Chapter 16 - Sight

Another morning in the hospital. The problem with this place is there's too much time to think, too many questions, and no answers to be had.

When I woke to a world of darkness, I felt it was deserved. I knew I'd allowed the darkness to take me again, although the reasons weren't clear. It seemed fair that the world should be dark too.

Over the days since then, they've explained how I was injured, and how they're amazed at my recovery. Giles thinks it's the magic that's done it, working from the inside, so its effects were hidden until almost complete.

The doctors don't know about my eyes. They think they might recover over time, but I suspect that's only because I've defied all their experience so far.

Of course, the prospect of being blind terrified me at first. The first couple of days were like a nightmare, and it was all the worse for being deserved. Then things started to change. It crept up on me without my even realising it. Almost like it'd always been there, but I'd been so used to ignoring it, that I didn't know it was there. I can see people. I can't see the colour of their eyes or their hairstyle. I can't see what they're wearing or whether or not they're smiling. I can see how they feeling, only in crude terms just now, but I think there's a lot more information that I just need to understand. It's going to take some learning.

I don't know how far this new 'sight' of mine can reach, or what else it might be able to do. When I've tried to push the sense beyond the room I'm in, I tire quickly, but I don't know how much of that is simply because I need practice, or because I'm not as strong as usual.

I sense inanimate objects, but don't get a lot of information on what they are. I might be able to do more of that, but it's going to take time. Still, it should be enough to stop me tripping over things too much.

I haven't mentioned this new sense to anyone yet. I know, it's cowardly, but I'm scared of their reaction. If it's the magic, and I'm using it, they're going to be scared that I'm out of control again.

I've been allowed up to walk around the room, and apart from a bit of residual pain and a lot of stiffness, that's ok.

The one thing I've had to rely on others for is how I look. I know, after what I've done, allowing the darkness to take me, I don't deserve a pretty face, but it's something you get used to. Even back in High School days, before I was happy with my body, I was always glad that my face seemed good. Well, to me, anyway. And Tara. And everyone says it's fine. I can't feel any scarring, so I suppose I've got to believe them.

It's hard that I can't think of Tara without remembering what I've done in her memory. I tried to end the world once. The second time, I'm not so sure what happened. I know I started a fire, destroying everything I had left of Tara's, but I think there was more to it than that. It's like there's something in my mind, but it's behind a locked door, and I've lost the key. I think it's got something to do with Buffy's sister.

Now that's really weird. It seems there's this girl, and I knew her, cared for her, but she has no part in my memory at all. It gives me a little taster of how Tara must've felt when I meddled with her memory. It's hard not to hate myself for that, and the only thing that stops me is the knowledge that she forgave me.

I sense him coming before the door opens. Giles walks in, and I notice he's alone.

"Xander had to go to work," he explains.

"Yeah, he said."

"So, how are you feeling this morning?"

"Good. Really looking forward to getting home. The doctor's coming in a while, and if he gives the ok, I should be able to leave right away."

"That's fine. I can take you home. I've arranged with Buffy that Jenna and I will stay with you for a while, but you may need to consider moving to somewhere smaller."

"Why?"

"Well, in the short term, if you can't see, somewhere smaller might be easier."

There's a note to his voice that tells me he's fishing for information. Maybe I've not been so good at keeping secrets as I thought. I decide to ignore it, for now anyway.

"I'll be ok, Giles," I reassure. "But you said that as if there's another reason."

"Well, perhaps there is, but it's not my place to tell you."

"Oh," I reply, and I'm getting such mixed signals from Giles that I can't work out whether it's good news or bad. "So, any news on Spike?"

"Sadly, no. We tried some further spells, but there's no sign of him. We followed his trail, but it disappeared in the middle of nowhere."

I know I'm knitting my brows as I consider this. The spell they must have used to follow his trail is foolproof if you can get it to work. It's pretty advanced, though, and I've never tried it. Suppose I've never wanted to find someone that badly.

"So, how's Buffy?"

"She's coping, but I can't say she's coping well. I never thought I'd say this, but she needs him."

"I must admit it seems a bit odd to hear you saying that."

He smiles wryly at me. "Yes. After everything she went through with Angel, you'd think a vampire would be the last thing she'd need, but especially now.."

I thought he was going to go on, but he stopped. I suppose it's whatever it's not his place to tell.

"So, you got the sofa again?" I joke.

"At Buffy's? No. I er, I've got Buffy's room - the one you and .. you used to have. I've taken it because I can move out quickly if Buffy wants it back. You've got Buffy's old room, and Jenna's going to use Dawn's room."

"So, where's Buffy sleeping?"

"She's using Spike's flat. I think she's finding it easier to be there. I suspect she finds our concern for her a bit more than she can take."

There's silence then, until Giles glances at his watch. "Did the doctor give any indication of when he would be coming?"

"Eleven, I think."

"Oh."

I hear him getting up and moving around the room. Of course I can feel him too. He's a strange mixture of dependable logic and emotion. Emotionally, there's concern for Buffy, and some fear too.

"Riley tried to kill Buffy the other night."

I didn't see that one coming.

"Because she's not human any more?" It's the only thing that makes sense to me.

"No, oddly enough. I don't think he knew that. No. You know what I told you about when Dawn left. The fact that it happened too soon?"

"Yeah, so there would've been some energy left over."

"Exactly. Anyway, I believe, that energy, or at least some of it, took refuge in Riley Finn."

"And?"

"And that energy seems to want Buffy dead."

"Why? Revenge? It's energy, surely it's not intelligent."

"Well, it almost seemed that way. But, no, it's not revenge. You see, we think that Dawn was sent from the future. She's still to be born, and so Buffy and Spike still have to keep her safe. If she dies before the time comes for her to travel back in time, she won't be able to become the Key, and it's possible Glory will find the energy and release it, as she planned. How that will affect the Orb energy is anybody's guess, but I can't help but think we won't care very much by then."

"So it's trying to rewrite history?"

"It looks that way."

"So, what about Riley?"

"Jenna has him incapacitated. He's terrified of the energy that's forcing him to do things. We managed to talk to him without his 'visitor' for a while, and he's offered to help us get Spike back if we can remove it."

"Has Jenna got any ideas?" I ask, a glimmer of an idea in my head.

"No. The coven seems to have come up blank too. If you felt up to it, do you think you could consider researching a solution? When you get home, of course."

He stops short, and I feel his regret. "I'm sorry, Willow. I forgot. You .. you won't be able to read, at least not without translation into Braille or something."

"There are other ways to research," I point out. "Look, I can't read a book, but it should be possible to come up with a simple spell to read for me. I'm not sure how to get around some of the details, but I'm sure Jenna will be able to help."

"Oh, really?" Giles sounds much brighter.

I can't see him, but I know he's cleaning his glasses. That normally means he's working out how to say something.

"Willow," he begins. "When Xander was here yesterday, he got the impression you could see."

"Well, I can't." I move my hand in front of my sightless eyes to prove the point.

"No, Willow, not with your eyes, with your magic."

Now, either Xander's a lot cleverer than he's seemed, or he's had help with that. Anya, of course.

"Well, I can't see, exactly .."

There's no point in lying. I explain what I've discovered of this side-effect of my blindness. He listens patiently, and to my relief, there's no increase in the fear that's part of him. The longer he's been here, the clearer it's been that the fear isn't for himself, but for others.

"Well," he continues when I finish my explanation. "That's interesting. We should find out exactly what you can do with this sight."

I sense someone else approaching, and turn my head towards the door. It doesn't change what I can perceive, but it's habit. Giles catches the gesture, and turns too, to see the doctor coming in, followed by a nurse.

"I'll leave you for a moment," Giles offers, heading towards the door.

"Thank you Mr. Giles. I shouldn't be long, and when I'm finished, you can take Miss Rosenberg home."

*-*-*

I wait outside, and get down to some thinking. Certainly there's no hint of darkness about Willow. I am concerned at the way her magic seems to be acting without her control. The healing, well, it's unprecedented. That she could do that without conscious thought is amazing, and not a little disturbing. Now there's this sight of hers. Of course, I don't know how much of that is unintentional.

Jenna is hopeful that without any further intervention, Willow will be able to return to normal, or as near as she can. There's still the possibility that she can be used as a weapon, and we've got to try to find a way round that.

I'm hoping Jenna can stay for a while. Willow needs her help, and she needs female companionship - not in a sexual sense, I mean, .. With Dawn gone, and Buffy wrapped up in the search for Spike, and the baby of course, she's not going to have much time for Willow. There's Anya, of course, but I can't see that working. Anya's become a strange mixture since she reverted to being a demon. On one hand, she's proud of her status, and will challenge any suggestion that she's less than human. On the other, she's sure that's exactly what we do think, and I can see it's tearing her apart.

I wonder at Xander. Remembering how vehement he's always been about the evil of demons, it's hard to reconcile them being together. I wonder how he's done it. I've tried to talk to him, but he's, well, giddy. He seems giddy at the fact that Anya's giving him another chance, but I also sense he's walking a tightrope. One false step, and Anya'll be out of his life forever.

The door to Willow's room opens, and the doctor approaches.

"Miss Rosenberg is just going to get dressed, and then she'll be ready."

"Thank you," I answer.

He's hovering, and I know he wants to say more.

"I really would like to write up Miss Rosenberg's case, but she's told me she'd rather I didn't."

"Then, I've got to say you should respect her wishes."

"I was hoping, you could persuade her to change her mind."

"That shows how little you know your patient. I really don't think her mind can be changed once she's decided something like this, and I've got to say that I support her decision. She needs to put this behind her, and get on with the rest of her life."

"I see," he replies, disappointment evident in his voice. "This case is so unique, but, naturally, I'll abide by her wishes."

He shakes my hand, and leaves, just as Willow's door opens, and a nurse beckons me in.

Willow's standing beside her bed. Her stance is a little stiff, but she looks remarkably well.

"Ok, Willow, you've got your pain medication?" she asks.

Willow smiles back, gesturing to her bag. "Check."

"And you've got an appointment for a check up in a week."

"Got it."

"We can decide then if you need anything further. Right, then, off you go."

She takes Willow's arm and leads her to a waiting wheelchair. I can see from the expression on Willow's face that she's not happy about that, but she's resigned.

With visible relief, Willow gets out of the chair and into my waiting car. She's moving stiffly, but shows no obvious sign of pain, but I suspect she's not going to let me see that anyway.

"I expect Xander'll be round after work," I say in an attempt to start a conversation. I wonder when I started finding it difficult to spend time with Willow. Even after the first time, when she tried to end the world, I could talk to her. We spent a lot of time together while we were in England, and for the most part I found her good company. Of course, she's intelligent. Sometimes I think that's part of her trouble. She's driven to achieve. I suppose it's her background. She has a good deal of intelligence, and she's been largely neglected by her parents. Probably the only way she could get any attention from them was to excel academically.

Then she took up magic, and of course, she had to put everything she had into it. In that case, it wasn't her parents' approval she wanted, it was Buffy's. Well, perhaps not Buffy's approval, but she certainly wanted to feel she was contributing to the Slaying effort.

"It'll be good to see him," she answers. "Of course, I've seen him most days since I woke up anyway. He's a good friend. I'm glad he and Anya are working things out."

"Yes, he certainly seems happier."

When I glance at her, I notice her eyes are closed. She seems intent on something, possibly she's trying out her new senses outside of the hospital for the first time. I decide to concentrate on driving and leave her to her own explorations.

When we pull up outside the house, she immediately opens the door and gets out. I run round to help her, only to have her bat my arm away impatiently.

"I know where I am," she insists.

I stay close to her as she walks up the path towards the front door. She's certainly chosen the right route, but I'm hovering close just in case.

I open the door with the key from my pocket, and we go inside. She walks straight into the lounge, and finds the sofa easily. She sits down with visible relief, and pulls her feet up.

"That was tiring," she comments. "But pretty successful. I'm gonna have to take things easy for a while, but I think it's going to work"

"Willow, maybe if it tires you that much you shouldn't use this sight." I'm concerned, because she really does look tired.

"Giles, the doctor told me it'd be a while before I got back to full strength. He said I'd tire easily, and I think I'm as much tired by the short walk as I am from the other thing. I'll be fine, I promise I won't do too much."

"Good," I reply. "I've got to call Jenna, let her know you're home. Once Xander gets here this evening, I'll go and bring over Jenna's things, and she can move in properly."

She nods, but I can see that she's sleepy. I leave the room quietly, hoping that she'll rest if she needs it.

When I get back from the call, she's asleep. I pop out to the car to retrieve some books, and I set myself up in the dining room to do some serious reading. Something I came across the other day hints that the spells used to take the Key energy and put it into Dawn came from a particular text. I don't have a copy of that, and I've sent out requests to everyone I know who might. What I do have are a number of texts which refer to it, and I'm going to comb through them. There might be some indications of the type of spell needed, even if there are not enough details to actually perform it. I refuse to consider the fact that we have no idea how to make a receptacle for this energy. We can only proceed one step at a time, and hope that we succeed.