Chapter 26 - Coming Home

I'm home. It doesn't seem like it, but it's home. Giles, well, he organised everybody after Willow's idea was successful. Riley's going to stay with him, so he's going back to the apartment he and Willow used when they first came back from England. And then there was the fact that he didn't want me to be left alone with an incapacitated Spike. So, he's vacated my room, and Spike's in my bed. There's been no change in him yet. I fed him again a while ago, so I'm hoping. Hope, it's all I've got left.

Of course there were mutterings before we left. Riley wasn't happy about Spike being in my house, but, surprise surprise, Xander put him straight. I think he's finally coming to accept that I love Spike.

Then there was the obligatory warning from Giles. You know how he does it, when he pulls himself up to his full height and goes all Ripper. He told Riley that at the first sign of any double-dealing, he'd do his best to get him transported to the world where the energy is now probably free. Pale as he was, Riley blanched at that.

Rebecca has taken Jacob home. She's promised to return soon, but wanted to get Jacob's injuries tended by someone who actually understands his anatomy, and I can't blame her. She seems determined to be involved in destroying the so-called Defenders. I want that too, but first I want Spike back. Completely back.

Once we were alone, I pulled off the clothes he was wearing. I know he's never had much variety in what he wears, but he's always cared about his appearance. The clothes he had on were wrinkled and spotted and very un-Spike-like. I was going to dress him again, he'd left a pair of jeans here, but it just seemed like hard work. I mean, those jeans are skin-tight. So I decided to leave him as he was, naked in my bed. At least he looks comfortable.

I leave him for long enough to shower, my ears trained towards him the whole time. I need to sleep. It's been so hard to sleep without him, I'm hoping that just having him close will give me the rest I need so I can do whatever he needs me to do.

I dry myself off, leaving a towel around my body. I wonder why. I mean, the bathroom leads directly to the bedroom, and .. It's just, it feels strange being naked and seeing no reaction from him. There was always a reaction. At the very least there was that raised eyebrow, but more often the tongue on the teeth, and maybe a comment. And that's assuming he was dressed. If he wasn't, the reaction would have been rather more visible.

I brush my hair, untangling it, but don't bother to dry it. I just want to be close to him again, to feel his body close to mine. I put the towel back in the bathroom switch, out the light, and climb in beside him.

There are sounds of movement from Willow and Jenna, but I hardly notice beyond registering that we're not alone. I hear a deep sigh that's almost a moan, and start before realising it's me. Just being close to him like this .. it's like I've come home after a long absence. I try to work out how long it is since I've lain with him like this, but my befuddled brain can't work it out. Math was never my strong point, anyway.

It's funny, lying with him like this. Normally, this proximity would ignite a fire between us, but it's missing, because, apart from his body, Spike's missing. There's an overwhelming feeling of comfort, of home, but the arousal I would normally expect is missing, at least until I close my eyes. Then, I see him, smirking at me, running his tongue over his teeth and ..

Stop. I need to sleep. I repeat this mantra over and over, and then, somehow I know I've succeeded.

It's dark. I'm sitting, on a floor or something similarly unyielding, but I can see nothing. Despite the silence, I know he's there. It's that familiar tingle, but it's coupled with fear and despair. It's coming off him in waves that almost cause me to panic.

"Spike," I call, desperate to find a direction. I know if only I can find him, I can make everything alright. Wary that I might be on a platform of some kind, I get onto all fours, and turn around slowly. I call out again, and this time there's a faint moan. I start to move towards the sound, slowly, completely disorientated by the total lack of light.

Then I hear it. I recognise the voice immediately even though I've only spoken to her once, and then her voice didn't drip malice.

"You'll never find him," she taunts. "I've buried him so deep, he'll never get out. He held onto you for a long time, longer than I'd have thought possible, you know that? But it was only a matter of time. He knows he doesn't deserve to be loved. He's a demon. He's filth, and he knows it."

"I'll find him, you bitch, and when I do .." I warn.

"You'll what? I know all about you. The Slayer, super powers and all that. But you won't hurt me, because I'm human. You can't hurt me, it goes against everything you believe in. You've sunk so low, but you'll never sink that far."

I pause. Do I go after her, or continue to where I heard the moan. I decide to ignore her. Her voice didn't seem so clearly pinpointed anyway. I continue to crawl towards what I hope is Spike, calling gently to him as I progress. I can hear better now, the moaning is becoming more consistent, and there are words there too. I strain to hear, and when I do, I start to cry.

"Hurt the girl. I hurt her. I'm nothing. Less than nothing. She'll kill me, she will. It's right, it's what I deserve. It's what I want, so I can't ever hurt her again."

The words are mumbled, and if I didn't know every nuance of his voice I don't think I'd understand. At last I reach out a hand, and I feel something. It's cold flesh, and I explore it gently. He used to be cold, but he's not, not any more. I continue my exploration and I know it's him. His arm, fine hairs on the lower part leading to familiar muscles higher. More confidently now, I reach further, finding his chest, then trailing up towards his neck and then his chin. I lift a single finger and trace it down his face, pausing it over his lips as he continues his mumbling. My finger's wet. I move my hand again and realise he's crying, tears dampening his cheeks. I kiss the tears away, gently, unsure how to reach him.

"Spike, I'm here. I'm not hurt. Wake up, please, just wake up and I'll take you home."

There's movement at my words, and for a moment my heart lurches in hope, and then I hear the voice behind me, too close.

"You're too late. He's gone, too deep for you to reach."

I jump up, spinning around, suddenly sure of what I need to do. Yet, all those exercises with Giles, practising what I need to do to fight an unseen foe, they're gone. Somehow I don't have any idea of where she is, but I know she's a real threat.

"It's ok, Buffy, I'll help." The voice is instantly recognisable, and it's Dawn. I can't see my sister/daughter, but I can see. Somehow, she's lit up the area, like a spotlight on me and the woman who's looming close.

Her face shows her fear for a second. This isn't what she expected, but the expression is gone as soon as it appeared. She's armed with a light sword, and she swings it with deadly accuracy. Except I'm the Slayer. I react faster that she can, moving out of the way, trying to find a way past the blade. She swings again, and again I evade it. Then I hear Spike, he's crying out loud this time, sobbing, and this time I'm a little too slow when she swings the sword, and it catches me a slice from my shoulder down my arm. I gasp in surprise, but move away from her, breathing deeply and trying to re-centre myself. The next swing is evaded easily, and she's looking unsure. She thought this would be easy, yet even though she's drawn blood, I can still evade her.

Hard as it is, I block all thought of Spike from my mind. I can't afford to lose concentration. The fight continues, and I'm getting irritated. She hasn't been able to get in another touch, but then neither have I been able to get past that sword. She doesn't seem to be slowing down either. Just when I'm wondering if there is a way to get at her, the light level increases, temporarily blinding us both, but I recover more quickly, diving towards her and knocking the sword out of her hand.

Now it's more even. She's stronger than she should be, but I know I'm stronger still.

At last, I connect with a high kick, and she falls onto the sword. For the first time I see that, impossibly, it's propped up, apparently by nothing. I hear her gurgle as the sword slips home, and she smiles, a horrible smile, and whispers, "I knew you couldn't kill me," before she exhales one last time and lies there, her head twisted around to stare at me.

I run towards Spike, finding him as I left him. I instinctively run my hand down the wound in my shoulder, feeling my hand sticky with my own blood. I quickly forget about that as I reach Spike, putting my hand towards his face. He tenses as I do that, and I wonder why, if he's hurt. Then his tongue snakes out and licks the blood off my hand. I put it back to my shoulder, picking up more blood and offer it to him again. His reaction is the same. I lie down on my side beside him, pulling him up to face me, then move hid head towards the blood which is still welling from my shoulder

. He doesn't need any encouragement, immediately starting to lick the blood from its source.

And it feels so good. He's here, and he's feeding from me, and it's ..

I waken with a start. The house is quiet, and a glance at the clock tells me it's three in the morning. Spike is lying as I left him, corpse-like except for the shallow breathing and faint heartbeat.

I try to remember the dream, wondering if it's a hint or just a dream. I decide I don't care. I rummage through my drawer looking for anything suitable. At last I find it, a pack of razors that Spike left here. He doesn't shave often, but .. I pull one from the pack, remembering with a smile the conversation we'd had about his unwillingness to try an electric razor.

"Been doin' it this way for a long time. 'Sides, s'not like there's always an electricity supply close to hand."

I go back to the bed, sitting beside him. I run the razor over my wrist, trying to keep the cut shallow, and place my wrist close to his mouth.

Just like in the dream, his body tenses, then his nose twitches, and he starts to feed. I don't know how long he feeds, but I can feel him changing as he does so. I can't say what it is that's changing, except that he's becoming more Spike.

At last, by the light from the street outside, I see his eyelids flutter, and his tongue slows its lapping. As it stills, his eyes open. They're blank for a while, then slowly recognition dawns. He looks confused, but I'm unable to explain. I don't care that I'm bleeding over the sheets, although I notice that the flow has all but stopped. I launch myself at him, throwing my arms around him and burrowing my face in towards his neck. Almost unsure at first, I feel his arms snake around me, tightening their hold as if he thinks I'm a figment of his imagination. There are no words to explain how I feel, so I won't try.

When I pull away a little, he seems to panic, as if I'm leaving, but all I want to do is look at his face, to see his eyes. When he realises I'm not going anywhere, there's almost a smile. How can he almost-smile when I'm grinning all over my face?

"I thought I'd lost you," I manage.

"You'll never lose me, Pet," he whispers, the look of wonder in his eyes reminding me of his expression when I first told him I loved him, or that first time in the collapsing building. It's humbling to see it, to see in his face how much I'm loved.

Somehow, we've managed to be naked and close and even conscious for a while and we haven't even kissed. I move my lips towards his, determined to put that right. He responds, almost shyly at first, then gently returning the kiss.

We break apart, and he's looking at me as if he can't believe his eyes.

"I didn't think I'd ever see you again," he whispers.

"The pain, the things she said, it's all muddled together. It's like I'm not sure what's real and what isn't."

"I'm real," I tell him, running my hand up and down his back.

"Yeah," he grins, and moves in to kiss me.