Ahh…on to the next song. Ever heard of "H. Song" by Sum 41? Well, that powerful tune filled my ears next—hold on, I forgot to turn off the SNES. Princess Peach is flailing her arms fruitlessly, and a silver Mario-head trophy is at her feet. Ahh, now I have the time trial screen on the TV so I can remember which track comes in what order, but that side scrolling screen is killing my vestibular-ocular reflex. Don't know what that is? That's ok, most people take it for granted, as I once did. Go to vestibular.org and learn about dizziness, vertigo, and the inner ear, and you'll have a taste of my everyday life.
Well! Sum 41 blasted through my headphones as Peach ran into those annoying light brown blocks that line the sides of… *turns around to look at TV* Ghost Valley 1. As Peach waited for Lakitu to save me from the one thing I—I mean, save her from the black depths under a racetrack that seems to have suddenly and inexplicably appeared in the universe somehow, I find my arms moving into an air-guitar position, as I pretend to play my own beautiful 5-string black Ibanez bass. Those bass slides! Gasp, they sound so good even if they do give me blisters and make my skin peel off of my hands…!
Lakitu steals two coins from Peach as I sit there, pretending to play my bass during the big guitar solo, listening to the drums for the rhythm. Oops, everyone is passing me! I frantically pick up my controller and Peach finishes the race, once again, barely passing. Hmm…maybe I should've played Goldeneye 007 this morning instead… the song 'Secret Agent Man" is now playing in my head for some reason. Hmmm…..I wonder why?….!?!!!
Whew! Somehow I've made it to Bowser Castle 1 and "D.U.I." by the Offspring is now entering my ear canals. That song is almost as funny as their song "Beheaded." Anyhoo, Peach manages to hit BOTH yellow speed zippers on the gray, stony ground and zooms around the curve with maximum efficiency, only to plop over twenty identical speed bumps. Five seconds later, Bowser is on her tail, throwing fireballs at her every five seconds, making her swerve five times per every five fifths of a minute. Um…yeah. Mathematics really annoy me, but somehow I got a 100% on them on a really big, important test recently.
(From "D.U.I.") "Now I slam my face into the back of a big rig/At least you'll never catch me you freaking pigs! Designate someone other than me/I'm so drunk I can hardly see" --Oopsie, maybe Peach IS drunk because after her first place win at Bowser's Castle 1, Mario has pushed her into the wall at Mario Circuit 2, causing her to ricochet off of the wall, landing on the horizontal row of five yellow speed zippers BACKWARDS. Yoshi passes Peach as she frantically turns around in 8th place, trying to regain her lost dignity, if she had any to begin with.
"MARIO!" Peach screams, "I'm going to KILL YOU!!!!" I, the person controlling Peach, if you have forgotten, am now shaking my fist wildly in the air, my right eyebrow raised, my biceps flexed, my teeth clenched. My thumbs are working up a sweat as I struggle to get 3rd place, and I feel disappointed when a giant, inflatable fish-balloon-freak drops a bronze Mario-head trophy onto Peach's blonde hair. Miraculously, she retains her consciousness and seems to be content with the bronze.
I, on the other hand, am nearly breaking the controller in half, and my teeth have been clenched for about 120 seconds, making me feel like a certain green-clad plumber in Luigi's Mansion. (Sorry again, Luigi fans, but…*trying to suppress rage* that games annoys me…oww, why do my jaws hurt now?) I un-clench my teeth and gulp down approximately 2.471 ounces of Dr. Pepper Red Fusion from my cheap CVS tumbler and play "Fighter" by Christina Aguilera. I know, very out of character for this anti-pop rocker, but I'm happy that Aguilera now writes such inspiring lyrics that promote inner strength rather than premarital sex. Gasp, I said "sex!" Note to self: Rate this chapter PG-13. Reply from self: Okelie dokelie, neighborino.
The first track of the 150cc Flower Cup, suitably called Choco Island 1, is quite ugly, and between dodging fireballs and shrinking mushrooms, getting run into by Bowser and Toad (who for some reason were programmed to always be at the top ranks), and furiously avoiding sliding into the thick, possibly chocolate-flavored sand, I don't know if this sentence will ever end. Oh, it just did. Okay. Well, let's just say I needed that song "Fighter" to finish in first place.
Now, call me a sap, but I played Kimberly Caldwell's version of "The Shoop Shoop Song" next as I raced in Ghost Valley 2. Her voice is amazingly powerful and deep. But that's irrelevant, because DK Jr., who may also be Donkey Kong from Donkey Kong Country, who may be the son of the original Donkey Kong, who may be Cranky Kong, ran into me—I mean, Peach, so hard that she bounced off of those despicable light brown tiles several times, doing a strange 180.
What that means is, Peach once again struggled to get into 2nd place. Note to self: I should use Shift+F7 to find a synonym for "struggle" next time. Reply from self: Stop writing notes to yourself in your fan fiction, the readers will probably think you're even more idiotic than they already think you are. Reply to Reply from self: What?
Moving on, I played a really good song next for Donut Plains 2. I think it was "Straight Out Of Line" by Godsmack. Call me crazy, but the singer's vocals are kinda sexy during the chorus. Yep, I've done it now…I'm going to be labeled "insane" by you readers…if there are any readers. Is this story even about Super Mario Kart anymore? I don't know.
It's a good thing that Mario, Bowser, and Toad all ganged up on Peach (me) on the first lap, or I would've never had the chance to catch up to the top four positions at the end. I was trying to pass Toad, who was in first, I was dodging Bowser's mass, and Mario was coming up from behind. Well, all that swerving Peach had to do really messed up my accuracy, because Mario bumped Peach and instead of making that U-turn before the finish line, she ran into the rainbow-colored divider.
This being Super Nintendo with its old-school graphics, the divider was not a smooth line, rather, it was a row of jaggedly placed tiles. Peach became stuck in between the jags and it took some intricate workmanship to get out of there. And no, there is no reverse option like in Super Mario 64. Or at least I haven't discovered it yet.
Speaking of which, I got myself tired of Super Mario Kart 64 four years ago after playing it for four hours every day. There I go with those mathematics again. Good thing my algebra teacher is history… *holding bloody butcher knife and grinning*
No! I didn't behead her! I'm not influenced THAT severely by what I listen to! I was just cutting a red pepper! *Picks red pepper skin off knife and eats it* (Stop turning my text bold, Microsoft Word!) Mmm, red pepper! *BURP!* STOP TURNING MY TEXT BOLD!!!! *Shakes fist angrily at monitor…* ARRRGH!!!
Wow, I've already written over 2,000 words, all about absolutely NOTHING! Hey, I could write pop music! Ahem…ok. That was at the risk of getting another review from someone who loves Britney Spears and wants to…erm…you know…her…
I'm sure none of the zero people reading this are taking this seriously, so I'll try to wrap this up. Um, basically, I got a silver trophy after listening to the Offspring's version of "Totalimmortal" (I learned its bass line yesterday too!). It was quite a stru—err, I mean, endeavor. (Thank God for the thesaurus!) Well, I have many jobs to do, and so little time, so I'll just say this.
I need more practice at Super Mario Kart for Super Nintendo.
