Magician's Note: Bonjour, T2Mers, and all other readers who may have
stumbled into my madness! Now that I've actually seen the sequel to the
cyber-punk masterpiece of the brothers Wachowski, (Five times, no less.
Yes, I am a geek.) I feel a bit more capable of accurately parodying it.
Well...sort of.
Just roll with me.
In no particular order...
Andrew Joshua Talon as the Gothic trench coat wearin', ass-kickin' lord of cyberspace, NEO!
Tori Yuki Ichimura as the uber-hot, Kung Fu bitch-slapping dominatrix of The Animatrix, TRINITY!
Christopher Magician as the swankiest, most irresistibly sinister villain this side of Darth Vader, AGENT SMITH!
Silver Raye Adams, reprising her role (again because I can think of no one better to play him), as the roundabout-answer-giving, katana-wielding, SUV slicin' leader of La Resistance, MORPHEUS!
Howard Wells (aka Taro MD) as the powerful, merciless, slick-as-ice-and- twice-as-cool criminal mastermind, THE MEROVINGIAN!
And now, without further adieu...The Matrix: Regurgitated! Again!
(Talon and Tori are hanging around on the dark bridge of the Lollipop, playing a game of Go Fish. As usually, Talon is losing.)
TORI: Let me see...do you have any...threes?
TALON: HA! No, I do NOT! Go fucking FISH, beeyatch!
TORI: Okay. (She takes a card, bringing her total to two. Talon has forty.) Do you have any queens?
TALON: Shit. Yes. (He hands her a card.)
TORI: Goood. Now, lemme think...
TALON: (Pleadingly) Be merciful.
TORI: No. Gimme the boxers.
TALON: You are SO screwed when we get back into the Matrix and I can make things explode. (He hands her his boxers.) This is the last time I play 'Strip Fish' with you.
TORI: We'll see. Now, go get me some juice, monkey-boy. (Talon walks off, grumbling.)
SILVER: (Tromps on-screen from someplace out of camera range.) Well, I got us some special effects money.
(Tori cheers as lights all over the Lollipop spring to life. She pauses when Silver's face remains grumpy.)
TORI: What's wrong? If you got FX funding, we're back in business, right?
SILVER: Not exactly. I had to pull a few strings...make some deals.
TORI: Uh...okay. What did you agree to?
SILVER: Well, apparently the last chapter made some studio executives angry with its inaccuracy. They want us to redo the movie so that it isn't so stupid.
TORI: Oh. Well, that doesn't sound so bad. We just have to stick to the script a little better this time, right?
SILVER: Something like that. Ready?
TORI: Sure!
(We cut to a nifty scene all full of Matrix code. It reforms into a clock, then goes into a scene with some security guards. All at once, Tori flies off a nearby building on a motorcycle. She leaps off mid-air, does some sweet aerial acrobatics, then lands in a ridiculously fan-servicey pose.)
RANDOM GUARD: Oh...shit!
TORI: Ass whuppin' time, boys! (She proceeds to beat the fuck out of the guards with her motorcycle helmet. They die.) Yeah! What's my name, bitch? Say my name!
RANDOM GUARD: (Is dead)
TORI: Hmph.
(The scene dissolves into Matrix code again. This time, it reforms into a bird's-eye view of two skyscrapers. Seconds later, Tori, followed by an Agent, explode out from a window, firing loads of high-powered ordnance at each other.)
TORI: Wheeee-ha! Die, fuck-bunny!
AGENT: (Glower)
TORI: Haha-wait...is that a car? (Smashes into the car and dies.) FUCK!!!
TALON: (Wakes up with a gasp. He is in bed with Tori, who is sleeping safely. We skip ahead eight or ten scenes to something interesting.)
TARO: Ah, ze great Morpheus! A pleasure to meet you! And Neo...I thought you vould be taller. Tree-nity, (spouts lots of random French crap), and so on and so forth.
TALON: I'm cool. Do what I say.
SILVER: I'm cool too. Do what I say.
TORI: I can kill you with my kneecap. Do what I say.
TARO: Ah...I zink not. You come to me seeking ze Keymaker, yes?
ALL: Well duh.
TARO: Vell, zerin lies ze problem. You see, ze Keymaker is a means to and end, not an end in himself. Zerefore, you have no purpose. Check out that hot blonde over zere. I sent her zis fucked-up slice of cake that will make her do strange and ungodly things to the first person she sees.
BLONDE: (Sees Silver)
SILVER: Oh shit.
BLONDE: (Mauls Silver)
TALON: Uh...is it wrong for me to be aroused by this?
TORI and TARO: Yes.
TALON: Just checking.
SILVER: Medic...
(We skip ahead to the awesome car chase. With 'Mona Lisa Overdrive' blaring, Silver and Tori shoot along the highway, avoiding Agents and the Twins.)
SILVER: Wheeee! This is SO much fun!
TORI: You sure recovered fast. If I got jumped by some random chick, I'd be in therapy for a month!
SILVER: AaaCh! (Has a catastrophic relapse of post-traumatic stress syndrome. The car bounces all over the highway, taking out pedestrians and camera crews, as well as most of the Agents.)
TORI: I am SO out of this car! (Grabs the Keymaker, jacks a motorcycle, and drives backwards through oncoming traffic.) Now this is the way to ride! Right, Keymaker?
...
TORI: Keymaker? (Looks over her shoulder; the Keymaker, obviously having fallen off the bike, is sitting in a dazed little heap a few hundred yards back.) Oh. Whoops. (He gets run over by a semi.) Uh...double-whoops.
(The first semi crashes into a second semi. They make a big, multi-million dollar kablooie. Talon flies down and saves Silver just in time. We skip ahead a few more reels.)
CHRISTOPHER: I'm sorry, gentlemen, but this is a dead end.
SILVER: Ah, hell.
TALON: Smitty!
CHRISTOPHER: You look surprised to see me, Mr. Anderson! Again!
TALON: I'm just wondering how the hell you got in here...isn't this a bit of a plot hole?
CHRISTOPHER: Nope. If anyone notices it, Larry and Andy just have them shot. They're that rich now.
TALON: Huh...
CHRISTOPHER: Anywho--- (Rams his hand into Silver's side and starts to turn her into another Agent Smith.)
TALON: (Very, very dramatically) Morpheus!
SILVER: Stop! Hahahaha! That-heehee!-that tickles!
CHRISTOPHER: That's right, baldy! Ph34r the 7!c||i|\|g!
TALON: What? Was that l33t?
CHRISTOPHER: 4rg! 5y573m |\/|3|7d0|/\|n!
SILVER: He's devolving into a L33t 4gent! Run for it!
(They run like hell, clear out of the plot. Along the way, Talon finds a puppy. He names it Cooper and takes it back to the Lollipop.)
SILVER: (After having jacked-out of the Matrix.) Sheesh...l33t can be pretty scary.
TALON: Sure can.
COOPER: Yip!
TORI: PUPPY!!! (She glomps Cooper, who licks her a lot.)
TALON: So, you're feeling better now, right, Silver?
SILVER: Yeah, sure. What do you mean?
TALON: Just that whole thing with the blonde back at The Merovingian's restaurant. Getting mauled...all that.
SILVER: AaaaCCaacH! (Has another relapse.)
(At this point, the screen freezes up. Larry and Andy Wachowski walk out, both smiling and wearing very expensive Superman t-shirts.)
LARRY: Hey there, everyone! I'm Larry!
ANDY: And I'm Andy! We're two of the richest directors in Hollywood at the moment, thanks to your money! (They chuckle and high-five.) Anyway, we'd just like to remind you all to come on back for the next installment of Tales of the Rotten.
LARRY: Uh...you mean The Matrix, don't you Andy?
ANDY: What? Yeah, of course. What did I say?
LARRY: You said 'Tales of the Rotten'.
ANDY: Oh, right...that's the Love Hina Fanfic by Christopher Magician, isn't it?
LARRY: Sure is! It's a funny one, too! As of August fifth, two-thousand and three it had almost fifty reviews!
ANDY: Gosh, that's impressive! It must be a really good story! In fact, I think I'll go read it right now!
LARRY: Me too, Andy! Me too!
(They chuckle again, then walk off to read Tales of the Rotten.)
ANNOUNCER: Kids, now you too can read Tales of the Rotten on your own browsers, via the miracle of the World Wide Web! Just follow the link below! But be careful-don't let your mommies see you looking at this naughty shit!
Well...sort of.
Just roll with me.
In no particular order...
Andrew Joshua Talon as the Gothic trench coat wearin', ass-kickin' lord of cyberspace, NEO!
Tori Yuki Ichimura as the uber-hot, Kung Fu bitch-slapping dominatrix of The Animatrix, TRINITY!
Christopher Magician as the swankiest, most irresistibly sinister villain this side of Darth Vader, AGENT SMITH!
Silver Raye Adams, reprising her role (again because I can think of no one better to play him), as the roundabout-answer-giving, katana-wielding, SUV slicin' leader of La Resistance, MORPHEUS!
Howard Wells (aka Taro MD) as the powerful, merciless, slick-as-ice-and- twice-as-cool criminal mastermind, THE MEROVINGIAN!
And now, without further adieu...The Matrix: Regurgitated! Again!
(Talon and Tori are hanging around on the dark bridge of the Lollipop, playing a game of Go Fish. As usually, Talon is losing.)
TORI: Let me see...do you have any...threes?
TALON: HA! No, I do NOT! Go fucking FISH, beeyatch!
TORI: Okay. (She takes a card, bringing her total to two. Talon has forty.) Do you have any queens?
TALON: Shit. Yes. (He hands her a card.)
TORI: Goood. Now, lemme think...
TALON: (Pleadingly) Be merciful.
TORI: No. Gimme the boxers.
TALON: You are SO screwed when we get back into the Matrix and I can make things explode. (He hands her his boxers.) This is the last time I play 'Strip Fish' with you.
TORI: We'll see. Now, go get me some juice, monkey-boy. (Talon walks off, grumbling.)
SILVER: (Tromps on-screen from someplace out of camera range.) Well, I got us some special effects money.
(Tori cheers as lights all over the Lollipop spring to life. She pauses when Silver's face remains grumpy.)
TORI: What's wrong? If you got FX funding, we're back in business, right?
SILVER: Not exactly. I had to pull a few strings...make some deals.
TORI: Uh...okay. What did you agree to?
SILVER: Well, apparently the last chapter made some studio executives angry with its inaccuracy. They want us to redo the movie so that it isn't so stupid.
TORI: Oh. Well, that doesn't sound so bad. We just have to stick to the script a little better this time, right?
SILVER: Something like that. Ready?
TORI: Sure!
(We cut to a nifty scene all full of Matrix code. It reforms into a clock, then goes into a scene with some security guards. All at once, Tori flies off a nearby building on a motorcycle. She leaps off mid-air, does some sweet aerial acrobatics, then lands in a ridiculously fan-servicey pose.)
RANDOM GUARD: Oh...shit!
TORI: Ass whuppin' time, boys! (She proceeds to beat the fuck out of the guards with her motorcycle helmet. They die.) Yeah! What's my name, bitch? Say my name!
RANDOM GUARD: (Is dead)
TORI: Hmph.
(The scene dissolves into Matrix code again. This time, it reforms into a bird's-eye view of two skyscrapers. Seconds later, Tori, followed by an Agent, explode out from a window, firing loads of high-powered ordnance at each other.)
TORI: Wheeee-ha! Die, fuck-bunny!
AGENT: (Glower)
TORI: Haha-wait...is that a car? (Smashes into the car and dies.) FUCK!!!
TALON: (Wakes up with a gasp. He is in bed with Tori, who is sleeping safely. We skip ahead eight or ten scenes to something interesting.)
TARO: Ah, ze great Morpheus! A pleasure to meet you! And Neo...I thought you vould be taller. Tree-nity, (spouts lots of random French crap), and so on and so forth.
TALON: I'm cool. Do what I say.
SILVER: I'm cool too. Do what I say.
TORI: I can kill you with my kneecap. Do what I say.
TARO: Ah...I zink not. You come to me seeking ze Keymaker, yes?
ALL: Well duh.
TARO: Vell, zerin lies ze problem. You see, ze Keymaker is a means to and end, not an end in himself. Zerefore, you have no purpose. Check out that hot blonde over zere. I sent her zis fucked-up slice of cake that will make her do strange and ungodly things to the first person she sees.
BLONDE: (Sees Silver)
SILVER: Oh shit.
BLONDE: (Mauls Silver)
TALON: Uh...is it wrong for me to be aroused by this?
TORI and TARO: Yes.
TALON: Just checking.
SILVER: Medic...
(We skip ahead to the awesome car chase. With 'Mona Lisa Overdrive' blaring, Silver and Tori shoot along the highway, avoiding Agents and the Twins.)
SILVER: Wheeee! This is SO much fun!
TORI: You sure recovered fast. If I got jumped by some random chick, I'd be in therapy for a month!
SILVER: AaaCh! (Has a catastrophic relapse of post-traumatic stress syndrome. The car bounces all over the highway, taking out pedestrians and camera crews, as well as most of the Agents.)
TORI: I am SO out of this car! (Grabs the Keymaker, jacks a motorcycle, and drives backwards through oncoming traffic.) Now this is the way to ride! Right, Keymaker?
...
TORI: Keymaker? (Looks over her shoulder; the Keymaker, obviously having fallen off the bike, is sitting in a dazed little heap a few hundred yards back.) Oh. Whoops. (He gets run over by a semi.) Uh...double-whoops.
(The first semi crashes into a second semi. They make a big, multi-million dollar kablooie. Talon flies down and saves Silver just in time. We skip ahead a few more reels.)
CHRISTOPHER: I'm sorry, gentlemen, but this is a dead end.
SILVER: Ah, hell.
TALON: Smitty!
CHRISTOPHER: You look surprised to see me, Mr. Anderson! Again!
TALON: I'm just wondering how the hell you got in here...isn't this a bit of a plot hole?
CHRISTOPHER: Nope. If anyone notices it, Larry and Andy just have them shot. They're that rich now.
TALON: Huh...
CHRISTOPHER: Anywho--- (Rams his hand into Silver's side and starts to turn her into another Agent Smith.)
TALON: (Very, very dramatically) Morpheus!
SILVER: Stop! Hahahaha! That-heehee!-that tickles!
CHRISTOPHER: That's right, baldy! Ph34r the 7!c||i|\|g!
TALON: What? Was that l33t?
CHRISTOPHER: 4rg! 5y573m |\/|3|7d0|/\|n!
SILVER: He's devolving into a L33t 4gent! Run for it!
(They run like hell, clear out of the plot. Along the way, Talon finds a puppy. He names it Cooper and takes it back to the Lollipop.)
SILVER: (After having jacked-out of the Matrix.) Sheesh...l33t can be pretty scary.
TALON: Sure can.
COOPER: Yip!
TORI: PUPPY!!! (She glomps Cooper, who licks her a lot.)
TALON: So, you're feeling better now, right, Silver?
SILVER: Yeah, sure. What do you mean?
TALON: Just that whole thing with the blonde back at The Merovingian's restaurant. Getting mauled...all that.
SILVER: AaaaCCaacH! (Has another relapse.)
(At this point, the screen freezes up. Larry and Andy Wachowski walk out, both smiling and wearing very expensive Superman t-shirts.)
LARRY: Hey there, everyone! I'm Larry!
ANDY: And I'm Andy! We're two of the richest directors in Hollywood at the moment, thanks to your money! (They chuckle and high-five.) Anyway, we'd just like to remind you all to come on back for the next installment of Tales of the Rotten.
LARRY: Uh...you mean The Matrix, don't you Andy?
ANDY: What? Yeah, of course. What did I say?
LARRY: You said 'Tales of the Rotten'.
ANDY: Oh, right...that's the Love Hina Fanfic by Christopher Magician, isn't it?
LARRY: Sure is! It's a funny one, too! As of August fifth, two-thousand and three it had almost fifty reviews!
ANDY: Gosh, that's impressive! It must be a really good story! In fact, I think I'll go read it right now!
LARRY: Me too, Andy! Me too!
(They chuckle again, then walk off to read Tales of the Rotten.)
ANNOUNCER: Kids, now you too can read Tales of the Rotten on your own browsers, via the miracle of the World Wide Web! Just follow the link below! But be careful-don't let your mommies see you looking at this naughty shit!
