Chapter 9 - Long-Awaited News

I spent the night unable to sleep, fury and frustration at my inactivity contributing equally to my insomnia. Close to sunrise, I must have finally achieved my goal, because the next thing I know it's late - almost noon. I get up, fully intending to start my search for Riley. I shower quickly, and dress for slaying. I rush downstairs, surprised that my stomach is telling me to eat. Normally, when I'm worried, the thought of food can make me nauseous, but this time, I find I'm ravenous.

I go into the kitchen, intent on finding something to assuage my hunger quickly, and I'm surprised to see Giles sitting there. He's got some notes in front of him that I recognise as the information we got before Dawn was taken from us. There's also a pad, and it's covered with Giles' indecipherable scrawl.

He looks up as I go in, almost cringing. It gives me a moment of guilt. I came close to doing violence to him last night because he wouldn't tell me where Riley was. It felt like he was in the way, and in my anger, I just wanted to remove the obstacles between me and Spike.

Somehow, today, the human traits within me have reasserted themselves. My goal is still to find Spike, and I've got no problem with the prospect of hurting Riley, but Giles is a different matter.

He's looking at me warily, so I try to show him I'm back to normal, or whatever is normal for a demon of my kind. "It's ok, Giles, you're safe."

"I didn't doubt it," he answers with that calm expression he has.

"I'm just going to grab something to eat, then I'm going to head out, try to find out what I can."

"By all means, Buffy, but first, there's something I need to discuss with you."

"No, Giles, nothing's more important than finding Spike."

"Not more important, perhaps, but I'd wager what I've got to tell you is as important. And, if you'll sit for a while, I'll take you to Riley, providing you promise to let me do the questioning, at least at first."

I can't imagine what could possibly be as important as getting Spike back, but if it'll save me time finding Riley, then I'm willing to sit for a while. I grab a bowl, fill it with some cereal, and drown it in milk. I pull up a stool opposite Giles, and between mouthfuls, I manage, "So, what's as important as Spike?"

"Well, I'll tell you in a moment, but first, I've had a call from the hospital, and they want to release Willow. It might be easier if she comes here. There's room for Willow and Jenna here, me too if you're willing to let me have the sofa, and I'd like to think Willow had some magical support for a while - something Jenna's much more suited to than I am."

"Sure, she can come here, you can have my room, too. I can always stay at Spike's flat."

He nods his acceptance of this. I'm surprised, because I'd thought that part of his being here was that he wanted to keep an eye on me too.

I'm looking expectantly at him, and he's staring back, looking as if he's trying to read something on my face. "Ok, Giles, what's so important?" I ask, refilling my cereal bowl, before starting to empty it again.

"Well, I had the results of the DNA tests this morning. I called, and …"

"So, how closely was Dawn related to me?" I demand.

"Closer than we thought. The test showed clearly a very close relationship. You share about half your DNA with her."

"That means she's really my sister, doesn't it? But how can that be?"

"It's one possible interpretation. The other is that she's your daughter."

He starts on other things then, I suppose he's giving me a chance to take in that fact. He thinks it's going to be a shock, but I realise I already knew. My hands are on my stomach, caressing the daughter I know is there. I hadn't gone so far as to put it into words, but I knew.

"It's fascinating, really. Your DNA's so close to being human, it's more as if you're some sort of new human than a demon. The differences are minute, perhaps you're just an evolved form."

"Dawn's my daughter," I murmur.

"Well, yes, it would seem so. Her father, is .."

"Spike," I finish for him.

He looks surprised at my certainty.

"Well, yes, it would appear so. But, it may not be for some time. We don't know what the future holds for the two of you."

He's noticed my hands at last, and he looks at me questioningly. "It makes sense," I tell him. "That's why Dawn was laughing. She knew. She knew that she'd be conceived that night. The same night she left."

He's looking a little shocked.

"The night Dawn left, we, well, we forgot Spike's not a vampire any more."

I wait for the disapproving expression or words. They don't come.

Instead he says, "Are you sure?"

"Well, I haven't done a test yet, but I am late, and yet, yes, I'm sure."

"I see." The words are accompanied by a deep sigh.

"This puts a different complexion on things. And, it explains Riley's insistence

that he had to kill you. If Riley's the reservoir of the last of the energy from the Orb of Fire, he's being compelled to destroy you. Not because of you, but because it wants to ensure that Dawn will never be born."

I can't think of what to say. I don't remember the detail of what was said last night. The only thought I had then was the need to pound Spike's whereabouts out of Riley.

"He was trying to kill me, then?"

"That's what he said. He said you'd be grateful that he'd got rid of Spike, or at least you would if he could let you live. Then, he moved so fast, it was as if he teleported. If Jenna hadn't stopped him .."

"If Jenna hadn't stopped me, Anya would be cleaning Riley's blood off the floor today."

"I'm not so sure, he's different. He's certainly faster, and he approached you as if he knew he could take you. And, remember, Riley knows how good you are."

"Wrong, Giles. Riley knew how good I was as a human. I'm not human any more."

He nods, and I know he realises. It doesn't matter how close my DNA is to being human. There's something in me that wasn't there before. Last year, I coped with it by hurting Spike. During the summer, I survived on believing that everything would get better, by trying harder with everything. It worked, but I don't know how long I could have kept it up. Recently, I've been learning how to cope with it by being with Spike, by loving him and letting him love me. Without him .. I'm not sure I even want to try. The fury at those who've taken him starts to rise. Before, they had taken the man I love. Now he's also the father of my unborn child, and that stirs an extra helping of anger into the mix. Giles must see something of my thoughts on my face. He knows what I'm planning, if not in detail, then in general outline.

"And, what about Dawn? If you are pregnant, you've got to think about her. She needs you like she never has before. And this time, there's no one else who can protect her. You're her mother, and your first priority must be to keep yourself safe, so that she's safe too."

I bring my fist down on the kitchen worktop, hard, jarring plates and cutlery. I know he's right, but .. I just feel so useless. The Initiative has got Spike again, and he's telling me I've got to look after myself. And, the worst part is, I know Spike would say the same thing.

"Ok," I agree. "If I'm pregnant, I'll need to rethink things. But, I'm not going to sit with my feet up. I've got to do something. And, you did promise we'd go and see Riley now."

"I did. I'll just call Jenna, and we'll go."

"Why Jenna?"

"Firstly, we need Jenna to remove the spell so we can actually talk to him. Then, if anything happens, Jenna can immobilise him again. I'm not sure what else could achieve that. Until we know more about what we're facing, I think we should go prepared."

He's right. He normally is, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I shrug. I need to find out what Riley knows. If need be, I can go and do some investigating on my own later. Anyway, I need to keep in with Giles until Jenna does her new spells. It just breaks my heart remembering how Spike was when he remembered Dawson, and what she made him do. The thought that he could be suffering like that again makes my blood boil.

*-*-*

They tried to do as before. They tried to strap me to a table, and open me up, see how I work, like I'm a bloody machine. I struggled, and, the restraints started to give. I thought I was going to get away, but they had a needle in my arm before I could do anything worthwhile, and now, all I've got are snatches. As the drug wears off, I become aware of what's happening, of pain, of parts of conversations, then there's a needle again, and I'm back in the dark.

Every time I sleep, I hear Dawn. She's telling me to be strong, to endure. She's telling me it won't be long, that I'll see her again soon.

The pain's all over. The words I hear don't make sense, at least not to me, not at first. I don't know how many cycles of sleeping and wakening I've been through. Slowly, it's becoming clearer. I think the time I'm out of it is getting shorter each time, because I hear the almost-panic in their voices, and instructions to increase the dose. Each time I'm aware, the pain is everywhere. It's on the surface, and it's bone deep. I don't know how it feels to move, because I haven't had the chance yet. Consciousness arrives before muscle control, and, each time, just as I'm feeling able to flex my arms, the needle returns. Time has no meaning. Dawn fills my dreams, and Buffy my waking thoughts. I have to endure, and to return to her. Nothing else matters.