A/N: So, I'm still breathing. Sorry I've been AWOL for so long, but this has, unfortunately, been the last thing on my mind these past few months. I suggest that you go back to read the previous chapters just to refresh your memory before you read this one. Let me know what you think! – Lari
An hour and a half later,
Callista managed to get Cay back in "for good." Luke suspected that Callista
might have an easier time when he wasn't around. He could be quite firm with Cay
when Callista was away, but as soon as they were all together he seemed to melt
into an over-indulgent father. Mara, on the other hand, was quite helpful. A
cute face, it seemed, wasn't quite enough to sway her. She treated Cay about
how she treated everyone else. And—whatever her naturally empathic
abilities—Mara wasn't going to win an award any time soon for her pity. When
Cay tried to use her as an excuse to stay up, Mara cut her off brusquely and
pushed her off onto Callista.
Cay wasn't particularly happy about this and immediately played her ace: Luke.
Of course, with Callista and Mara there to glare at him, even he managed
to stand strong.
"Pushover."
Luke looked sharply at Mara, sitting across from him on the couch. Callista was
still in the bedroom with Cay. "Excuse me?" he asked.
Mara leaned forward, planting her elbows on her knees. "You are a pushover,"
she repeated, stressing each word.
Luke felt his defenses going up, but instead of being upset, he was somewhat
relieved. This was the sort of friendly argument he had missed without Mara
around.
"I am not a pushover," he answered, motioning to the bedroom. "Didn't I tell
her she had to go?"
Mara raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Yes. But you didn't mean it."
"I wouldn't have said it, if I hadn't meant it."
"Oh, please, Skywalker, if Callista hadn't whisked her away when she did, you
would have folded. It only would have taken one more tear."
Luke leaned back in his seat and crossed his arms. "I don't know, Mara. You
were pretty obliging when Cay gave you the big eyes and asked you to come
again."
Mara's eyes narrowed and Luke had the sudden desire to backtrack. A moment
later she stood.
"As fun as this has been, Skywalker," she drawled, "I need to be heading out."
Luke came swiftly to his feet, feeling a strange pang at the thought of her
leaving. There was still some part of him that doubted whether he would see her
again.
"Wait, Mara," he said, a little more loudly than he'd intended. Mara looked at
him incredulously, but he ignored this and continued. "Maybe now's a good time
to speak with Callista about the Fire and your decision. It's…I think it's
important for her to hear it from you."
Mara didn't answer for a few moments, her expression unreadable as she stared
at a point somewhere between the couch and the table.
Finally, she blinked and it seemed to Luke that she must have come to some
decision. But, instead, she said, softly, "I could tell her another time. It's
late."
Luke let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. She was going to
stay, he could tell—he just needed to give her a reasonable excuse.
"We shouldn't let it sit, Mara," he began. "We should tell her now, while it's
still fresh." While it's still real, he thought to himself, but didn't
say.
She looked over at him, an annoyed expression flitting across her face.
Apparently that hadn't been reasonable. "Skywalker, if letting it sit for a
while is going to make us forget it, then it wasn't true to…"
Luke lay a hand gently on her shoulder, cutting her off in mid-sentence. Her
expression hardened, but she didn't pull away.
"Mara," he whispered, without knowing quite what else he meant to say. He
reached out hesitantly to her other shoulder and turned her to face him,
pulling her a bit closer at the same time. Something flickered through her
sense so quickly that he almost missed it, but it was there, and he felt a
surge of relief and a pang of guilt at the same time.
Everything she was projecting, through her body language and sense, was
stubbornness and strength. As much as he respected those qualities in her, they
made it difficult to convince her of things. But just now he had sensed
something else: vulnerability, uncertainty. She trusted him not to hurt her,
but she also trusted him be honest with her.
He honestly thought she should stay, for her own good, but he knew that it
might be painful for her. How could he convince her without making her feel
like he was betraying her trust?
"Mara," he repeated, catching her eyes with his own. "Mara, stay."
For a few moments, the vulnerability was there, exposed plainly in her eyes.
Luke resisted the urge to back off, to pull her close and tell her that, of
course, she didn't have to stay, she could do whatever she wanted.
Suddenly Mara's expression changed completely. "Pushover," she said, with a
small grin on her face.
Luke blinked and pulled away from her. "You did that on purpose?" he asked,
incredulously.
"Of course not, Skywalker," she answered, with a snort. She walked away from
him and let her body fall gracefully back into the couch. He sensed movement
behind him and turned partially to see Callista returning as Mara finished,
"But I did enjoy it, after the fact."
"Did I miss something?" Callista asked, stopping beside him.
"No," Luke said, quickly. "Mara just decided to stay and finish our
conversation."
Callista nodded with—Luke was relieved to see—an open expression on her face.
He didn't want a repeat of their last conversation.
"Alright," she said, taking the chair to the left of the couch, next to Mara.
"But let's set some ground rules this time."
Luke could practically feel Mara chafing but, to his relief, she said nothing
and even nodded in acquiescence.
"This time I need complete honesty," Callista continued, as Luke tried to
figure out where to sit.
The other chair in the living area was too far away from either woman and he
thought that sitting next to Mara on the couch might be a bit too close for her
comfort.
"You can't expect me to react appropriately, when I'm not given all the information,"
Callista explained.
Finally, he grabbed a chair from the dining table and pulled it over to sit
directly across from Mara, with Callista to his right. This way, not only could
he reach either of them quickly with a restraining or comforting hand, but he
could see both of their faces.
At the moment, Mara's face was extremely tense, but she was nodding again at
Callista. "Just so you know…I didn't mean to be so reticent before, it's
just…" She paused and glanced at Luke, who managed to give her a supportive
nod. He was surprised, but impressed that she was being so open with Callista.
"It's just that it's difficult to talk about."
Callista nodded with cautious sympathy. "I know this must be very personal for
you, Mara, but remember that I'm not trying to judge you."
Mara cleared her throat suddenly and turned away from the other woman for a few
moments.
Luke felt himself flushing in embarrassment on Callista's behalf—she had
already judged Mara—and then felt somehow traitorous for the emotion.
"Alright. It was right after we got out of the tunnels," Mara began suddenly,
still not looking at Callista. She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her
knees and grasping her hands together.
Luke noted, only half-consciously, that he could easily reach forward to hold
her hands in his own as she spoke, but somehow it didn't feel appropriate to do
so just yet.
"Like I said before," Mara continued, "Skywalker and I had done a lot of
talking about the Jedi down there. About the New Order, the Academy, the
Council, and the Force, in general. It made me think…a lot…about what my issues
with the Jedi were. Why I was so reluctant to join, when it was clear to anyone
with half a brain that that's where my talents lie."
Callista made a tiny sound that Mara didn't seem to notice, but Luke turned to
the side to look at her. She looked vaguely disgusted for a moment, but quickly
covered the reaction. Unfortunately, Mara had noticed his movement and caught
part of Callista's expression. She stopped abruptly.
What did I say?
Nothing, he assured her. Just a culture gap.
It was true. Luke had learned long ago, that in Callista's day one did not
speak openly about her own abilities. It was considered haughty. Mara was one
of the most modest people Luke knew, but her modesty consisted of recognizing
her strengths and weaknesses, and not thinking she was better or worse than
others because of them. Admitting she was imminently suited to be a Jedi was
truthfulness, in Mara's eyes, not arrogance. Callista knew that, he was sure,
it was just difficult getting used to.
Mara looked at Callista a moment longer, then shrugged and continued. "I've
had, unfortunately, a lot of experience with the affects of misusing the Force.
I didn't want that again. I've known that was one of my uncertainties for a
long time. At least since the resurrection of the Emperor. I couldn't handle
that again. I couldn't. And when Luke…"
Mara stopped suddenly and lowered her head so that they couldn't see her face.
Luke stared at her bowed head in shock. They hadn't discussed the
resurrection of the Emperor on Nirauan. Mara had certainly never blatantly
expressed any fear that Luke might become another Emperor. The fact that she
had used his given name when discussing it, made it all the more an intensely
personal confession. This wasn't just about Mara and the Jedi, this was about
Mara's relationship with the Emperor…and her relationship with Luke.
Part of him was relieved, when she continued, that she didn't complete her
thought. Somehow it felt like too much an invasion of her privacy to discuss it
in front Callista. And Mara had willingly brought it up. He sent a pulse of
admiration to her through the Force and, though she didn't pause in what she
was saying, she sent a grateful pulse back.
"…That's what I kept reminding myself, every time I left the Academy. I would
tell myself it was because Skywalker wasn't being careful enough—he couldn't
handle the responsibility of so many Force users. I convinced myself that they
were all walking perilously close to the Darkside."
"Is that when you started working with Kyle Katarn?" Callista asked, suddenly.
Luke had become so focused on Mara that he had forgotten to watch for
Callista's reactions. Right now she seemed mostly curious. Intrigued, was perhaps
the better word. If there was something else going on inside her head, he
couldn't read it in her face.
"You have to understand. This was over a long period of time. I don't remember
exactly when Kyle and I hooked up, but at that point I had myself convinced
that the only reason I wasn't training at the Academy was because I
disagreed with its methods."
"But that wasn't true," Callista prompted.
Mara shook her head. "No." She suddenly held up a hand. "Now, don't get me
wrong, I don't agree with all of the methods—it just wasn't the only
reason why I wouldn't join."
Mara stopped talking and seemed to be unsure of how to continue. Luke glanced
over at Callista, catching her attention, and subtly lifted his eyebrows. If
anyone could talk Mara through this it was Callista. One of the greatest skills
Callista had retained from her Jedi training was her ability to actively listen
to a person and draw out what they were trying to say.
Without any outward response, Callista turned back to Mara. "What happened on
Nirauan that made you better able to deal with some of your other issues?"
Mara shrugged and leaned back onto the couch. To Luke's surprise her eyes were
on him and he felt some annoyance from her through the Force. His silent
exchange with Callista must not have been as subtle as he thought.
Sorry.
Mara just rolled her eyes in response, before returning her attention to
Callista. "Most of it was just getting stuck with Skywalker for so long. There
was no one around to have a decent conversation with, so I had to talk to him."
Thanks.
Mara didn't try to hide her grin at his surly response to her jab. In fact, she
brightened up so much that Luke couldn't help but interrupt her again.
You really get some sort of perverse pleasure out of annoying me, don't you?
Mara's grin widened. One of my few joys in life, Skywalker.
Luke tried hard to stay annoyed with her, but it was nice to see her in such a
good mood. Well, far be it from me to deny you any…
"If you two are quite finished."
Luke jumped in surprise at Callista's interruption. After all these years with
her, he still wasn't quite used to being caught off guard. Generally speaking,
he was able—consciously or not—to sense things before they happened. With
Callista, he had to rely solely on facial expressions and body language to read
what was going on inside. They knew each other so well by now that it usually
worked. This time, however, her reaction had been totally unexpected.
Of course, he had been somewhat distracted.
Callista was looking at them both with a strange expression on her face. It was
as if she was trying to look amused, but failing. She wouldn't meet his eyes,
but he was sure that if she had he would have read some deep hurt in them…and
an even deeper guilt at feeling that way.
He opened his mouth to apologize, but decided that it was a conversation that
would have to wait until Mara was gone.
"I'm sorry," Mara said, breaking in on his thoughts. "But sometimes Skywalker
is just asking for it."
"I know what you mean," Callista agreed.
Luke winced inwardly at the somewhat bitter tone of her voice. They would
definitely have to have a conversation when Mara was gone.
Callista cleared her throat in the uncomfortable silence that followed. "So,
how was Luke able to assuage your worries about the Academy?"
Mara snorted. "He wasn't really. He just…" She rubbed her hand over her
face and raked her fingers back into her hair, causing a few strands to escape
her braid. "He was willing to listen to me. He didn't make me feel like
I was being blasphemous for voicing doubts on the system."
Luke watched Mara intently. He could feel deep emotions churning beneath the
surface, not all of which he could identify. His hand itched to take hers, to
touch her reassuringly in some way, but she was sitting far back on the couch
now, with her arms crossed tightly over her chest. He was hesitant to speak to
her through the force, for fear of offending Callista, but he sent her small
waves of reassurance. She didn't respond, but he could tell that she was
keeping herself open to him.
"He gave you confidence that you wouldn't be rejected if you did decide to
join, even with all of your doubts."
Luke turned briefly to look at Callista in admiration. She was focused on Mara
and Luke knew that her comments were helping move Mara in the right direction.
"Not exactly," Mara disagreed. "That was partly it, of course, but even more
than that… He made me feel that joining the Jedi wouldn't take away my ability
to make my own decisions… I could humble myself to the Jedi and still have some
degree of control over my own destiny. Nothing was set in stone; I wouldn't get
caught up in a wave of conformity that would stifle my own individuality."
"You weren't afraid of losing your independence anymore if you did join,"
Callista encouraged softly.
"Yes," Mara nodded vigorously, then stopped abruptly and shook her head. "No. It wasn't that I wasn't afraid of losing it…
My independence…I always thought that it made me strong. I needed it…"
Mara…
Mara wouldn't meet his eyes, but she wasn't cutting him off from her emotions,
either.
"You don't understand," she continued, and Luke was sure that the words were
directed more at him than at Callista, but he said nothing. "Since the Emperor
died… No, since I expelled him from my psyche for good on Wayland. Since I
realized how much control he had had over me even after his death…" She looked
up somewhat wildly at Callista. "If I hadn't killed that clone, I don't think
that I would have ever gotten rid of the desire to kill Skywalker. It would
always have been there, no matter how much I didn't want to fulfill it. Do you
know what that means? Do you know what that says about me?"
Out of the corner of his eye, Luke saw Callista nod sympathetically, but it
barely registered. He had let his head drop into his hands as he eyes welled up
with tears. The emotions from Mara were so intense, so deep, that his heart
felt like it was about to burst.
"I needed that independence. I needed it. It made me strong. No
one was ever going to control me like the Emperor had. No one. Not the Jedi.
Not even Skywalker, no matter how much I trusted him…"
"Then you didn't trust me, Mara. Not really." Luke was surprised at the
sound of his own voice. At the bitterness.
Mara looked at him. She wasn't crying, but her eyes were red. "I did,
Luke. I did. You know that I did."
He opened his mouth to contradict her, but she continued on quickly. "I trusted
you as much as I trusted anyone. More than I trusted anyone. More than I
trusted Karrde, no matter how loyal I was to him. Do you understand that? I
told you things I never told anyone. You didn't judge me. Not ever. Even after
everything I did to you. Even when I swore up and down that I wanted to kill
you."
Luke shook his head. "Then why didn't you support me? Why didn't you join me
when I was trying to build a new Order? You didn't trust me."
Mara stared at him for a few moments. Then she spoke again quietly. "I trusted
you more than anyone. But no, I didn't trust you completely. I couldn't. I
trusted you, but I didn't trust the Force. And you represented the Force; in my
mind you were the Force. I know…I know that doesn't make any sense, but
it's true. You came back from the resurrected Emperor so confident. So
sure of yourself. So sure of your understanding of the Force… And what
was I supposed to say to you? Who was I to tell you that you were going about
it all wrong? You wouldn't have listened to me."
Luke opened his mouth to disagree, but she was right. He wouldn't have listened
to her back then.
"And then you found Callista and she came with her descriptions of the Old
Order. It was as if she had just proved you right…" Mara gasped quietly and
turned to look at Callista who was watching compassionately. "I'm sorry, but
you just seemed to reinforce everything that scared me. This headlong, heedless
plunge further and faster till none of you could stop yourselves. I needed
control, I needed limitations. The Old Order had produced Darth Vader. It had
crumbled in on itself and all any of you wanted to do was to duplicate it exactly.
No matter how much I trusted Skywalker, I didn't trust him with the Academy, I
didn't trust him with this New Order. I
didn't trust him with you. So I got as far away from all of it as I could. I
needed control. And, for a while, I felt that denying it, denying everything,
would give me that control. I was in control of myself, I was in control of my
powers. Nothing would control me."
Only now did Mara's eyes well up. Luke felt a tear spill over onto his own
cheek and when Mara turned to look at him her own eyes immediately overflowed.
Luke reached out his hands toward her, but she instinctively pulled her own
away.
Mara…Mara, please…
And suddenly, in an uncharacteristically clumsy motion, Mara blindly shoved her
hands at him. He caught them in his own and held tight.
"That's what the Fire was to me," Mara explained, as the tears continued
to flow. "It was my independence. It was my control. It meant that I didn't
need anyone or anything."
"And you sacrificed it." Callista's soft voice calmed Luke, but he could feel
Mara's hands begin to tremble.
"Because it was a lie," Mara admitted. "I was so sure that I was so in control.
That I was so strong. But in the tunnels, with Skywalker… I needed him…and he
needed me. And it didn't make us weak, it made us stronger. It made us stronger
when we worked together, it made us greater. I'm not perfect, Skywalker isn't
perfect, the Order isn't perfect…the galaxy isn't perfect. It never will be.
But we're not alone. The Force joins us all, it pulls us all together. We can
do more when we're together…when we listen to each other…when we listen to the
Force."
You knew that, Mara, Luke told her, forgetting to speak in deference to
Callista. You always knew that.
Mara nodded. "I knew it. But I couldn't admit it. I wouldn't admit it."
Luke tugged at her hands, trying to pull her into a hug. She had let him hug
her twice on Nirauan. But she resisted him, to his frustration.
"Mara…" he began, trying to convince her to let him comfort her.
No.
The response was very firm and when Luke saw an image of Callista flash across
his mind, he loosened his grip on her hands.
The three of them sat like that, in silence, for a while, till Callista finally
spoke.
"Mara, thank you for telling me that."
Luke turned in surprise at the sound of Callista's voice. He had never heard
her sound so uncertain, so…so young. Callista always sounded confident,
always sure of herself. It was one of the things he loved about her: there were
never any doubts with Callista. There were never any gray areas. There was only
resolution…and action.
"I know that it was hard for you to talk about." Callista's confidence seemed
to return suddenly. She reached out a hand and squeezed Mara's shoulder. To
Luke's surprise—and pride—Mara didn't shrug her off. "I would be happy to
accept you into the Order." She grinned. "No matter how much I'm afraid you're
going to shake things up."
Mara nodded. "Thank you. That means a lot to me."
Callista smiled, then stood abruptly. "I'll make you a drink. I think we could
all use something, actually."
Mara's face suddenly transformed back to its usual detached expression, as she
stood swiftly, unceremoniously yanking her hands out of Luke's grip. "No.
That's all right. I need to get going. I've spent too much time here, as it
is." Her eyes flicked back and forth between Luke and Callista and then quickly
down at her feet. Luke could feel her closing up against him. "I'm sure you'd
like some time alone. I didn't mean to intrude…"
"It's all right," Luke said quickly, rising to his feet. "We didn't mind.
Really."
He glanced at Callista for confirmation, but she was looking away from him.
"Thanks," Mara said dryly, also glancing at Callista. "But, like I said, I need
to get going."
She started walking toward to door, stopping as she passed Callista. "Thanks
again for listening."
Callista looked down at her with a somewhat distracted smile. "Of course." She
seemed to hesitate. "Mara…I'm glad, you know. And thank you…for everything.
You…you're welcome back anytime."
Mara nodded with a stiff smile on her own face. "Yeah. It's fine. Thank you."
Callista nodded and they broke eye contact as Mara continued to the door. Luke
squeezed Callista's arm quickly and hurried after Mara.
"Mara, I'll walk you out," he said.
Mara glanced back at Callista again for a moment. "I can manage by myself,
Skywalker," she told him. But Luke ignored her, following her out into the
hallway.
They walked silently down the hallway to the lift. Mara didn't protest his
coming again, but he could tell that she was somewhat annoyed at him.
They maintained the silence as they waited for the lift.
Mara didn't
seem to want to talk and Luke couldn't figure out a way to express what he
wanted to say. He wasn't even sure what it was. But it was with a growing panic
he didn't quite understand that he watched the lift doors slide open and Mara
step in. Then, just as the doors were closing, he reached an arm in and pressed
the stop button.
Mara stared at him in surprise.
"Mara…I'm sorry," he told her, something desperate in his voice.
Mara looked down. "There's nothing to be sorry for, Skywalker."
"What you said about me in there," he continued, as though she hadn't
interrupted. "You were right. If I had just listened to you…"
Mara shook her head, still not looking at him. "It's not your fault. It's mine.
I wouldn't have said anything, anyway."
"But if we had talked, we could have…" he took a step toward her. "Ten years,
Mara…"
"It doesn't matter," she answered, stonily. "It wouldn't have made a
difference."
He reached out and took her hand in his. "What you said about Nirauan. I felt
it, too. I did need you. You made me stronger." He let go of her hand and
brought his hands up to hold her face. She kept her eyes on the floor. "I do
need you, Mara. You know that, don't you?"
Mara didn't nod, she seemed frozen somehow, and she wasn't letting anything
through to him. "Promise you'll come to Yavin. Promise," he said, softly.
"I promise," she said, without hesitation.
Relief flowed through him. "Thank you," he whispered.
Mara didn't respond, still wouldn't look up at him. He meant to hug her then,
it was what he commanded his limbs to do. But, instead, he found himself
inexplicably, irrationally, bending his head to kiss her.
Suddenly Mara's head jerked up and Luke checked his movement, turning his head
to the side to kiss her quickly and innocently on the cheek. He convinced
himself that this was what he meant to do in the first place.
Mara stared at him with something in her eyes that Luke couldn't interpret.
"Goodnight, Skywalker," she said, and something about the tone of her voice
made him step away from her.
"Goodnight, Mara."
He backed out of the lift, his mind in a whirl of confusion that he didn't even
attempt to make sense of. Mara reached over to the console and deactivated the
stop mechanism, without losing eye contact with him. The doors slid shut
between them.
Luke stared at the lift for a few moments before turning to go back to the
apartment, telling himself again that he had only meant it as a friendly kiss,
it was just the intensity of the emotions he was feeling for Mara that had
confused him. They had something special; he was only mixing it up in his mind
with his romantic emotions. Just like he had with Leia at the beginning. He
would get used to it eventually.
His feelings for Mara were not romantic. They were utterly different than his
feelings for Callista. Completely and utterly different. Mara didn't make him
feel the sheer contentment that he felt with Callista. She didn't make him
forget anything and everything that was going on around him. That was romance.
That was really being in love with someone.
Callista greeted him at the door of the apartment …and all thoughts of Mara
fled his mind, as he surrendered himself wordlessly to the bliss of Callista's
arms.
A/N: All right. This took me forever, but—trust me—this
is much better than what you would have gotten if I had posted it any earlier.
I hope to get more written by next Sunday. - Lari
