Chapter 27 - A Taste of Heaven, Under Threat

Waking in her arms .. well, the phrase 'died and gone to heaven' comes to mind. Except that's not going to happen to me. I've already died, and I woke to fight my way from a coffin. Of course, Dru was waiting for me, the taste of her blood still in my mouth, causing me to crave more of it. I remember how I felt about Dru. Was it Love? It was total absorption, total devotion, total obsession. But was it love? I'd never felt love before, not 'romantic' love. When I think about it, the only love I felt as a human had a good dose of devotion and obsession about it. My mother for example.

What I feel for Buffy is different. Oh, there's the absorption, devotion and a fair helping of obsession, but there's more. There's the feeling that without her, I'm not me. Somehow, she's part of me, the part I never knew existed, but could no longer live without.

The dreams tried to take her from me, but her blood brought me home.

Considering I started human, it's been a pretty twisted path I've travelled. I died, and was 'reborn' a vamp, courtesy of Dru. Then, I dusted and was sent back by a glowing child I don't even pretend to understand. And now this. I suppose, technically, I wasn't dead this time. But I might as well have been. Dawson really did a number on me. Once I was weakened by the pain, she talked to me. I heard her voice in my head, telling me all the things I knew already. That I was worthless, that I didn't deserve to be loved, that it wasn't possible for Buffy to really love me. And without her love, I couldn't possibly live.

I knew that nothing could reach me where I cowered in the darkness. Well, Dawson told me that, and she'd been right about everything else, or at least that's how it seemed to me. But, somehow, Buffy found me. The taste of her blood was the only thing that could have penetrated the barriers that surrounded me.

Real memories are still hazy. They're fading in and out a bit, but Buffy being there, offering her blood to me, that was all the reality I needed at first. I didn't even know where I was, the feeling of her hands on my skin, the sight of her face, so overwhelming that other senses seemed to just give up. Gradually, the world around us came into focus. We were in her bed, and there were others in the house. But, even these thoughts had to wait until our immediate physical needs were, no, not sated, more, brought to a manageable level. We made love with a gentleness, a silence that I can hardly believe now, but then, it seemed the only possibility. It was all about touch and sight, taste and smell, and somehow sound was superfluous.

Then, we talk, mere whispers, telling each other about what happened. She guides my hand to her stomach as she tells me that she is pregnant. She looks deep into my eyes as she says the words, desperate to see my reaction, but how could she doubt it?

"I had a dream .." I tell her. "Dawn, she was there, but she was a baby, our baby. Is that it? Or just a dream, some sort of cruel joke?"

"That's it," she reassures me. "She's coming back to us, our daughter."

"Zara," I offer.

She nods. "Zara Renee. Dawn reborn."

"Are you ok?" I ask, suddenly afraid for her.

"I'm fine. Been under a bit of strain recently, of course, but right now, I've never been better."

I stroke her face, noticing that she's lost weight and that she looks tired. Despite that, she's never looked more beautiful to me.

"They say it makes a woman glow," I say. "And you are, you're glowing."

"And no radioactive dress in sight," she quips.

I can't describe the wonder I feel. Everything about it is somehow so much more than I deserve. I'm going to be a father. Well, never thought that'd happen. Having a child with Buffy? Even better, but somehow it just makes the reality seem more like a dream. And Dawn's my daughter. Suppose I should start thinking about her as Zara. It just couldn't get any better.

She's looking at me, a question on her face. I can't help it, my eyes are filling with tears. I dreamed about it, but during the nightmare, it just seemed to be a cruel jest, offer me everything I could hope for, then pull it away.

"Are you pleased?" she asks. How could she wonder?

"Pleased doesn't come close," I reassure her, holding her tighter and burying my face in the crook or her neck.

She knows that I'm struggling to keep the tears from flowing, and she changes the subject. She tells me what's been happening while I've been away. About Willow's new sight. About Jacob and Rebecca. About how they rescued me. About Riley turning up with a gun. Another score I've got to settle, and my body tenses as I realise what could've happened.

"It wasn't him," she says, softly, recognising my reaction for what it was.

"Are you sure?" I ask. "I mean, I'm not human, hell, you're not human. We both fit nicely into his definition of 'SubT'."

"I know, but .. but something's making him feel like that. His fear about this thing that was in him, it's not normal. I think, I think he's been brainwashed too. Maybe all of them. I mean, they experimented with their bodies, why not their minds too?"

It doesn't make it any easier to deal with, but maybe it explains a bit of it. Still, he wanted to kill my girls. I won't forget that.

I feel relief that Jacob is safe. And sort of pleased that I might see him again. For a while, I think it was only him that kept me from losing it completely.

The sun's rising outside, and we're still lying together, still loath to move any part of us out of contact with the other. This is real, lying with her like this. I'm half afraid that when I'm not touching her any more, it won't be real, but as we hear movement outside the door, I know it won't be long.

I was right. There's a quiet knock on the door.

"Buffy? You awake? Anything I can get you?" It's Willow's voice. I know she's blind, but that she's somehow using her magic to see, but that's hard to take in.

Buffy calls back, "Just a minute," before giving me a short kiss on the lips and pulling herself from the bed. I think she's worried Willow might just come in. She pulls on a wrap, and goes out into the hallway. My initial reaction is one of total loss. She's gone, I can't touch her, and the despair starts to gather again. I push every sense I have out to try to find her, and then I do, mere inches away, in the hallway. Of course, a little thing like a closed door doesn't stop me from hearing every word.

"Spike's awake," Willow tells Buffy.

"Yeah, how did ..?"

"Well, I kinda, felt him, you know, when I woke up? It was like he wasn't there before, and then he was. And, even if I couldn't, I don't know what else could make you give out all these 'happy vibes'."

Buffy laughs at that. It's a laugh that's a joy to hear.

"Can you call Giles, let him know? And Xander?"

"Sure," Willow answers. "How do you feel about breakfast? I could bring something up. Not sure what we've got, but, toast, maybe an egg or two?"

"Thanks, Will. You ok with that?"

"Haven't had a mishap in the kitchen for a few days, so I'm getting better. Besides, I need the practice. I'll just leave a tray outside, is that ok?"

Seconds later, Buffy's here again, the wrap discarded, and that sweet contact is back. Somehow the thought of not touching her is less difficult now, but it's still not welcome.

It's much later when we get up. I don't think either of us wanted to move, but there are things to do. The routine of living, of being the Slayer, doesn't stop just because we've been separated for a while.

The message that comes from Willow as soon as we show our faces is that Giles wants to see us. He's obviously been talking to Riley, and he wants to know what I know about where I was held and what they did to me. I'm not sure how much help I'm going to be - I only saw what they wanted me to see, and my memory's still fuzzy on details even then.

When we get to the Magic Box, the others are all there. No Riley, I notice, but before I can comment, Buffy asks the question.

"Where is he?"

Giles looks momentarily bemused by the question, then realises.

"Riley? He convinced me of the necessity that he not be seen with any of us, so he's gone. He's going to try to find a way into the organisation, what do they call themselves now? Defenders of humanity?"

He makes a sound that eloquently shows just what he thinks of that.

"So, Spike, do you feel like telling us what happened to you? Jacob told us some things, but it'd be useful if you would share it with us, from a personal point of view."

I nod, pulling up a chair at the research table next to Buffy. Her hand leaves mine, but immediately takes up residence on my leg, the contact giving me strength.

"Some of it's still fuzzy," I start. "They've been playing games with my brain, worse than the chip. But I'll try."

I pause for a few seconds, gathering my thoughts. "The first thing they did was use me as a guinea pig. They cut bits out of me, took all sorts of samples, did experiments on me, but they kept me unconscious for most of it. Funny anaesthetic, though, stopped me fighting, just didn't kill the pain at all, and gave me nightmares to account for it."

"Then it was different. They finished taking samples, checking me out. Jacob said they were trying to clone me. Bloody stupid idea that, but I don't know what happened to the samples. They moved me. Dawson was involved in the first part, but there were a lot of them then. When they moved me, there was only her. It was as if she had a different .. agenda. What she did then, that was personal. Don't know what I've done to her, but that's how it seemed."

"It started with a noise. Didn't seem like anything special, but she told me it was designed just for me. And when I heard it, something fired in my brain, giving me pain - a bit like the chip, but going on as long as the noise. At first, that's all that happened. She zapped me, and asked questions."

"After a while, I'm not so sure. I think she could meddle with my memory too, but .. Anyway, then, the pain would do something to me. It'd be like I wasn't anywhere. Couldn't see, hear or feel anything around me except her face, her voice and the pain. I think that's when she told me things, but I didn't remember, not at the time. But, before I woke, I was .. dreaming. Dreaming about her voice, her face, telling me things I already knew, that I didn't deserve .. anything. Then she was showing me things, making me imagine things, Buffy with Riley, with Angel, with .. others, with anyone but me. She made me believe I had no reason to waken. I was lost, and that's what she wanted."

I pause then, the crushing weight of the doubts she re-enforced threatening to overwhelm me.

"I had a dream too, it told me I had to offer him some blood," Buffy tells the others. She describes her dream, in more detail than she'd already shared with me. The others listen, with interest, and Giles interrupts occasionally asking her to clarify something. I wonder why he didn't ask me anything, and then I know. He did want to, he tried to catch my eye more than once, but I just wanted to tell the tale and be finished with it. Describing my feelings like this in front of the whole gang isn't something I'm comfortable with. Not very Big Bad, now is it?

"Dawn helping again," Giles muses when Buffy's finished. "Or something masquerading as Dawn because it knows you'll both trust her."

"It was her," Buffy insists. "Well, her or Zara. Don't know which name's more appropriate."

The mention of the Bit, brings back the realisation that everything's even more perfect than I have any right to know.

Giles clears his throat. "So, Dawn's still helping, and you two still have the job of protecting her until she's old enough to become the Key. Because of this, we've got to consider the possibility that this whole business with Spike has more relevance than just the Defenders' animosity against demons, or their wish to build further creatures they can control. Although the possibility of an army of Spikes is hardly something to give me pleasant dreams, the more immediate danger is that the Defenders as a whole, or some members within that organisation, are intent on destroying Dawn. Spike, your suggestion that there were two separate agendas at work could be the clue. I think we should ask Riley to make an investigation of this Dawson his first priority if and when he has access to such information."

"There's also the possibility that Jacob mentioned, that there could be some sort of cult at work here. He implied the cult was a legend, rather than known fact, but I've had to deal with too many 'legends' to assume that's all it is. The cult is supposed to be a group, originally from Jacob's world, and the members are intent on carrying on the work started by Blar, who was originally responsible for the energy which was contained in the Orb of Fire. If they exist, such a group would certainly have a reason for wanting to make sure that this baby is never born."

That's right, Watcher. Now I've got just about everything I could want out of life, he's just made it clear that there're whole bands of people out there desperate to take it all away from me. Still, I'm back, and they've got no idea how hard I'm willing to fight for them. If they make one move to hurt my girls, they'll find out just what I'm capable of.