Disclaimer: Takahashi-sama owns Inuyasha.
Belonging nowhere
By miyamoto yui
Part 5 – On the edge of letting go.
Taking one more glance at her sleeping face, Sesshomaru tilted his head to study this woman that had turned him inside out. Then, he leaned forward as he whispered warmly in her ear, "Rin…Rin…"
"Mmm…" she responded as she blinked her eyes. "Yes, Sesshomaru-sama?"
Then, she looked around with a disoriented mind that had just broken from happy sleep. When Rin was finally awake, she found Sesshomaru next to her. Then, she remembered what had happened.
He was still holding onto her. Almost as if he didn't want to let go.
In a blink, his warm face became cold once more. With that, he let go her as she still thought of wanting to touch his face.
He had looked so troubled at that moment.
She gathered her clothes and walked to the river without discretion. Sesshomaru began to dress once more as he stole glances at Rin's pure, white body bathing. She just nodded her head at him and then dressed quickly.
Many things were running through her head as she wrapped her sash around her waist, but she couldn't really focus on them at that moment. As she pulled her string and tied her hair, she kneeled down to the river.
Taking a cloth once more in her hands, she dipped it and went over to Sesshomaru, who was standing his place, observing all that was around him. He was wondering what step he should take and where they should go when she pulled on his collar to make him bend towards her.
He just did so as Rin brought a cloth to his face. As she was about to rub his neck, he caught her wrist.
"No," he told her while not looking into her eyes.
"But Jaken will smell my scent all over you…" she whispered with concern.
"Does that bother you?" he asked her, still holding onto her wrist, but gently placing it down.
He knew that she wasn't. Sesshomaru knew very well that Rin wasn't about herself, but for himself. She would never be ashamed that she was with him.
At that moment, he just pulled her deep into the forest. There was a small lake with a mini-waterfall to one side.
The morning was still a little dark, but the dawn's rays was starting to change the sky. They knew that they were running out of time…
Sesshomaru stood in front of Rin and undid his clothing. He washed himself in the water as Rin waited in her place, as she had been told to.
He called, "Rin, come here."
"Yes, Sesshomaru-sama." She then came to find him dressing himself and she turned around while blushing a little. She was still getting accustomed to this predicament that they had put themselves in.
He shook his head as he said, "Look at me."
Rin turned around and looked straight at him. He began to dress once more with a look that said, "Is this the person you really want?"
But Rin couldn't see it.
This was a Sesshomaru that was new to her. He was always kind to her, but he never expressed that he cared so much.
Everything was by coincidence. Like the time that she had waited to be rescued when Kagura had kidnapped her.
She had _hoped_ that Sesshomaru would come and get her…
When they got back to where they had settled, Jaken was coming back from his rounds. "Hello, Jaken!" Rin smiled as she sat next to the fire trying to make breakfast for all of them. Though they didn't need to eat, they had been used to eating with Rin, for she never really liked eating alone.
"Oh, you are in good spirits now!" he commented with a smile while tapping his staff next to her. He patted her leg and she laughed. "I'm trying my best, Jaken."
Jaken then went over to Sesshomaru, who had a contemplative look on his face. The wind was running through his air like a small fan. Sesshomaru was still thinking of where to go.
It was then that Jaken stood next to Sesshomaru and whispered, "What will you do with Rin?"
"She will leave when the time comes," Sesshomaru said in a grave tone.
"I'm only saying this so that you won't-" Jaken started to say, until Sesshomaru had given him a death glare that promised the Angel of Death in a swift stroke if he spoke any further.
Sesshomaru looked onward and knew what Jaken would say. He didn't want to hear, "I'm only saying this so that you won't be hurt."
For they both knew that little bothered or touched the lump that had been dubbed nonexistent within Sesshomaru's body.
Jaken knew for a fact from the time that his master had taken in a human girl, she wasn't as worthless as he had thought she was. He thought she was a burden…
…until he had seen his master become cruel, yet gentle at the same time.
No one was allowed to touch Sesshomaru, but Sesshomaru allowed himself to be touched by this girl.
To hold his hair, to touch his cloak, to pat his cheeks…anyone else would have been killed in a split-second. Rin had been allowed to live and be cared for.
Jaken even used to get jealous that Rin was treated a little bit better than himself, but then he understood his master didn't favor one or the other. He treated them with the limited affection he could.
You live, that's great in itself.
They traveled again after a day, but whenever Jaken would leave, Sesshomaru and Rin would just sit next to one another in silence. She would try to read some of the books that she had gotten through Sesshomaru and Jaken.
Rin felt content as she laid her head on Sesshomaru's shoulder as she tried to decipher her book. He would point out some things to her and she would nod at his explanations.
They were living a bit like 'normal people' during the night. But when the day would come, they would act like the always had.
Jaken didn't suspect anything and obediently did his rounds night after night. For that was the best way to get information from other youkai as well as survey the area.
One night, Sesshomaru just patted Rin's hand and thought that he was getting to old though he would always look the way he had. He stared at his reflection later as Rin slept.
"Eternal youth and power," he said to the reflection in spite.
Turning away, he went to Rin and slept by her, wanting to be near her. She stirred and woke up. When she blinked her eyes, she smiled and hugged him. But because of that smile that he loved so well, Sesshomaru once again kissed her and took her once more.
This forbidden desire was tearing him apart though he showed no sign of his silent suffering, but Rin also was troubled. For a moment, she thought it was his pity for her, that he touched her and nothing else.
As she pulled him to kiss her, she wanted to comfort him. To make him stop thinking so much.
"Stop thinking all by yourself…" she whispered to his ear as he kissed her.
For she could feel his touch was changing…
One of uncertainty and fear…
Rin knew that she was doing something to change him. But she liked him the way he was, and so she became a little scared. For Sesshomaru to appear in any other light than her admiration would crush her, but for him to lose favor with her would be equally as painful…
"You aren't alone…" she whispered gently as she fell asleep.
"Was that the problem?" he thought to himself.
How she could read him so well, he would never understand…
Did he distance himself because of what he was?
Was he afraid of whom he was becoming?
…or was he always this way, trying to mask it over with a confident look?
No, he wasn't like that. It was because of Rin that these strange thoughts had come to him and he knew they could become truthful…
As he was about to fall asleep, Rin wrapped her arm around Sesshomaru's shoulders from behind. Then, she quietly sang to him a verse of a song that she had made while Sesshomaru disappeared for hours and days at a time,
"No matter what happens,
he told me to wait here for him.
And here I will stay
Because I believe in him."
He closed his eyes as he patted Rin's hand and held it all night long.
"It is only because you have been with me that you can love me whole-heartedly," Sesshomaru thought.
--
Almost a month later, Sesshomaru stopped walking and held his hand out in front of Rin. "You better rest here."
"Why?" Rin asked while trying to mask that she wasn't doing well.
Jaken looked at both of them and waited for what was going to happen.
Without looking at her, Sesshomaru said, "Don't try to hide that you are sick."
Rin shook her head.
He gave her a Look while she commented gently. "It's nothing. Let's continue."
"I'll return after I look around." And so Sesshomaru walked on without another word, treading the terrain of his father.
Jaken stayed with Rin while she read one of her books quietly. With a worried look, she turned to Jaken.
"I'm sorry that I'm not feeling well," she said to him.
"I know. That's why I've been assigned to stay here," he told her as he tried to write something on a scroll. "At least now, it was not as bad as when you were younger."
Rin laughed. "Am I that so bad?"
"Yes," he answered without hesitation. "At least now you stay in the same pl-"
At that moment, Rin smiled, but she ran over to a nearby river and threw up into the stream.
"Rin!" Jaken shouted as he patted her back.
"I'm all right…" she mumbled to him as she got up and walked over back to their spots.
"You must see a doctor," he pleaded softly to her.
She shook her head with her hands fidgeting. "It isn't that."
"But you must see a doctor. You've been ill for quite some time now." Jaken said as he stuck his staff in front of her as if he were going to scold her. It was only about of concern that he did and so she smiled more at him.
"So you knew also?" she asked, thinking was doing well with hiding her sickness.
Jaken shook his head. "Child, sometimes I know you better than you know yourself."
"Now if only Sesshomaru-sama would…" he mumbled quietly to himself.
"Let's go then," she said as she walked with Jaken to a nearby village.
As Jaken walked beside her, Rin's eyes became a bit distant, maturing in this past month to a stage that Jaken didn't really catch. But he knew that if he didn't take good care of Rin, Sesshomaru would have his head without hesitation and before he could say the words, "I…"
Rin came into a village and asked if she immediately see the doctor. Jaken was with her and patted her leg to lead her on as she dizzily followed a nice woman that lead her to the local doctor.
"Here…" the woman said with a gesture of her hand.
Jaken stood outside of the dwelling as Rin was seen by the doctor. The people looked at him strangely. Some didn't pay any attention, but some were angered that a youkai was allowed to pass through their village so easily.
While exiting the dwelling, Rin bowed her head and gave what she could as payment to the doctor. He pushed it back to her as he shook his head. Patting her shoulder, he said the only thing he could. "Good luck."
Rin came out, she put her hand on her head and walked out of the village with Jaken and his worried expression right next to her..
"What did they say?" Jaken asked as they trudged through the greenery. "Is there anything wrong?"
Rin shook her head. "No, the doctor said I was perfectly healthy."
Surprised, Jaken asked, "Really?"
Then, she stopped and looked at the ground as Jaken found himself a few steps ahead of her. Rin looked up and she tilted her head while looking straight at him with a gentle expression.
Rin didn't know if she was happy or sad, or both at the same time as she continued to look at Jaken. With a wistful smile, she finished,
"A perfectly healthy mother."
Tsuzuku…
--
Author's note: I actually was going to put this part of the story in the end, but then I thought of other things that I could use, so I put it here. Very early in the story, but it gave me a lot of directions to go, and I'm enjoying this immensely.
I'm having a hard time with this fic as well as 'Wrapped around your finger' because they are told in the third-person omniscient. I'm usually okay with first-person narratives and I'm not very good with details. Please bear with me because I'm trying my best.
Belonging nowhere
By miyamoto yui
Part 5 – On the edge of letting go.
Taking one more glance at her sleeping face, Sesshomaru tilted his head to study this woman that had turned him inside out. Then, he leaned forward as he whispered warmly in her ear, "Rin…Rin…"
"Mmm…" she responded as she blinked her eyes. "Yes, Sesshomaru-sama?"
Then, she looked around with a disoriented mind that had just broken from happy sleep. When Rin was finally awake, she found Sesshomaru next to her. Then, she remembered what had happened.
He was still holding onto her. Almost as if he didn't want to let go.
In a blink, his warm face became cold once more. With that, he let go her as she still thought of wanting to touch his face.
He had looked so troubled at that moment.
She gathered her clothes and walked to the river without discretion. Sesshomaru began to dress once more as he stole glances at Rin's pure, white body bathing. She just nodded her head at him and then dressed quickly.
Many things were running through her head as she wrapped her sash around her waist, but she couldn't really focus on them at that moment. As she pulled her string and tied her hair, she kneeled down to the river.
Taking a cloth once more in her hands, she dipped it and went over to Sesshomaru, who was standing his place, observing all that was around him. He was wondering what step he should take and where they should go when she pulled on his collar to make him bend towards her.
He just did so as Rin brought a cloth to his face. As she was about to rub his neck, he caught her wrist.
"No," he told her while not looking into her eyes.
"But Jaken will smell my scent all over you…" she whispered with concern.
"Does that bother you?" he asked her, still holding onto her wrist, but gently placing it down.
He knew that she wasn't. Sesshomaru knew very well that Rin wasn't about herself, but for himself. She would never be ashamed that she was with him.
At that moment, he just pulled her deep into the forest. There was a small lake with a mini-waterfall to one side.
The morning was still a little dark, but the dawn's rays was starting to change the sky. They knew that they were running out of time…
Sesshomaru stood in front of Rin and undid his clothing. He washed himself in the water as Rin waited in her place, as she had been told to.
He called, "Rin, come here."
"Yes, Sesshomaru-sama." She then came to find him dressing himself and she turned around while blushing a little. She was still getting accustomed to this predicament that they had put themselves in.
He shook his head as he said, "Look at me."
Rin turned around and looked straight at him. He began to dress once more with a look that said, "Is this the person you really want?"
But Rin couldn't see it.
This was a Sesshomaru that was new to her. He was always kind to her, but he never expressed that he cared so much.
Everything was by coincidence. Like the time that she had waited to be rescued when Kagura had kidnapped her.
She had _hoped_ that Sesshomaru would come and get her…
When they got back to where they had settled, Jaken was coming back from his rounds. "Hello, Jaken!" Rin smiled as she sat next to the fire trying to make breakfast for all of them. Though they didn't need to eat, they had been used to eating with Rin, for she never really liked eating alone.
"Oh, you are in good spirits now!" he commented with a smile while tapping his staff next to her. He patted her leg and she laughed. "I'm trying my best, Jaken."
Jaken then went over to Sesshomaru, who had a contemplative look on his face. The wind was running through his air like a small fan. Sesshomaru was still thinking of where to go.
It was then that Jaken stood next to Sesshomaru and whispered, "What will you do with Rin?"
"She will leave when the time comes," Sesshomaru said in a grave tone.
"I'm only saying this so that you won't-" Jaken started to say, until Sesshomaru had given him a death glare that promised the Angel of Death in a swift stroke if he spoke any further.
Sesshomaru looked onward and knew what Jaken would say. He didn't want to hear, "I'm only saying this so that you won't be hurt."
For they both knew that little bothered or touched the lump that had been dubbed nonexistent within Sesshomaru's body.
Jaken knew for a fact from the time that his master had taken in a human girl, she wasn't as worthless as he had thought she was. He thought she was a burden…
…until he had seen his master become cruel, yet gentle at the same time.
No one was allowed to touch Sesshomaru, but Sesshomaru allowed himself to be touched by this girl.
To hold his hair, to touch his cloak, to pat his cheeks…anyone else would have been killed in a split-second. Rin had been allowed to live and be cared for.
Jaken even used to get jealous that Rin was treated a little bit better than himself, but then he understood his master didn't favor one or the other. He treated them with the limited affection he could.
You live, that's great in itself.
They traveled again after a day, but whenever Jaken would leave, Sesshomaru and Rin would just sit next to one another in silence. She would try to read some of the books that she had gotten through Sesshomaru and Jaken.
Rin felt content as she laid her head on Sesshomaru's shoulder as she tried to decipher her book. He would point out some things to her and she would nod at his explanations.
They were living a bit like 'normal people' during the night. But when the day would come, they would act like the always had.
Jaken didn't suspect anything and obediently did his rounds night after night. For that was the best way to get information from other youkai as well as survey the area.
One night, Sesshomaru just patted Rin's hand and thought that he was getting to old though he would always look the way he had. He stared at his reflection later as Rin slept.
"Eternal youth and power," he said to the reflection in spite.
Turning away, he went to Rin and slept by her, wanting to be near her. She stirred and woke up. When she blinked her eyes, she smiled and hugged him. But because of that smile that he loved so well, Sesshomaru once again kissed her and took her once more.
This forbidden desire was tearing him apart though he showed no sign of his silent suffering, but Rin also was troubled. For a moment, she thought it was his pity for her, that he touched her and nothing else.
As she pulled him to kiss her, she wanted to comfort him. To make him stop thinking so much.
"Stop thinking all by yourself…" she whispered to his ear as he kissed her.
For she could feel his touch was changing…
One of uncertainty and fear…
Rin knew that she was doing something to change him. But she liked him the way he was, and so she became a little scared. For Sesshomaru to appear in any other light than her admiration would crush her, but for him to lose favor with her would be equally as painful…
"You aren't alone…" she whispered gently as she fell asleep.
"Was that the problem?" he thought to himself.
How she could read him so well, he would never understand…
Did he distance himself because of what he was?
Was he afraid of whom he was becoming?
…or was he always this way, trying to mask it over with a confident look?
No, he wasn't like that. It was because of Rin that these strange thoughts had come to him and he knew they could become truthful…
As he was about to fall asleep, Rin wrapped her arm around Sesshomaru's shoulders from behind. Then, she quietly sang to him a verse of a song that she had made while Sesshomaru disappeared for hours and days at a time,
"No matter what happens,
he told me to wait here for him.
And here I will stay
Because I believe in him."
He closed his eyes as he patted Rin's hand and held it all night long.
"It is only because you have been with me that you can love me whole-heartedly," Sesshomaru thought.
--
Almost a month later, Sesshomaru stopped walking and held his hand out in front of Rin. "You better rest here."
"Why?" Rin asked while trying to mask that she wasn't doing well.
Jaken looked at both of them and waited for what was going to happen.
Without looking at her, Sesshomaru said, "Don't try to hide that you are sick."
Rin shook her head.
He gave her a Look while she commented gently. "It's nothing. Let's continue."
"I'll return after I look around." And so Sesshomaru walked on without another word, treading the terrain of his father.
Jaken stayed with Rin while she read one of her books quietly. With a worried look, she turned to Jaken.
"I'm sorry that I'm not feeling well," she said to him.
"I know. That's why I've been assigned to stay here," he told her as he tried to write something on a scroll. "At least now, it was not as bad as when you were younger."
Rin laughed. "Am I that so bad?"
"Yes," he answered without hesitation. "At least now you stay in the same pl-"
At that moment, Rin smiled, but she ran over to a nearby river and threw up into the stream.
"Rin!" Jaken shouted as he patted her back.
"I'm all right…" she mumbled to him as she got up and walked over back to their spots.
"You must see a doctor," he pleaded softly to her.
She shook her head with her hands fidgeting. "It isn't that."
"But you must see a doctor. You've been ill for quite some time now." Jaken said as he stuck his staff in front of her as if he were going to scold her. It was only about of concern that he did and so she smiled more at him.
"So you knew also?" she asked, thinking was doing well with hiding her sickness.
Jaken shook his head. "Child, sometimes I know you better than you know yourself."
"Now if only Sesshomaru-sama would…" he mumbled quietly to himself.
"Let's go then," she said as she walked with Jaken to a nearby village.
As Jaken walked beside her, Rin's eyes became a bit distant, maturing in this past month to a stage that Jaken didn't really catch. But he knew that if he didn't take good care of Rin, Sesshomaru would have his head without hesitation and before he could say the words, "I…"
Rin came into a village and asked if she immediately see the doctor. Jaken was with her and patted her leg to lead her on as she dizzily followed a nice woman that lead her to the local doctor.
"Here…" the woman said with a gesture of her hand.
Jaken stood outside of the dwelling as Rin was seen by the doctor. The people looked at him strangely. Some didn't pay any attention, but some were angered that a youkai was allowed to pass through their village so easily.
While exiting the dwelling, Rin bowed her head and gave what she could as payment to the doctor. He pushed it back to her as he shook his head. Patting her shoulder, he said the only thing he could. "Good luck."
Rin came out, she put her hand on her head and walked out of the village with Jaken and his worried expression right next to her..
"What did they say?" Jaken asked as they trudged through the greenery. "Is there anything wrong?"
Rin shook her head. "No, the doctor said I was perfectly healthy."
Surprised, Jaken asked, "Really?"
Then, she stopped and looked at the ground as Jaken found himself a few steps ahead of her. Rin looked up and she tilted her head while looking straight at him with a gentle expression.
Rin didn't know if she was happy or sad, or both at the same time as she continued to look at Jaken. With a wistful smile, she finished,
"A perfectly healthy mother."
Tsuzuku…
--
Author's note: I actually was going to put this part of the story in the end, but then I thought of other things that I could use, so I put it here. Very early in the story, but it gave me a lot of directions to go, and I'm enjoying this immensely.
I'm having a hard time with this fic as well as 'Wrapped around your finger' because they are told in the third-person omniscient. I'm usually okay with first-person narratives and I'm not very good with details. Please bear with me because I'm trying my best.
