Another chapter, and I'm already hard at work on 19, so hopefully it won't take too long.

If you're interested, the other fic that I mentioned when I posted chapter 17, has now been started. Three chapters of 'Seeking Vengeance' are up at my site – see my profile for the address. I don't understand it, but whenever I try to put the address here, it doesn't load. Sorry.

As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated.

Chapter 18 - Ideas

It's been over two weeks since .. since Spike. It's so hard to stay focussed on anything other than hatred for those who took him. Giles has been nagging at me, persuading me to make an appointment for a check-up, and I eventually agreed. It's not that I don't care about the baby, nothing could be further from the truth. It's just that I know she's ok, and I don't know the same about her father. But, I'm going this afternoon, on my way now. I've insisted on going alone, even though I know Xander's more than willing to come, and Giles would certainly come if I asked, if with rather more embarrassment.

I suppose I'd have thought of Willow in the past, too, but I haven't asked. I know it's not entirely fair of me, but I can't just forget what she tried to do to Dawn. Surprisingly, her health isn't a problem. She seems amazingly well, and her lack of vision is only a minor disability with her new-found talent.

We took her to see Riley last night. She's been busy with books since she got home. Jenna and she managed to rig a spell that would allow books to effectively read themselves to her, without invoking any words of power there happened to be on the pages. I know she thinks she's on to something, because she's getting so excited, but she's not ready to share it with me, not yet.

Giles got hold of some information from Budapest, purportedly from a brotherhood associated with those who placed the Key energy into Dawn, and he's been busy getting it translated, and then Willow's been doing the interpreting, with help from Jenna.

Jenna, now, there's someone who's difficult to read. She's been remarkably supportive of Willow since she came out of hospital, but you just know that she's waiting for the first sign that there's a problem. It's the way she watches her, her eyes half-closed in concentration. And, I know Willow treats the other witch with a respect I've rarely seen of late.

Willow didn't say anything when we went to the mansion. Having said that, there wasn't a lot of sense made at all, because Riley was much less coherent than before. Jenna had to modify the original spell when it became obvious that it would have to be in effect for days or weeks rather than hours. She's now added some sort of stasis, where Riley's body doesn't feel time passing. The alternative would have been to release him several times a day to eat and visit the rest room - not really an option under the circumstances. Whether because of the change in spell, or some other factor, it seems as though the energy within Riley is gradually increasing in strength. Giles says he's seen less and less of Riley with every visit he's made. I've only gone twice, and Giles hasn't complained. I think he knows it's getting harder not to just lash out at anyone or anything who bears any responsibility for Spike being taken.

When we got back, Willow refused to share what she'd seen. She said she wanted to talk to Jenna in private before she shared her thoughts with the rest of us.

It was creepy, though, watching Willow watching Riley. To know there's no sight in her eyes, that they're useless, and yet she watched him so closely, seeing something that didn't have a lot to do with what the rest of us could see.

I patrolled after we left the mansion. Giles came too. I think he's scared I'm going to be taking chances, and thinks I'll behave if he's there. Truth is, I'm being careful. This baby means so much to me, for so many reasons.

It was quiet, though. Sunnydale has been quiet - almost too quiet. It's as though there's something bigger and badder than the usual keeping the other evil in check. Now, there's a worrying thought.

Of course, there's Riley's crew. He says they're not called the Initiative any more, but the rest of what he said was too garbled for us to make much of it.

It's hard to understand how I once thought he was the answer to my dreams. I mean, after Angel, I so wanted normality. I wanted a man, a human man, who could love me and accept me for what I am. I thought Riley was what I needed. But, he couldn't accept me, not really. He was so insecure in the relationship that even my mother having a potentially fatal illness wasn't as important to him as whether or not he was central to things. The funny thing was, he almost made me believe it was my fault.

I was right in one respect. I do need someone who can accept everything that I am. I'm not perfect, I know that. Angel thought I was, or at least he thought I was heading that way, once I'd grown up. But he wanted me to grow up without losing the innocence that goes with childhood. He couldn't see that simply becoming the Slayer kills that innocence.

Riley knew I wasn't perfect, but he was trying to mould me to his image of perfection. Of course, that was never going to happen. I don't know how things are done in Iowa, but there's no way I'd ever allow my life partner to sublime all my hopes, dreams and ambitions so that they didn't interfere with his. I think that's what Riley hoped would happen. That, sooner or later, I'd give up 'all that nonsense' of being the Slayer, and go into some sort of retirement so that I could bring up an army of Finns while he continued doing the important work.

With Spike, I've got the chance of a lifetime. I know that, but to appreciate that chance, I've got to get him out of wherever he is.

Walking through the sunlit streets of Sunnydale is something of an occasion for me. I spend so much time doing this very thing in the dark, it's surprising how different everything looks. I'm noticing things for the first time - attempts by those who share this town with me, to block out the darkness that we all know surrounds us, even though few will admit it.

I arrive at the doctor's office and go inside to introduce myself to the receptionist. I'm advised that the doctor will be a few moments and shown to a seat.

The recommendation for the doctor came from Anya. The truth is, I came close to asking Anya to come with me today. I know Spike would approve too - that he'd consider her acceptable in his absence, but I'm not ready to share any of this with anyone but him, not if I can help it.

It seems Anya did more than just plan a wedding last year. She'd gone further, researching things like doctors and services for when she became pregnant, even going so far as to investigate an infertility clinic just in case it turned out that in her newly human state she wasn't actually able to conceive. It seems this doctor is known in the demon community as being a little more tolerant than most of his patients being other than completely human. She also has a large purely human patient base, I'm assured. Her name is Dr. Chan.

I've been sitting for a few moments when I'm beckoned into the doctor's office. The first thing that hits me about her is that she's actually smaller than I am. I don't mean she's in any way odd, but she's actually shorter than I am. Of course, her shoes are rather more sensible than mine, but even barefoot, I think I could give her half an inch.

She smiles broadly at me as she beckons me in.

"You're alone?" she asks.

"Yes, my .. the father can't be here, and I don't want to share things with anyone else."

"I see, I see. You expect him to be a part of the baby's life, then?"

"Yes, I do."

As I say the words, I think the other half of that same thought. 'If he's alive', but I daren't say the words.

"Good, good," she replies, but I almost get the feeling she understood more from what I said than I intended to give.

She does a full raft of tests, from height and weight to blood pressure and blood tests, to things I don't quite understand.

"Well, Miss Summers," she concludes. "You and the baby seem to be in exceptional health. Although, I do think, looking at your eyes, that you could do with some more sleep, am I right?"

"Yes," I admit. Sleep hasn't been any easier the longer it's been since Spike was taken. I had to change the bed linen eventually, and with that I lost the scent of Spike which had helped a little. I promise to take things easy, and she agrees to get in touch with the blood test results when they come back.

I feel better as I head for the Magic Box. Anya insisted that I go there after my appointment. She seemed to understand my wish to do this alone, but she also wants to be part of this 'adventure' as she calls it. I think she really liked the idea of motherhood before, when she was planning to marry Xander. Of course, now she's no longer human, she doesn't think it's a possibility.

The interesting thing about the new Xander/Anya relationship is that she tells me she's a long way from letting him move in with her. She admits they got physical faster than she'd anticipated, but that was another side-effect of losing Dawn. It seems Spike and I weren't the only ones needing physical comfort that night. Of course, having re-initiated the physical side of their relationship, Anya sees no reason to go without her much talked-about orgasms, but she's adamant that everything else between them should go slowly.

Xander seems happy too, but I'm not sure how much of Anya's reasoning he understands. He seems to believe that because he's once again welcome in her bed, that the relationship is pretty much back where it was, but it isn't. Still, I haven't said anything. I've had my fill of him telling me how to run my love life, and I think he's a big enough boy to look after himself now.

Once at the shop, Anya's as welcoming as she has been recently. Her enthusiasm is infectious, almost enough to take the edge off my sorrow and concern for Spike. I know she's itching to help me get things ready for the baby, but I've explained that I want to do that with Spike. She nodded her head rather sadly when I told her, and I saw the difference between this Anya and the one from before the wedding fiasco. The old Anya would have said outright that she didn't think Spike was coming back. The new Anya didn't say the words, but her face can't lie. It's what she thinks, and she gripped my hands a little tighter in an unconscious gesture of support.

The phone rings, and I look around the shelves as Anya answers it.

"Yes, she's here, Rupert. Do you want to talk to her?"

I look over realising she's gesturing for me to take the phone from her.

"Hey, Giles, what's up?"

"Can you come over this evening?" he asks. "Willow and Jenna think they've come up with a way to release Riley from the Orb energy."

"Yeah, sure, I'll be there. When?"

"I'd suggest around seven, if that's ok."

"Sure," I reply before handing the phone back to Anya.

I know it's a big step, but I can't help but feel a little more hope than I did before. I don't know if we can even trust Riley, but at the moment he's all we've got.