Chapter 15 - Sleeping Alone

I try to remember how I used to sleep without Spike. It hasn't been long, but I'm finding it all but impossible to find any rest without him. Of course, thinking about him, imagining what's being done to him, well, it's not designed to give a restful sleep.

Against Giles' advice, I patrolled tonight. There was nothing too worrying around, just the usual fledglings, but I took out my fury on them. I just had to get rid of the energy that's filling me, desperate to get out, desperate to mete out punishment to whoever's got Spike.

Of course, lying here like this, it's giving me time to think back. I don't want to do it, but I can't help it. It's slightly better than imagining them torturing Spike, but one alternative is memories of me torturing him. I did it every way it can be done. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I pulled him apart, and it's only recently I've had the chance to put him back together again, or at least to start doing it. Despite that, he loved me. Every time I hit him, every time I told him he was worthless, every time I broke his heart, he loved me anyway.

I'm the Chosen one, a warrior for good. How could I have treated him so badly?

I need him so much, his absence is like part of me is missing. It wasn't so long ago I realised how much he meant to me, and thought he couldn't still love me, but I was wrong. His love is something precious, something I need like I need oxygen.

My hands are on my stomach again. I wonder if it's something I've always done, but been unaware of, or if it's just since I've known I'm pregnant. I imagine the baby, tiny and unrecognisable if I remember High School biology. Of course, I really didn't think it'd ever be me, with a child growing inside me. I love her. I love her so much it scares me. She needs me. I feel a pang of guilt when I remember patrol. I took risks. No, nothing too major, there really wasn't anything out there which was a significant threat, but I could have staked them quickly, without pounding on them first.

I suppose it's the demon in me that makes me do it, makes me love the fight. Except I think I always did.

When I finished patrol, I went to Willy's. I've asked there before, but I had to do it again. I had to find out if anyone knows anything about demons disappearing, or has any clue where they might be taken. All I got were shoulders shrugging, and comments that one or two regulars hadn't come in for a while, but no one seemed to think it was too unusual.

I turn over, desperate to find a position that will allow me to sleep, but in doing so, I spot the clock. It'll be light in half an hour, and I know I've got to go to work. I've offered to do some of Spike's job while he's gone. It's funny. I suppose it's hellmouthy, but when I called the Principal to explain that Spike won't be coming to work for a while, he accepted it without question. He seemed surprised when I offered to do some security checks and keep up to date with some of the projects I know Spike's working on.

Of course, the last thing I want to do is go to work, but I've got no choice. If it was just me, I'd leave, spend all my time trying to find Spike, but I don't have that luxury, not any more. I've got to think about Zara. If .. I hate to even imagine it, but if Spike doesn't make it, I'm all she's got. I don't earn a lot, but it's enough to keep us fed and clothed, and maybe, if I sell the house, buy something smaller, I'll be able to get all the things she's going to need.

The prospect of Zara being born into a world without Spike causes my eyes to fill with tears. I won't let it happen. I don't know how I'm going to prevent it, but I'm determined it won't happen.

I wish I could talk to him, let him know I'm doing my best to find him, but I can't.

I open my eyes, and scan the room. Spike's room. It's still rather bare, almost like a hotel room with its lack of personal items. I don't suppose he's had much time to do any nesting.

The word nesting scrambles around in my brain. It's something I need to start considering. Not yet, it's too early, but the baby's going to need so much. And I want to share the choosing with Spike.

It occurs to me for the first time that I don't know how Spike's going to react to fatherhood. I mean, it's not something he's considered for a long time. He was angry with himself when he realised we'd been together without taking precautions, but he didn't give me any real indication of how he would feel if it happened, beyond feeling guilty about what it would do to me.

Despite that, I just know he's going to be happy about it. I remember the dream, the look of complete awe on his face as he looked at the baby. He seemed happy. If he's not, .. No, that's not a possibility. He's going to love her, all the more so because he already does.

I remember Giles agreeing to meet Xander and Jenna at the Magic Box early this morning, before Xander goes to work. I know I'm not going to sleep now, so I get up, shower quickly, and go into the kitchen to see if there's any food. Buying food on anything like a regular basis hasn't exactly been a high priority for either Spike or me recently. I'm relieved to find some eggs, so I boil two and eat them with some toast made from bread that's a little hard, but showing no signs of mould. Whatever else I do today, I've got to do some grocery shopping.

I arrive at the Magic Box before anyone else, so I use the key Giles gave me so I can train, and let myself in. I go out to the training room, but I decide to leave the punch bag alone. In some ways it'd do me good to spend some time on it, but in others, I'd only need to shower after, and I'm dressed for work, not training, so I close the door behind me as I go into the main shop.

I'm faced with Anya, looking irritated.

"Oh, it's you. I thought someone had broken in, and was stealing all my stock. You shouldn't frighten me like that," she chides.

I apologise, and turn to see Xander on her heals. It looks like they're mending their fences. I'm glad, for both of them. They were both so unhappy apart, but seeing them just makes me feel the lack of Spike even more.

Within minutes, Giles arrives with Jenna, and a box of doughnuts. I can't help myself, I've got to have one, even though I've already had breakfast. I've always had a good appetite, but this whole being pregnant thing seems to have put it up a notch. If I'm not careful, by the time the baby's due, I'll be huge.

We sit around the table, well, not Anya. She's much too busy making the store ready for opening to sit down, but I know she's listening.

"So, Giles, what's going on?" Xander asks.

"Well, I wanted to get together to let you know about Riley, and to discuss what we're going to do about him."

Xander's face darkens at the mention of the name, but he doesn't understand what's going on and says so.

Giles tells him, going through the details of his attempt on my life, and the information we gleaned from him before the energy started to take him over again. If there's something to be said for being brought up on a hellmouth, it's the fact that he doesn't once look as though he doesn't believe what he's being told. Well, unless you count the bit where he mentions that we're looking for a way to help him.

"I think we should just leave him as he is," he states. "If he's not a threat, he deserves what's happening to him, after what he did to Dawn."

"Xander," I butt in, "I would have said the same too a while ago, especially now we know the Initiative's got Spike, but there was something about him. When I think back, I suspect it was always there, but I didn't have the senses to really feel it. The others, in the Initiative, they had it too. They had a fear of demons that made them kinda crazy. I think that's why they see every thing so black and white. The fear that he'd become infected by a demon was completely overwhelming him. Like I said to Giles. I know fear. I feel it now, like another sense. I've rescued people who thought they were going to die, and I've felt their fear. What Riley was feeling the other night is so far beyond that, there's no way it could be natural."

"So, what are you suggesting?" he asks.

"Well," Giles goes on. "If we can't find Spike by any other means, maybe we can use Riley. I propose we all start to research a way to remove this energy from Riley. If we can do it in such a way that we can put it back if he dupes us, so much the better. I'm not saying I trust Riley, I'm just saying we're out of other options at the moment."

"So, any ideas? I mean, you've got to have something we can work on, right?" Xander's hopefulness is naïve, but almost heart-warming.

"Well, no, I'm afraid we haven't. Jenna's got her coven looking into their historical records, and we've got the books here. Between us, perhaps we'll .."

"Willow." It's a single word from Xander, but it gets our attention.

"Willow? I echo.

"Willow'll come up with something. She always does." His faith in her is undaunted.

"I'm not sure it's a good idea to get her involved in this," Giles advises. "We don't know how she's going to recover from her latest set back. What do you think, Jenna?"

"Well," the witch says after considering the question for a few seconds. "I'm inclined to agree with you, but for one thing."

"And that is?"

"I'm not sure we're going to have a choice."

Giles sighs, and Xander looks almost triumphant. I've got mixed feelings. I mean, regardless of everything else, Riley hates Spike. It's more than the whole 'demon hating' thing, too. With Spike, it's personal. The whole eggs fiasco proved that if nothing else. It wasn't enough for him to kill Spike, let's face it, Riley had opportunity enough. He had to destroy him, and making me think he'd decided to incubate a nest of demon eggs was pretty effective. I think he even expected me to stake him.

That memory reminds me of Spike's face when I told him it was over. His expression, even then, made me want to go to him, hold him. Walking out of his crypt that day is one of the hardest things I'd ever done, and it was all for nothing.

I return to the present, to find that the conversation's gone ahead. They're discussing Willow's imminent return from hospital.

" .. .. too soon. I told her, but she won't listen."

"I know, Xander," Giles replies. "But, you know Willow when she's made up her mind about something."

"Resolve face," I mutter.

"Well, yes," Giles agrees. "So, she'll be out of hospital tomorrow. I don't know how she thinks she's going to manage in that house, without her sight, but she's determined. They've offered to help with that, there're people who specialise in helping the newly blind acclimatise to their new way of life, but she's turned them down flat."

"Well," Xander begins, then stops.

"Well what?" I ask.

"When I went to see her yesterday, I'm pretty sure she could see."

Now, that's got our attention. "What do you mean? If there's been some change in her condition, they should have informed me, I'm down as her next of kin," Giles blusters.

"No, there's no change, I don't think. Look, it was Anya who made me see that I wasn't going mad, and I think she's right."

All eyes turn to Anya, who returns the look.

"Well," she states, in her best, 'you humans really don't know anything' voice. "Willow probably doesn't need her eyes to see. I mean, she's used them because she could. But, if they're damaged, she can probably see without them. It won't be the same, of course, and the detail seen varies from person to person, but I'm sure she can use her gift to see."

Giles turns his attention back to Xander.

"Xander, I think you'd better tell me what makes you think she can see."

Anya huffs at the way Giles has taken his attention away from her.

"Well, when I visited, she followed me round the room. I don't mean she got up and walked around, I mean, her head moved, so she was always looking towards me."

"She could probably hear you," I offer.

"That's what I thought at first," he counters. "But then, I tried to fool her, move quietly, but she always knew where I was. And then, two nurses came in, and she called them both by name."

"She must have known they were on shift," Giles suggests.

"No, she was surprised at one of them, but she had been asked to cover for someone else at the last minute."

"If you suspected something," Giles asks, "why didn't you mention it last night."

"Because it didn't make sense. It was only when I told Anya last night, and she suggested .."

All eyes flit back to the vengeance demon, who's now pointedly ignoring us.

"Anya," Giles calls.

"Oh, so you do want my opinion, then?" She bristles as she says the words. "I thought the opinion of a mere demon couldn't possibly be important enough."

Anya's words cut me, renewing the guilt I already feel for how I treated Spike. I get up and go to the counter. Her hands are on top of the unit, clenching the edge, and I grasp one in each of my own hands.

"I'm a demon too," I remind her.

She nods, relaxing a little.

"So, you think she's using, what, magic to allow her to 'see'?"

"It's been done before. There was a time, in some cultures, when babies would be blinded at birth to improve the development of the other sight. History has hundreds of examples of seers, and a disproportionate number of them were blind."

"Well," Giles says, taking off his glasses. "That changes things, I suppose. I'll see what I can discover when I visit her this morning."

"Meeting over?" Xander asks, getting up. "'Cos I've got a team starting a new job this morning, and I need to get over there and make sure everything's ready."

"And I'd better get to work," I add, following him.

"Yes, yes, that's everything." Giles' mind is obviously locked on Willow right now, and I suspect he's glad to be rid of us.

"Wanna ride, Buffy?" Xander asks, as he approaches Anya for a good bye kiss.

"Thanks," I say. "I've got a lot to do today, that'd be great."

"Buffy," Giles pulls his attention back to the present. "I know you're worried, but you've got to be careful not to get too tired. Did you sleep last night?"

"No, not much, " I admit.

"Well, don't take on too much at work. Jenna's going to get in touch with the coven later this morning, and if there's nothing hopeful there, then we'll broach the subject of Riley with Willow. We will get him back."

Giles' reassurance means a lot to me, and I run to him and give him a hug. He's really not sure what to do with that, but he returns it rather stiffly, before I disengage myself, and head for the door.

Once in Xander's car, I know he's got something to say. He keeps glancing at me as he drives, as if trying to gauge my mood.

"Out with it," I demand.

He has the grace to look sheepish.

"So, what have you got to say that you're afraid is going to make me hit you?"

"Well, Buff. I've been thinking. You know, about your news. That you're pregnant."

"And," I reply, trying to keep the edge of irritation out of my voice. I'm still waiting for the big Spike put-down.

"And, I just want you to know that I'll be there for you all the way."

I sigh with relief. I really don't feel like arguing with Xander right now.

"And you know," he continues, and I just know he's going to say something I don't want to hear.

"If.. if Spike doesn't make it, I'll be there for you. And, if he does, and, you know, doesn't want the .. responsibility."

The anger rises in me, but I do my best to keep my voice level.

"Stop the car."

"Buffy, I .."

"Stop the car."

He pulls into the kerb, and I go to get out, but he puts a hand on my arm.

"Buffy, you've got to admit it's a possibility. He's been a vampire for a century. It's not the ideal training for fatherhood."

Xander's words remind me of my own niggling doubt of earlier, but I realised it was stupid of me to doubt him.

"And remember what happened during that time. He looked after Dru - crazy Dru, staying with her, even when Angelus .. And then there's Dawn. He didn't know there was any link to him, but he cared for her, looked after her, loved her. When it comes to responsibility, I can't help thinking evil, undead Spike could teach some humans a thing or two."

I pull my arm out of Xander's grip, and get out of the car. I don't know what hurts more, the fact that Xander would think so little of Spike, or the fact that the same thought flashed through my mind. Spike loves our daughter. I know that. He loved her when she was an obnoxious teenager, and he'll love her as a baby.

I walk to school in record time, adrenaline fuelling my efforts. I just hope I don't get any sensitive types coming to me for counselling today, because I suspect I'll traumatise them if I don't manage to calm down