Chapter 19 - Risks

It seems funny walking up to my own front door. It's not so long ago it was home, but it doesn't feel like it any more. I'm so overcome with the feeling that I almost knock, but then change my mind. Instead, I open the door and walk in. For an instant, I find I'm listening for Dawn yelling her welcome from upstairs. That's one of the reasons I decided to go stay at Spike's. There aren't any memories of Dawn there. This house is full of them.

I shake off the ghosts, not only of Dawn, but of Mom, too, and head into the lounge where I can hear voices.

Willow's sitting on one side, with Jenna sitting opposite. Giles occupies a chair close to Willow, and I sit next to Jenna on the sofa. A few moments later, Xander arrives, with Anya, and they take seats, although I notice that Anya makes sure to sit where Xander can't get too close. He looks lost for a second before sitting on the third seat of the sofa.

"So, what's the news from the wiccans?" Xander asks.

"Willow thinks she has an idea. Some of it looks good, but the rest, well, I have some concerns. It'd probably be best if I let Willow explain," Jenna tells us.

Willow's looking on top form. The redness in her exposed skin has faded dramatically since she's been home, and it's obvious that she'll soon look as she did.

"Well, the information Giles got looks good. I think we'll be able to use a spell very close to what the monks used to put the Key energy into Dawn to take it from Riley. Jenna's quite ok with that too, aren't you?"

All eyes flick to Jenna and she nods.

"So, the difficult part is what we do with the energy. I know Jenna and the coven had been considering various mystical receptacles, but they haven't found anything."

There's another nod from Jenna, this time accompanied by pursed lips.

"Well, you know what happened to me. I mean, I don't remember a lot of it, but I know Jenna explained it to me. Something happened to me, before the fire. I've got a reservoir for mystical energy inside me, that's bigger than she's seen before. She tried to fill it up with something to make sure I can't take on dark magic again, but there's still a lot of room left."

I can see where this is going, and I don't like it. Before I can even move to complain, Willow holds up a hand. "Buffy, just wait, please. There's more, and all I'm asking is that you listen."

"Ok, so I had a good look at Riley last night. Funny thing is, I wouldn't have known it was Riley if you hadn't told me, because all I could see was the energy. It's purply and it's evil. But, and this is the important thing, it's not too big, at least not right now. I think I can take on enough earth energy, earth magic, to neutralise it, and then take the orb energy. When they get together, they'll cancel out, and it'll be gone. Poof, just like that."

She stops, knowing that our attention has transferred to Jenna.

"What do you think?" Giles' voice is quiet, but it's obvious he's concerned.

"Well, I'm reasonably confident about the spell," she begins. "And, I'm sure that Willow could contain the Orb energy. The problem is that I don't 'see' the energy the way Willow can. I've got no way to estimate the size of the problem, and therefore no way to work out how much earth energy would be needed to neutralise it. And, particularly, if there's an element of intelligence inherent in the energy, we don't know how it will react. As I understand it, when the Orb was breached, all of it didn't go towards the Key. Some of it infected this Riley. Now, did it have some knowledge of how strong the Key was, and knew exactly how much was available for elsewhere? Because if so, we're going to have to swamp it with so much earth energy that there's no possibility of the same thing happening again. The last thing we need is for someone present at the time to be similarly infected."

"But, what about Willow?" Xander voices his concern.

"I think I'll be ok," she reassures.

"But we don't know that," Jenna adds.

"And apart from the danger to Willow, there's the possibility that we would simply release Riley from the energy to have it entrap Willow. While Riley can be restrained, I wouldn't like to have to restrain her. I'm not even sure I could if it became necessary."

"It'd certainly be a lot more difficult," Willow agrees. "But it's not going to happen. I can do this, I know I can."

"I don't doubt you can do it, Willow," Giles' voice is soft, but steely. "But the level of control needed is such that, there is just too much chance of something going wrong."

I haven't spoken during the exchange. I feel as if my only chance of getting Spike back is slipping away.

"So, what do we do?" I ask. "Because Spike's still in trouble. I need to get him back, and I'm not going to stop until I've done that. Is there some way we can modify this plan to make it an acceptable risk?"

"As far as I'm concerned, the risk is already acceptable," Willow counters.

"No, Willow." Xander is annoyed, and it's obvious from his stance. "No matter how much Spike has changed, there's no way I'm going to stand for us risking you to save him."

"That's not your decision," Willow reminds him.

"Maybe not, but surely no one here could agree to it." He looks at me accusingly as he speaks. He's waiting for me to back down.

"Xander, I know you don't like Spike. You never have. But, if we don't get him back, .."

The mixture of rage and fear that's engulfing me has made it impossible for me to finish that thought.

"We don't need Spike. You don't need Spike. We'll help you, the rest of us. And when we find another way to free Riley from the energy, he'll help too. He still cares about you, you know that."

"Xander," Anya intercedes. "Be quiet. Of course Buffy needs Spike, and so does the baby. And I wouldn't be at all surprised if you didn't find him useful to have around in the end. It's back to our old problem. You can't cope with any man having a role in Buffy's life that's more important than yours. That's been your problem all along. Now, I agree that we should find ways to minimise the danger to Willow, but we've got to go with this plan. And if you're too short-sighted to see that, then you'd better go home tonight, because I don't want you with me."

Xander's mouth is open in disbelief. He's looking around dumbfounded, waiting for someone to contradict her, but it's not happening.

"I'm not sure I would have put it that way," Giles interrupts, "But, I have to agree to some extent. The information we have points clearly to Spike being important. I don't want to sacrifice or take any unreasonable risks with Willow, but we've got to do something. Given this basis, we may be able to come up with some sort of safeguard. I suggest we research some more, and see what we can come up with."

"I've been out of the loop a bit," admits Anya. "But, this energy that's needed to counter the Orb energy. Can you describe it a bit better? Because, there are sources of energy I could get access to, you know, if it was important?"

"I'm not staying here to listen to you finding a way to destroy my oldest friend," Xander warns, standing up to leave.

"Xander," Willow stands and approaches him. "I'm not looking to be a martyr here. I'm not going to do anything I can't handle. Don't you believe that?"

"No, Willow, I don't. Not any more. There's been so much recently, and I'm not sure you can handle this sort of power any more. I'm not going to help you to do this, and I'm not sure I can be around to pick up the pieces any more, either."

He walks out of the door, leaving Anya looking irritated, and Willow unbelievably sad.

Anya approaches Willow, and the two talk softly for a few moments. When they finish, Anya nods her understanding, the she comes to sit beside me. She puts an arm around my shoulders, but it's too much for me. She's the only one who's offered that sort of support since Spike was taken, and when I think about how I used to treat her, I'm ashamed. For so long, she was Xander's girlfriend, and as such, she was tolerated. Her strange ways were irritating, and her habit of discussing her sexual experiences embarrassing. I never spotted what was under that - the genuine warmth and caring that underlies all the idiosyncrasies.

I hide my face in her shoulder, trying to breathe deeply and regain control. I'm the Slayer. I'm not supposed to crumble under pressure. I've got to stay strong for the rest of them, but I feel anything but strong.

I slowly become aware of Giles. He's fidgeting, embarrassed by the emotional display. Willow doesn't seem to have moved. I lift my head to see her watching me with concern on her face.

Anya sits back and takes a look around the room. "I'm going to go and see what I can find," she announces. "If I find some sort of neutralising energy that's likely to work better than simple earth energy, I'll find a way to bring it back."

With that, she stands up, and without any dramatic gesture, she disappears.

"I'd do it now, you know," Willow reminds me.

I know she means it as a consolation to me. I don't know how much she's worked out about what happened before the fire, but if she can feel what I'm feeling, she knows that I don't trust her as I once did. I get up and walk towards her, leaning in to give her a hug.

"I know, Willow. And I don't want to waste any time getting Spike back, but if there's some way to increase the chance of success, we've got to take it, so we'll wait for a while, ok?"

She nods, and gives me a shy smile that's reminiscent of the Willow I first knew - the one who couldn't believe that someone who Cordelia Chase spoke to would also speak to her. She's come so far since then, but in so many ways, she's exactly the same. She's still basically insecure inside, all the confidence and arrogance that she's showed over the past couple of years are just a cover for the insecurities she's always felt.

I want to put everything that's happened between us aside, and go back to the way things were. It'll never happen, though, because we're both different. She's lost Tara, and I've got Spike and a baby on the way. Things might never go back, but maybe we've got the chance to build a new sort of friendship. I don't know, but I do know I've got to try.