Smile

Ch. 3: Hospital Stay; The Psychiatry Appointment

A/N: I have self-esteem now... I'm not used to it... Oh well! Yesss...Drool over my magical powers! I have powers pinto beans can only dream of! +cough+ My eyes are hurting... my damn glasses are too weak...owie...I give Nny a middle name... OH GOD! MY KINGDOM FOR SOME EYE DROPS!! I own myself; I'm Johnny's psychiatrist. This gets into a bit of a romance (I need a boyfriend...I am so jealous of, Gaz*!) * a friend of mine...Audioslave owns the song "What You Are", from which an excerpt is taken.

Squee looked at the knife, it was stained with his brother's blood. The life force trickled down the handle and onto Squee's hand. The boy took a deep breath; he was going to do what Shmee wanted... Damn bear. Choking back sobs, Squee stabbed his father in the neck. Hot tears fell onto his father's body. He didn't know what to do. He turned and checked Johnny's pulse. He was still alive. Thinking quickly, Squee called an ambulance, explaining that he had killed his father in self-defense. Squee sat at the doorstep, holding Shmee, and waited for the ambulance.

Back inside the house, Johnny stirred. He yelped in pain and put a hand to his side. The blood was beginning to congeal around the wound. Nny saw the knife sticking out of his father's throat. He felt light headed from fear and blood loss. Would he be arrested for his past crimes? If that were going to happen, then who would take care of Squee? Johnny had no idea where their mother was... He blinked in pain as he saw the red lights of the ambulance as it pulled up to the drive way. He could hear the voices of the paramedics talking to Squee.

"Where's the stab victim?"

Johnny called out in a hoarse voice.

"I'm in here!" he called.

The paramedics raced into Squee's bedroom. One of them injected an anesthetic into Johnny's arm.

"Squee..." Johnny whispered, he could feel the knock out drug working it's way through his bloodstream. The boy held his brother's hand.

"I'm here, Johnny," he said.

Johnny blinked back tears.

"I'm sorry- I shouldn't...have..." he fell asleep before he could finish the sentence.

Another paramedic pulled Squee away from Nny.

"Do you have any other family, kiddo?"

Squee sniffed.

"The only living family I have is Johnny...I want to go to the hospital with him,"

The paramedic nodded.

"Okay, you can go with us. Mind you, he'll have needles and IV tubes in him, I hope you're not scared of that kinda thing,"

Squee sighed and stepped into the ambulance with his brother.

********

Two hours later...

Johnny awoke to the sound of Squee's stifled sobs. He flinched as he felt the stitches in his side.

"Squee," he whispered.

"What's wrong?"

Squee sniffed.

"I thought you were dead...I don't want to have to go away, some people came and said that they wanted to put me in foster care. I want to stay with you, Johnny! Please don't leave me all alone..." said Squee, his eyes were red from sobbing.

Johnny sighed painfully.

"I won't leave you," he said, his eyes had lost the light of insanity. A new light replaced it... Squee could not place what it was. After a moment of trying to find the word, he latched onto it: caring.

"Promise?" asked Squee. Nny smiled.

"I promise."

Todd finally knew what it meant to be cared about, and it was the best feeling in his life. He suddenly saw this favorable light extinguish from his brother's eyes. It was then replaced with a dim light of doubt and recollection.

Three days later...

Nny walked through the downtown area with a spring in his step. He felt much better then he had in years. There were no voices; no more midnight strolls. Johnny was eating better and actually had no fear of sleeping anymore. He continued to take his medications, being monitored by his psychiatrist once a week. He was headed there now. After the doctor appointment, he had to make a stop at child services and finally pick up Squee from school. Johnny entered the doctor's office, giving a slight smile to the secretary at the front desk.

"Hello, Johnny," said the woman, handing him a privacy discloser to sign.

"You seem to be doing well."

Johnny nodded.

"I am, Rosemary, I haven't felt this good in years," he said.

He sat down and looked at a magazine, waiting for his name to be called. A young woman opened a door and greeted him with a smile.

"Casail, Jonathan," she said.

Johnny rose and shut the door behind him.

"Why must you use my real name, Jezebel?"

Jezebel sighed, her short brown hair curling slightly around her ears.

"It's a rule, I didn't write it," she said. She pushed a pair of thin wire-rimmed glasses up the bridge of her nose. The doctor opened a door and allowed Johnny to step inside her office. The room's walls were a light gray, like the clouds after a spring rain. There were pictures of birds on the walls, and a painting of a vase of black roses. Johnny sat down, not taking his eyes off the painting; he had not noticed that before. Jezebel turned so she could look at what Johnny was so captivated by.

"You like the painting?" she asked.

Johnny nodded.

"I get a lot of complements on that. I did it when I was 15," she said.

Johnny raised his eyebrows.

"You..." the doctor cut him off.

"I did paint that, but we should talk about what happened three days ago. I was notified by the hospital," said Jezebel, pulling out a pen and paper.

"I learned that I am Todd Casail's brother," said Johnny.

Jezebel nodded.

"Todd comes in my office from time to time, he's told me about you. Things that you haven't told me," Jezebel's dark green eyes were locked on her patient. Johnny squirmed uneasily in his seat.

"What kind of things?" he asked.

Jezebel cleared her throat; her voice was serious and cold.

"He's told me what you've done, all the knives you have, the sick sounds he could hear coming from your house at night, would you mind explaining yourself?"

Johnny coughed, fighting the tears welling in his eyes.

"How-long ago was this?" he whispered, he fought to keep the tears from falling.

"It was about three years ago, after you went out of town," said the doctor.

"Now, please, explain yourself!"

Johnny broke down, he told Jezebel about everything he'd done in the past. The killings, the voices, the doughboys, nail-bunny, and what he had exposed his brother to. The confession lasted an hour and a half. Jezebel nodded silently, tears falling down her face as well.

"Am I considered a danger to society still?" Johnny asked finally.



Jezebel dried her eyes.

"You're doing so well, I don't see how that can be possible," she said. She handed Johnny a tissue and then wiped her own eyes.

"Why are you crying, Jezebel?"

It seemed as though the roles of doctor and patient had switched. Johnny sat in the chair next to her.

"I used to be just like you," she whispered.

"I had three voices in my head, I did what I could to keep them happy... I cut myself...I bashed my head into a mirror, just so they would stop screaming...I was 15; I can feel them wanting to come back... They want control again... I remember, once, I was so afraid, I overdosed on my medication, my stomach still hurts from remembering it... I won't be a slave anymore..." she whispered. She sang a part of a song that Johnny had heard earlier that day:

"And when you wanted blood

I cut my veins

And when you wanted love

I bled myself again

Now that I've had my fill of you

I'll give you up forever

And here I go, faraway

I know you'll find another slave..."

Johnny put an arm around the doctor's shoulder.

"Ssh, it's all right, they're not there anymore, and neither are mine, we're safe now," he said, quietly. He looked her in the eyes. Johnny could tell that she was afraid. The two felt themselves inching closer to each other. Suddenly Jezebel gasped and stood up.

"No! We can't, Johnny. Doctor/patient relationships are strictly against the rules! I could lose my job if anyone saw us!" she said.

Johnny sighed.

"No one has to know, Jezebel," he said quietly.

Jezebel turned her back to him. Her voice was cold and choked with tears.

"Leave, Johnny. I'll have Rosemary make an appointment for next week," she said quietly.

Johnny reached to put a hand on her shoulder, but the doctor recoiled.

"LEAVE ME!" she snapped.

Johnny looking hurt walked out, slamming the door behind him. He strode into a vacant elevator and was about to press the button to go down when he recoiled his hand. He gripped onto the railing and screamed. He was finally learning to feel again... The one feeling he wanted turned out to be something impossible. But, Johnny had seen the look in Jezebel's eyes. She was as lonely has he was. In anger, Johnny slammed his fist down on the metal paneling of the elevator wall. He fell to his knees, sobbing.

Back in her office, Jezebel gripped onto the wall. She was upset as well. She walked towards the couch and grabbed a pillow, which she screamed into. The doctor regained control of herself.

"Dammit Wingweaver!" she snarled to herself.

"You care about your job more then you do the one man you've fallen for since you first saw him in your office three months ago. He wants you, you want him, but noooo, it's all about the money, isn't Jezebel?" she snapped. She could feel the voices beginning to come back.

"End it," said one. Jezebel's lip quivered in fear.

"Kaine, you're back?!"

Another voice sound from Jezebel's mind.

"You never were good with words, Jezebel," it said.

The doctor's breathing quickened.

"Michel..."

A final voice hissed from a dark corner of Jezebel's brain.

"We're not dead..." it sang.

The doctor shook her head, not wanting to believe it.

"Lucius... No! NO! NOT AGAIN!!" she screamed. She picked up the painting of the black roses and threw it out the window.

***

Johnny finally gained control of himself, and had neared the exit of the building. He saw Squee standing near the doorway. The little boy smiled at his brother.

"Squee! Oh my god- how did you find your way here?!" Johnny asked.

Squee took his brother's hand.

"I took the city bus. You had a long session today?" he asked.

Johnny nodded.

"And then some," he said quietly

The brothers heard a scream from Jezebel's office. Johnny picked up Squee and raced up the stairs.

"What happened?!" he demanded.

The secretary, Rosemary, pointed to the open door of Jezebel's office. Johnny raced inside, Squee following.

Johnny gasped. Squee whimpered.

"Oh no," Nny muttered.

"Jezebel.."

The doctor was lying on the floor unconscious, an empty bottle of pills in her hand. Johnny saw that Jezebel had written something on the wall. A message, messily written in black ink, stood out on the gray paint.

"They're back..." Squee read. He looked at Johnny, confused.

"Who's back, Johnny?" he asked.

Rosemary peered into the room, she had a cell phone in her hand.

"What's she done?" the middle aged secretary asked.

Johnny looked over his shoulder.

"It looks like she overdosed on her anti-psychosis pills, the bottle's empty," said Johnny, picking up the orange plastic bottle.

Rosemary dialed 911 and walked back to her desk.

Squee searched the floor, looking for any pills the doctor may have spilled. Johnny put two fingers to Jezebel's neck, checking for a pulse. Nny could feel a faint pulse. He felt tears fall down his face again.

"They took over, didn't they? They left me and went to you. I'm so sorry...Jezebel, wake up, please...No one has to know about us... Is that what drove you over the edge again? Don't do this. Don't leave, Squee needs you, I need you...Wake up..." Johnny whispered, holding the doctor in his arms.

Jezebel's head fell limply to the side. Johnny held her, he buried his face in her blouse.

"No..." he whispered. Squee tapped his brother on the shoulder, five pills in his hand. Johnny gently set Jezebel down.

"She downed all except five," he whispered. Johnny looked at the little white pills in his brother's hand. He tried to take them from him, but Squee ran up and tossed them out the window.

"YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T LEAVE ME!" Todd shouted.

Johnny stopped, he remembered his promise. Jezebel stirred.

"Juh-Johnny? They came back... I was afraid...I-I love you..." the doctor whispered. Johnny saw the frightened, glazed look in Jezebel's eyes. Suddenly overcome with resurfaced emotions, Johnny kissed her. Nny pulled away, allowing Jezebel to breathe.

Paramedics entered the room. One of them remembered Johnny.

"Hey, weren't you the stab victim from a couple of days back?" he asked, as he and his partner laid Jezebel on the gurney.

Johnny nodded.

The paramedics took Jezebel away. Johnny turned to Squee.

"Let's go," he said. Squee nodded. The two of them had been living in a hotel recently. Johnny sighed.

"I'll buy you an ice cream, Squee, would you like that?"

Squee shook his head.

"No, thank you. I'm all right, really. I'll go watch some cartoons in the room, you go relax in the hot tub."

Johnny sighed.

"I'm sorry you had to see that. But, you are right, I need to relax," said Johnny.

A/N: DAMN! This ch. is looooong!