Chapter 11 - Fear and Resolution

Giles didn't speak to me until we were back in his car. When we were both seated, and Jenna had climbed into the back, he put his keys in the ignition, then turned to face me.

"Thank you, Buffy."

"Why?"

"For your restraint. I know it wasn't easy."

I shrug. "Easier than you think."

He turns back to me in surprise.

"He's scared," I explain.

"Yes, he said he was."

"Giles, I don't mean he said he was scared. I could feel it. When Dawn .. was attacked, Spike knew because he could feel it. I realised I had felt it too, I just didn't understand then what it meant."

"You can feel fear from anyone?"

"Probably, but for most people, it's only if I'm close. I could feel Dawn's fear even when she wasn't. And, I've felt Spike's a couple of times. There's no hint that he's close, just that he's scared."

"But, you felt Riley's fear?"

I nod. The memory is almost enough to induce nausea. He's terrified. It almost makes his behaviour understandable. He's so scared he'll become a demon, he thinks he's failed while a single one walks the earth. And now, that fear includes me.

He pulls out onto the road. "So, what're your plans for today?"

"Keep on looking, asking, see if I can find anything. From what I've picked up, there haven't been any large-scale demon disappearances. I've tried everything I can think of, but I'm coming up with zero. What's the situation on the ingredients for Jenna's spell?"

"Well, Anya was going to order them first thing this morning. I've offered to collect if it'll speed things up - it's only a two-hour drive. I'll call in later and see what they said."

"So, Jenna," I ask, "what's so different about the new spells?"

"Well, one will track, not just where he is, but it should pick up evidence of where he has been. It should be possible to actually follow him from where he was last known to be."

"That should find him," I reply. I'm relieved. I have another thought. "What if they've flown him out of the country?"

"Well, it should still follow him, but it might be difficult for us to follow the trail unless we're also airborne. "

"Ok. You said spells? What's the other one do?"

"It's more sensitive, but otherwise similar to what I've already tried. It should be able to get through shielding, but it depends on the strength of the shield. If my coven was doing the shielding, it wouldn't work. It depends on the strength of the witch."

"You know what I can't figure?" I go on. "The Initiative using a witch. The people I met wouldn't have taken one seriously. I mean, electronic gizmos, yeah, they had all those, but magic?"

"Yes, I know, Buffy." Giles speaks without looking towards me. "But, if Riley really told him everything he knows, and, more importantly, if they've been watching us since, well, since the Initiative left, then they know how powerful a tool it can be. And, if they're in this to win, they'd be fools not to use it. And, I've never thought they were fools. Misguided? Certainly. Xenophobic? Quite probably."

"I wonder," I muse, as something occurs to me. "We know they tried some sort of brainwashing, or mind control or something on Spike. What if they did the same to their own people? The fear Riley's feeling, I don't think it's natural. I mean, I've been around lots of people who're afraid. It kinda goes with the territory. You rescue someone from being a vamp's next meal, you know the victim's afraid. I've felt it. But, what Riley's feeling, that's something else again."

Giles pulls in front of my house. "You may have something there, Buffy. I'll root around some contacts I have, and see if there's any information. I'm not hopeful, but you never know. Jenna and I are going to the hospital to see Willow. They want to discuss her discharge, and the sort of care she's going to need. Are you sure she can come here?"

"Yeah, there're three rooms. Two of them are ready, all they need is clean bed linen. The other room, well, I can clear the rest of the stuff into the basement, and then, it'll be ok. I mean, it's nothing special, but it'll be ok."

"Fine. I'll let you know when they plan to allow her home. And, I'll be in touch later anyway to let you know about the spell."

We say goodbyes, and I go inside. It's my home, but it doesn't feel like it any more.

There's not actually a lot I can do this early in the day anyway, so I spend some time doing the clearing out and bed changing that I promised. I also pack myself a bag of essentials. If I'm going to stay at Spike's, I need a few more changes than I'd already taken there.

The work actually helps. I mean, it's brainless, but it's physical, and it helps me get over the antsy feeling I've got that I should be out searching for Spike.

I haven't felt anything from him for a while, and the thought that he might be dead is pushing its way into my mind. I'm forcing it away. I can't really believe he could die without me feeling something. I can't explain it, I just feel sure I'd know.

I use the toilet before I leave, and I remember my decision to buy a pregnancy test. I'll do it on my way to Spike's and do the test there. It seems more appropriate somehow.

An hour later, I throw my things into Spike's room. It looks like we left it, just a couple of days ago. It's hard to believe he's gone, and I've no idea where he is. I'm tempted to lie on the bed, to feel him close to me, his smell, our smell still on the bedclothes, but I won't allow myself that comfort. I go into the bathroom to do the test, reading the instructions several times to make sure I can't make a mistake. It really does seem foolproof. But then, they never saw me in a Chem lab. For an instant, I wish Willow was here, but as soon as I think that, I realise I don't want her. There's only one person who should be sharing this with me, and he can't.

I've followed the instructions, now I've got to wait two minutes. I never knew two minutes could be so long. I know what the result's going to be, and yet my heart's hammering in my chest. It sounds like I've just done a strenuous round with Spike, whether fighting, or other .. activities.

At last, the time's up. I look at the window in the test stick.

*-*-*

I waken slowly, the pain which has even filtered into my dreams is still there. I look around, carefully. There's not a lot of light, but then, I don't need a lot. The first thing I realise, is I'm no longer restrained. That speeds up the waking process considerably, and I take a good look around.

That takes all of about two seconds. I've been in some boring rooms before, but this one takes the biscuit. There's nothing to see. The walls and the floor and the ceiling merge into one another. If I didn't know better, I'd say I was inside a sphere. I stretch out on the 'floor', and realise I was right. I'm inside a sphere. It's difficult to get a clear idea, but I try to estimate how big it is. Maybe twenty feet in diameter. There's no door of any kind that I can see, no windows, no bed, no furniture, no carpet, no nothing but me. I have no idea of where I am, or what the Initiative intends, other than to hurt me.

I take a look at myself. I'm dressed, after a fashion. I suppose you'd call what I'm wearing some sort of hospital gown. It stops above my knees, and it ties at the back. Not exactly my outfit of choice. Can't imagine anyone would choose to wear one. I give myself the once over. I've got scars and open wounds

all over. And, I mean, all over. It's like they were taking samples of every type of tissue they could.

I remember the last conversation I overheard. They were talking about samples. Why would they want samples of me? I have absolutely no idea, but I'm going to make it my job to try and find out. That's always assuming they don't simply leave me here to starve to death. I suppose it also assumes that they can actually let me out of here, 'cos, from where I'm sitting, there doesn't seem to be any way out.

My thoughts inevitably go to Buffy. Of all the times for me to be gone, this has got to be the worst. She's just lost Dawn, she's bereft, and I'm not there to look after her. Frustration fills me and I bring my fist down on the surface beside me. It's strangely yielding, but only to a point. Apart from the shape, it reminds me a bit of a padded cell. Now, that's a worrying prospect. Do they actually expect me to go mad?

I can feel Buffy suddenly. She's sad. Well, hardly surprising. I feel like she's trying to reach me, and I know she'll do it. I don't know how, but she will. Nothing stops my girl when she makes her mind up about something. If they think I'm going to give up under the pressure of being here, they've figured without me knowing Buffy's looking for me. And, they've chosen the wrong man. I mean, I survived life with Angelus. They can't do anything to match that. Purely physical pain could never match up to what he could do. And, while I know Buffy's looking for me, they can't touch me mentally. I feel myself grin. It's not a nice grin, I know that. I'm going to get through this, and whoever's responsible will suffer. And, top of the list is Dawson.