Sauron - the Man behind the Eye

2nd age

Dear diary,

I finally came up with a new world domination plan. I am going to make an Evil Ring of Power and use it to rule the Rings of the elves. With that Ring I will be the most powerful being in the universe. Muahahahahahaha!!!

Wait a minute. What did I just say? Whatever. I'm planning on making a pretty ring because I noticed that some of the elves have pretty rings too. I want to give it a cute name but couldn't find anything good so I decided to call it The One Mighty Powerful Ring.

Sauron

Dear diary,

The One Mighty Powerful Ring is finished. Now I will destroy Rivendell and all those silly, little elves!! Then I will be the one and only ruler of the entire world!!! Muahaha... wait... is it my imagination or is the Ring controlling me, instead of me controlling it? Who cares? Muahahahahahahaha!!! Hey, this evil laugh-thing is actually fun! And very stress-relieving. Muahahahahaha!!!

Uhum, uh, where was I? Whatever. Back to my evil schemes.

Sauron

Dear diary,

A giant crowd has gathered around my castle. They've probably come to hail me because I'm going to rule the world soon. They look quite angry though. Maybe they don't want me to rule the world... Nah!

Sauron

Dear diary,

It seems that I'm not as popular as I thought. I think it's because of my lasagna. The elves and the men and a few dwarfs want to take my precious One Mighty Powerful Ring away. But they won't take it because it's miiiiiine!! My oooowwwwn!! Myyyyyy pppprrrreeeeeccciiiioooouuuussss!!!!

Oops, got kinda carried away. I suggested to the angry mob that we could play a game of soccer and the winner gets to keep The One Mighty Powerful Ring. I'm afraid they don't like soccer very much because they wanted to go to war instead. It's not my fault this time. At least I can show them my new Orc army. They have pink bows.

Sauron

Dear diary,

War is not very interesting. The elves keep tearing the pink bows of my Orcs off. Especially that Elrond-guy. I don't like him. He's always kicking little kitties.

I accidently broke the blade of Isildur's father's sword. I don't know why Isildur got so terribly upset that he had to cut my finger off. I wanted to slap him but then I turned to dust. Darn!

At least Isildur didn't destroy The One Mighty Powerful Ring. I might try to get it back some time - as soon as I find my body. Why are these things always happening to me?

Sauron

3rd age

Dear diary,

I've been floating around for a few thousand years and now I've finally found a mirror. I was in shock when I realized that I look like a giant flaming eye. Not much left of my old, pretty self. Sob. Sob.

I decided to be the first flaming eye in history to rule over the world so I'm trying to find The One Mighty Powerful Ring again. I'm going to put an advertisement in the newspaper:

"Lost: The One Mighty Powerful Ring, looks like an ordinary ring but has cool powers, possibly a reward if I feel like it."

I hope someone answers.

Sauron

Dear diary,

Finally someone has answered to my advertisement. His name is Saruman and he's a wizard. I told him about my world domination plans and he seemed very interested and asked if I needed a sidekick. I got so excited about getting a sidekick that I made some lasagna for him. Saruman said that evil villains are not supposed to make lasagna. It looks like he's going to be one difficult sidekick!

At least he knows something about The One Mighty Powerful Ring. He also said something about a new Orc army. I don't know why I need a new army; my old Orc army was pretty good. But Saruman thinks that Orcs look scarier without pink bows.

I'm starting to miss Melkor again. I wonder where he is now.

Sauron

Dear diary,

Everything has been looking so unclear for a while so I went to the doctor and he told me that I need glasses. The problem is just that I don't have ears so I can't wear glasses. Now I assigned Saruman to make the biggest contact lense ever. I think I'm going to call it The One Contact of the Third Kind.

Sauron

Dear diary,

Saruman has found Gollum, the creature that supposedly had The One Mighty Powerful Ring but he didn't have it anymore. Saruman fed Gollum with my lasagna until he told us where The One Mighty Powerful Ring is now.

Saruman is very happy because our plans of world domination can begin now. He has even started to form his bowless Orc army. But I told him that we couldn't start until I've memorized the world domination song I made up because I want to sing it while taking over the world. Saruman is not exactly very patient.

Sauron

Dear diary,

I have a new Evil Secret Tower of Doom and it's in Mordor. I still haven't decided whether to paint it red or blue but I already named it Barrad-dur. I have no idea what it means but it sounds cool.

I have also found a small invisible army of nine ghosts. I call them Nazguls and I'm going to send them on a quest for The One Mighty Powerful Ring as soon as I have memorized my song - and as soon as I have found them...

Sauron

Dear diary,

I still haven't memorized my song but at least The One Contact of the Third Kind is ready so I can see again. In fact I can see better than ever before. I can even see what the hobbits on the other side of the world are doing. Pretty cool, huh?

I gave each of the Nazguls a black hood so I can see them and sent them out to find The One Mighty Powerful Ring. Apparently some hobbit named Baggins has it. Baggins. What kind of a stupid name is that anyway? I will have to punish him for having such a stupid name. And for stealing my precious too but that's not my priority. At least I think so.

Sauron

Dear diary,

I won in a lottery. The price was a free yoga class. Too bad I don't have any limbs because this yoga-thing sounds like fun.

Saruman is starting to get a bit angry because I spend so much time reading fan mail and watching people who are 5000 miles away (I call it watching TV) instead of focusing on world domination. He is finished with his Orc army. They're not as pretty as my Orcs but Saruman won't admit it. They don't even have pink bows. He calls them the Super-dooper Uruk-Orc Army of Doom. And he says my names are immature! Maybe I should find myself a less complicated sidekick. If you think about it, Baggins is not such a stupid name after all...

Sauron

Dear diary,

Saruman has kidnapped another wizard. He is really proud of this and obviously thinks I'm going to reward him for that but I don't know what I need another wizard for. Unless he wants to be my new sidekick of course.

I have finally memorized my world domination song but unfortunately I lost my One Contact of the Third Kind. Now I keep bumping into things. This is how I made up a new game, by the way. I call it eye bowling. It's quite fun actually but Saruman gets really annoyed when I hit him. That guy seriously has some issues!

Sauron

Dear diary,

I still haven't found The One Contact of the Third Kind so I stayed at home all day, played eye bowling and wondered if I should paint my tower red or blue. Saruman told me that I need to be more ambitious if I want to take over world domination. He just doesn't see the fun in things!

I found an advertisement in the newspaper today. It was like this:

"Wanted: a new evil master whom I can serve as a sidekick to take over world domination, must be a good cook."

I decided to call the number in the advertisement but was slightly surprised when I found out that it was Saruman. I don't think he was very happy because I was the only one who responded to his ad.

Sauron

Dear diary,

Today was Saruman's day off so we spent the day playing chess. We used a life-size chess board and played with Orcs. Unfortunately it didn't work too well because we couldn't tell the king from the knights and the Orcs didn't follow the rules and kept killing each other. It was the funniest thing I'd seen since playing Monopoly with Fluffyluff the barog but Saruman didn't like it very much.

I went to the doctor again and he told me to use eyedrops because my eye is always burning. I think I will follow his advice as soon as I find a bottle of eyedrops that is big enough.

Sauron

Dear diary,

I finally found The One Contact of the Third Kind. It turned out that Saruman had used it as a bath tub all along.

An Orc has been following me around all day. It was starting to get creepy so I told him to get lost but he didn't listen to me. It took me five hours to realize that he was sticking to the inside of The One Contact of the Third Kind.

Today I saw my arch enemy Baggins for the first time. I was a bit disappointed. He's nothing but a tiny hobbit. I could squash him with one foot! Wait a minute... I don't have a foot. Sob. Or maybe I could squash him with a hand... no. Stab him... no... kick him... no... slap him... no ... scratch him... no... tickle him...no... The only thing I can do is roll over him. Ouch! That means that I CAN'T HURT HIM!!!! AAAAHHH!!! HE IS INVINCIBLE!!!!

Sauron

Author's note: Aaw, poor Sauron! Review please if you don't want the Nazguls to eat you. I know that Nazguls don't eat people but, uh, yeah, uh, you get my point.