Chapter 4 - Haunting Memories
I hear the screams all the time. I haven't slept, just watched. It reminds me of something, standing here, outside her house. Someone else used to do it, but I can't remember who, exactly. Come to that, I can't remember much other than the screams and the way she looked as the flesh melted from her bones.
There are two hers. Names are too difficult, I just remember faces. There's the one who screamed, and there's the one who cried. I saw her crying, but she didn't see me. Too wrapped up in the monster who held her. Somehow, I know he's responsible for it all. He took the one who cried from me, and I think he's responsible for the one who screamed. She's gone, and I'll never get her back. The other one, I think she might belong to me again. I just have to do it right.
I think back on what I've seen. The one who cried left the store, and came here. She had the monster with her. She spent the night with him. I heard them, doing things, things I used to do with her, and it sickened me. That she could be like that with a corpse. They had visitors this morning. They were looking for me, but they didn't find me. I wanted them to just not see me, and they didn't. It made me smile.
I wonder why my back is so sore. Right in the middle of my back, it feels like I've been burned. It's his fault, the monster's. I don't know how he did it, but I know that everything bad in the world is his fault.
He leaves in the morning. After the others. I follow. As I do, I feel something trying to get into my mind. Something's crying about the horror of what I've seen. Something's trying to tell me that my thoughts are no longer my own, that something's taking over my mind. I quash such thoughts. They're trying to confuse me, trying to make me lose my purpose. I will not. I will be strong against the monster. First him, then the one who cries. The one who betrayed me, and the whole of humanity, by being with him.
*-*-*
I make it home, and I feel numb. That face brought back things I didn't even know I happened. They did more than just put a chip in me. Somehow, they fixed it so I didn't remember. At least, not until I saw her face.
How could they make me forget? I try to put it together, order it logically. I remember, after I escaped from the Initiative, I didn't know I'd been chipped. I tried to kill Willow, but the chip stopped me. But, I did know. Seeing that face, I remembered. I was strapped to a trolley. Bright lights. Operating theatre, I suppose. They opened my skull and put the chip in. No anaesthetic. They needed me to be conscious so they could measure my response to various stimuli.
She - Dawson - she didn't fit the chip. She wasn't the one with the knife or the drill. She was the one with the controls to it. She was the one who flipped the switches, turning on the pain, giving me pleasure. It worked both ways.
After they closed me up, they threw me into a cell, and experimented. Sent in a human, so I could attack. I was maddened with hunger, but when I attacked, my head exploded. The pain, so bad, I fell to the floor, clutching my head. When they were sure I was safe, they tried other experiments.
They left me in a room with a man. Human, although you'd hardly have known. So far gone with drink or drugs, I don't think he'd had a coherent thought in years. I knew what'd happen if I attacked, so, hungry as I was, I left him alone, keeping my distance, but even so, the smell was inescapable.
Then, there was a buzzing in my ear, and I saw, in my mind, what they wanted to do. I saw me, hitting him. I ignored the vision, and the pain hit. I don't know how many times I saw that vision, got hit with the pain, until I did it. I hit him. Then, the pleasure. After that, it got worse. Their suggestions became more and more barbaric. And, I know barbaric. I lived with Angelus.
I don't know how long it went on. After a while, I just did as I was told. Anything to stop the pain. Of course, it didn't help that I was starving. When they did feed me, there was something in the blood. I knew that from the first taste, but I got zapped if I didn't drink. So, I drank.
When the man was dead, they moved on. They brought my next victim to my cell. It was Buffy. Or, I thought it was. They'd gagged her, tied her up. I got my instructions, and I carried them out, all the time, my brain told me I shouldn't do it, that I loved her. And, all the time, there was nothing I could do. They were controlling me, by more than just the chip, I'm sure of it. The drugs took my ability to resist. I could only follow instructions. And I did. By this time, there was no pain, and no pleasure. I just did as I was told, completely unable to stop. There was just the vision, and my own actions bringing it to life. I don't know how long I visited horror upon her. I have no idea. When they'd finished with me, they allowed me to drink from her. I did, but one sip and I knew it wasn't Buffy, it wasn't even human. Even so, I had no choice but to drink her dry. As she died, she reverted to her own form. Geminar demon. Shape shifter. Don't know how they persuaded her to keep that form through everything I did to her. Suspect, the same way they made me do what I did.
I lie on my bed fully clothed. I'm trying to make sense of the memories. How? And, why can I only remember now? I take deep breaths, willing my panic and nausea to recede. Instead another memory assails me, and I lurch to the bathroom, and throw up in the toilet. It leaves me feeling clammy and shocked, and I go back to my bedroom and throw myself back down on the bed, willing the images to go.
I don't know how, but I manage to drift off to sleep. My last thought is the relief that I'll spend a little time without those memories.
I'm in a garden. It's like the one at home when I grew up. There are rose bushes surrounding the area, and the smell's glorious. Those days, roses actually smelled of roses. I look around, and she's there again. The glowing girl. Still, it makes a difference from Dawn haunting my dreams.
She's sitting on the grass, and she's got a pile of blown roses by her side, and she's patiently stripping the petals off them, and putting them into a jar.
"I'm going to make some rose water," she tells me, beckoning me to sit beside her.
I join her on the grass, lying back to feel the gentle sun on my face. It's not California sun, just the pleasant warmth of an English summer, maybe seventy-five degrees, certainly not more.
"They're cheating, you know."
I look at her in surprise.
"Who's cheating?"
"Those you have to defeat. They're trying to steal your mind, trying to keep you apart. You can't let them."
"Don't understand. And who do I have to defeat? You said, go back, keep Dawn safe. Been there, tried to do that. Didn't do much of a job, but I tried."
"Stubborn vampire," she growls. Then she giggles. "Well, not a vampire any more. But you're still stubborn. Listen. You did what I asked you to do. You kept Dawn safe, but the balance was upset. The Orb of Fire disintegrated before the Key was powerful enough to completely destroy its malign influence. Somewhere, it's hiding, growing, waiting for its chance. You must destroy what's left before it becomes too strong."
"But Dawn?"
"Dawn is happy. She's where she should be, waiting for her time on the earth to begin."
"She's really coming back?"
"Really."
I let that news sink in. There was a time I didn't need to hear good news so often before I believed it.
"So, who's cheating?"
"Those who want the evil of the Orb to destroy the earth."
"Who are they?"
"That's not clear at present. But, they're using humans as their agents. It may be the influence of the Orb, or it may be something else. Something caused you to remember things you didn't before."
It's like a physical pain. A wave of nausea joins it as the memory comes back.
"It wasn't you," she whispers.
"Bloody was," I snarl at her. "Just didn't remember before."
She holds out a hand, and strokes my temple. I shy away from the touch. I'm evil, and I don't deserve to be touched like that, with gentleness and care. Just like I don't deserve what happened last night. She puts her hand back, whispering, "Relax, William. Let it out; cry if you have to. Just remember, it wasn't her, and it wasn't you, not really."
The next thing I know is that the glowing child is holding me as I sob. I feel such an idiot, crying like this, but I can't stop.
"To them, it was just an experiment, the first step in a plan to try to turn creatures like you into perfect fighting machines. First, they stopped you hurting humans. Then, they wanted to control you, to make you kill where they wanted it, to terrify those who opposed them."
"How can I believe that?" I ask. "I've done other things, terrible things. Why not this too?"
"Because, you were controlled. Everything you did as a vampire was either for survival, or for love. Because that's who you are. You love with everything you are, and that's the part of you we need now. We need you to love. Harder still, we need you to accept love. Your role in this isn't over because the Key is gone. You're all but immortal, and that should give you an indication of how long we're going to need you."
I'm too shocked by the recent images in my mind to respond. I know, as soon as this dream's over, I'll come up with exactly the right answer to refute everything she's said, but it'll be too late.
Her hand's on my shoulder, gently reassuring, and I raise my head for a last look at the garden. Two magpies are frolicking in the centre of the lawn. It reminds me of the rhyme.
'One for Sorrow,
Two for Joy."
The image fades.
I wake to the sound of someone hammering on my door. I jump up, befuddled from the sudden wakening. I lurch to the door, and open it, to find Buffy outside. She's looking unsure, as if I'm not going to welcome her.
"Come in," I manage, standing back to let her enter. She comes in, and she looks so scared. Her eyes are red too. She's been crying again. I want to hold her, but the memories come back, and I freeze. Then I hear the explanation in my mind. They're cheating.
I see her, and guilt assails me again. "I'm sorry," I mumble.
She looks surprised. "I ran off, when you needed me. I'm sorry."
She's shaking her head. "No, I'm sorry," she replies.
Now I'm confused.
"I did do the whole self-pity bit when you left. Then, I realised. There was something going on. Something I didn't understand. You told me once; it isn't always about me. I should've made you tell me. You've always listened to me, I should've done the same thing."
"No, I can't … "
She's looking confused. "Can't what? Tell me? Why not?"
I'm silent, and I feel her confusion turning to anger. It's better. Anger, I can understand. It's what I deserve.
"Spike, you're scaring me. Tell me what's wrong."
I swallow convulsively. I'm not sure I can speak.
"Spike, tell me. You don't have the option to just not share. It doesn't work that way. You're scared, I can feel it. Why? What's got you so spooked? I need to know."
I suppose she does, at that. I motion for her to sit on a chair, and I sit at the opposite end of the room. She doesn't understand, but she soon will.
I take a couple of deep breaths, and I'm surprised at the shuddering in my chest as I do so. Slowly, haltingly, I stumble through the story. The memories. I describe what I did in detail, keeping myself detached from the story, 'cos if I don't, I won't be able to go on.
I can't look at her as I speak. I keep my eyes on my knees, or on the floor, anywhere but on her. As I get to the part where I describe what I did to her, or to someone I thought was her, I sense her moving. I know she's moving away, towards the door, leaving me forever.
At last, I'm silent. I can't say any more. I'm startled when I feel a hand on my chin. She's kneeling in front of me, raising my face. She's looking into my eyes, forcing me to hold her gaze.
"Spike," she whispers. "You have nothing to feel guilty about. You were being controlled. It wasn't you."
"Buffy, I'm dangerous. I did those things, to you, and … "
"You did things they forced you to do. They used the chip, and you don't have that any more. You're no more dangerous than you were before you remembered."
She's taking my hands in hers, and I'm shaking. I want to believe her. I want it so much.
"Spike, I love you. You've done things you regret, I know that. But, this time, you're the victim, just as much as those you were forced to hurt."
I can't help myself. I put my arms around her, pulling her head into my lap. Slowly, I relax. Once I realise how tense I was, I consciously relax muscles, feeling the ache that remains. We stay like that for some time. Gradually, anger replaces the fear and guilt. She's right. I was violated. The anger grows, and it makes me feel better. Powerful.
I raise my head, and look at her. I love her so much. "I think it was the chip," I tell her. "I think they used the chip to control me, but I'm not sure. It could have been something else. The drugs, memories, something. Promise me. If I ever hurt you, don't give me a second chance. Stop me. Please, promise me? Just in case it ever happens again."
Her initial expression is doubtful, as if she doesn't want to agree, but in the end, she nods. "I promise."
I look at her. So small, so powerful. So beautiful, so strong. She's my whole world. "You're amazing," I tell her.
"I seem to remember you said that once before," she smiles back at me.
I scan my memory for the occasion, and it comes back to me. We were lying under a carpet in my crypt. It was the closest we'd come to a real conversation. And, she didn't like my reasoning then.
"I didn't mean it like that, it's just, I thought you'd be so disgusted, you'd leave. I was so sure I'd lost you, forever this time. And, you're still here."
"Duh? Where else would I be? You've told me you won't leave. Now, I'm going to tell you something. You're stuck with me too. I'm not going anywhere, unless I can go with you."
I think back to when I last told her she was amazing. Then, I burned with love for her. So, why does my love then feel so insipid compared to what I feel now?
"Last time, I was wrong. You're not an animal."
"Well, still not sure I like the animal description, but you were right. I wasn't human then, and, what we did to each other was amazing. But, last night was better."
She needs me to agree with her, but how can she doubt how I feel?
"Last night was the most wonderful experience of my life," I reassure her. "I mean, Dawn, well I thought nothing'd ever make me smile again, but you did. You made me happier than I've ever been. I'm just sorry I couldn't put my own needs aside and do what was best for you. I should have left, let you sort out how you feel."
"You're what was best for me. I needed you last night like I've never needed anything or anyone. I don't know where we're going now, but I still need you."
"Me too," I whisper, kissing her forehead. "But, we should take this slowly. I mean, not rush into things. We need to do things together, other than shagging and fighting. 'Cos, if that' all we've got in common, it won't work."
She's nodding. Then she stops as something occurs to her. "I hope that doesn't mean I don't get to spend tonight with you, 'cos I'm not sure I'm ready to be alone yet."
"If you're not ready, Pet, then, I'll be glad to stay. Truth is, I'm not much for my own company right now either."
I glance at my watch, and I see it's about time for patrol. "Fancy a bit of violence?"
She grins at me. Yeah, my girl's always up for a bit of violence. She plants a kiss on my lips, then pulls away. I head for my own stash of weapons, and when we're both suitably equipped, we head out.
