Disclaimer: don't own, not mine

rating: R

Authors notes: Well, I guess this will be ch. 4... I said that I would put something about the shinoni withdrawal from the outside world, but that will be the next ch, I think...I used mostly western traditions here, I have never been to nor read about a Shinto wedding, so this will not be as acuate as I would like, I am sorry.... In any case I am 18 and I have been writing since I was like 14, but I only got into prose like 2 years ago, so there is a bit of a bio for u ( though I don't see y it matters, but well :).... In any case thanks for the reviews, they means a great deal, please keep um coming :) and thanks... well, here we go....

( 2 year 9 months 0 days before ch.1 or 2 days before ch.3)



( the last journal entry in Raidou's journal...)

Dear journal,

Today is the big day and I still have no idea what to do. I should be happy for them, right? He is my brother and she couldn't be getting a better husband. I get the honor of seeing my little brother married to the most perfect woman I have ever met and I get the honor of caller her sister. That should be enough for me shouldn't it?

I can't help it. I am not the one who woke up and decided that, since I was five years old, she would be the only woman I looked at. The only one I ever could see myself with.... I didn't choose to love her, so why must I now suffer for a sin I didn't commit? The sin of falling in love...

I should be happy for them, my brother and Ayame... Oh god even her name is painful for me to write... Who is so cold that they can turn their back on their own heart? Who??? She is everything to me, she is my world, and now I have to watch my best friend and her become on in name, heart and being... Why am I being punished..

Never. I swear to all the Ki at once that I will never fall in love again. There is no point, it all only ends in pain... Oh gods help me get through this ceremony with my sanity intact.. I will never love another person again... Never...

In any case I am going to see the oracle, I have already begun the fasting and making the other preparations... They say that only fools see him, well I have nothing left to loose and I would welcome death with open arms right now if he were here, so there is nothing he can say that can hurt me anymore...

I guess, my dear journal, the one friend I have left, I would ask you for luck... I... I have.... I must... I got to put on the best facade I can, I won't ruin this for them, at least they can be happy... Dear gods please harden my heart...

Raidou set his pen down and, slowly, closed his book. It was about nine in the morning and this was the first time he had to himself all day, since 5. They had been getting ready for his brother's big day, for their big day. Yet he still felt empty, cold. He had always confided in his brother, had always sought advice in him. Now he couldn't, what was he to say, ' I love the woman that your marrying. Sorry to tell you this on your wedding day, but I have loved her since before I can remember and what do you think I should do?' So he was left with his thoughts, allowing them to simmer and stew in his mind, slowly getting more and more pointed. He felt as though he wanted to laugh, cry, embrace his brother and kill him. That and the fact that he had been feeling this way since his brother and the woman he loved, for he dared not speak her name now, had fallen for each other didn't help things either. But now an idea that was a mere dream, a nightmare, had come to pass. It was as if he had sharpened the sword of his heart to a fine point, and now he fell on it.

The day itself was beautiful. The perfect day for what everyone seemed to be calling the perfect wedding. There was a gentle breeze and the sun shone down, not in a harsh and brutal way, but in a gentle embrace. The very gods themselves seemed to be rejoicing at this marriage. The air had on it the sweet smell of flowers, freshly cut for the ceremony and a hint of food, just now being made. Outside he could hear the happiness of the others, as they laughed and talked about this and that. Indeed the very air seemed to carry with it an energy that seemed to come from the people.

Of corse all of this only added to Raidou's suffering. The best idea of hell is having to look upon heaven, but never being allowed to entire into it, never being allowed to partake of the feast. He felt like a trader either way, for if he went through with his role, he betrayed and ripped out his own heart and if he tried to do something, he betrayed his brother and his heritage. So he sat in his 'room', the only one not partaking in the festivities, and he brooded.

The room he was in, in contrast to the outside area, was dark and the air seemed stale and cold and lifeless. He had tried, best he could, to block the sun from his sight and to lock himself within the comfort of the dark, to forget about the outside. This proved useless because the sounds of happiness pored through the shut door and made it impossible to forget. HE sat on the edge of his sleeping pad, his book in his lap and his hands holding his face, and this was the position she found him in.

" Raidou" This one word, this name, when spoken by her, even in her angelic and soft tone, seemed to mock him. It had a point sharper then any arrow he had ever been hit by and it pierced his very soul. For there before him, blinding him with her brilliance, stood his love. She was in the traditional wedding dress and she looked so beautiful. Painfully beautiful. His brother wasn't allowed to see her and he wasn't supposed to either, but she had sought him out, not visa versa.

He tried to speak, but he couldn't find his voice. He tried to speak three times and finally, on the forth " You look... so beautiful." Even in this lighting, he knew she blushed. " What is it you want, my dear? You know you are not supposed to be gazed upon by any man until the ceremony..."

" I came to ask you something, do you think that I am doing the right thing?"

He rocked on the ground, trying to think of what to say. It was as if this moment was the embodiment of all the fears he had, this was the defining moment of his life. " You should... follow your heart..." An old cliche, a way to run, but a good one.

" I love him, but I don't know... I just don't know if I am ready to spend the rest of eternity with him... Raidou, what should I do?" This last part she said with tears falling down her check. Her voice faltered and the noise that followed would have surely brought Lucifer to tears.

Something happened to Raidou then, something he could never explain. He could have implanted the seeds of doubt here, discreetly, and been blameless if they took root and grew, he could say he was merely speaking what was in his heart. Yet even during the time his brain was concocting this new idea, his mouth opened and spoke, without him wanting it to... " You love him, you and he are no longer 2, your one. That is the beauty and horror of true love, 2 people willingly die, they kill themselves for each other, and, in their place raising from their ashes, comes a new and better being, a being of one heart and one soul. This ceremony is a mere representation of what has already happened to both of you. You love my brother, and you cannot find a better man then he, you know this is right, so follow it..." These word were the most pointed and painful words his ears had ever heard and his mouth had ever spoken. And as if that wasn't bad enough, she threw herself on him, in a warm embrace and thanked him, over and over, and cried tears of joy on his shoulder. Those tears would hurt more than anything else, more then the very fires of hell.



In the end, the ceremony commenced and Raidou stood there, at his brother side. He managed to keep control of himself and accept his fate, albeit unfair, stoicly. He cried only once when she was reciting her vows to his brother, and the audience whispered among themselves, ' see what a good brother he is, he weeps with joy at their happiness,' for they did not understand.......