter quite lives up to the previous emotional intensity, but I tried, I really did! O.o Hope you enjoy it, even half as much as I enjoy your reviews!
Tsuyuno – Oh my good lord. I can't believe I missed your birthday. Consider this a very very late birthday present then! Hope you like it! Thank you so much for being a long-time reviewer – your support was very important to me and to this story. Thank you!
Playboy Bunny,
chrisseee667,
havelock,
Mi Su,
Anna,
Jezebel,
Shikala,
crimson nightmare - …O.O…O.O…O.O…*speechless* Eeeeeep! First of all – thank you very much for your review! I agree – Harry and Draco are rather blind. Or, rather, *Draco* is blind. Very much so. They'll snap out of it. Now? Next chapter? Hee. We'll see! Hope you like this part!
Milady69,
Queen Vegeta,
mystic-flower – Your review was very sweet – thank you so much for reading and reviewing! Hope you liked this chapter too!
Jubilee – Well, I definitely wouldn't go as far as to say that Harry cheating on Draco *wasn't* Harry's fault, but I guess it was kind of. I don't know. A both ways thing? I feel absolutely the same way as you do about Harry, but I personally *live* for happy endings so I *had* to justify it somehow! Hm. As for Draco, well. Harry got the easy way out. Kinda. Thank you so so so much for your review – and definitely hope your fingernails are nice and long again…by now…*hides* The next chapter shouldn't take so long – I have it planned already! Hope you like this part anyway!
S. Wing – thank you so much! Really, really hope you like this chapter. ^.^
Yoink Daydurfurits,
Bunny-kuo – You're so nice to me, really! Too nice! ^.^ You're so cute, too! LOL. I'm so tremendously glad that seeing an update makes you happy – because the reason why I actually finish stories is mostly (all) because of wonderful reviews like yours! *more tissues* For your month-old tears. *sigh*. Ah well.
Amy-la,
Cheyseri@aol.com,
TanisaFyre – I have lots of tissues! Even though this part wasn't so weepy. Maybe this time I went for quantity instead of quality? No idea! Hope you liked, regardless! So so so sorry for putting this out late!
Liliku,
real bluefalls dark.ness,
queenofgondor21 – well, at the end of the last chapter when Draco got hurt, I think he just realised his feelings all of a sudden. Er, I think. What do you think?
The Insane Floo Pot – You are seriously one of the most encouraging reviewers ever! The not-so-little nudges help, too! The thing about the Chinese is supposed to be real. Makes sense logically, too. Eep. I say 'thank you' a million times, but I bet it still wouldn't be enough. The next chapter is the last – and I'm hoping for an "oh God, I'm in Candyland" type finish. It shouldn't take long – it should be done by the first week of July. Mostly because all my exams are this week (OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD) which leaves me ample time afterwards to sleep (haven't slept for DAYS), write, sleep, and write some more into the wee hours of morning! Thank you so much for your review, and definitely hope you enjoy this chapter.
Glow – As to whether or not they'll get back together…you'll have to see! But I did promise a happy ending…! Thank you so much for reading!
Silmarien – My characters (Harry and Draco) aren't very likeable, are they? But that's okay! Because people in real life are stupid, too. Perhaps even more *glares off to my right* Yes! Well. Hope you like this chapter just as much as the last one, and thank you so so much for your review!
throbbing-squirm – The hair is back! And it wasn't supposed to be very short after he cut it. Around chin-length, I suppose? The happy end is in the next chapter…! Hope you liked this chapter, and definitely hope you'll like the next (the last, too!).
Anita Blake – eeek. Late update. Again. Sorry!!! Thank you so so so much for your wonderful "Oh my gosh"-es! Hope you enjoyed this part!
Klea,
Aurenne,
Lia Santana,
I Am The Bunny Slayer,
jeannie81 – It *is* going to get better! Have to get to the happy ending eventually :D Not so much torture here – well, except on Harry's part. Hope you enjoyed this chapter and thank you for reading!
xing@fanfiction.net (Anonymous reviewers),
TheUnknownJedi,
Alura,
Marie McBride,
Ladyblondhair,
coriander – Oh, I feel the same way about long hair! I felt terrible for cutting Draco's hair, but at least it wasn't too short. And we all know he'll look sexy anyway, hee. People just call me weird when I say I like happy endings. Huh. Hope you liked this part! One more to go!
elfee,
Lotta,
Dracavia,
antarianprincess,
YG,
Krystal,
Kitori,
Sunday,
Anne Phoenix,
frizzy – Hee! Well, this is a bit different from Harry healing him, but, well, hope it worked out okay, too! Thank you so so so much for your review and hope you enjoy this chapter too!
Tasha,
demongirl,
musegirl18,
UltraHighDragonFly – Oh, you're so sweet! *hands tissues* I'm so so glad you like it, and I really am very sorry about my horrible updating habits…! Hope you like this chapter too!
KittenBabyGirl,
obsidian
Lottalita – Eep, sorry to make you wait even longer for this part! But hope it was (long) enough to make it okay! Leatherpants!Draco is definitely a thought. Heeheehee. And no, you weren't babbling! Thank you so much for your review!
Lunadeath
J-J
Gryffindor1
Nix – I definitely don't mind you translating this story – Please please send me the link when you're done? I'll appreciate it very much. Thank you!
MOI
PEACHDANCER82
Phoenix Tears – Your review was so sweet, thank you! I'm Chinese too, and very proud of it. Our symbolism is very very interesting, I think. So why not add some into a story? Hee. I know that people used to have long hair in Western societies but was never sure why. So I just stuck the Chinese explanation in. Hee! Extra long chapter – apologies for the extra long wait! -_-
SparkySparkles,
Lilyria Ali – Girl, you made this chapter *happen*! Thank you *so* much for the short-notice beta job – you did *great*! So so great! I couldn't thank you enough, seriously! I have a feeling the email I sent you was weird. Sorry! Still have to work on sleeping. No time, no time! Too much to study, *sigh*. I actually fell asleep at the dinner table and my mom thought I'd died or something. Hee. Thank you so so so much for being such a faithful reader and reviewer and being so fun!
blackunicorn – completely agree. Love is immensely fickle. Thank you for reviewing, and hope you enjoyed this part!
BurningSilence
Jennifer01
Epitome of Narcissism
Celtic Flame – Ooh! Imagine – me a favourite author! Thank you thank you thank you! Really really hope you enjoy this chapter just as much, and thank you so much for your sweet sweet review!
Lady Malfoy
Mrs. Souma Akito
c – Love your name, by the way. Thank you so much for your review – hope you liked this one too :D
JumpyPUNKyMonKey – Being a distraction is a good thing! I get distracted a lot -_- I know this is kinda (really) late, but hope your physics homework went well!
Leanie – You know what? Your review is a very concise summary of this entire Part 2. Wow! Hope you like this chapter as much as the others, and thank you for reviewing!
anon – Update's here! Thank you for reviewing…hope the suspense managed to last this long…oops.
scary stalker person – Yay! First death threat! Awesome. Yes, I'm weird!! Thank you so much for reading and especially reviewing. So so glad you like it!
Misako – Oh my gosh. Your review just made my day. I am so incredibly serious. For you to put me on the same level as a fic that I practically worship by an author that I practically worship, it is just too amazing for words. I seriously hope this chapter meets up to your expectations. Thank you *so. much* for your review!
Draconian – Um. Draco didn't shave his head, per se. I love his hair a tiny bit too much (fetish!) for me to do that to him! Thank you so so so much for your review, and really really hope you like this part.
Alexis Sunday – Oh! New reader! Thank you so much for giving this a chance, even though you were, uh, 'made' to! Hope the plot didn't keep you up too many nights, knowing my record as an updater *wince* - but I'm very very happy to hear that this story made such an impression on you. Thank you, and hope you keep reading! (not much longer to go!)
thrintje – Thank you for your review! Not much longer – the next chapter is the last. But, again, knowing my history with updating. Hum!
Meemo - Thank you so much for reading! Your review was amazing and I thank you so much for saying all those wonderful things. The thing about the Christmas attack – I can't write action properly, so I just dropped hints (a couple of sentences) here and there…I don't think I'll write it because I can't really see what happened (not even in my own twisted imagination)…I'm so glad you like Booboo. I didn't know he was such a controversial character, so thank you!
The One With Hope – Sorry for the lateness, heehee. Hope you liked this chapter, and thank you for your review! ^.^
Ceorl Greysky – Thank you so so so so so so much for your review! You're too sweet, really! Sex is. Well. I'm sure they think about it enough on their own, I just never put it in here. Hee. Your review was very easy to read, very concise, and oh, I'm so happy that you like it! Thank you again, and really hope you like this part too.
Anonymous – Thank you for your very frank review. I really appreciate the fact that you like this story enough to bother reviewing it all. You inspired me to explain about the characterisations and so I hope that you will read them and maybe understand where I'm coming from, even if you don't agree with it ^^
jean – Yay, new reader! So happy that you gave this story a chance! As for what happened with Voldemort, I don't think I'll write a detailed account of that. I have hinted at it in Part 2, but I don't think I'll say exactly what happened or what Draco did – I don't write action well, hee. Thank you very much for your review!
yuyin – Thank you so much for
reading and reviewing – hope you like this part!
Rebuky – Oh! *hands tissues* I
like to think crying is a good thing when writing angst, so thank you! The end
is nigh…not much further to go. ^^ Thank you very much for your review and hope
you enjoyed reading this chapter!
Elenora – LOL! Nothing to be sorry for. I understand Booboo is very controversial, and I honestly have no idea why I wrote him in. But after I did, it looked fun, so I kept him in. ^^ I'm willing to say it's a happy ending because I myself turn away from stories where the authors warn of unhappy endings – and I don't want that to happen here. Some people are looking for sad endings – this is half an angst story after all – and so I just like them to know so they could be prepared. Thank you so much for your review, and hope you like this chapter!
Xander R. – Thank you! Little makes me happier than when people say they like my writing style. All through secondary school I had English teachers who hated my writing style, so I'm rather insecure about it, hee. And you're right – killing Draco would mean I would have to resurrect him somehow, LOL, and besides. Killing him off is so…common! Er, well, for me at least. Hope you're enjoying the rest of this fic, and thank you very very much for your review!
*If there's anyone I missed due to the problems with ff.net, then I'm sorry, but I love you for reading anyway!*
---
Stuff in the story: -
Booboo:
Booboo is Draco's childhood toy. He is a SuperToy – a toy that is capable of memory, thought, speech and emotion. Draco has had it since he was born, but was only able to activate Booboo when he learnt how to speak. As can be imagined, Draco got very attached to it and has therefore been unable to drop his old ways when playing/conversing with his teddy bear, hence calling himself "Moomoo" and actually playing with Booboo at all. I have received comments that having Booboo around makes Draco too OOC, and I both agree and disagree to a certain extent. I agree – Draco seems too soft, too maternal, and too feminine (ugh!) around his bear. But shouldn't it be only right if he has kept a childhood toy that grew with him, was the equivalent of having a very young child of your own all these years? And yes, it is perhaps OOC for him to have actually kept the bear, but because of Big Dark (below), it seems rather reasonable that Draco would want something to hold onto, something to soothe him when he's alone in his room at night, even after 'growing up'. And what better than a teddy bear? A walking, talking, loving teddy bear?
Booboo and Draco have a mother-child, master-servant relationship – a bit of both, if you will. A bit like Sam and Frodo in JRR Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, with Draco as the master – making Booboo run errands for him, such as retrieving his dinner when he wanted to keep away from Harry, and they both taking care of the other. Booboo runs in circles like a headless chicken whenever there's something wrong with Draco, and Draco ultimately turns to Booboo for some much needed TLC.
And yes. Booboo *is* disturbing because everything in regards to the Malfoy family is supposed to be a bit disturbing. Their house, while palatial, has a bit of creepiness to all its grandeur. Lucius – well. Narcissa – doting mother. Perhaps a bit too much. She loves and spoils Draco to a point where she's rather a freaky person – just look at how compliant she is to every single one of Draco's (sometimes unreasonable) demands. Draco himself is also just a little disturbing. All in all – they're weird. They're kind of freaky. They're not quite normal. And things like Booboo become strange as well because it is a Malfoy toy. I hope you get this rather incoherent ramble.
Big Dark:
You might not remember this, but it's actually really important for Draco's characterisation. It appeared in chapter 16, or Part 2 chapter 1. It stemmed from this idea I had: Lucius was abusive, but didn't find it worth his effort to actually place hexes/curses on his son. Not to mention, Dark Curses/Hexes (in my mind) leave scars – physical scars (except for the Forbidden Curses). So, instead, Lucius locked Draco into a room with no light, no windows, no nothing. Of course, this doesn't explain why Draco goes completely crazy inside. There were a lot of spells placed on the room so that its captive would feel fear, endless all consuming fear. Hopelessness, too. All those negative feelings that could drive someone crazy. A bit like Dementors, except the room didn't bring up your worst memory, it'd just keep hammering you with fear and intense claustrophobia. Lucius believed that scaring Draco would make a better man of him. Unfortunately, it didn't quite work that way. Draco's been forced into that room since he turned three and learnt how to walk and talk properly. It was part of the home-schooling Draco received as a child. Instead of detentions, he'd be put into that room. As Draco got older, he learnt how to conduct himself as Lucius wished, but of course, he was never perfect. The sessions inside the room gradually grew further and further apart, but the effects on Draco worsened as he grew older. The effect of the time he spent inside the room at Christmas broke Draco, finally, but more about that later (look below!).
Overall, I wish I could explain this concept better, but I'm not that great with words (when explaining) so I don't know if you actually understand what I mean about the Big Dark. Hope you do, anyway!
Draco:
Draco's practically the poster child for child abuse – mentally and (practically) physically, both in canon and in movie-verse and certainly in this little story. On the outside, he was as his father wants him to be – cold, cruel, and a rather calloused character. There is a reason why Draco's character seems so much altered from Part 1 – mostly because of the trauma induced during the events at Christmas, as well as discovering Harry's (one) infidelity. He actually loves Harry very much but is afraid to admit it, having been drilled into him that love is a weakness. Before Harry's little incident with Justin, Draco was already on the verge of a nervous breakdown, consuming extremely potent alcohol and missing sleep. A combination of this gave him headaches (mentioned by Harry in Part 2, Chapter 5) – headaches that were extremely severe, sometimes rendering him void of all his senses save for pain. The only thing that kept him going was Harry. Harry's love. Mentioned very, very briefly was little gestures of Harry's love for Draco (sending chocolate and roses every day, sending love notes during class. Part 1, Chapter 14. Cheesy, but Draco's never received such affection before.) So anyway. Things were starting to fall apart even before Justin happened, but Draco ignored all the signs, mostly because of the side-effects of the Malfoy-brewed-alcohol.
You've seen in the beginning of Part 2 how Draco was in a sort of catatonia – his mind had been so affected by the time spent in the Big Dark after his party (probably only a few hours in total) that he had remained delirious after Narcissa let him out. After remaining so for nine days (at Hogwarts), Draco was weak and mentally exhausted and broken. Booboo became a very important factor in keeping Draco stable after Narcissa left – she couldn't very well remain at Hogwarts because she was still a parent.
I mentioned this above, but I think I should talk a bit more about it. Draco liked Harry for a long time, even before the story begins. He is a very jealous character – you see this in Part 1 (the beginning chapters) where Draco is irrationally jealous about Ginny – even though he doesn't know if they are even together. When he started his relationship with Harry, he fell in love – quickly and deeply. Harry was his support – he was there when Draco received his letters from his parents, and he was there throughout it all. Draco's actions before Christmas were rather (okay, okay…very) self-destructive and his diminishing show of affection succeeded in pushing Harry away. Perhaps Draco subconsciously did it because he was terrified of what would happen at the Death Eater initiation – what if it didn't work – what if he was made to become a Death Eater? He didn't believe that his relationship with Harry would be plausible if it had happened – the suspicion and secrets would come between them. He also didn't want Harry to find his growing addiction to his father's alcohol. I suppose he wanted to keep it from Harry in the way an anorexic would hide their eating patterns.
I think Draco would have been a very sweet and loving boy if it were not for his father. His father and the Big Dark influenced him in ways that were completely unnatural to his emotional and mental development. Draco is precocious and this was mentioned before, as an introduction to the chapter, where it mentions Draco being very clean during his lessons at home – his learning in Potions was mentioned specifically. He's had training before Hogwarts so he is well beyond the level of a secondary school student, and with Lucius as he primary teacher, he is well versed in the Dark Arts.
Why Draco cries so much in Part 2: Mental, emotional, nervous breakdown. The Big Dark, the immense feeling of Harry's betrayal, the pain of his own love for Harry that simply refuses to die, the fear that finally envelopes him when he tried so hard to suppress it while training for the Christmas Eve attack – it just gets too much. The reason why Draco from Part 1 and Part 2 is so different is because of the huge trauma that occurred on the night of his birthday. I don't think my words do my thoughts justice, but it's the only way I can explain it. The Big Dark, the fear from the initiation, his unstable mental health and his dubious physical health are all factors in Draco's character. I don't like to think he's weak because of what he's been through – his past and recent history.
Why Draco reverted back to calling Harry "Potter" for a while: He was trying to distance himself, whether in thought or in speech. As I go from different character POV's, I try to write as they would think, even though it's written in third person – and for Draco, during that time, he thought of Harry as "Potter" to try and quench his feelings for him.
Never once have I said that Draco is weaker than Crabbe or Goyle. I prefer to think of Crabbe and Goyle as his friends – stupid, but his friends nonetheless. I've written a scene of them together at eight, and I had hoped that you would see the camaraderie even at that age. Now in their seventh year of secondary school, it is only logical that they should all be that much closer to each other, care for each other that much more, know each other that much better. I recognise that Draco is the dominant one, and even though I may not have shown that so well in Part 2, I certainly hope that I didn't put Draco across as being weak. Crabbe and Goyle do take care of him – but when it comes to decision making, they let Draco handle that himself. They take care of him in terms of healing his cuts, taking him to bed when he's passed out…stuff like that. They worry and they care because they're friends. They certainly do not claim to have any control or dominance over Draco and, again, I hope I didn't put them across as dominant. They're friends, that's all.
Harry:
Harry loves Draco so much he's lost himself. The reason for falling so deep - well. He hungered, desired, wanted Draco for so long, and seeing the softer side of Draco (violin!) only strengthened all those feelings that had been borne even when Draco was still the heartless bastard that he had known all his Hogwarts life.
He loves Draco, and I must say I admire him for not getting cross with Draco when he was being so difficult during December – the time when Draco was abusing himself, and being harsh, cold, and hurtful, above all else. Their relationship at this point was falling apart (have I said this already?!) but he loved Draco so much that he accommodated all of Draco's moods and continued to show his affection. You can't get a more loving boyfriend than him. BUT! Draco's mental and emotional state around the time meant that he was too lost in his own world to notice that Harry wasn't receiving enough affection. And if there is one thing Harry needs, it's love. Being an orphan and having been raised by the Dursleys, I would think that Harry was affection-starved. He becomes very attached to both his best friends, he becomes attached to Hagrid, to Dumbledore, to Sirius…we see this in canon because Harry treasures affection from loved ones. And when the one he loves most of all, Draco, isn't giving him any, he becomes starved for his lover's love and was therefore easily led astray.
Maybe I feel like torturing Harry subconsciously for cheating on Draco? Is this maybe why I feel as if Harry can't be happy, can't put this down, can't even try to forget about Draco? Or is it because I want him to love Draco so much that the very thought of being without him terrifies him and breaks his heart? I like to believe that Harry, who's more in tune with his feelings, knows deep down that Draco is The One – and maybe that's why he tries so hard. Too hard, perhaps, but that's the point. He cheated, and this is the only way he could prove to Draco that he still loves him. If Harry didn't try so hard, he knows that Draco will be wilful enough to show indifference no matter what he may actually feel inside. And Harry knows that Draco doesn't give second chances, and that's why he's fighting for one. This is a struggle of emotional willpower – see who breaks first: Will it be Harry, who, upon seeing the damage done, realises that it is impossible for them to get back together and therefore give up? Or will it be Draco, who, seeing how persistent Harry is, realise that Harry does love him after all and get to his senses and live out his happily ever after with Harry?
Harry loves Draco like he's never loved another. He believes it is worth fighting for, because this is It. That's why he tries so hard.
Anything else:
Tell me, and I'll put it in the next update!
Till next time!
