2. PIGEONS EXPLAINED: WHAT THEY ARE AND WHAT IS THEIR PURPOSE CONCERNING THE DARK MATTERS REIGNING THE SMALL EVIL ISLANDS OF THE UNIVERSE

So, what's the big deal with pigeons? Huh? Has the narrator gone insane?        

Generally, people believed the pigeons to be calm by-residents that had habited the small rock called Tellus long before the dawn of mankind. Thousands of years before Adam, they had cooed as irritatingly as today. They had been pigeons when they had been created, and they had been pigeons until this day. Columba livia had looked like a pigeon in the cave paintings of stone-aged men. Columba livia had looked like a pigeon in the medieval manuscripts. Columba livia looked like a pigeon in the modern bird books. Columba livia looked like a normal pigeon in the Internet pictures. Damn it, what's so freaking strange in a single stupid pigeon, then? You only ask, you only ask. And they ask.

Actually, in the most shadowy shades of time, some pigeons had turned to the dark side of the force. This is the official history of the Dark Pigeons according to the Intergalactic Birdwatcher Database (founded on the same historical galactic year as an automatic sock-stink stimulator was invented in a small research centre on a small planet in the vicinity of Wezen III. But since that invention did not really become an interstellar success and unfortunately had sucked a large amount of money during its development, it merely caused the bankruptcy of the minor company that sponsored the small research centre. So nothing important there and let us get back to the horrible and appalling secrets of the pigeons.) is the following:

Pigeon (commonly known as Ruma ja läski lintu joka lehahti lähimmän puhelinpylvään nokasta ilmaan ja kakki hatullesi in the official intergalactic language), is a carbonic based life form that is covered with feathers and has a digestion system more complex than that of a Slimoblobbian Blast-Ended Skrewt. Its origins are on a remote planet Tellus (third planet from the local sun in the solar system of H-I-Llbilly-C-093423042). Sometime during the Orcmorbotgrrrhothian wars around years 3670011K-3671000C, a Blorrffgrrothian military commander smuggled these creatures from Tellus, brainwashed them to join the dark side, and successfully began using them as spies. Pigeons make cunning and skillful secret agents due to their innocent looks and 'presumably' low intelligence level.

After the Blorrffgrrothians has successfully won the Orcmorbotgrrrhothian wars and turned their opponents into oozing protoplasm, the usage of pigeons as spies gradually spread among the war lords that fought against the current Galactic Coalition. Some empires of the dark side went on to genetically manipulate the pigeons to make them more efficient to collect secret governmental information and in the same time still retain their innocent dotty looks. For long, these creatures were kept only as a migrant species in the solar systems of the Galactic Coalition, until around year 42345155ZZ it was scandalously discovered that the coalition's largest enemy, the Evil Empire of Masked Mallards, had tens of years spied confidential intergalactic secrets via their genetically manipulated pigeons.

The same year the possession and usage of pigeons was made illegal by strict laws inside the borders of the Galactic Coalition. A footnote, however, allowed the original species still to remain on the remote planet Tellus, where they natively habited. The local pigeon population on this particular planet is regularly checked by the Intergalactic Bureau of Regulation of Illegal Creatures and assured that they are not a security threat.

Opposition leaders in the Galactic Coalition Senate have often protested that pigeons should be banned even on Tellus.

Oh, if only the situation had been this calm. What the Galactic Coalition did not know, was that there was a terrible new Dark Lord arisen from the ashes of a shady fallen kingdom, somewhere in the most remote rims of the Milky Way. And that he had re-awaken the pigeons… by making them even more vicious and slitheringly sneaky… so that even the Galactic Coalition was unable to detect the looming atrocious shadows of the scowling murky horizon.

       

And in the little town in Finland, in the little student apartment, Q Gamma had received an asthmatic reaction because of the sheer fright towards the pigeons. There were tens of them in the trees, and they just sat there, and stared. With big, bulging eyes they stared right through Q's window. Stared at her. Stared at her every movement. Stared so horribly that even the narrator begins to get headache from their stare.

Panting with fear, she quickly drew the curtains back over that vile scene. What did they want from her? Why had they come back? Why the heck had they come here even originally?

What was there so special in a lazy third-year engineer student that such monstrosities had come to reside in the trees beneath her window?