Disclaimer: Inuyasha isn't mine. Takayama Miyuki-san is the one who owns the translation for Fukai Mori. And Fukai Mori belongs to Do As Infinity.
Belonging nowhere
By miyamoto yui
Part 20 – yuuki. (courage.)
After all the commotion was down, Kinnosuke and Rin had comforted the people while they tried their hardest to recover from being so shaken up. Jaken had left to survey the lands and make sure there was no more battling while Sesshomaru stood outside of the village, watching Rin so closely as she glanced at him with a bow of her head and a smile for him to cheer up.
Of course, he couldn't possibly be cheered up.
He wanted to keep his distance from the village.
From all people.
Especially from Rin.
But he knew that if he did, he would come back. He would always find some way back for her to look at him. For her to feel him.
For the warmness that dampened his iciness.
It had taken a while, but it was approaching early evening when Rin walked over to Sesshomaru, who had politely waited for her all that time. Of course, having lived so many years, it was only a few minutes, even seconds. For her, it was torture.
She couldn't take her hands off the dried blood.
And here he was standing in front of him all covered with flakes of red that tore and cracked when the wind softly molested him as if he didn't want anything touching him. Sesshomaru looked at Rin and sighed as she held a bag in her hands.
She held it out to him. "Give me your clothes so I can wash them."
It was even painful to say that.
Seth…
"Rin understands my sorrow…" whispered within her ears and into her thoughts as she looked at him not knowing what else to say. Not wanting to push or pull, but couldn't stand doing nothing either.
Sesshomaru shook his head. "No, you must come with me."
Rin nodded her head without questioning as he took her wrist carefully and tenderly while leading her deep into the forest. They had walked for about fifteen to twenty minutes in silence while Sesshomaru tried to gather his thoughts.
Rin opened her eyes as she blinked at the scene before her. A waterfall that led to this small lake, with the moon lit above reflecting on its surface. "It's so pretty…" she commented before she realized that she had said anything.
At that moment, when Sesshomaru began to disrobe, this time, Rin didn't look away. She was picking up his clothes as he shook his head. "No, just leave them there, Rin. Please just come here to me."
He went into the cold water as Rin knelt before him. "Yes?"
Sesshomaru turned around to her as he pulled her legs to sit on the shallow ledge with her kimono dipping itself into the water. Her feet dangled in the water and he pressed his back on the stone ledge while he pulled Rin's arms. Rin smiled softly as she embraced him from behind. "I want you to wash me, Rin."
"Sesshomaru-sama…" she said with a troubled sigh.
He was still so confused and she herself didn't know what to do, but hold him as warmly as she could. Trying to keep him from falling apart.
For him to believe that what she saw today was something she wanted. To know a truth that only she could heal and touch.
Rin began to wash his arms and back, but Sesshomaru was silent. He couldn't tell her that only she could do this because Rin was like his fairy in her favorite story. The one that saved the distressed human from death and his own life.
With a heart so pure could she clean him with her hands. Someone who wasn't worthy after staining himself with so much blood.
Rin kissed the back of his head with her eyes closed. Sesshomaru's glanced to one side in confusion, but as long as it was Rin, he shouldn't question it. After all, she was his "strange girl". Someone whose beauty was more than in her face and skin, but at her openness.
People loved to hide themselves and thought it was strange when people were so honest. Only, they found out that honesty and sincerity were what saved humanity and made others see the world as beautiful in the first place.
Her fingers ran through his hair. Moistening it and taking out the blood and dirt away. Rubbing it gently away while Sesshomaru closed his eyes at this unusual feeling.
This peace that had never existed before.
The stirring within him all these years was subsiding.
He was finding the place of his journey. The unknown labyrinth's end point.
When he stood up from the bath, he was dripping on the stone floor while Rin wiped him with a large cloth. Then, she pushed his hair away as she put a yukata on him.
"I'm sorry, Sesshomaru-sama, but this was all I could give you."
He looked at her thoughtfully as she found herself blushing from his outward gentleness. If you had done this years ago, he would have slapped that person across the face at such an insult.
But there he stood before her in a human's clothes. As if they had always been together this way…
She reached out to him and touched his chest, making sure what she was seeing was real. Rin began to smile as she pulled her hand back. He sat in his place while Rin took his clothes to the edge of the lake.
But she didn't just do that, she took off her kimono and went into the water. Holding onto Sesshomaru's clothes in her arms, she began to cry. She looked at him as the water was becoming a river of red dye streaming away from her.
Laying it to one side, she began to wash her hair and Sesshomaru watched her, thinking why was there such a distance between them. And he wondered when else had he ever appreciated such exquisiteness before.
"Why do you look at me like you're going to leave me all over again?" she finally said as she continued to look at him. His eyes looked at the ground as he sighed to answer, "This time, Rin, you will decide that."
Something within her struck a cord and she didn't know if it was auspicious or ominous.
She began to wash herself, but with his clothing. Then, she pulled the same towel she used for Sesshomaru to wrap around herself. She laid out his clothing as she dipped hers into the lake also. When she was going to change, Sesshomaru took her other kimono from the bag and began to pull it over her.
"Sesshomaru-sama…you don't have to…" she protested, but he put a deaf ear against all this as he dressed her. Pulling her hair into a ponytail and wrapping it with twine, they walked into the forest while Rin made a fire.
It was then that Sesshomaru said, "This time I will tell you a story in which you will have to tell me what the ending is."
Rin nodded her head silently as she crawled over to him. At that moment, Sesshomaru just pulled her into his lap like when she was little whenever he tried to tell her a story or read a book to her. It was the only way she'd pay attention. And even when Jaken was appalled by this, Sesshomaru couldn't tell him how much he enjoyed holding Rin with all her youthfulness and innocence.
As the fire crackled, he held her while saying,
"More than a hundred years ago, there was a baby boy born to a dog clan of a great youkai. He lived in his royal palace that was hidden somewhere even the humans couldn't ever find, no matter how much they tried. It was very big, to say the least. It had to fit the ruler after all, and his fangs were even taller than I am now.
"His mother would always take care of him, but he hardly saw his father. His father was always attending business elsewhere. Waiting and waiting until there came a time that he didn't want to wait anymore. His mother got worried about him, but she wasn't the kind of mother that would baby her child. No, she was so hard with her cruelty and kindness. She would verbally challenge him so that he would grow to have opinions of his own and become quite intelligent. 'Plan and strategize,' were his mother's very words when she died fighting a rival clan.
"Soon, the prince was surrounded by attendants and the like. He hated being waited upon and found that there was no point in staying in a palace like a doll. So, he walked among the humans, trying to find out what was so amusing about their blood and such, since he had much to learn about being a youkai leader.
"When he had gone down, he met an impetuous girl who did nothing but pester him to play with her. He couldn't understand what was so fun about 'playing' when he'd rather just roam around the land and become a strong warrior since he was the heir to his father's throne.
"The girl wasn't scared of him and he found this quite funny. Weird and interested to the point that he began to watch that girl for days. This turned to weeks and months and then into years. He was training as heir while she was becoming the head of her village.
"This was the time that the girl said she was getting on in years and needed to get married. She wanted to be with him, no matter how much protest would arise. He was about to consent to it when his elder said that his coming of age ceremony depended on a single test. It was, cruelly, to kill the girl or some of her village. And disobeying would mean disgrace, dishonor, and being shunned forever.
"Painful as it was, he killed the villagers with a straight face with only a single tear mingling with the blood splattered on his face. When he saw his elder, the elder smiled and disappeared. When he turned to the girl named Mari, she shouted that she hated him and wondered why did she ever believe such a liar. All youkai were the same. They only preyed on humans for their blood to live. The prince left without a word. Not saying that he'd rather see her alive than dead before him, even if this was much more painful.
"That's why he said he would never trust another human again. His elders were right. There should be no mercy to the lower species. And so, he got stronger and stronger, fighting with his pain and anger at the world. His thoughts and the world clashed, and yet he continued to wander until he didn't know the difference anymore. Killing humans and killing youkai were the same as long as it ended in 'victory'. That's when he learned to love blood and drenched himself in it, giving him the nickname of Seth.
"A woman from another youkai tribe was given to him as a bride, and he accepted it. She was hauntingly beautiful and had a thirst for blood as he did. She was…just perfect for him. It was all a game after all, and she was willing to be his partner in it.
"But then, his father had gotten involved with a human. A maiden of high rank within the human realm. He was so ashamed about this that he wanted to speak with his father. And so, protested he did, but his father said he would understand someday. He said he wouldn't talk to his father anymore and only call him if he needed him in an emergency. Then, he left wandering to become stronger and stronger. To be the best of the land, and within both realms.
"The woman youkai waited for him as Seth wandered around the land. He found himself in front of Mari's village once more. There were youkai attacking it and he couldn't believe the foolish humans were trying their best to survive. Mari came out to protect her village, and as he was about to rescue her, she killed it, along with getting injured very badly. That's when he began to understand a little bit about human lives. About real protection and strength of true character.
"The one she had hated ran to catch her as she was falling to the ground. She smiled as she looked up to find who was trying to save her. She shook her head as she tried to tell him there was no hope. Mari just reached out to his cheek and said, 'I know the truth…Please don't ever become that way again…'
"When she died, he took her dead body and buried it himself. He had been told by the villagers that Mari had gone crazy for a while trying to find out what had happened. And when she did, she waited for the day to ask for his forgiveness, having heard that he had buried those people he killed. And with that, he never returned to his fiancée. He never wanted to become Seth ever again…but nor could he ever come back there…
"His father had another child. A child that he would watch with slight envy at how much time he spent with this son rather than himself. But he couldn't do anything about it, and he wasn't a child anymore, so why should he feel this way?
"Years passed and a green imp became his companion. A persistent little idiot that kept on taking his master's abuse. He couldn't understand what this imp could see in him. Was it because of his lineage or the way he conducted himself? Why wouldn't he go away?"
Rin, who had been silent, began to giggle. "Jaken…"
Sesshomaru continued while holding her tightly, "A war came and his brother was falling for a Miko protecting the Jewel of Four Souls. He was enchanted and he felt bitter towards his brother that he had left him to fend off the other youkai. His own father had asked him to help and so how could he say no? And yet, they couldn't call the younger son because he had fallen into his own demise. With a human no less.
"Years and years passed until he found that maybe becoming the strongest was pointless. There were no true challenges anymore, but how can one give up the only thing they've known all their life? And so, when his father died, he just wandered with a strange dream that haunted him and with a sweet voice.
"Then, when another ruckus was happening, the Jewel of Four Souls was brought into the world again. In order to become the greatest youkai, one had to possess that damn jewel. Of course, he was going to take the challenge.
"Except, he lost one of his father's fangs to his half-brother, who had woken up from his sleep. Even had his arm cut. In shame, he was going for the jewel and trying to find a new arm at any opportune time.
"Then, after another fight, he found himself disoriented with a little girl looking at him. She smiled at him and he couldn't understand if she were an idiot for not running away from him. The girl gave him food even though he didn't need to eat, and left."
He sighed while not looking at her.
"He wondered if it was going to happen all over again. That small inkling of hope would kill him this time if he turned around to understand this little girl. But he didn't. Later, he regretted it." He had Rin face him as he ran his fingers through her bangs. While looking into her eyes, he seriously said, "I've lied to you about this Rin. You died that day when the wolves bit you to death. But I brought you back to life. To Jaken, it was because I was testing out the sword, but it was actually my own selfishness. I wanted to see if a youkai could raise a child not to hate his kind, and if he could learn from her also. Until…until I couldn't let go of you."
Rin looked into Sesshomaru's eyes, even more pained than when he was trying to kill her as Seth.
"Can you forgive me, Rin?" Sesshomaru asked as he watched her seriously.
Taking her shoulders into his hands, he asked, "Do you understand how much I told myself I shouldn't do this to this child and that I shouldn't hope? Do you know how many times I've tried to reason to myself about this absurdness?
"Do you know how many times I wanted to leave you behind so that you'd find a better life elsewhere? But you didn't want to go. And each time you didn't go, I wanted to keep you even though I didn't show it.
"I wanted you to hate me so much by cheating on you. By staying away from you. Make you leave me because I couldn't provide the happiness you were seeking through me."
Rin was speechless as she stared at him. This white-haired man. This great youkai who became the very thing he didn't want to be…
Human.
"And yet, you stayed with me." Sesshomaru's eyes looked down to the ground. "I knew there was a time you would leave me and I was waiting. That's how it had always been, Rin.
"I thought you would someday leave me if you ever found about Seth, the very thing I used to be. The very person you despised and felt disgusted with."
"I wanted to protect you from myself." With a cracked voice, he said, "And yet, you still believed in me. A youkai who sought after strength only to be so weak and broken deep within."
At that moment, he looked up and put his hands on her face. A tear slipped from his eye as he said, "Rin, can you forgive me for all the lives I've killed? Even your own? How can you ever trust me?"
Rin began to cry as she felt so many emotions at the same time. Anger at him for keeping all this. Frustration that he loathed himself so much. Sadness at him being so quietly lonely all these years. And yet through it all, a burden within her had been lifted.
She knelt before him as she hugged him tightly. Nodding, her tears fell onto his clothing. "You've always respected me, Sesshomaru."
Kissing his eye, she whispered, "At your worst or at your best, I will always believe because Sesshomaru has never let me down. Even after you've told me all this. Even now."
--
From that time on, Rin sewed a kimono for Sesshomaru that looked similar to his the clothes he had always worn, but also with her own touches on it. She wouldn't have him wearing his old clothes because she wanted to be rid of these things that made him so troubled...
Months later, a baby girl was born to Rin and Sesshomaru. A quiet baby with little dog ears, strands of white hair, and beautiful, large brown eyes.
After their child was born, all of them said their thanks to Kinnosuke and left. Sesshomaru couldn't go back 'home', to the place of his birth, until he had fulfilled some promises. Jaken, who had always been so loyal and understanding all these years, only visited them at night now to report what was happening around them, but he went around the land to find himself also a mate.
Rin carried the baby while Sesshomaru walked on through his father's grave to say to his father to give his blessing to their heir. Bowing their heads, they departed and found themselves in front of his mother's grave too. Sesshomaru presented his wife to his mother, praying that she protect him as she always had, also saying to her that he now understood all the things she had tried to tell him when he was little.
"Strength is only a mentality, my child," she told him.
Days later, the last grave they came to was Inuyasha's mother.
Sesshomaru stood before it with the flowers that Rin said would be suitable to put on it: scattered, dried sakura petals. While Rin prayed with her husband. Sesshomaru knelt before the grave and prayed, "I came here to ask for your forgiveness for my ignorance all these years. That is all. Thank you."
He got up and they began to walk again as the wind lightly blew around them.
Rin then requested, "Can we go to my village before we go home?"
He nodded and when they got there, she entered while people talked. Sesshomaru stood at the front, but she shook her head. She pulled his sleeve as they went to the graves to pay to her family.
"This is our baby, Momiji." Tears came to her eyes as Sesshomaru stood beside her. "After everything we've gone through…we didn't die."
She smiled at Sesshomaru with tears in her eyes.
I will be able to still pass on our blood…
--
Two years later…
"WAH~!" the little girl screamed as she hid behind her mother. Her mother only patted her head.
She pulled on her mother's kimono and her mother leaned to one side. "Yes, baby?"
"Do you think Daddy loves me?"
"Of course, he does." Rin lifted up one hand as she laughed. The question she had once asked herself about Sesshomaru…
Sesshomaru, even at hearing this, kept on walking. Then, he stopped and squatted down.
With his hand, he gestured for the little girl to come to him.
He showed her his fangs. "Growl."
"AH!" The little girl ran and laughed behind her mother again.
"Ah…" Rin had thought to herself. That's when he started…
The little girl ran up to him again and he bared his fangs. Then, he grabbed his little girl and hugged her. "Never question your father's affection."
She shook her head while giggling.
At that, they started walking with Sesshomaru holding onto his child's hand as Rin walked beside him contentedly.
Momiji pulled on her kimono to carry her. Rin did so as she sang her child's favorite song,
"I'm sure that the heart I left behind
still lies hidden in the heart of the deep, deep forest.
Exhausted, without the strength to search
people vanish into the infinite darkness.
If it's so small, I wonder if I can see it even now?
As we live on,
we lose a little bit more.
Shrouded in falsehoods and lies,
we stand frozen to the spot, unable to cry out
The days pass by and change,
without us even realizing how blue the sky really is.
Overcoming that made-up scheme, we live the present,
and our rusted hearts begin to beat again!
If we can find the rhythm of time, we can fly once again
We live our lives
wandering to the ends of the earth.
Believing, now I begin my journey with you,
in search of the light.
As we live on,
we lose a little bit more.
Shrouded in falsehoods and lies,
we stand frozen to the spot, unable to cry out
We live our lives
wandering to the ends of the earth.
Closing off
the way back,
we walk on for eternity.
We live our lives standing frozen to the spot,
unable to cry out, for eternity..."
They were standing in front of her former village once more when Momiji had fallen asleep. Sesshomaru held out his arms to carry Momiji as Rin went into the village. While she was buying some food, they said to her again, "You shouldn't be wandering alone. Do you have a place to stay?"
She shook her head and politely answered while purchasing her food. "Thank you very much, but my husband is waiting for me."
Smiling, she left to go back to Sesshomaru.
They stood there for a moment looking at the village with all its bustling, each thinking of memories long past.
Sesshomaru, who had once despised Inuyasha for being a half-breed, finally understood what his father looked into the eyes of his own mate, while holding onto his own child and her cute ears. He finally said, "You're quite wrong, Rin."
"Hmm?"
"About that look you just gave right now. Before Momiji fell asleep."
"How so?"
"I loved you ever since you smiled at me when I carried you on my back."
"When was that?"
"You were sick and delirious. I was dying with worry, but I couldn't really let Jaken know. Then, you were having a bad dream. You were trying to reach out for something or someone."
"I did? I don't remember this…"
Sesshomaru nodded. "You whispered weakly into my ear, 'Can I stay with you forever, Sesshomaru-sama?'"
Rin saw the soft expression within his eyes as he recalled this. "And what did you say?"
"'As you wish.' But in my heart, I was thinking that forever wasn't enough for me."
Rin smiled thoughtfully and began to happily sing a song that she had made for Sesshomaru,
"We live our lives trying for eternity…
Aimlessly, aimlessly,
There is nowhere to run
There is nowhere to go back to."
Quietly, Sesshomaru thought to himself,
"You belong nowhere, Rin, because I never really wanted you to leave me. And when I realized that, I was quite wrong thinking my place was set in the world. You taught me that I belonged nowhere else except next to you."
He looked at the entrance of her village for a moment longer and thought of the time when he was lying to himself by telling Rin that she didn't belong to him. She did. Painfully, he knew she did.
Just then, the same hand that pulled on his sleeve years ago would be the same one he would take gently into his own. Rin's eyes opened a bit in surprise at the outward display of affection. She bowed her head at him with a smile and patted her stomach happily.
Her hand firmly held onto his as they began to walk together.
The hand she had always wanted to hold this way.
Not just some sleeve between her fingers wishing he had cared for her.
And him thinking, in his silence in all these years, the same thing,
Hoping her unconditional love and care wouldn't ever end.
Through all the silence, through all the darkness…
They finally found what they were looking for.
Realizing, courage wasn't sought out; it was from within.
It was an acceptance that one must go beyond the limit of their mind.
It was about fighting to keep the happiness you've found.
Owari.
--
Author's notes: Since I started this story, I had thought that I wanted a happy ending. However, getting there was such a hard task. For this ending alone, many, many scenarios went through my mind. How would this end? With killing me Merodi? Sesshomaru remembering something from long ago? Where would this end? Sesshomaru's birthplace, Rin's or somewhere totally different. Why would it end in that place? I want it to represent Sesshomaru's and Rin's union in a quiet way.
But how the hell do you make Sesshomaru fall in love with Rin without getting all mushy and out of character? I hate it when main characters 'change' from badass to this love-sick fool. * shudder * Most of all, how does Rin tell him? And how do you even make great, awesome Sesshomaru-sama feel guilt???
Answers to these questions only came to me two days ago. I am sorry that this took very long to finish or to publish, but this fic was so hard to write. Finding the tone, being in character, and making everything come together without making it too predictable. Well, it's done and I tried my best. Took me four hours to write it, but it's done now.
There were many things that went through my head while making this fic, but to tell you the truth, the only thing I wanted to do was make a sweet Rin and Sesshomaru fic. I just wanted to say I love this couple and that this is a fic dedicated to them.
I wanted these characters to grow and figure each other out, but also about themselves. Rin is my favorite character in Inuyasha because she is neither youkai or human and she works out of these boundaries. The boundaries she does put around herself are the issues in which she's dealt with in relation to Sesshomaru and Jaken. I wanted her to push herself as an equal, but she didn't quite see herself like that until the end. I wanted Rin to grow to be Sesshomaru's equal.
Just as much, I wanted Sesshomaru to show that his problem wasn't because he didn't think of Rin as his equal (for he had already pushed that the day he 'adopted' her), but that he felt that he wasn't _her_ equal. A girl who may have been a thief to survive and such, but her heart was always pure and whole towards him. He was scared he'd break her with his own hands, through Seth.
Yes, I think too much about things, but thank you to those who have read this fic. I also thank those who will read this fic.
I just wanted to convey through this fic that sometimes the enemy that keeps you away from others isn't action, it's what you think about yourself. Silence is a source of strength, but it also like a deadly weapon.
Again, thank you for reading, and especially to Miyuki-san for letting me use her translations!
8/03
Belonging nowhere
By miyamoto yui
Part 20 – yuuki. (courage.)
After all the commotion was down, Kinnosuke and Rin had comforted the people while they tried their hardest to recover from being so shaken up. Jaken had left to survey the lands and make sure there was no more battling while Sesshomaru stood outside of the village, watching Rin so closely as she glanced at him with a bow of her head and a smile for him to cheer up.
Of course, he couldn't possibly be cheered up.
He wanted to keep his distance from the village.
From all people.
Especially from Rin.
But he knew that if he did, he would come back. He would always find some way back for her to look at him. For her to feel him.
For the warmness that dampened his iciness.
It had taken a while, but it was approaching early evening when Rin walked over to Sesshomaru, who had politely waited for her all that time. Of course, having lived so many years, it was only a few minutes, even seconds. For her, it was torture.
She couldn't take her hands off the dried blood.
And here he was standing in front of him all covered with flakes of red that tore and cracked when the wind softly molested him as if he didn't want anything touching him. Sesshomaru looked at Rin and sighed as she held a bag in her hands.
She held it out to him. "Give me your clothes so I can wash them."
It was even painful to say that.
Seth…
"Rin understands my sorrow…" whispered within her ears and into her thoughts as she looked at him not knowing what else to say. Not wanting to push or pull, but couldn't stand doing nothing either.
Sesshomaru shook his head. "No, you must come with me."
Rin nodded her head without questioning as he took her wrist carefully and tenderly while leading her deep into the forest. They had walked for about fifteen to twenty minutes in silence while Sesshomaru tried to gather his thoughts.
Rin opened her eyes as she blinked at the scene before her. A waterfall that led to this small lake, with the moon lit above reflecting on its surface. "It's so pretty…" she commented before she realized that she had said anything.
At that moment, when Sesshomaru began to disrobe, this time, Rin didn't look away. She was picking up his clothes as he shook his head. "No, just leave them there, Rin. Please just come here to me."
He went into the cold water as Rin knelt before him. "Yes?"
Sesshomaru turned around to her as he pulled her legs to sit on the shallow ledge with her kimono dipping itself into the water. Her feet dangled in the water and he pressed his back on the stone ledge while he pulled Rin's arms. Rin smiled softly as she embraced him from behind. "I want you to wash me, Rin."
"Sesshomaru-sama…" she said with a troubled sigh.
He was still so confused and she herself didn't know what to do, but hold him as warmly as she could. Trying to keep him from falling apart.
For him to believe that what she saw today was something she wanted. To know a truth that only she could heal and touch.
Rin began to wash his arms and back, but Sesshomaru was silent. He couldn't tell her that only she could do this because Rin was like his fairy in her favorite story. The one that saved the distressed human from death and his own life.
With a heart so pure could she clean him with her hands. Someone who wasn't worthy after staining himself with so much blood.
Rin kissed the back of his head with her eyes closed. Sesshomaru's glanced to one side in confusion, but as long as it was Rin, he shouldn't question it. After all, she was his "strange girl". Someone whose beauty was more than in her face and skin, but at her openness.
People loved to hide themselves and thought it was strange when people were so honest. Only, they found out that honesty and sincerity were what saved humanity and made others see the world as beautiful in the first place.
Her fingers ran through his hair. Moistening it and taking out the blood and dirt away. Rubbing it gently away while Sesshomaru closed his eyes at this unusual feeling.
This peace that had never existed before.
The stirring within him all these years was subsiding.
He was finding the place of his journey. The unknown labyrinth's end point.
When he stood up from the bath, he was dripping on the stone floor while Rin wiped him with a large cloth. Then, she pushed his hair away as she put a yukata on him.
"I'm sorry, Sesshomaru-sama, but this was all I could give you."
He looked at her thoughtfully as she found herself blushing from his outward gentleness. If you had done this years ago, he would have slapped that person across the face at such an insult.
But there he stood before her in a human's clothes. As if they had always been together this way…
She reached out to him and touched his chest, making sure what she was seeing was real. Rin began to smile as she pulled her hand back. He sat in his place while Rin took his clothes to the edge of the lake.
But she didn't just do that, she took off her kimono and went into the water. Holding onto Sesshomaru's clothes in her arms, she began to cry. She looked at him as the water was becoming a river of red dye streaming away from her.
Laying it to one side, she began to wash her hair and Sesshomaru watched her, thinking why was there such a distance between them. And he wondered when else had he ever appreciated such exquisiteness before.
"Why do you look at me like you're going to leave me all over again?" she finally said as she continued to look at him. His eyes looked at the ground as he sighed to answer, "This time, Rin, you will decide that."
Something within her struck a cord and she didn't know if it was auspicious or ominous.
She began to wash herself, but with his clothing. Then, she pulled the same towel she used for Sesshomaru to wrap around herself. She laid out his clothing as she dipped hers into the lake also. When she was going to change, Sesshomaru took her other kimono from the bag and began to pull it over her.
"Sesshomaru-sama…you don't have to…" she protested, but he put a deaf ear against all this as he dressed her. Pulling her hair into a ponytail and wrapping it with twine, they walked into the forest while Rin made a fire.
It was then that Sesshomaru said, "This time I will tell you a story in which you will have to tell me what the ending is."
Rin nodded her head silently as she crawled over to him. At that moment, Sesshomaru just pulled her into his lap like when she was little whenever he tried to tell her a story or read a book to her. It was the only way she'd pay attention. And even when Jaken was appalled by this, Sesshomaru couldn't tell him how much he enjoyed holding Rin with all her youthfulness and innocence.
As the fire crackled, he held her while saying,
"More than a hundred years ago, there was a baby boy born to a dog clan of a great youkai. He lived in his royal palace that was hidden somewhere even the humans couldn't ever find, no matter how much they tried. It was very big, to say the least. It had to fit the ruler after all, and his fangs were even taller than I am now.
"His mother would always take care of him, but he hardly saw his father. His father was always attending business elsewhere. Waiting and waiting until there came a time that he didn't want to wait anymore. His mother got worried about him, but she wasn't the kind of mother that would baby her child. No, she was so hard with her cruelty and kindness. She would verbally challenge him so that he would grow to have opinions of his own and become quite intelligent. 'Plan and strategize,' were his mother's very words when she died fighting a rival clan.
"Soon, the prince was surrounded by attendants and the like. He hated being waited upon and found that there was no point in staying in a palace like a doll. So, he walked among the humans, trying to find out what was so amusing about their blood and such, since he had much to learn about being a youkai leader.
"When he had gone down, he met an impetuous girl who did nothing but pester him to play with her. He couldn't understand what was so fun about 'playing' when he'd rather just roam around the land and become a strong warrior since he was the heir to his father's throne.
"The girl wasn't scared of him and he found this quite funny. Weird and interested to the point that he began to watch that girl for days. This turned to weeks and months and then into years. He was training as heir while she was becoming the head of her village.
"This was the time that the girl said she was getting on in years and needed to get married. She wanted to be with him, no matter how much protest would arise. He was about to consent to it when his elder said that his coming of age ceremony depended on a single test. It was, cruelly, to kill the girl or some of her village. And disobeying would mean disgrace, dishonor, and being shunned forever.
"Painful as it was, he killed the villagers with a straight face with only a single tear mingling with the blood splattered on his face. When he saw his elder, the elder smiled and disappeared. When he turned to the girl named Mari, she shouted that she hated him and wondered why did she ever believe such a liar. All youkai were the same. They only preyed on humans for their blood to live. The prince left without a word. Not saying that he'd rather see her alive than dead before him, even if this was much more painful.
"That's why he said he would never trust another human again. His elders were right. There should be no mercy to the lower species. And so, he got stronger and stronger, fighting with his pain and anger at the world. His thoughts and the world clashed, and yet he continued to wander until he didn't know the difference anymore. Killing humans and killing youkai were the same as long as it ended in 'victory'. That's when he learned to love blood and drenched himself in it, giving him the nickname of Seth.
"A woman from another youkai tribe was given to him as a bride, and he accepted it. She was hauntingly beautiful and had a thirst for blood as he did. She was…just perfect for him. It was all a game after all, and she was willing to be his partner in it.
"But then, his father had gotten involved with a human. A maiden of high rank within the human realm. He was so ashamed about this that he wanted to speak with his father. And so, protested he did, but his father said he would understand someday. He said he wouldn't talk to his father anymore and only call him if he needed him in an emergency. Then, he left wandering to become stronger and stronger. To be the best of the land, and within both realms.
"The woman youkai waited for him as Seth wandered around the land. He found himself in front of Mari's village once more. There were youkai attacking it and he couldn't believe the foolish humans were trying their best to survive. Mari came out to protect her village, and as he was about to rescue her, she killed it, along with getting injured very badly. That's when he began to understand a little bit about human lives. About real protection and strength of true character.
"The one she had hated ran to catch her as she was falling to the ground. She smiled as she looked up to find who was trying to save her. She shook her head as she tried to tell him there was no hope. Mari just reached out to his cheek and said, 'I know the truth…Please don't ever become that way again…'
"When she died, he took her dead body and buried it himself. He had been told by the villagers that Mari had gone crazy for a while trying to find out what had happened. And when she did, she waited for the day to ask for his forgiveness, having heard that he had buried those people he killed. And with that, he never returned to his fiancée. He never wanted to become Seth ever again…but nor could he ever come back there…
"His father had another child. A child that he would watch with slight envy at how much time he spent with this son rather than himself. But he couldn't do anything about it, and he wasn't a child anymore, so why should he feel this way?
"Years passed and a green imp became his companion. A persistent little idiot that kept on taking his master's abuse. He couldn't understand what this imp could see in him. Was it because of his lineage or the way he conducted himself? Why wouldn't he go away?"
Rin, who had been silent, began to giggle. "Jaken…"
Sesshomaru continued while holding her tightly, "A war came and his brother was falling for a Miko protecting the Jewel of Four Souls. He was enchanted and he felt bitter towards his brother that he had left him to fend off the other youkai. His own father had asked him to help and so how could he say no? And yet, they couldn't call the younger son because he had fallen into his own demise. With a human no less.
"Years and years passed until he found that maybe becoming the strongest was pointless. There were no true challenges anymore, but how can one give up the only thing they've known all their life? And so, when his father died, he just wandered with a strange dream that haunted him and with a sweet voice.
"Then, when another ruckus was happening, the Jewel of Four Souls was brought into the world again. In order to become the greatest youkai, one had to possess that damn jewel. Of course, he was going to take the challenge.
"Except, he lost one of his father's fangs to his half-brother, who had woken up from his sleep. Even had his arm cut. In shame, he was going for the jewel and trying to find a new arm at any opportune time.
"Then, after another fight, he found himself disoriented with a little girl looking at him. She smiled at him and he couldn't understand if she were an idiot for not running away from him. The girl gave him food even though he didn't need to eat, and left."
He sighed while not looking at her.
"He wondered if it was going to happen all over again. That small inkling of hope would kill him this time if he turned around to understand this little girl. But he didn't. Later, he regretted it." He had Rin face him as he ran his fingers through her bangs. While looking into her eyes, he seriously said, "I've lied to you about this Rin. You died that day when the wolves bit you to death. But I brought you back to life. To Jaken, it was because I was testing out the sword, but it was actually my own selfishness. I wanted to see if a youkai could raise a child not to hate his kind, and if he could learn from her also. Until…until I couldn't let go of you."
Rin looked into Sesshomaru's eyes, even more pained than when he was trying to kill her as Seth.
"Can you forgive me, Rin?" Sesshomaru asked as he watched her seriously.
Taking her shoulders into his hands, he asked, "Do you understand how much I told myself I shouldn't do this to this child and that I shouldn't hope? Do you know how many times I've tried to reason to myself about this absurdness?
"Do you know how many times I wanted to leave you behind so that you'd find a better life elsewhere? But you didn't want to go. And each time you didn't go, I wanted to keep you even though I didn't show it.
"I wanted you to hate me so much by cheating on you. By staying away from you. Make you leave me because I couldn't provide the happiness you were seeking through me."
Rin was speechless as she stared at him. This white-haired man. This great youkai who became the very thing he didn't want to be…
Human.
"And yet, you stayed with me." Sesshomaru's eyes looked down to the ground. "I knew there was a time you would leave me and I was waiting. That's how it had always been, Rin.
"I thought you would someday leave me if you ever found about Seth, the very thing I used to be. The very person you despised and felt disgusted with."
"I wanted to protect you from myself." With a cracked voice, he said, "And yet, you still believed in me. A youkai who sought after strength only to be so weak and broken deep within."
At that moment, he looked up and put his hands on her face. A tear slipped from his eye as he said, "Rin, can you forgive me for all the lives I've killed? Even your own? How can you ever trust me?"
Rin began to cry as she felt so many emotions at the same time. Anger at him for keeping all this. Frustration that he loathed himself so much. Sadness at him being so quietly lonely all these years. And yet through it all, a burden within her had been lifted.
She knelt before him as she hugged him tightly. Nodding, her tears fell onto his clothing. "You've always respected me, Sesshomaru."
Kissing his eye, she whispered, "At your worst or at your best, I will always believe because Sesshomaru has never let me down. Even after you've told me all this. Even now."
--
From that time on, Rin sewed a kimono for Sesshomaru that looked similar to his the clothes he had always worn, but also with her own touches on it. She wouldn't have him wearing his old clothes because she wanted to be rid of these things that made him so troubled...
Months later, a baby girl was born to Rin and Sesshomaru. A quiet baby with little dog ears, strands of white hair, and beautiful, large brown eyes.
After their child was born, all of them said their thanks to Kinnosuke and left. Sesshomaru couldn't go back 'home', to the place of his birth, until he had fulfilled some promises. Jaken, who had always been so loyal and understanding all these years, only visited them at night now to report what was happening around them, but he went around the land to find himself also a mate.
Rin carried the baby while Sesshomaru walked on through his father's grave to say to his father to give his blessing to their heir. Bowing their heads, they departed and found themselves in front of his mother's grave too. Sesshomaru presented his wife to his mother, praying that she protect him as she always had, also saying to her that he now understood all the things she had tried to tell him when he was little.
"Strength is only a mentality, my child," she told him.
Days later, the last grave they came to was Inuyasha's mother.
Sesshomaru stood before it with the flowers that Rin said would be suitable to put on it: scattered, dried sakura petals. While Rin prayed with her husband. Sesshomaru knelt before the grave and prayed, "I came here to ask for your forgiveness for my ignorance all these years. That is all. Thank you."
He got up and they began to walk again as the wind lightly blew around them.
Rin then requested, "Can we go to my village before we go home?"
He nodded and when they got there, she entered while people talked. Sesshomaru stood at the front, but she shook her head. She pulled his sleeve as they went to the graves to pay to her family.
"This is our baby, Momiji." Tears came to her eyes as Sesshomaru stood beside her. "After everything we've gone through…we didn't die."
She smiled at Sesshomaru with tears in her eyes.
I will be able to still pass on our blood…
--
Two years later…
"WAH~!" the little girl screamed as she hid behind her mother. Her mother only patted her head.
She pulled on her mother's kimono and her mother leaned to one side. "Yes, baby?"
"Do you think Daddy loves me?"
"Of course, he does." Rin lifted up one hand as she laughed. The question she had once asked herself about Sesshomaru…
Sesshomaru, even at hearing this, kept on walking. Then, he stopped and squatted down.
With his hand, he gestured for the little girl to come to him.
He showed her his fangs. "Growl."
"AH!" The little girl ran and laughed behind her mother again.
"Ah…" Rin had thought to herself. That's when he started…
The little girl ran up to him again and he bared his fangs. Then, he grabbed his little girl and hugged her. "Never question your father's affection."
She shook her head while giggling.
At that, they started walking with Sesshomaru holding onto his child's hand as Rin walked beside him contentedly.
Momiji pulled on her kimono to carry her. Rin did so as she sang her child's favorite song,
"I'm sure that the heart I left behind
still lies hidden in the heart of the deep, deep forest.
Exhausted, without the strength to search
people vanish into the infinite darkness.
If it's so small, I wonder if I can see it even now?
As we live on,
we lose a little bit more.
Shrouded in falsehoods and lies,
we stand frozen to the spot, unable to cry out
The days pass by and change,
without us even realizing how blue the sky really is.
Overcoming that made-up scheme, we live the present,
and our rusted hearts begin to beat again!
If we can find the rhythm of time, we can fly once again
We live our lives
wandering to the ends of the earth.
Believing, now I begin my journey with you,
in search of the light.
As we live on,
we lose a little bit more.
Shrouded in falsehoods and lies,
we stand frozen to the spot, unable to cry out
We live our lives
wandering to the ends of the earth.
Closing off
the way back,
we walk on for eternity.
We live our lives standing frozen to the spot,
unable to cry out, for eternity..."
They were standing in front of her former village once more when Momiji had fallen asleep. Sesshomaru held out his arms to carry Momiji as Rin went into the village. While she was buying some food, they said to her again, "You shouldn't be wandering alone. Do you have a place to stay?"
She shook her head and politely answered while purchasing her food. "Thank you very much, but my husband is waiting for me."
Smiling, she left to go back to Sesshomaru.
They stood there for a moment looking at the village with all its bustling, each thinking of memories long past.
Sesshomaru, who had once despised Inuyasha for being a half-breed, finally understood what his father looked into the eyes of his own mate, while holding onto his own child and her cute ears. He finally said, "You're quite wrong, Rin."
"Hmm?"
"About that look you just gave right now. Before Momiji fell asleep."
"How so?"
"I loved you ever since you smiled at me when I carried you on my back."
"When was that?"
"You were sick and delirious. I was dying with worry, but I couldn't really let Jaken know. Then, you were having a bad dream. You were trying to reach out for something or someone."
"I did? I don't remember this…"
Sesshomaru nodded. "You whispered weakly into my ear, 'Can I stay with you forever, Sesshomaru-sama?'"
Rin saw the soft expression within his eyes as he recalled this. "And what did you say?"
"'As you wish.' But in my heart, I was thinking that forever wasn't enough for me."
Rin smiled thoughtfully and began to happily sing a song that she had made for Sesshomaru,
"We live our lives trying for eternity…
Aimlessly, aimlessly,
There is nowhere to run
There is nowhere to go back to."
Quietly, Sesshomaru thought to himself,
"You belong nowhere, Rin, because I never really wanted you to leave me. And when I realized that, I was quite wrong thinking my place was set in the world. You taught me that I belonged nowhere else except next to you."
He looked at the entrance of her village for a moment longer and thought of the time when he was lying to himself by telling Rin that she didn't belong to him. She did. Painfully, he knew she did.
Just then, the same hand that pulled on his sleeve years ago would be the same one he would take gently into his own. Rin's eyes opened a bit in surprise at the outward display of affection. She bowed her head at him with a smile and patted her stomach happily.
Her hand firmly held onto his as they began to walk together.
The hand she had always wanted to hold this way.
Not just some sleeve between her fingers wishing he had cared for her.
And him thinking, in his silence in all these years, the same thing,
Hoping her unconditional love and care wouldn't ever end.
Through all the silence, through all the darkness…
They finally found what they were looking for.
Realizing, courage wasn't sought out; it was from within.
It was an acceptance that one must go beyond the limit of their mind.
It was about fighting to keep the happiness you've found.
Owari.
--
Author's notes: Since I started this story, I had thought that I wanted a happy ending. However, getting there was such a hard task. For this ending alone, many, many scenarios went through my mind. How would this end? With killing me Merodi? Sesshomaru remembering something from long ago? Where would this end? Sesshomaru's birthplace, Rin's or somewhere totally different. Why would it end in that place? I want it to represent Sesshomaru's and Rin's union in a quiet way.
But how the hell do you make Sesshomaru fall in love with Rin without getting all mushy and out of character? I hate it when main characters 'change' from badass to this love-sick fool. * shudder * Most of all, how does Rin tell him? And how do you even make great, awesome Sesshomaru-sama feel guilt???
Answers to these questions only came to me two days ago. I am sorry that this took very long to finish or to publish, but this fic was so hard to write. Finding the tone, being in character, and making everything come together without making it too predictable. Well, it's done and I tried my best. Took me four hours to write it, but it's done now.
There were many things that went through my head while making this fic, but to tell you the truth, the only thing I wanted to do was make a sweet Rin and Sesshomaru fic. I just wanted to say I love this couple and that this is a fic dedicated to them.
I wanted these characters to grow and figure each other out, but also about themselves. Rin is my favorite character in Inuyasha because she is neither youkai or human and she works out of these boundaries. The boundaries she does put around herself are the issues in which she's dealt with in relation to Sesshomaru and Jaken. I wanted her to push herself as an equal, but she didn't quite see herself like that until the end. I wanted Rin to grow to be Sesshomaru's equal.
Just as much, I wanted Sesshomaru to show that his problem wasn't because he didn't think of Rin as his equal (for he had already pushed that the day he 'adopted' her), but that he felt that he wasn't _her_ equal. A girl who may have been a thief to survive and such, but her heart was always pure and whole towards him. He was scared he'd break her with his own hands, through Seth.
Yes, I think too much about things, but thank you to those who have read this fic. I also thank those who will read this fic.
I just wanted to convey through this fic that sometimes the enemy that keeps you away from others isn't action, it's what you think about yourself. Silence is a source of strength, but it also like a deadly weapon.
Again, thank you for reading, and especially to Miyuki-san for letting me use her translations!
8/03
