Somehow, I managed to stop shaking by the time I got to the animal shelter.
Otou-san and I took Dog-chan back to his kennel, and it was a stroke of
luck that Dr. Yuuki wasn't there that day. The lady on duty was a person I
knew ,but who thankfully didn't know about my father's former occupation.
When we got home, Oji-san was waiting for us. "Did you get Dog-chan to the animal shelter all right?" he murmured as he helped me take my coat off. You could hear the fear in his voice; hear him mentally kicking himself for letting Otou-san pick me and Dog-chan up.
"Yes," I answered, pulling off my shoes. "Dog-chan is fine."
It was more than just the safety of the dog that he was worried about. "Was Dr. Yuuki on duty when you came back?"
Otou-san answered the question for me. "No, it was a Dr. Sato," he said. "I had a rather nice talk with her, though I wouldn't mind seeing Dr. Yuuki again. It's been ten years since we last talked." He walked past me and I heard him open the hall closet to put his coat inside. "Don't worry, Subaru- kun," he added to Oji-san who was standing silent beside me, "I won't volunteer my veterinary services to them."
That was so Otou-san, always able to read Oji-san's emotion as if they were Brailled right on his body. It was that part of him I disliked immensely. The way he seemed to read Oji-san's mind and mine and play with them.
I turned to Oji-san and tugged on his shirt. "Dog-chan is fine," I said, not sure of what else I could say to smooth the tension.
Oji-san returned his attention to me. "I'm glad to hear that," he said, trying to do his part in making the atmosphere more comfortable. Which obviously meant living Otou-san out of the conversation. Oji-san kneeled down to my level and said, "I'm making ramen for supper. Do you want to help me?"
"Sure!" I said and started to head to my room. "I'm going to get Beloved, okay?" I liked to listen to GLAY as I fixed the meals, just like I usually had it on when I cleaned up my room and did my homework.
"For God's sake," Otou-san said in disgust, "will you give that band a break? You played it since you woke up this morning and finished all of three CDs before you finally left to go out with Subaru-kun."
Actually, while I did play through all of Review and Beat Out, I was one song away from finishing Beloved when Otou-san opened my door and threatened to murder the members of the band if I didn't play something else.
(It became a joke between Kamui and I a year later that if I ever did become a Sakurazukamori and he turned into dark version of himself, that we would kill everyone except Oji-san of course and the members of GLAY and possibly Luna Sea only they disbanded soon afterwards so they became fair game.)
"No one asked you to join," I snapped at Otou-san. I was still resenting him for bringing me to the park and exposing me to the Sakurazukamori side of myself that I didn't want to face. I had been acutely aware of Dog- chan's pulse on the drive back to the shelter. It was all I could do from running my hand through his heart and feeling his life drain away into me, giving me the same sensations that the tree gave me when I put my hands on it.
I wasn't even ten yet and the pull was that strong. When I reached fourteen or fifteen.
I felt a firm hand on my shoulder. "We don't need music to cook,
Hitomi-chan." Oji-san told me gently and guided me to kitchen. I heard the surprise in his voice at my outburst. "We can just talk."
I smiled. "Okay," I said, going into the kitchen with him. I think he was sick of GLAY ,too. Well, I have been blasting it throughout the
apartment for the last six months or so. The only thing scarier than a noncaring, soul absorbing, remorseless Sakurazukamori is a GLAY infatuated noncaring, soul absorbing, remorseless Sakurazukamori.
"But I have to play it after dinner then for the plants, don't forget," I reminded Oji-san.
"What plants?" Otou-san asked.
If I ignored him, Oji-san might pry to find out what was wrong between Otou- san and me. I stopped at the threshold between the kitchen and the living room and briefly told Otou-san about the plants and music assignment.
"I see," said Otou-san. "When is it due?"
I shrugged noncommittally. "Not for a while," I replied, "But I figured it was a good idea to get a head start."
"It certainly isn't a bad idea," Otou-san said, and there was smile in his voice. "Subaru-kun never got to his homework until the last minute and you can imagine the rush he was in the morning before school started."
I will say this for my father: he always knew the right things to say. I perked up immediately. "Did he really?" I asked eagerly and before giving Otou-san a chance to answer, turned my attention to Oji-san. "Did you really?"
I heard Oji-san pulling things out of the refrigeration and putting them on the counter beside. "Yes," he admitted. "I was a terrible student. It's a wonder they allowed me to graduate."
"You had your onmyouji practise and a baby to care for," Otou-san said drily.
Even at a distance, I could feel Oji-san's contempt. "True," he said coldly. "There were a lot of things going on then."
I had an idea of things he was talking about that went on in our household during my babyhood, but with Oji-san there, I wasn't in the mood to ask. I turned my attention to Otou-san instead. "What kind of a student were you?" I asked curiously.
"A model student, of course," Otou-san responded as if it was obvious, which it was. He was smart and neat and organised.
"Really? I figured you'd be a terror."
Otou-san chuckled. "Well, in kindergarten, I did threaten any kids who crossed my path that I would feed them to the Sakura Tree."
I chortled loud and hard, and then stopped abruptly, painfully conscious of Oji-san standing rigid in front of us. Immediately, I felt my shoulders tense, my chest grow heavy as I waited for either one of my parents to speak.
The refrigerator door slammed.
"It's a joke, Subaru-kun," Otou-san said coolly. "Surely even you can take one of those."
Oji-san put something down with a bang. "I can't believe you would joke about something like that after what you did today." It was one of those rare times that I heard him truly angry in my presence. I heard him argue with Otou-san before, late at night when he thought I was asleep. He always tried to keep me out of the fights between my father and him. It didn't matter. I always heard them, and when they weren't about a dead body, they were about me.
"That girl-" It was Oji-san's turn to stop abruptly as he remembered that I was there.
I was standing still, feeling uncomfortable and guilty, as though I had somehow started the whole thing.
"Go on, Subaru-kun," Otou-san challenged. He was the only one of us who was perfectly relaxed and calm at that moment. You could hear that smile again. "She knows, you know. She has known for a very long time."
The entire apartment suddenly seemed devoid of oxygen, like it was holding its breath. My body was drawn up and tense, and I flinched when Oji-san said in a voice so calm it was screaming with tension, "what do you mean?"
Occasionally, Otou-san can be point blank and he was this time. "She knows about our little conflict, Subaru-kun," he said, and every word struck me at the shoulders. Hard. "How I like to kill and how you try to save those I kill."
The air was so thick with tension and shock it was a wonder Otou-san was untouched by it. He was almost serene. And I stood there, perfectly still except for my hands, which were grabbing and clenching the fabric of my skirt.
But the person who was truly in shock was Oji-san, who said disbelieving, "impossible. How could she know?" And his voice grew angry. "Unless you told her."
"I assure you I didn't," Otou-san said calmly to Oji-san's anger. "She's a Sakurazuka, whether you will accept that or not. She is born with a number of natural gifts. One of them is a hunter's instinctual knowledge. Another is the desire for blood-"
"Shut up!"
I was startled. It was the first time I heard Oji-san say that and it almost frightened me. Oji-san was the only person in the world who could frighten me for the simple reason that I loved him. The thing I was afraid of most was losing his love.
I heard Otou-san give a dramatic sigh and then shift position. "I best get going," he said to Oji-san, who was breathing heavily behind me. "I have to dispose of that body properly."
"Seishirou-san," Oji-san growled warningly.
"Didn't I already tell you she knows?" Otou-san said innocently. "She's even touched the body today. If you don't believe me, ask her what we did after I picked her up from Lady Sumeragi's. You might want to think twice before leaving her with a dog after
that."
OTOU-SAN! I remember wanting to scream. I wanted to explode at him, to explode at Oji-san, to shriek and stamp my foot and hit something. But for some reason, I couldn't. I remained dumb and unable to move.
Otou-san walked down to the door as serenely as if we had just finished eating a pleasant family dinner and closed the door behind him cheerfully.
It was several moments after the door closed that Oji-san was able to compose himself enough to walk up to me. "Hitomi," he said softly, dropping down to my level.
I put my hands on my face. "I'm so sorry, Oji-san!" I said and did something I haven't done since I was a baby. I started to cry. "I'm so sorry."
"Hitomi!" He was clearly alarmed at my tears and started to put his arms around me.
"It's Otou-san's fault!" I accused. "I didn't know where we were going."
"Shh," he said, taking my hands down. "It's okay."
"I didn't know, honest," I added.
"It's okay," he repeated, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ears. "Hitomi, look at me."
The moment the last word left his mouth, he flinched and I gave a tragic ghost of a laugh, knowing what he was mentally kicking himself for. It was strange. I understood the term to mean that I had to turn my face in their direction, so I didn't find it weird, although Oji-san obviously felt the wrongness of the phrase more than I did. After I laughed though, I felt him start to relax.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
I nodded my head.
"Good," he said gently. There was a long moment where Oji-san collected himself together. Then he said, "Why don't you tell me what happened today then?"
We sat down at the kitchen table with a glass of milk each and I told him everything about my excursion to Ueno Park with Otou-san and Dog-chan, even the part where I wanted to kill Dog-chan. It felt good to tell someone.
"You didn't want to hurt the dog, did you?" he asked.
I shook my head vehemently. "You know I wouldn't want to hurt him for the world."
"I do," he assured me.
"But at the same time I wanted to kill him," I said, feeling confused and frustrated. "I wanted to run my hand through his heart."
I could tell Oji-san was clearly upset, but he remained gentle. "That was just your instinctual side," he assured me. "You'll be able to control it if you want to." But you could hear the fear in his voice, the doubt in it. He wasn't as good as Otou-san about hiding his emotions.
"Do you really think so?" I ask, wanting so badly to believe it, but at the same, doubting it every bit as much as Oji-san did.
"You're half Sumeragi," he murmured. "You have the power to do what you want."
Half Sumeragi. Strange, when your mother's dead and you bear the last name of your father, you feel like you belong to his clan, even if you're living with your uncle and see your Sumeragi great grandmother occasionally.
I wonder if the blood of the two clans were ever suppose to mix and produce a child. I was a freak accident, really. On one hand, I was part of a clan that killed people without feeling anything for it. On the other, I belong to a long history of helpers who felt, love, and cared for people.
It's not wonder I'm as screwed up as I am.
"I hope so," I answered him almost bitterly. "I don't want to hurt animals like Otou-san does."
"What about people?" I guess he had to know. He put a hand over mine on the table when I didn't answer. "What did you feel when you touched that dead body?"
My fingers curled under his hand, fingernails scraping lightly against the polished surface. "Life," I answered. "It's easy to wipe it out."
There was more I wanted to say, but I was suddenly aware of how tense Oji- san was beside me. I didn't want to scare him away. "Oji-san," I said, "would you hate me if I became a Sakurazukamori?"
He said, "no," so sweetly that it made me feel horribly upset. "I could never hate you. No matter what happens, I'll always love you, Hitomi-chan."
It made no sense that his assurance should scare and sting so much. I almost wished he said he would throw me out into the streets if I became one.
His voice remained sweet. "But I'll fight you," he murmured.
That obviously didn't make me feel better either. "Like you fight Otou- san?" I asked miserably.
"No," he said, and he touched my cheek. "I'll fight the Sakurazukamori side off you to get my Hitomi back."
For some reason, I couldn't say the words or make my body act in a way to show how much those words meant to me. I couldn't even smile at him.
But I think he knew how grateful I was.
- - - - - - - -
End of chapter 4
When we got home, Oji-san was waiting for us. "Did you get Dog-chan to the animal shelter all right?" he murmured as he helped me take my coat off. You could hear the fear in his voice; hear him mentally kicking himself for letting Otou-san pick me and Dog-chan up.
"Yes," I answered, pulling off my shoes. "Dog-chan is fine."
It was more than just the safety of the dog that he was worried about. "Was Dr. Yuuki on duty when you came back?"
Otou-san answered the question for me. "No, it was a Dr. Sato," he said. "I had a rather nice talk with her, though I wouldn't mind seeing Dr. Yuuki again. It's been ten years since we last talked." He walked past me and I heard him open the hall closet to put his coat inside. "Don't worry, Subaru- kun," he added to Oji-san who was standing silent beside me, "I won't volunteer my veterinary services to them."
That was so Otou-san, always able to read Oji-san's emotion as if they were Brailled right on his body. It was that part of him I disliked immensely. The way he seemed to read Oji-san's mind and mine and play with them.
I turned to Oji-san and tugged on his shirt. "Dog-chan is fine," I said, not sure of what else I could say to smooth the tension.
Oji-san returned his attention to me. "I'm glad to hear that," he said, trying to do his part in making the atmosphere more comfortable. Which obviously meant living Otou-san out of the conversation. Oji-san kneeled down to my level and said, "I'm making ramen for supper. Do you want to help me?"
"Sure!" I said and started to head to my room. "I'm going to get Beloved, okay?" I liked to listen to GLAY as I fixed the meals, just like I usually had it on when I cleaned up my room and did my homework.
"For God's sake," Otou-san said in disgust, "will you give that band a break? You played it since you woke up this morning and finished all of three CDs before you finally left to go out with Subaru-kun."
Actually, while I did play through all of Review and Beat Out, I was one song away from finishing Beloved when Otou-san opened my door and threatened to murder the members of the band if I didn't play something else.
(It became a joke between Kamui and I a year later that if I ever did become a Sakurazukamori and he turned into dark version of himself, that we would kill everyone except Oji-san of course and the members of GLAY and possibly Luna Sea only they disbanded soon afterwards so they became fair game.)
"No one asked you to join," I snapped at Otou-san. I was still resenting him for bringing me to the park and exposing me to the Sakurazukamori side of myself that I didn't want to face. I had been acutely aware of Dog- chan's pulse on the drive back to the shelter. It was all I could do from running my hand through his heart and feeling his life drain away into me, giving me the same sensations that the tree gave me when I put my hands on it.
I wasn't even ten yet and the pull was that strong. When I reached fourteen or fifteen.
I felt a firm hand on my shoulder. "We don't need music to cook,
Hitomi-chan." Oji-san told me gently and guided me to kitchen. I heard the surprise in his voice at my outburst. "We can just talk."
I smiled. "Okay," I said, going into the kitchen with him. I think he was sick of GLAY ,too. Well, I have been blasting it throughout the
apartment for the last six months or so. The only thing scarier than a noncaring, soul absorbing, remorseless Sakurazukamori is a GLAY infatuated noncaring, soul absorbing, remorseless Sakurazukamori.
"But I have to play it after dinner then for the plants, don't forget," I reminded Oji-san.
"What plants?" Otou-san asked.
If I ignored him, Oji-san might pry to find out what was wrong between Otou- san and me. I stopped at the threshold between the kitchen and the living room and briefly told Otou-san about the plants and music assignment.
"I see," said Otou-san. "When is it due?"
I shrugged noncommittally. "Not for a while," I replied, "But I figured it was a good idea to get a head start."
"It certainly isn't a bad idea," Otou-san said, and there was smile in his voice. "Subaru-kun never got to his homework until the last minute and you can imagine the rush he was in the morning before school started."
I will say this for my father: he always knew the right things to say. I perked up immediately. "Did he really?" I asked eagerly and before giving Otou-san a chance to answer, turned my attention to Oji-san. "Did you really?"
I heard Oji-san pulling things out of the refrigeration and putting them on the counter beside. "Yes," he admitted. "I was a terrible student. It's a wonder they allowed me to graduate."
"You had your onmyouji practise and a baby to care for," Otou-san said drily.
Even at a distance, I could feel Oji-san's contempt. "True," he said coldly. "There were a lot of things going on then."
I had an idea of things he was talking about that went on in our household during my babyhood, but with Oji-san there, I wasn't in the mood to ask. I turned my attention to Otou-san instead. "What kind of a student were you?" I asked curiously.
"A model student, of course," Otou-san responded as if it was obvious, which it was. He was smart and neat and organised.
"Really? I figured you'd be a terror."
Otou-san chuckled. "Well, in kindergarten, I did threaten any kids who crossed my path that I would feed them to the Sakura Tree."
I chortled loud and hard, and then stopped abruptly, painfully conscious of Oji-san standing rigid in front of us. Immediately, I felt my shoulders tense, my chest grow heavy as I waited for either one of my parents to speak.
The refrigerator door slammed.
"It's a joke, Subaru-kun," Otou-san said coolly. "Surely even you can take one of those."
Oji-san put something down with a bang. "I can't believe you would joke about something like that after what you did today." It was one of those rare times that I heard him truly angry in my presence. I heard him argue with Otou-san before, late at night when he thought I was asleep. He always tried to keep me out of the fights between my father and him. It didn't matter. I always heard them, and when they weren't about a dead body, they were about me.
"That girl-" It was Oji-san's turn to stop abruptly as he remembered that I was there.
I was standing still, feeling uncomfortable and guilty, as though I had somehow started the whole thing.
"Go on, Subaru-kun," Otou-san challenged. He was the only one of us who was perfectly relaxed and calm at that moment. You could hear that smile again. "She knows, you know. She has known for a very long time."
The entire apartment suddenly seemed devoid of oxygen, like it was holding its breath. My body was drawn up and tense, and I flinched when Oji-san said in a voice so calm it was screaming with tension, "what do you mean?"
Occasionally, Otou-san can be point blank and he was this time. "She knows about our little conflict, Subaru-kun," he said, and every word struck me at the shoulders. Hard. "How I like to kill and how you try to save those I kill."
The air was so thick with tension and shock it was a wonder Otou-san was untouched by it. He was almost serene. And I stood there, perfectly still except for my hands, which were grabbing and clenching the fabric of my skirt.
But the person who was truly in shock was Oji-san, who said disbelieving, "impossible. How could she know?" And his voice grew angry. "Unless you told her."
"I assure you I didn't," Otou-san said calmly to Oji-san's anger. "She's a Sakurazuka, whether you will accept that or not. She is born with a number of natural gifts. One of them is a hunter's instinctual knowledge. Another is the desire for blood-"
"Shut up!"
I was startled. It was the first time I heard Oji-san say that and it almost frightened me. Oji-san was the only person in the world who could frighten me for the simple reason that I loved him. The thing I was afraid of most was losing his love.
I heard Otou-san give a dramatic sigh and then shift position. "I best get going," he said to Oji-san, who was breathing heavily behind me. "I have to dispose of that body properly."
"Seishirou-san," Oji-san growled warningly.
"Didn't I already tell you she knows?" Otou-san said innocently. "She's even touched the body today. If you don't believe me, ask her what we did after I picked her up from Lady Sumeragi's. You might want to think twice before leaving her with a dog after
that."
OTOU-SAN! I remember wanting to scream. I wanted to explode at him, to explode at Oji-san, to shriek and stamp my foot and hit something. But for some reason, I couldn't. I remained dumb and unable to move.
Otou-san walked down to the door as serenely as if we had just finished eating a pleasant family dinner and closed the door behind him cheerfully.
It was several moments after the door closed that Oji-san was able to compose himself enough to walk up to me. "Hitomi," he said softly, dropping down to my level.
I put my hands on my face. "I'm so sorry, Oji-san!" I said and did something I haven't done since I was a baby. I started to cry. "I'm so sorry."
"Hitomi!" He was clearly alarmed at my tears and started to put his arms around me.
"It's Otou-san's fault!" I accused. "I didn't know where we were going."
"Shh," he said, taking my hands down. "It's okay."
"I didn't know, honest," I added.
"It's okay," he repeated, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ears. "Hitomi, look at me."
The moment the last word left his mouth, he flinched and I gave a tragic ghost of a laugh, knowing what he was mentally kicking himself for. It was strange. I understood the term to mean that I had to turn my face in their direction, so I didn't find it weird, although Oji-san obviously felt the wrongness of the phrase more than I did. After I laughed though, I felt him start to relax.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
I nodded my head.
"Good," he said gently. There was a long moment where Oji-san collected himself together. Then he said, "Why don't you tell me what happened today then?"
We sat down at the kitchen table with a glass of milk each and I told him everything about my excursion to Ueno Park with Otou-san and Dog-chan, even the part where I wanted to kill Dog-chan. It felt good to tell someone.
"You didn't want to hurt the dog, did you?" he asked.
I shook my head vehemently. "You know I wouldn't want to hurt him for the world."
"I do," he assured me.
"But at the same time I wanted to kill him," I said, feeling confused and frustrated. "I wanted to run my hand through his heart."
I could tell Oji-san was clearly upset, but he remained gentle. "That was just your instinctual side," he assured me. "You'll be able to control it if you want to." But you could hear the fear in his voice, the doubt in it. He wasn't as good as Otou-san about hiding his emotions.
"Do you really think so?" I ask, wanting so badly to believe it, but at the same, doubting it every bit as much as Oji-san did.
"You're half Sumeragi," he murmured. "You have the power to do what you want."
Half Sumeragi. Strange, when your mother's dead and you bear the last name of your father, you feel like you belong to his clan, even if you're living with your uncle and see your Sumeragi great grandmother occasionally.
I wonder if the blood of the two clans were ever suppose to mix and produce a child. I was a freak accident, really. On one hand, I was part of a clan that killed people without feeling anything for it. On the other, I belong to a long history of helpers who felt, love, and cared for people.
It's not wonder I'm as screwed up as I am.
"I hope so," I answered him almost bitterly. "I don't want to hurt animals like Otou-san does."
"What about people?" I guess he had to know. He put a hand over mine on the table when I didn't answer. "What did you feel when you touched that dead body?"
My fingers curled under his hand, fingernails scraping lightly against the polished surface. "Life," I answered. "It's easy to wipe it out."
There was more I wanted to say, but I was suddenly aware of how tense Oji- san was beside me. I didn't want to scare him away. "Oji-san," I said, "would you hate me if I became a Sakurazukamori?"
He said, "no," so sweetly that it made me feel horribly upset. "I could never hate you. No matter what happens, I'll always love you, Hitomi-chan."
It made no sense that his assurance should scare and sting so much. I almost wished he said he would throw me out into the streets if I became one.
His voice remained sweet. "But I'll fight you," he murmured.
That obviously didn't make me feel better either. "Like you fight Otou- san?" I asked miserably.
"No," he said, and he touched my cheek. "I'll fight the Sakurazukamori side off you to get my Hitomi back."
For some reason, I couldn't say the words or make my body act in a way to show how much those words meant to me. I couldn't even smile at him.
But I think he knew how grateful I was.
- - - - - - - -
End of chapter 4
