Why was this so hard? It would only be one short question and the time of uncertainty would end immediately. If she just asked him what he really thought about her. No longer lying awake at night, wondering what he saw in her. But it could also be the end of all hope of a future together. If he said no, her dreams would shatter like glass. Their relationship was fragile, like a delicate flower, and if he really rejected her it would destroy everything they shared. Was she ready to risk that? If she did nothing they could be together as friends and no matter how much she wished for more she was still too frightened to endanger their friendship.
You opened my heart when you opened your eyes
And I beheld the dawn of the hidden sky
I felt a breeze, so gentle and mild
And when I glanced the sunrise, then I knew I could fly
Hikari closed her eyes and curled up on her bed. She wanted to sleep and to escape to a better world in her dreams, were things were not so complicated and were everything turned out right in the end, but sleep just wouldn't come. Every time she closed her eyes only to open them a few moments later and to go on musing about her situation.
She had tried to listen to some of her CD's but that didn't help either. Instead of making her sleepy each song seemed to focus her thoughts more and more on the blond boy.
Oh, I see the sky, in your eyes
He could have every girl yet he was alone most of the time. Some had already suspected him to be gay and Hikari had to admit that their reasoning sounded logical at first. But he had made it clear that he was straight when the first brave guy had tried to ask him out.
She had to snicker at the memory. The look on Yamato's face had been priceless. At first he had just starred at the boy blankly. It took him a few seconds to comprehend the whole situation. After almost half a minute had still hadn't said a word and the poor boy was almost freaking out by then. Finally he had found the words he had, obviously, been searching for and told the guy politely to get lost. Just before he made it absolutely clear to everybody present that he was not gay.
Please grab my hand and take me away
Take me into your eyes to meet a beautiful day
Take me into the sky, where the birds always sing
And put me on a cloud, where dreams begin
But if he was straight then why did he not go out with girls either? Sure he had been out a few times with some girls from school but that was more out of politeness. He hadn't had a girlfriend in ages. She knew that he had problems trusting other people, he had said so himself, but she also knew that she was one of the few people whom he trusted. So, if it was not a lack of trust, what was it then? Was he not attracted to her at all? It couldn't be that, could it? He had told her himself that he thought she was truly beautiful.
Even now, alone in the darkness of her room, she couldn't help but blush and smile to herself like she had done when he had said it for the first time. She just knew that he had been honest back then. After all she had seen it in his deep blue eyes. If he had lied to her she would have noticed it immediately. He couldn't lie to her just like she couldn't keep things hidden from him. The only way to keep things unknown to the other was not to speak about them at all.
And when sunset comes let me watch the stars
Don't close your eyes cause it would break my heart
Oh, please my love, please let me see
Don't close your eyes, cause you know it would kill me
She quickly grabbed her small black teddy bear and hugged it tightly. He had given it to her on her fifteenth birthday. She could still remember how angry she had been when she had opened his present. Obviously he still thought of her as a little girl. She wouldn't have accepted the bear at all if it had been someone else. Only later that day, when she was alone in her room, had she noticed the small piece of paper stuffed into the red ribbon which had been tied around the bear's neck. After gently removing the ribbon and reading the small note carefully she had cried. But the tears had been tears of happiness. She had hugged the bear tightly like she did right now and had read the note once again.
'Always remember that you will never be alone.
Yamato'
Even back then she had dreamed of being held by her blond friend instead of hugging the bear. But doing so and knowing that he had really thought about her and her feelings when getting this present made her feel warm inside.
He knew how much she feared to be left behind and how much she needed to have friends around her. She had always been a well of happiness and support for her friends and family but without their support she would have dried up quickly. He had noticed that pretty soon and had tried to make her feel secure and loved.
But knowing that he cared for her but yet refused to be with her had hurt her even more and it still did. He had never told her what he thought about her directly. He almost seemed to enjoy being an enigma to the people around him. Whenever it was possible he tried to make his answer as vague as possible. There were times when you had to interpret each of his words and in the end you could only guess what he had really meant. This behaviour annoyed a lot of his friends and even his family but Hikari had always tried to be patient with him for she knew that he was patient with her as well.
She still held onto her bear tightly when she crawled under her blanket. She had finally come to a decision. If she went on like that, waiting for Yamato to finally confess his love to her, her hair would soon turn grey. She had to take the first step and make him see what he was missing. Tomorrow she was going to tell him what she felt for him. With that final thought in mind she closed her eyes and snuggled deeper into her warm bed.
Oh, I see the sky, in your eyes
Oh, a beautiful sky, down deep in your eyes
*
At the same time a lone figure was wandering through the deserted park. A bag was thrown lazily over his shoulder and the wind blew lightly through his golden hair. His head was down and he seemed to be deep in thoughts. At a wooden park bench he stopped abruptly and after a moment of hesitation he sat down. As he ran a hand through his hair he watched the silvery moon reflecting on the rippling surface of the small lake before him.
But his mind was currently occupied with other, more important, things than the serene scenery before him. The impossible thing had finally happened. His luck had left him and he had suffered a painful defeat. He had already had a bad feeling when he had arrived at the university for his final, decisive, test today. He had even tried to learn for this test, which was against his habit, but it was no use. If he wanted to try it again he would have to begin from scratch again.
But beside the shame of failing even such an easy test there was also the problem of what he was going to do now.
Hikari was surely going to be disappointed. Hikari? It surprised him how often his thoughts were with Taichi's little sister lately. No matter what he did these days he always wondered what she would think about it and what she was doing at the moment.
In the past she had only been the little sister of his friend and his own brother's best friend but he had already cared for her. Her carefree, happy smile had melted through his defences immediately. Back then she had reminded him of his own little brother but he had to admit that she had become a beautiful young girl. She had grown up and it had become impossible for him to see only the innocent little girl in her.
But despite his steadily growing feelings for her he tried to convince himself that it wouldn't work. He had come up with a hundred reasons to assure himself that it would be a bad idea to ask her out. It would only make his and especially her life more complicated. He would probably just end up hurting her. There were so many good reasons for them to just stay friends but most of all he feared to lose her. What if she didn't feel the same for him? What if they broke up and she never wanted to see him again?
But then again he had nothing to lose anymore. His life couldn't get any worse form here. He felt a little guilty for dragging her down with him but maybe that wasn't even going to happen at all. She was his vision of a better future. If she was with him he would have a reason to try harder. He was going to make her proud.
In a quick motion he stood and began marching towards his apartment. For the first time in ages he felt like he had found a goal worth working for.
* * *
This time I used the song "Eyes of the Sky" by 'Lake of Tears'. I'm well aware that most of the songs I use are not really mainstream but I like them and I think they are fitting for the story. I think this will be going on for one or two more chapters. This whole thing turned out to be a kind of song-fic. I swear I never planed to do that. I just hope I'll be able to find a fitting song for the last chapter(s) as well. I think I'm going to end this soon just like my other unfinished fics.
Thanks for your patience and the reviews!
