Disclaimer: Inuyasha belongs to Takahashi-sama.

Belonging nowhere
By yui miyamoto

Part 11 – Return to you.

After Kinnosuke and Rin brought Sesshomaru to the dwelling, Rin laid out one of her kimono over the futon while positioning Sesshomaru into a comfortable spot. Kinnosuke politely dismissed himself and set off to go to sleep.
Jaken then stepped forward as Rin dipped a cloth into a bucket of water to wipe Sesshomaru.

"I will be back quickly. It is that time of the year," Jaken said as he patted Rin on the shoulder. Then, he looked at his master's arm and sighed. "He is so stubborn."

Jaken left and they were all alone.

Rin then worked vigorously in silence while wiping all the blood off his body. When she pulled him to lean on her, she hugged him. "Sesshomaru-sama…I missed you so much…"

She let go as she rubbed his back…

After changing his pants into a villager's black pair, she dipped his tattered clothing into water and let it sit there. Rin then let out a loud sigh as she pushed his bangs to the sides of his face.

But she couldn't help but shake as she worried endlessly while looking at him. He winced in pain as she tried to treat his arm.
That arm cut off by Inuyasha…

The one that he always tried to hold away from her, almost out of shame. When he had an ogre arm, he wouldn't let her touch him in any way. Not even to brush accidentally against his clothing.
It angered him so much, and this, she couldn't stand.

And here it was bleeding while things were spinning in her head. What could have caused this to her beloved Sesshomaru?

Just the day before, she had been wishing that he was well, but now, as she looked before her, it was as if no one was listening. No one was on her side except Jaken.

To ease her mind, she started to sing.

"We wander and wander
trying to find where we belong,
but where do I go?
I wait because he told me to,
And I cannot do anything else.
I wish that he would believe in what I say,
That I never lied
When I childishly said,
'I want to be with you'."

At that, she looked down at his face to find that she was crying on him. She found him looking straight at her and it startled her at first. Rubbing her eyes quickly with the back of her sleeve, she turned around.
Then, she splashed her face in water, wiped it, and came back to him.

He then looked away from her as she looked at his profile. Some part of him was ashamed for leaving her, but if he didn't, she would have been in more danger.

Some part of her thought he was mad at her because she was crying. She knew he hated it when she cried because he used to scold her for displaying her weakness.

"Sesshomaru-sama…" she began to say at the same time he opened his mouth and said, "Rin..."

There were many things they wanted to ask of one another. There were many explanations for the actions they had chosen, but neither could say anything.
They were not used to telling each other their true thoughts, fearing that they would hurt the other. Also, they feared the other rejecting them for it. And some part of themselves hated the fact that they had to even think or feel the way they did.

Because of that, Rin just took Sesshomaru's hand, even if he would throw her hand away from him.
However, he didn't. He held her hand back.

And somehow…
For that moment, it seemed to be enough to relieve them.
After a long time, he finally turned to her and she let go of his hand. Then, he got up as she brought a bowl to his mouth and fed him some of the soup.

"I can do it myself," he protested as he watched her.
She shook her head. "I know you can, but let me do it for today…"

He ate silently while he looked at her. This time, she wouldn't look at him in the eye. She looked away once in a while with something to say, but nothing coming out of her lips.

After eating, he laid back down and she put the dishes aside. With her back turned towards him, she kneeled and looked at the dishes. "Am I that useless to you?"

Sesshomaru didn't answer, but he stared at her.
If he gave up his reserve, he would never forgive himself...

She then turned around and knelt next to him. She had not expected any answer anyway. To pray for one was a miracle in itself.
Rin dipped the cloth again into the bucket and wrung it out. Carefully, she turned to pat it on Sesshomaru's forehead. He just looked at her while she tended to him as always.

It was as if nothing had changed…
…except that her child was growing bigger within her.

At that moment, Rin shook her head as she bent down to hug his head with the cloth falling off his forehead. Gently, she held him in her silence. "Why are you hurt?"

"It doesn't matter that you don't want to answer me," she whispered to him. "I'm already used to you, Sesshomaru-sama."
This was the last sight she had wanted to see him in.
Sesshomaru closed his eyes and let himself be comforted by Rin. How he had missed having her next to him…
She wanted to give him back his fur. "Must I return the fur now?"

Her eyes cringed as her heart ached inside of her. The last string was being pulled and she knew she would lose him forever if he answered yes.

Maybe it was for the best…
Then she wouldn't have to feel so tortured.

"No…that's not it," he replied to her.

That wasn't what he needed.
He needed for her to hear what he wanted to say, but couldn't express.

"I now understand after wandering this godforsaken lot…" he breathlessly said to her, "It is you who doesn't need me, Rin.
I have been useless to _you_. Who would his mate to understand her? Tell me, Rin!"

"Sesshomaru-sama…" she mumbled softly to his ear while her heart cringed more.

"Does this sound right to you? Who would always leave her taking it for granted for many years?" It was then that he finally said what was on his mind. "Why would you put up with me if I was so cruel to you all this time? And then, I come here and you still love me?"

She began to cry again while still holding him. "Shh…shh…Sesshomaru-sama…"
Rin tried to hush him as she was touched by his words, while guilty that she was the reason he was becoming someone unfamiliar, even to himself.

"Of course. No matter how much you push me away, I will always look for you," she whispered to him ear lovingly while running her fingers through his hair. "You were always good to me. You made me feel important.
"All my life, no one treated me special in any way. I was the troublemaker that lived with no family. Always running and running, trying to find where I could live peacefully."

At that moment, he put out the fire. And through the darkness, he reached out for her hair as he pulled the back of her head to kiss him. Her eyes opened wide, but then closed.
As he laid back down and pulled her with him, she shook her head while putting her palms on his bare chest. Her eyebrows touched one another. "But, you're injured…"

He shook his head as he got up and pushed her slowly to the futon below him. She couldn't fight with him because she had ached for him to touch her…

Her hair fell carelessly around her as he tried to undo the top of her kimono, pulling it down to her waist. Then, she pulled his face with her hands as she kissed him on the lips.
She looked into his tired eyes and then he bent down to kiss her neck once more. Working his way down, she pulled half on the futon's sheet and half on his hand as he drank in her shoulders and all of her skin.
Her eyes closed a bit tight as he devoured her chest, while she wrapped her arms around his back.

Then, he stopped as he looked at her stomach. She looked at him as he pulled her kimono more to look at the child forming.

Sesshomaru then bent down to kiss her womb.
Rin was touched deeply by the gesture.

At that, he then pulled the blanket at the edge of the futon as he laid beside her while she pulled her kimono over her chest. Snuggling next to him, she put her arm over his stomach.

The sense of security was back and her worries ceased.

"Rin?"
"Yes?" She blinked at him through the darkness.
"I still have to leave," he said as he looked at her.
"…"
"I need to find the answer to my questions…" he said to her. "Until then, I cannot rest."
She nodded understandingly.
"Wait for me here, until then," he pleaded softly. "I know I have no right to ask-."
She put her index finger to his lips while smiling and nodding at him.

"I will wait as long as it takes," she said firmly. "I believe in you."

He closed his eyes as these words comforted his troubled thoughts.

For many, many years, he had wandered aimlessly. Not knowing where 'home' really was or the concept behind it. He had said he never cared for it because that was only a state of mind.
In a sense he was right, but the other half was wrong.

It meant that you could relax…
…and you didn't have to think tirelessly trying to find something that may never come.
Until Rin had come,
He had not realized how lonely he truly was…
Tsuzuku…
--
Author's note: I know that I have just dragged on this angst, but my purpose for this is because I don't believe in a perfect love relationship. When someone says to another person, "I love you," and they live happily ever after, that's not realistic. Love is also a hardship.
It is like everything else that needs time and effort from all involved in order for it to be 'successful'. Sometimes saying it isn't enough. Sometimes actions aren't enough either. It's the will to overcome and accept someone wholly, no matter what they've done. For example, Kaoru understands Kenshin in a way that nobody else can. Some people cannot see him past what they've been seen or told, but even through all that, Kaoru could still look at him in the eye. Even if he couldn't accept it himself…
And she is truly strong because no matter what, she wants to make him happy. She smiles despite everything. He sometimes he has caused her pain, but she points out to him that him being there is all that she wants. She will accept everything.
I admire Rin because she wasn't scared of Sesshomaru when she first met him. And I envisioned her to grow up with this strength that made her a match for Sesshomaru's former way of thinking. She isn't boisterous, but she will speak her mind when it is needed.