Disclaimer: I don't own them, I'm just borrowing them!
Set After Coda: What would happen if Chakotay told the Kathryn in his arms his true feelings?
Kathryn Janeway sat on the couch in her quarters, the past few days had been hell. Pure and absolute hell.
The scene played in her head over and over again, it was like it was a broken record, never stopping, always spinning around in her mind. Nothing could keep her mind off of it. Whenever she saw him, she didn't know what to say, didn't know how to act. All she would see was him, crying and holding onto her dead body.
*Flash to Memory*
"Kathryn, don't die! Breathe damn it, breathe!" He was screaming, getting hysterical, he was clinging onto her body, trying to bring her back from the dead. She didn't understand. She was standing right there, looking at him, but when she tried to touch him, her hand passed right through him. It was as if she didn't exist.
She looked at him clutching onto her dead body, crying into the air.
"Why, oh spirits, Kathryn why did you have to die? YOU CAN'T DIE...Kathryn, spirits, I love you so much, come back please, don't do this to me. I can't live my life without you, I can't do it Kathryn, please, wake up..."
He was shaking her lifeless body, he didn't know what to do anymore. There was nothing left in him. He looked deflated...
*Back in her quarters*
Tears fell down her face as the scene filled her head. She could see it whenever she closed her eyes, whenever she lost focus, whenever she wasn't trying to fix something, or wasn't in crisis mode. There was nothing she could do to get the image out of her head.
Her death hurt him that much.
It was hard for her to think of it. To think that he cared so much to sit and cry and shout to the heavens or whoever was listening to bring her back. "I can't live my life without you..." Those words... those words struck her.
She couldn't live her life without him either.
If there was something she had learned, she had learned to open up to her emotions and let herself see what her life would be like without him. It was empty, gray, a nothingness that consumed her thought and made her wake up screaming.
Chakotay had been so understanding, letting her have her space, thinking that the death itself was what was keeping her away.
If only he knew.
If only she could tell him that she saw everything that happened, to tell him that she felt the same...
She couldn't do that. Wouldn't do that.
It would give her a weakness, something that she couldn't have. Anything that would cloud her judgment on away missions, or dangerous operations was something she could not pursue. She was stuck in the delta quadrant after all...where would she turn if things went badly? What kind of example would she be setting for all of those poor souls who had left their husbands, wives and children behind? That she would get them home, but have her own happiness put before their feelings? She couldn't do it. She couldn't be put in the position where her personal feelings clouded her command judgment.
Why is it so hard to let go of him, and give up on the thought that one day that protocol wouldn't matter and she'd be free to be with him? It wouldn't happen. Not out here in the Delta Quadrant. If they had been back in the Alpha Quadrant she would be able to pursue at least something with him, but that would be another 70 years, if they were lucky.
She got up from the couch and went to replicate some coffee. She wandered over to her desk, sat down and began to record a personal log. She tried to start talking, and then realized it would be easier to get her thoughts out if she were talking to Chakotay through the screen.
"Chakotay,
There's so much that I wish I could say to you. There is so much I have left unsaid for so many reasons. First off, I want to tell you why I've been so distant from you ever since we came back from that away mission that "cost me my life" so to speak...Chakotay, I saw you gripping onto my dead body, crying," tears welled in her eyes as she spoke, "you were screaming Chakotay...screaming for me to wake up," she was sobbing on the screen, "Chakotay, you told me you loved me there, and when I woke up, the look in your eyes told me that wasn't a hallucination. You do love me don't you? You have stood by my side at my best, my worst...you have never judged me, never turned against me...Chakotay, I wake up every night, screaming, crying out because I can't tell you the things I need to. I can't tell you how much you mean to me." She took a moment to compose herself, wiping the tears from her eyes. "Chakotay, if only you knew how much I love you...How much I would give to you if only I were able to. I'm so sorry that out here I can't do that. The command of this vessel and getting us home is such a heavy burden, I don't even know if I would have time for a relationship...not a healthy one anyway. I love you, that's all that matters right? I wouldn't admit to myself that I loved you, but after what I saw, I can't deny it anymore. I can't deny what I saw Chakotay. I saw pure agony, pure guilt, and undying love. I saw all that when you held me in your arms and cried for me. I saw so much. I see so much still. The peace rose...I tried to get back to work earlier Chakotay, so that I wouldn't be stuck in this confinement to deal with this on my own. I wanted to hug you right then, when you came into my ready room and gave me that rose...it took a lot of self control not to bust down and cry in your arms and tell you what I was feeling, what was going on inside this head of mine. But I can't do that. I have to be Captain Janeway...Not Kathryn Janeway...If you ever see this Chakotay, which I'm sure you won't, please remember that I love you, I always will, and I'm sorry I couldn't have told you sooner."
Captain Janeway walked onto the bridge, and went straight to her ready room. She couldn't face the day today. She hadn't gotten any sleep at all, and when she had managed to at least close her eyes, the same scene was playing in her head. It was making her crazy. She didn't know how to control it...didn't know what to do about it. Picking up a PADD, she sat at her desk and tried to concentrate.
The door chime went off.
"Come" she called out.
Chakotay walked into the ready room and looked her straight in the eyes.
"Can I help you Commander?"
Why does he have to stare with those big brown eyes?
"This has to stop Kathryn."
She looked up at him again, "I'm sorry, what do you mean?"
He bent his head and let out a sigh and then looked at her again, "The screaming Kathryn. Every night, and I do mean every night since we returned, all I hear is screaming and crying in the middle of the night."
She looked down at the PADD in her hand, "I'm sorry if I'm keeping you awake Commander."
He moved closer to her, "It's not that and you know it. Kathryn, it's hard for me to listen to you scream that way, and not do anything about it. Every night I just want to go to your quarters and wake you up so you don't have to be afraid anymore..."
She looked at him, he thought she was afraid...
"I'm sorry Chakotay, I know I've been really distant since we came back, but I promise, I will try to do something about the screaming so you don't have to be disturbed by it anymore."
He looked at her and sighed loudly, "Do you listen to anything that I say Kathryn? I'm NOT bothered by the lack of sleep, I'm BOTHERED by the fact that you're in pain! I told you Kathryn, 'anything to make your burden lighter', I meant it, now please...stop shutting me out."
She stood up and walked towards him, how easy would it be to fall into his arms and forget protocol, Voyager and the crew who depended on her?
"I'm sorry Chakotay, I'm just under a lot of stress right now. I promise, when I need someone to talk to, I will come to your door first. Thank you for being concerned, but I will be alright. Just give me a little bit more time and things will be back to normal, ok?"
He took her hand in his, and squeezed it, "I hope you're right..."
He turned around and walked out of the ready room.
It was 3:00 AM, and again she woke up screaming. "Damn it..." She didn't know how to make it stop. There really wasn't anything she could do. She got up and went to see the Dr.
"Well, Captain Janeway, how can I help you?" The Doctor shot at her, obviously annoyed by the interruption.
"Sorry for interrupting your opera session Doctor, I just needed something to help me sleep."
He looked at her and walked around her, scanning her, "It looks like you have needed something to help you sleep for a week. Captain, is there something troubling you, besides of course the away mission..."
She looked at him, it would be nice to talk to someone about what was going on. She couldn't tell the Doctor though, that would mean the whole ship would know within the week.
Damn.
"No Doctor, I'm fine, I just haven't been sleeping well."
He eyed her suspiciously, "Ok then," pressing the hypo spray to her neck, "this will take effect in about ten minutes. I suggest you get back to your quarters, unless of course you would like to be sleeping in the corridors of the ship."
She smiled and without another word walked out. The drug was working funny on her...she couldn't really see straight and it had only been a few moments since he administered the drug.
She walked to the turbo lift and held onto the wall, calling for the deck where her quarters were. When the turbo lift stopped she walked towards her quarters, and saw Chakotay standing in front of them.
He looked over at her surprised, "Kathryn, are you alright?"
She walked up to him, still drugged and getting even more delusional, "Aww Chakotay, come inside with me." She wasn't walking straight, there was something wrong with her.
They walked into her quarters and she walked into her bedroom and sat down on her bed. Chakotay stood in the living quarters wondering if she wanted him to follow her or just stay where he was.
"Chakotay, come sit with me."
Ok, that mystery was solved. He walked into the room and sat down uneasily on the bed.
"Chakotay, you know when I was dead in your arms?"
He looked down at her, "Yes Kathryn..." Why was she acting so funny?
"Chakotay, I was there when you were holding me...I saw everything. I want you to access my personal logs...there's something I want you to see."
Was she really that drugged up, to lead him where he wasn't supposed to be?
He looked at her, "Are you sure you want me to do that Kathryn?"
"Yes, I need you to look at the file."
He walked into the other room and accessed the file. He sat down, in shocked silence, watching as Kathryn cried on the screen, bearing her soul. All the feelings that had been trapped inside of her, all the things she wasn't allowed to say, and in her mind, the things she wasn't allowed to feel.
He sat there watching her, sobbing on the camera, telling him how much she loved him, and how much it hurt her that she couldn't be with him now.
He looked toward her bedroom and looked away. There was no way he could face her now, after all he'd seen. There were so many emotions flowing inside of him now, and there was no way to stop them. Not after knowing she felt the same way. Why did she have to show him that log? It was so much easier on him when he thought that all she needed to be happy was his friendship, not now, now it went beyond that. Now it went to that level he had tried so hard to suppress, to keep at bay, to keep away from Kathryn in fear of losing her.
"Chakotay..."
She was drowsy, but she couldn't help needing him beside her. Chakotay stood up and walked to her room, wiping off the remaining tears that stained his cheeks.
He stood against the wall, "Yes?"
"Stay with me tonight..."
"Kathryn, when you wake up in the morning, you will regret saying that to me. I can't take advantage of you like this."
"Please, I can't sleep without you here next to me...Just for tonight Chakotay."
When was Kathryn Janeway a beggar? It never came out in her personality. The neediness was a little unsettling.
He walked to her bedside and brushed her hair out of her face.
"Kathryn, you need to get some sleep. If you need me, I will be in my quarters, but I won't get into your bed and have you wake up ashamed of yourself. If you need me, I'll be next door, alright?"
Her eyes closed in defeat, "Alright. Goodnight."
Chakotay took a moment to watch her fall asleep, still lightly brushing her hair back. Standing up, he looked down at her one last time and walked out and back into his own quarters.
"Tuvok, may I have a word with you?"
"Of course Commander."
Chakotay took Tuvok into a quiet corner to talk to him.
"You and the Captain have been friends for a long time. Right now, she needs your help. I don't know if she's doing too well emotionally Tuvok, maybe you could talk to her? Talk to her and try to help her see past that, and work with her on controlling her emotions?"
Tuvok raised and eyebrow, since when did Chakotay want the Captain to hold back on her feelings?
"I will speak with her Commander, but I will not pressure her into something she is not willing to do."
He sighed, "Just...talk to her, alright?"
He nodded his head evenly and walked out of the room.
Janeway was sitting in her ready room, looking at the piles of PADD's that were sitting there. Where to start? The many problems in engineering? The crew fight on deck 9? Neelix's menu for this month?
The door chime went off. Perfect timing, lets just not get anything done today.
"Come."
She looked up as Tuvok walked into the ready room.
"Tuvok, how may I help you?"
"The Commander has asked for my assistance. He has requested I speak with you, on a 'personal' level."
"Oh, and what is this about?"
"Your emotional distress Captain. I have known you for many years, and I have not seen this side of you. If you need any help in managing your emotions, I can be of assistance."
She looked at him and nodded, "Thank you Tuvok. I may take you up on your offer some day."
Tuvok needed nothing more from her and walked out back onto the bridge.
Janeway hit her combadge.
"Janeway to Chakotay."
"Chakotay here."
"Can I see you in my read room Commander?"
"On my way."
She looked at the door as he walked in. She stood up and walked toward him. "Commander, would you like anything to drink?"
"No thank you."
"Coffee, Black," she ordered from the replicator, "Commander, please, sit." She walked over to the couch and looked at the steaming mug in front of her.
"Tuvok came in here a moment ago and told me that you had asked him to assist me in 'managing my emotions'. Now, I'm not sure exactly what happened last night Chakotay, I was given a sleeping aid by the Doctor that I suppose was a little too strong on my exhausted body, but I know that I had run into you at some point. I don't know what was said, or what happened, but I don't need anyone looking after my emotions. I've been through a lot Chakotay, I'm strong, and I will pull through it. So please, anything that has been said last night, keep it to yourself."
He looked at her amazed, she didn't remember a damn thing that happened last night! None of it! The Captain's mask was back on and she wasn't even going to let him help her!
"You don't remember anything about what happened last night?"
She looked at him confused, "I only remember seeing you in front of my quarters, but nothing else."
"Kathryn, you were delusional last night. I knew it after you let me..."
She looked at him, and urged him to tell her more.
"After you let me access your personal log, addressed to me." He winced, waiting for the worst.
She sighed and got up from the couch, "You saw that log?"
"Yes...I'm sorry, if I would have known that you were not yourself, I wouldn't have even accessed it. But you told me you needed me to see it...I'm so sorry Kathryn. I would never have invaded your space if I had known."
She paced around the room, and looked at him.
"Dismissed Commander."
Shock. That was all that came to his face. Shock.
"You aren't going to do this Kathryn! I can't let go of what I saw, I know that you need me Kathryn. You need me as more than a friend..."
"I said Dismissed Commander."
He looked at her and walked up to her until he was an inch from her face, "You need me, just like I need you. Stop denying it Kathryn. Push too long, and I won't be there when you want me."
With that he turned around and walked out of the room leaving her standing there.
Screaming, again, same time. She was screaming.
"This is insane..." Chakotay got out of his bed and walked to her quarters.
"Disengage lock, command Chakotay51omega."
"Lock disengaged."
Chakotay walked in and went into Kathryn's bedroom. She was still asleep. Screaming and crying in her sleep.
She was screaming, but this time she was screaming out for him.
"I'M HERE CHAKOTAY, I'M NOT DEAD. I'M HERE..."
He took her face in his hands and tried to wake her up. Her eyes opened slightly and then fully, she shot up and flung herself into his arms.
She was sobbing hysterically into his chest, "Chakotay, I love you, I love you so much...I can't do this anymore."
"I know Kathryn, I know, it will be okay. We'll find a way to be okay."
"Stay, please, stay."
He looked into her eyes, "I won't stay if tomorrow I'm nothing again. I can't keep doing it Kathryn."
"I know Chakotay, just, stay."
He took her in his arms and wrapped her in the sheet and snuggled up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist, protecting her.
As she was drifting off to sleep he whispered in her ear, "I'm here, I'll never leave."
There were no more screams that night.
End of Part One: If you want me to continue with the story, please say so. I like constructive criticism, just don't flame. Flaming is no good, just be kind and polite about hating my story, or even liking it. Thanks-DS
Set After Coda: What would happen if Chakotay told the Kathryn in his arms his true feelings?
Kathryn Janeway sat on the couch in her quarters, the past few days had been hell. Pure and absolute hell.
The scene played in her head over and over again, it was like it was a broken record, never stopping, always spinning around in her mind. Nothing could keep her mind off of it. Whenever she saw him, she didn't know what to say, didn't know how to act. All she would see was him, crying and holding onto her dead body.
*Flash to Memory*
"Kathryn, don't die! Breathe damn it, breathe!" He was screaming, getting hysterical, he was clinging onto her body, trying to bring her back from the dead. She didn't understand. She was standing right there, looking at him, but when she tried to touch him, her hand passed right through him. It was as if she didn't exist.
She looked at him clutching onto her dead body, crying into the air.
"Why, oh spirits, Kathryn why did you have to die? YOU CAN'T DIE...Kathryn, spirits, I love you so much, come back please, don't do this to me. I can't live my life without you, I can't do it Kathryn, please, wake up..."
He was shaking her lifeless body, he didn't know what to do anymore. There was nothing left in him. He looked deflated...
*Back in her quarters*
Tears fell down her face as the scene filled her head. She could see it whenever she closed her eyes, whenever she lost focus, whenever she wasn't trying to fix something, or wasn't in crisis mode. There was nothing she could do to get the image out of her head.
Her death hurt him that much.
It was hard for her to think of it. To think that he cared so much to sit and cry and shout to the heavens or whoever was listening to bring her back. "I can't live my life without you..." Those words... those words struck her.
She couldn't live her life without him either.
If there was something she had learned, she had learned to open up to her emotions and let herself see what her life would be like without him. It was empty, gray, a nothingness that consumed her thought and made her wake up screaming.
Chakotay had been so understanding, letting her have her space, thinking that the death itself was what was keeping her away.
If only he knew.
If only she could tell him that she saw everything that happened, to tell him that she felt the same...
She couldn't do that. Wouldn't do that.
It would give her a weakness, something that she couldn't have. Anything that would cloud her judgment on away missions, or dangerous operations was something she could not pursue. She was stuck in the delta quadrant after all...where would she turn if things went badly? What kind of example would she be setting for all of those poor souls who had left their husbands, wives and children behind? That she would get them home, but have her own happiness put before their feelings? She couldn't do it. She couldn't be put in the position where her personal feelings clouded her command judgment.
Why is it so hard to let go of him, and give up on the thought that one day that protocol wouldn't matter and she'd be free to be with him? It wouldn't happen. Not out here in the Delta Quadrant. If they had been back in the Alpha Quadrant she would be able to pursue at least something with him, but that would be another 70 years, if they were lucky.
She got up from the couch and went to replicate some coffee. She wandered over to her desk, sat down and began to record a personal log. She tried to start talking, and then realized it would be easier to get her thoughts out if she were talking to Chakotay through the screen.
"Chakotay,
There's so much that I wish I could say to you. There is so much I have left unsaid for so many reasons. First off, I want to tell you why I've been so distant from you ever since we came back from that away mission that "cost me my life" so to speak...Chakotay, I saw you gripping onto my dead body, crying," tears welled in her eyes as she spoke, "you were screaming Chakotay...screaming for me to wake up," she was sobbing on the screen, "Chakotay, you told me you loved me there, and when I woke up, the look in your eyes told me that wasn't a hallucination. You do love me don't you? You have stood by my side at my best, my worst...you have never judged me, never turned against me...Chakotay, I wake up every night, screaming, crying out because I can't tell you the things I need to. I can't tell you how much you mean to me." She took a moment to compose herself, wiping the tears from her eyes. "Chakotay, if only you knew how much I love you...How much I would give to you if only I were able to. I'm so sorry that out here I can't do that. The command of this vessel and getting us home is such a heavy burden, I don't even know if I would have time for a relationship...not a healthy one anyway. I love you, that's all that matters right? I wouldn't admit to myself that I loved you, but after what I saw, I can't deny it anymore. I can't deny what I saw Chakotay. I saw pure agony, pure guilt, and undying love. I saw all that when you held me in your arms and cried for me. I saw so much. I see so much still. The peace rose...I tried to get back to work earlier Chakotay, so that I wouldn't be stuck in this confinement to deal with this on my own. I wanted to hug you right then, when you came into my ready room and gave me that rose...it took a lot of self control not to bust down and cry in your arms and tell you what I was feeling, what was going on inside this head of mine. But I can't do that. I have to be Captain Janeway...Not Kathryn Janeway...If you ever see this Chakotay, which I'm sure you won't, please remember that I love you, I always will, and I'm sorry I couldn't have told you sooner."
Captain Janeway walked onto the bridge, and went straight to her ready room. She couldn't face the day today. She hadn't gotten any sleep at all, and when she had managed to at least close her eyes, the same scene was playing in her head. It was making her crazy. She didn't know how to control it...didn't know what to do about it. Picking up a PADD, she sat at her desk and tried to concentrate.
The door chime went off.
"Come" she called out.
Chakotay walked into the ready room and looked her straight in the eyes.
"Can I help you Commander?"
Why does he have to stare with those big brown eyes?
"This has to stop Kathryn."
She looked up at him again, "I'm sorry, what do you mean?"
He bent his head and let out a sigh and then looked at her again, "The screaming Kathryn. Every night, and I do mean every night since we returned, all I hear is screaming and crying in the middle of the night."
She looked down at the PADD in her hand, "I'm sorry if I'm keeping you awake Commander."
He moved closer to her, "It's not that and you know it. Kathryn, it's hard for me to listen to you scream that way, and not do anything about it. Every night I just want to go to your quarters and wake you up so you don't have to be afraid anymore..."
She looked at him, he thought she was afraid...
"I'm sorry Chakotay, I know I've been really distant since we came back, but I promise, I will try to do something about the screaming so you don't have to be disturbed by it anymore."
He looked at her and sighed loudly, "Do you listen to anything that I say Kathryn? I'm NOT bothered by the lack of sleep, I'm BOTHERED by the fact that you're in pain! I told you Kathryn, 'anything to make your burden lighter', I meant it, now please...stop shutting me out."
She stood up and walked towards him, how easy would it be to fall into his arms and forget protocol, Voyager and the crew who depended on her?
"I'm sorry Chakotay, I'm just under a lot of stress right now. I promise, when I need someone to talk to, I will come to your door first. Thank you for being concerned, but I will be alright. Just give me a little bit more time and things will be back to normal, ok?"
He took her hand in his, and squeezed it, "I hope you're right..."
He turned around and walked out of the ready room.
It was 3:00 AM, and again she woke up screaming. "Damn it..." She didn't know how to make it stop. There really wasn't anything she could do. She got up and went to see the Dr.
"Well, Captain Janeway, how can I help you?" The Doctor shot at her, obviously annoyed by the interruption.
"Sorry for interrupting your opera session Doctor, I just needed something to help me sleep."
He looked at her and walked around her, scanning her, "It looks like you have needed something to help you sleep for a week. Captain, is there something troubling you, besides of course the away mission..."
She looked at him, it would be nice to talk to someone about what was going on. She couldn't tell the Doctor though, that would mean the whole ship would know within the week.
Damn.
"No Doctor, I'm fine, I just haven't been sleeping well."
He eyed her suspiciously, "Ok then," pressing the hypo spray to her neck, "this will take effect in about ten minutes. I suggest you get back to your quarters, unless of course you would like to be sleeping in the corridors of the ship."
She smiled and without another word walked out. The drug was working funny on her...she couldn't really see straight and it had only been a few moments since he administered the drug.
She walked to the turbo lift and held onto the wall, calling for the deck where her quarters were. When the turbo lift stopped she walked towards her quarters, and saw Chakotay standing in front of them.
He looked over at her surprised, "Kathryn, are you alright?"
She walked up to him, still drugged and getting even more delusional, "Aww Chakotay, come inside with me." She wasn't walking straight, there was something wrong with her.
They walked into her quarters and she walked into her bedroom and sat down on her bed. Chakotay stood in the living quarters wondering if she wanted him to follow her or just stay where he was.
"Chakotay, come sit with me."
Ok, that mystery was solved. He walked into the room and sat down uneasily on the bed.
"Chakotay, you know when I was dead in your arms?"
He looked down at her, "Yes Kathryn..." Why was she acting so funny?
"Chakotay, I was there when you were holding me...I saw everything. I want you to access my personal logs...there's something I want you to see."
Was she really that drugged up, to lead him where he wasn't supposed to be?
He looked at her, "Are you sure you want me to do that Kathryn?"
"Yes, I need you to look at the file."
He walked into the other room and accessed the file. He sat down, in shocked silence, watching as Kathryn cried on the screen, bearing her soul. All the feelings that had been trapped inside of her, all the things she wasn't allowed to say, and in her mind, the things she wasn't allowed to feel.
He sat there watching her, sobbing on the camera, telling him how much she loved him, and how much it hurt her that she couldn't be with him now.
He looked toward her bedroom and looked away. There was no way he could face her now, after all he'd seen. There were so many emotions flowing inside of him now, and there was no way to stop them. Not after knowing she felt the same way. Why did she have to show him that log? It was so much easier on him when he thought that all she needed to be happy was his friendship, not now, now it went beyond that. Now it went to that level he had tried so hard to suppress, to keep at bay, to keep away from Kathryn in fear of losing her.
"Chakotay..."
She was drowsy, but she couldn't help needing him beside her. Chakotay stood up and walked to her room, wiping off the remaining tears that stained his cheeks.
He stood against the wall, "Yes?"
"Stay with me tonight..."
"Kathryn, when you wake up in the morning, you will regret saying that to me. I can't take advantage of you like this."
"Please, I can't sleep without you here next to me...Just for tonight Chakotay."
When was Kathryn Janeway a beggar? It never came out in her personality. The neediness was a little unsettling.
He walked to her bedside and brushed her hair out of her face.
"Kathryn, you need to get some sleep. If you need me, I will be in my quarters, but I won't get into your bed and have you wake up ashamed of yourself. If you need me, I'll be next door, alright?"
Her eyes closed in defeat, "Alright. Goodnight."
Chakotay took a moment to watch her fall asleep, still lightly brushing her hair back. Standing up, he looked down at her one last time and walked out and back into his own quarters.
"Tuvok, may I have a word with you?"
"Of course Commander."
Chakotay took Tuvok into a quiet corner to talk to him.
"You and the Captain have been friends for a long time. Right now, she needs your help. I don't know if she's doing too well emotionally Tuvok, maybe you could talk to her? Talk to her and try to help her see past that, and work with her on controlling her emotions?"
Tuvok raised and eyebrow, since when did Chakotay want the Captain to hold back on her feelings?
"I will speak with her Commander, but I will not pressure her into something she is not willing to do."
He sighed, "Just...talk to her, alright?"
He nodded his head evenly and walked out of the room.
Janeway was sitting in her ready room, looking at the piles of PADD's that were sitting there. Where to start? The many problems in engineering? The crew fight on deck 9? Neelix's menu for this month?
The door chime went off. Perfect timing, lets just not get anything done today.
"Come."
She looked up as Tuvok walked into the ready room.
"Tuvok, how may I help you?"
"The Commander has asked for my assistance. He has requested I speak with you, on a 'personal' level."
"Oh, and what is this about?"
"Your emotional distress Captain. I have known you for many years, and I have not seen this side of you. If you need any help in managing your emotions, I can be of assistance."
She looked at him and nodded, "Thank you Tuvok. I may take you up on your offer some day."
Tuvok needed nothing more from her and walked out back onto the bridge.
Janeway hit her combadge.
"Janeway to Chakotay."
"Chakotay here."
"Can I see you in my read room Commander?"
"On my way."
She looked at the door as he walked in. She stood up and walked toward him. "Commander, would you like anything to drink?"
"No thank you."
"Coffee, Black," she ordered from the replicator, "Commander, please, sit." She walked over to the couch and looked at the steaming mug in front of her.
"Tuvok came in here a moment ago and told me that you had asked him to assist me in 'managing my emotions'. Now, I'm not sure exactly what happened last night Chakotay, I was given a sleeping aid by the Doctor that I suppose was a little too strong on my exhausted body, but I know that I had run into you at some point. I don't know what was said, or what happened, but I don't need anyone looking after my emotions. I've been through a lot Chakotay, I'm strong, and I will pull through it. So please, anything that has been said last night, keep it to yourself."
He looked at her amazed, she didn't remember a damn thing that happened last night! None of it! The Captain's mask was back on and she wasn't even going to let him help her!
"You don't remember anything about what happened last night?"
She looked at him confused, "I only remember seeing you in front of my quarters, but nothing else."
"Kathryn, you were delusional last night. I knew it after you let me..."
She looked at him, and urged him to tell her more.
"After you let me access your personal log, addressed to me." He winced, waiting for the worst.
She sighed and got up from the couch, "You saw that log?"
"Yes...I'm sorry, if I would have known that you were not yourself, I wouldn't have even accessed it. But you told me you needed me to see it...I'm so sorry Kathryn. I would never have invaded your space if I had known."
She paced around the room, and looked at him.
"Dismissed Commander."
Shock. That was all that came to his face. Shock.
"You aren't going to do this Kathryn! I can't let go of what I saw, I know that you need me Kathryn. You need me as more than a friend..."
"I said Dismissed Commander."
He looked at her and walked up to her until he was an inch from her face, "You need me, just like I need you. Stop denying it Kathryn. Push too long, and I won't be there when you want me."
With that he turned around and walked out of the room leaving her standing there.
Screaming, again, same time. She was screaming.
"This is insane..." Chakotay got out of his bed and walked to her quarters.
"Disengage lock, command Chakotay51omega."
"Lock disengaged."
Chakotay walked in and went into Kathryn's bedroom. She was still asleep. Screaming and crying in her sleep.
She was screaming, but this time she was screaming out for him.
"I'M HERE CHAKOTAY, I'M NOT DEAD. I'M HERE..."
He took her face in his hands and tried to wake her up. Her eyes opened slightly and then fully, she shot up and flung herself into his arms.
She was sobbing hysterically into his chest, "Chakotay, I love you, I love you so much...I can't do this anymore."
"I know Kathryn, I know, it will be okay. We'll find a way to be okay."
"Stay, please, stay."
He looked into her eyes, "I won't stay if tomorrow I'm nothing again. I can't keep doing it Kathryn."
"I know Chakotay, just, stay."
He took her in his arms and wrapped her in the sheet and snuggled up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist, protecting her.
As she was drifting off to sleep he whispered in her ear, "I'm here, I'll never leave."
There were no more screams that night.
End of Part One: If you want me to continue with the story, please say so. I like constructive criticism, just don't flame. Flaming is no good, just be kind and polite about hating my story, or even liking it. Thanks-DS
