Navi quickly led Link to the Great Deku Tree. It appeared that it was just in time, as the Tree was apparently having death fits.
"Link! It's time I tell you that which I should have told you eleven years ago," the tree rumbled. "Link, you are- ugh, ach, huuuuuuuu, call. verizon. wireleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-" Abruptly, the tree stopped groaning and turned a stony, dead color. Link was shocked.
"How much did James Earl Jones get to do that?" he asked Navi.
"Too much. Let's go in."
"Go in? Yeah right! I don't ever go near dead guys, even if they're dead tree guys."
"Link, if this fanfic follows the plot of the original Nintendo 64 game relatively well, you'll be seeing lots of dead things. Come on. No turning back now. If it helps, we'll sing, to keep your spirits high. How about Cousin Kevin?"
"I've never heard that one. You sing it, and then I'll memorize it with my song-memorizing powers."
As they entered the tree, Navi started to sing. It was a long song, and after picking up money, nuts, a sword and a shield lying on the ground conveniently, they reached the belly of the tree and Navi finished his song.
"You weren't too much fun, being blind, deaf, and dumb, but I'd no one to play with, todaaaaaaayyyy.." Navi finished with a flourish. "So, what do you think of the song?"
"Navi, I'm more scared now than I was in the first place. So where are we?"
"We're in the basement of the Deku Tree. Soon, we should be in some danger. I can sense it."
"How can you do that?"
"I'm a built in Spider-sense. The game would have been much harder if the creator didn't program me into your gameplay mechanism."
"Game, program? What are you talking about?"
"What? Was I talking?"
Before Navi could answer that question, two Deku Scrubs popped up from the ground!
"Yo, homie. You ready to take on the best and go down with the rest?" the first said with a ghetto accent.
Link laughed. "Oh, boy. I'm so scared of you. What are you, the Mexican-American stereotype vegetable? A George Lopez flower? John Legume- izano?"
The second Deku scrub turned to the first. "See, I told you that you sounded too Mexploitation when you said that line. Just say the original."
"No! I won't say it!"
"Come on. I know what I'm talking about, I'm a smart guy."
"Okay, okay. What you talkin' bout, Link?"
"There! Now the studio will pay us for appearing in this horrible fanfic. Let's just get this fight over with, I've got a meeting with the Disney Channel in an hour." They shot seeds at Link, but he bounced them back and hit them into their holes. As soon as he did this, a door opened.
"Whoa. Navi, that door wasn't there a minute ago. What's going on?"
"It's called deus ex machina. It makes things easier for the author by being way too convenient. Now let's go inside. If you beat this boss, I think you'll level up, and you'll get more heart points."
"Heart points, what are those? Can I trade them for the new Metallica CD?"
"Oh, god, no."
"Well, what about AFI? Evanescence?"
"Link, I was referring to the giant spider hovering above us."
"Oh. But that's beside the point. Does CD Warehouse accept these heart points? Wait. Spider?"
The giant spider descended from the ceiling. "I hate this stupid job! How many fantasy RPGs have to have a giant spider in them? I get called for the job, I think, no problem, just a few stunts, eat a few heroes-in- training, and I'm home free. But noooo! Turns out that Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter have already done spider scenes, and you know what? The spider always dies! But I'm not following the crowd this time! I don't know who you are, or why you came here, but here me, you little maggot! This is my tree! I killed it, and even if it means losing my union credibility by going against orders, I will kill you too, or my name isn't Gohma the Great!"
Link shot it with a foam packing peanut he found by his slingshot. It died.
Navi said, "O-kay. that wasn't right. There must be a trap of some sort. Ganondorf wouldn't send such a horribly easy boss this early in the game without some sort of catch or hidden danger. Link, whatever you do, don't touch those heart points."
Link touched the heart points and powered up.
Navi screamed.
Link began to glow a hideous shade of red.
Navi screamed.
Link's facial features became hideously distorted.
Navi screamed.
Link's stomach burst and his organs came out one by one.
Navi screamed.
Link went back to normal, stopped glowing, and produced a cheese sandwitch, which he spread with Spam Sauce.
Navi screamed louder than ever.