Smile

Ch. 4: Jezebel's Secret

A/N: I'm depressed today...8sniff8 I'm all alone, not like any of you guys care, but I just feel like I need to say it...I'm gonna go cry now...I own Squee's lil poem. This chapter has sex in it, just to warn you. This is probably the LONGEST chapter in the story.

Disclaimer: I don't own Squee, or Johnny, if I did, I'd be sitting in a golden pool, sipping an expensive Bloody Mary...And Johnny would be wearing leather pants and singing to me in Italian...Okay, that's one fantasy no one needed to know...

Johnny took Squee to their hotel room. The little boy turned on the TV to cartoons, and busied himself with a notebook and pencil. Johnny walked to the bathroom, he stepped out a moment later in his swimming trunks, a towel over her shoulder.

"I'll be downstairs in the hot tub, if you need me," said Johnny to Squee.

"I'm leaving the room key with you, but I'm locking the door. I'll tell you when I come back. If you come down to see me, remember not to run by the pool, Squee,"

Squee rolled his eyes.

"I know Johnny," he said, not looking put from his work.

Johnny walked out, double-checking that the door was locked. He walked down to the room where the hot tub and pool was. Nny gratefully set down the towel and stepped into the hot tub. He moaned.

"Oooh yeah, I sooo needed this," he muttered. A moment later he heard the door open, no one was there but him. He saw someone walk towards him. Nny felt his jaw drop.

"Jezebel... You're okay!" he said.

Dr. Jezebel Wingweaver smiled, she pulled the towel away that she had around herself, reveling a black bikini.

"Mind if I join you?" she asked, her eyes had a mischievous sparkle in them.

Johnny moved over a bit, making room for Jezebel's slender form.

"Are you sure you're all right? What happened to you?" he asked as Jezebel slipped into the hot tub. Jezebel flinched and held her left forearm, lightly splashing Johnny.

"Damn, The paramedics had to give me about five IVs. My arm's covered in pinpricks," she said. She carefully set her arm in the water.

"The voices came back, I panicked. I overdosed again. I'm sorry if I scared you and your brother. The doctors were amazed that I made it. I mean, after you kissed me, I DIED. As I felt the life slipping from me, the one thought on my mind was returning the kiss you gave me. I came back, and I'll never overdose again. I swear it," said Jezebel.

Johnny sighed.

"What about the 'no doctor/patient relationships' rule?" asked Johnny, smiling.

Jezebel walked out of the hot tub and stepped up to the rim of the pool.

"Screw it," she said before diving in. Jezebel jumped in, Johnny following.

"You're serious?" he asked, swimming towards her.

"I realized that you're more important than my job. I said I love you and I mean it,"

Johnny smiled.

"Why were you so-uh, pardon my French, bitchy-after I told you all about my past?" he asked.

Jezebel sighed.

"I couldn't believe that there was someone else who was exactly like me...we both suffered from the same number of voices. Perhaps they left you and entered me. I can't tell you how many people I frightened away when I was still in public school. I managed to achieve the loss of feeling, like you have. When we were still doing our session, when we nearly kissed...I was afraid. I was afraid to allow myself to love again. I haven't loved for the past seven years...my heart said yes, but my mind wouldn't allow it. I'm sorry that I made you angry. There are a lot of things I'm sorry for."

Nny lifted her chin up, his brown eyes staring into her dark green ones.

"We can't change the past, Jezebel...If I could I would...But then, I may have never met you, or discovered who I am. We're free from the monsters. C'mon, I'll buy you a drink or something," said Johnny, getting out of the pool.

Jezebel rubbed her arms.

" I don't drink anymore. Do you mind if I take a shower in your room? I need to get this chlorine out of my hair or it gets all hard and gross," she asked, wrapping her towel around her body.

Johnny nodded.

"Yeah, follow me," he said, opening the door to exit the poolroom.

Back in the hotel room...

Johnny knocked on the door; he found it unlocked. Squee was asleep on one of the two beds. Jezebel smiled apologetically.

"Squee let me in, I guess I forgot to lock it on my way out," she whispered. She shut the bathroom door.

Johnny sat on the second bed; he looked over at his sleeping brother, the notebook open, lying by Squee's arm. Nny picked up the notebook and read what his brother had written.

Skeleton Rain

The clouds are black

The earth a deep crimson from sorrow

The air smells of acid rain

No one's here but me

I look into the blackened heavens

And wonder how I can start anew

A new rain begins to fall

Stinging my face

Puddles form around my feet

As I stand here in this skeleton rain

Now I see the world through the eyes of a fallen angel

Carried on the wings of tragedy

All I can do is scream

Scream for a better way to change

Instead of standing here in this skeleton rain

Johnny was stunned. He realized that Squee was troubled by something. He knew that he would have to show this to Jezebel. Nny put on a shirt and pulled off his wet swim trunks. At that moment Jezebel stepped out of the bathroom. She gave a squeak and shut her eyes.

"God, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were changing," she said, a hand over her eyes. She smiled to herself.

'Damn, he's got a cute butt,' she thought.

"Right," said Johnny, pulling on his pants.

"I'm decent now,"

Jezebel smiled. She could see that Johnny was blushing.

"I've got a loft apartment a few blocks away from here, you two can stay, Squee'll have his own room, so will you," she said.

"We can rent a few movies, get some Chinese..."

Johnny nodded. He showed Jezebel Squee's poem.

"I read this, and something doesn't sound right, it doesn't sound like my brother," he said.

Jezebel read the poem, and then looked at Squee. She gently touched his hair. Squee turned over onto his back.

"Make him stop hitting me, mamma," the boy whispered. Squee was dreaming of his father, beating him again. His stepmother did nothing to protect him. Jezebel sighed sadly.

"He's so young. He shouldn't have to suffer like this. Is he being sent to foster care?" the doctor asked.

Johnny shook his head.

"I'm going to head over to child services tomorrow. I'm hoping to get custody of him."

"Custody?" repeated Jezebel.

" Oh, Johnny, you can't be serious..."

Johnny looked taken aback.

"You said I wasn't dangerous," he whispered.

Jezebel looked at the floor.

"I thought I was fine, and look what happened. If it can happen to me, it can happen to you, I think you need to wait until we're totally out of the woods. I'm not speaking to you as a lover, but a doctor. Wait, just another month, that's all I'm asking,"

Johnny shook his head.

"I promised him that I wouldn't leave!" he snarled, pointing to Squee.

"And I swear on my life that I'll keep that promise!"

Jezebel sighed. Her eyes shined with non-falling tears.

"Then you're a fool, Johnny Edward Casail," she whispered.

"You made a promise that you can't keep,"

Nny gritted his teeth in anger.

"I was foolish only in thinking I loved you, I was wrong. I don't love you. Get out!" he snapped.

Jezebel bit her lip; she slapped Johnny across the face.

"And I was foolish in thinking I could feel again. The voices were right, I should've ended it a long time ago!" With that said, Jezebel walked out the door.

Johnny sat on the vacant bed, his head in his hands. Squee walked up to his brother.

"You let her get away," he said.

Johnny sneered.

"I don't need her, I don't need to love. I was such a fool," he whispered.

Squee sighed.

"Johnny, I understand that you can't keep your promise, I'm not important..."

Johnny grabbed his brother by the shoulders.

"Don't you EVER say that again!" he said, looking into Squee's brown eyes.

"I'm your brother, it's my job to take care of you,"

Squee's eyes widened at his brother's reaction to his words.

"I just want you to be happy, and if that means I have to go away, then fine. Dr. Wingweaver made you happy, but you cast her aside. She loves you Johnny, and you're too concerned about my well-being. You broke her heart!" said Squee.

Johnny rose to his feet.

"Dammit, Todd! I don't want you to turn out like our father, or like me..." he sighed, holding onto the doorframe. Tears fell down his face as he fell to his knees.

"You're right, I did hurt Jezebel. I'm nothing but a monster. I have to find her..."

Squee put a hand on Johnny's shoulder.

"I'm coming with you," he said, putting on a pair of Nikes.

Johnny nodded.

"Did she tell you anything when she came in here to change?" he asked.

Squee fumbled with his shoelaces in thought.

"She asked me if you and I wanted to stay at her loft apartment, she said she has extra room," said Squee.

Johnny nodded.

"Yeah, yeah, I accepted, did she give you an address?"

Squee ran his fingers through his short black hair. He watched as his brother adjusted his ponytail. Squee pushed his hair down. Johnny winced as he had snapped himself with the rubber band.

"She said it was the Moreau loft apartments. Number...676,"

Johnny smiled; he gave up in trying to put his hair in a ponytail, and decided to leave it down.

"Great. Interesting address, a combination of heaven and hell. I wonder which one overthrows the other," he said.

The brothers left the hotel, bags slug over their shoulders. Johnny placed the room key on the front desk. Oddly enough, the room number was 777.

At Moreau Loft Apartment 676...

Jezebel sighed as she looked over poetry and sketches she had made months ago. One of the voices, Michel, spoke.

"Past hurts, doesn't it, Jezey?" he asked.

Jezebel groaned; she took a swig of brandy.

"Bite me, Michel," she snarled.

Her professional, 'doctor-look' was replaced by a black shirt with a picture of a black widow spider on it; she had on black pants, with holes in the legs that looked like bullet holes. The thin wire-rimmed glasses were replaced with plastic, dark tortoise shell colored frames. Her hair was spiked down.

"Nothing hurts more then what Johnny said to me," she said. She took another swig of the amber brew.

Michel laughed.

"So, you're bringing down the shield for this guy, huh?" he said, his voice growing more joyful with every word.

"No! I-I don't know...I don't know what to do anymore. We both got so carried away in anger. He said some things, I said some things and stormed off. Maybe you're right, Kaine, maybe I don't deserve him,"

Another voice, a deep British one, spoke from within Jezebel's head.

"That's right, Jezey, darling, forget him. Just go back to how you were before, back when I guided your every move." This was Kaine, the homicidal loon who managed to control Jezebel's actions with sharp objects when she was severely depressed.

Jezebel bit her tongue, she knew better than to take another sip of brandy, but she hoped that the alcohol would make Michel and Kaine as drunk as possible. But then, she'd be pretty drunk too. The doctor shrugged it off and chugged.

"What are you so happy about, Michel?" came the third and final voice, this one belonged to Lucius, he was the one who didn't show up as frequently as Kaine or Michel. Lucius enjoyed scaring Jezebel, in telling her that her problems wouldn't leave her.

Jezebel coughed, she'd chugged too fast. Michel chuckled. Jezebel was happy that she couldn't understand what the voices were saying; they had become slurred. The alcohol was taking its desired effect. The doctor heard a knock on the door. She stumbled. Tripping over her own feet, she opened the door. She smiled.

Johnny Casail stared in wonder at the woman before him.

"Jezebel?" he asked, surveying her outfit.

"Is that you?"

The psychiatrist nodded.

"Yep, that's me, I'm fine and dandy," she slurred, suddenly falling foreword into Johnny's arms. She laughed.

"Jezebel," asked Johnny slowly. He led her inside and made sure she sat down.

"Have you been drinking?"

Jezebel reached for the bottle of brandy. It was already half gone.

"I bought it today to celebrate!" she said, taking yet another swig.

Johnny raised an eyebrow. He made sure Squee was taking refuge in the kitchen.

"Celebrate what?" Nny asked.

"And I thought you said you didn't drink,"

Jezebel put the bottle down. Johnny hid it behind a pillow. The doctor laughed.

"To celebrate us, silly!" she said. She attempted to kiss him, but Johnny gently pushed her back.

"Whoa! Okay, that's enough alcohol for you tonight!" he said, grimacing at the smell of brandy on Jezebel's breath.

"And, you, Miss Wingweaver, are going to bed. Away from the boy so he doesn't get any ideas,"

Jezebel 'phft' at him.

"I'm fine! I only had a little tiny drink!" she said. She stood, stumbled foreword, and tripped over the coffee table.

Johnny led Jezebel to the master bedroom. He laid Jezebel on the bed and walked out, closing and locking the door. He called out to Squee.

"All right, Squee, she's in solitary confinement," he said.

"You can come out now,"

Squee was sitting on the couch, sniffing the brandy bottle.

"EW!" he said.

Nny took the brandy bottle from his younger sibling. He walked into the kitchen and took a swig before pouring the remainder down the sink. Johnny grimaced at the sharp taste.

"Squee, never, ever, touch this stuff. It'll fuck your mind up worse than what Schmee's already done to it,"

Squee's looked terrified. Johnny looked concerned.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

Squee trembled slightly.

"You're not gonna turn into our father, are you? You're not gonna hit me, are you?"



Johnny sat next to his brother.

"Squee, Dad drank way too much. I only had a little bit. I locked Jezebel in her room so she wouldn't try to kiss me again. She'll be really sick in the morning, and probably in a bad mood. So, how about we surprise her in the morning, by getting donuts?"

Squee grinned.

"Donuts!" he cried.

Johnny patted Squee on the head. The two could hear Jezebel in the bathroom. The hangover was beginning.

"Get some sleep, Squee. I'll wake you when I'm about to go to get donuts," said Nny.

Todd walked into another bedroom.

"G'night, Johnny," he said.

" 'Night, Squee," he said.

Squee shut his bedroom door. Johnny turned on the TV, he took a look at some of the DVDs Jezebel had: Signs, The Count of Monte Christo, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon; The Ring, and the Japanese version Ringu. Johnny popped in Ringu. He soon fell asleep on the couch.

***

Midnight...



Johnny awoke to the feeling of a light kiss on his forehead. He opened his eyes. Jezebel was standing next to him.

"I hope you're sober," he said.

Jezebel nodded. Nny saw that she was very pale.

"I've been puking my guts up for the past four hours, I think I'm safe," she said.

Johnny sat up, rubbing the kink in his neck.

"I was watching a movie and I guess I fell asleep," he said.

Jezebel smiled.

"Go to bed. Oh wait, shit! I've got all of my art supplies in the other bedroom! Damn! That couch is the most uncomfortable piece of crap I've ever slept on, so...this is gonna sound kinda awkward, but you can sleep in my room. I just came to get a drink of water. Uh, I'll sleep in here, if you want," said Jezebel, blushing.

Johnny shook his head.

"No, it's your bed, you should be able to sleep there too," he said.

Jezebel looked rather nervous.

"Johnny, if we share a bed, and we both get caught up in our emotions and...you know..." she licked her lips as she struggled to find the words.

"What I'm trying to say is, perhaps you should find another psychiatrist. Before we do something we may regret."

Johnny looked hurt.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"It's nothing to do with you! It's just that-should something happen when we get in that bed...Johnny, I don't know how to phrase what I'm saying, I just have a nagging feeling...I'll give you the number of another psychiatrist that I know, he'll be able to help you more than I ever could..."

Johnny shook his head.

"I don't want to go to a different psychiatrist...I want you. I look at you and I can remember things I never even knew occurred. I look at you, and I feel so happy. I-I look at you, and I'm home. I don't want to lose that feeling. I love you, Jezebel. It doesn't matter if I'm your patient; we're not in your office now. When we have our sessions, I'll just control myself. Please,"

Jezebel sat down next to him and shut her eyes.

"Johnny, I love you, you know I do. But, I just feel so lost right now. So many thoughts going through my head at a rapid pace. Memories I'd rather not remember...all the anger and the blame I've cast upon myself over the years... All the things I've done...why am I feeling like this?" she whispered, her head in her hands. Johnny stood behind her and began to massage her shoulders.

"I don't know," he said.

"Relax, then we'll go to bed."

Nny was amazed at how tense Jezebel was. He felt sorry for the doctor. She'd done so much for him and Squee, and here was how she truly was: a woman with a shattered soul. He wanted to help her. Make her feel better; help her cast aside the indescribable feelings. Jezebel sighed; Johnny could feel her muscles begin to relax under his hands. She rose and kissed Johnny lightly on the lips.

"Thank you," she said. Johnny saw that there was no light in her eyes. The captivating sparkle was gone. Her eyes looked hollow and sad. Nny took her hand in his.

"All this time, ever since I met you, and probably longer, you've been pretending to be happy, haven't you?" he asked.

Jezebel slowly nodded.

"Yes," she whispered.

Johnny held her close to him. He could feel her heart pound.

"It's killing you, isn't it?" he asked.

Jezebel nodded again.

"Nny, if you didn't come here when you did tonight, I'd have drunk myself to death," she said. Johnny looked into her hollow eyes.

"What do you mean?" he whispered. Jezebel led him to the kitchen. She threw open a set of cupboard doors. The shelves were filled with alcohol. Johnny gasped.

"This is how you relive your suffering?" he asked.

Jezebel gripped onto the counter, she fell to her knees.

"Every night I get myself as drunk as I can. The voices have been coming back lately. Every time they scream at me, I reach for a drink. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!!" she screamed.

"Jezebel," Johnny said, kneeling down next her.

"You need to get rid of all of this, you and I will take care of it this afternoon. But for now, you need to try to regain control of yourself. Just take a few deep breaths and tell me how you feel,"

Jezebel did as was asked of her, she rose, and Johnny followed suit. The doctor threw her arms around Johnny's neck, sobbing into his shoulder.

"I know I have a problem. I can't thank you enough for being here right now, Johnny. I feel so dead inside. And if anyone can bring me back to life it's you," she said.

Johnny kissed her, running his fingers through her short brown hair. He led her to the bedroom, gently laying Jezebel down on the bed.

"Are you sure about this?" Jezebel asked, as Johnny pulled off his shirt. Nny nodded.

"I can't even begin to think of how to say 'I love you' better then this," he said, kissing her. Jezebel smiled. A light slowly began to dance in her eyes. She took off her glasses, as Johnny pulled off her shirt. Jezebel lightly touched Johnny's shoulder length hair. He kissed her again, pulling her into a deep embrace. Jezebel pulled away, the light in her eyes turning into a fire. She smiled again.

"Bring me to life, Johnny,"