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Chapter 3- Voldemort Has a Heart

Lord Voldemort, the most powerful dark wizard of all time, was plotting his next plan to rid the world of filthy mud bloods, much in the likeness of Dr. Evil. He was pacing back and forth muttering to himself.

"Mmm.. Potter.urgh.. hmmm.. what to do?"

"Master?" said Wormtail, Voldemort's somewhat loyal bitch. "You wanted to see me?"

"Yes. As you know, I have been tirelessly working to kill Harry Potter and the rest of those cootie infested mud bloods. But lately, I have come to realize that there is a more threatening group in our midst."

"Yes master?" said Wormtail with a slight tone of delight.

"We need to kill Sean Connery and the rest of the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen!"

The smile that had been creeping along Wormtail's ugly disfigured face had vanished in a heartbeat.

"Master, I mean not to offend, but that is a movie." said loyal bitch numero uno.

"It is NOT a movie Wormtail! Crucio!"

Wormtail flailed like a Texan inmate that just got the chair. George W. Bush laughs benevolently.

Voldemort pulled out a notepad that looked suspiciously like "Blue's Clues" Handy-dandy Notebook. He looked at his agenda.

Kill Sean Connery and LXG

Kill Eliza Thornberry

He looked at Number 2. It was crucial that girl was dead. Voldemort couldn't trust his panoply of snakes and livestock. They could tell Eliza Thornberry everything. The agenda continued.

Kill Austin Powers

* Get revenge and eventually kill Harry Potter

Make sweet love to Orlando Bloom

Voldemort giggled. He will have Orlando Bloom (girls began to swoon, and Voldemort kills them all). A muggle television was playing in Voldemort's secret lair. Well, actually his lair was the Bat-Cave. He was "borrowing" it from George Clooney. Ever since that sniveling idiot did "Batman and Robin", Clooney decided to permanently live in the Bat-Cave with his young ward/lover/sex slave Robin. Voldemort decided the Bat-Cave was too good to pass up, so he put Clooney under the Imperious Curse. Now the Bat-Cave and Clooney's little man-slut were his! Voldemort giggled again.

The T.V. showed a commercial for that movie "What a Girl Wants" even though it was out months ago and is months away from being released on VHS. Muggles just love to annoy him. He wrote in Number 6 in his Handy-dandy Notebook.

Kill Amanda Bynes

Once again, the muggle T.V. showed a trailer of movie that isn't even in theaters anymore. Damn that Lizzie McGuire. He penciled in Number 7.

Kill Hillary Duff

Voldemort felt like he had written enough down for one day. He was getting writers cramp. He beamed at Number 4 on his list and once again, like the little girl he is, giggled. He had put an asterisk by this particular number so as to fool anyone who looks in his private notebook. "Get revenge and eventually kill" really meant "Kidnap and eventually to the wild thang with". The only way Voldemort could ever find happiness again was to rekindle old love.

Before Voldemort could get into a flashback, he heard the voice of a preschooler.

"Look! A clue!" obviously referring to the blue paw mark on Voldemort's pink Thinking Chair. That dumb ass Joe came into his Bat-Cave and took Voldemort's Handy-dandy Notebook and drew a picture of the Thinking Chair with crayon.

Voldemort was infuriated. Joe looked right into the camera and said

"That means that Blue got knocked up on the thinking chair.all we need to figure out is when and who!"

"JOE! GET OUT OF MY LA-hey that's a good drawing. I mean Avada Kedavra!"

Joe fell to the floor, the preschoolers started crying, and Blue came up to Voldemort and began biting his foot. Voldemort picked up Blue and drop kicked her.

"That damn show." said Voldemort right into the camera. Then he blew it to smithereens and the camera crew left. Clooney forgot to tell him he was share holding with Nick Jr.

Now Voldemort had time for a flashback.Everything will get hazy, like in most flashbacks. Unless Voldemort's been sniffing laughing gas again.

He was at Hogwarts. He had graduated years before that, but he became the creepy guy on campus that parties with everyone but knows he's too old to do that. But he didn't care. He had something to look forward to at Hogwarts. James. This was a happy time in Voldemort's life. Of course, he was still being called Tom, but he didn't mind because it sounded so sweet coming from his one true love. James Potter.

He, Tom Riddle, had been watching James from afar. James had been teasing Severus Snape for the past 72 hours straight.

"God, James really has nothing to do." Tom thought to himself.

Tom called James over. It was time for one of their talks, which almost always ended with hot sex. James saw Tom and ran over, much in the likeness of prissy girls in gym class.

"Too bad James runs like a fricken girl." Tom whispered to himself.

James arrived. He almost ran right into him because James had severe ADD and was distracted by grass.

"Yeah Tom?"

"Can we talk James?"

"Yes, whatever you want, darling."

"James" said Tom in a loving and sensuous voice. He was really bent on getting laid. "I. I. I love you."

" I don't know what to say Tom, except. well I. Tom, you have to move on. I know that you're fun and the sex is mind blowing, but if the guys knew about us." He got distracted by grass again. He snapped out of it quickly though. "I'd get kicked out of our quirky little rule breaking, map making, and transforming little group. Which is why I've been seeing someone else lately."

Jerry Springer popped onto the stage that Tom and James had been talking on.

"Tom, how does that make you feel?" said Springer with a microphone in Tom's face.

"James I can't BEEP believe you! Don't you be dissin' me! Uh-uh! You dirty mutha BEEEEP! BEEP!"

The audience that had been watching started chanting "MAN-WHORE! MAN- WHORE!"

James yelled at the audience "Y'all don't know me! Y'all cant judge me!" and threw a chair into their faces.

When the chair impacted a large POW sign popped up so as to censor the deliberate violence.

James ran to his cheap bitch Lily. He knew that he, now would become Lord Voldemort, and would take over the wizarding world and kill every last Potter there is.

"Well folks, that's our show. Which just goes to show that ." Jerry began his stupid speech at the end of the show that never means anything.

After the haze disappeared and Voldemort stopped sniffing laughing gas, Voldemort was crying. He promised himself he would kill every Potter, but Harry, although a byproduct of that backstabber and little whore, he was so.so. SO DAMN SEXY!

Voldemort knew would have Harry Potter. All to himself.

END

Will Voldemort get Harry? Will he kill Sean Connery? And why does he want to kill Austin Powers? All this and more in the next Chapters of HARRY POTTER AND THE MISSION OF LIFE!