4
"Damn you, Shindo! Will you wait?!" The voice that had shouted this from behind him made Hikaru pause in his ever growing stride. It sounded almost pained. Not that he cared… after all… Damn it. He couldn't even hide it from himself anymore. It wasn't fair! He hadn't wanted this. Had never wanted this.
Not Sai, not Go, not Touya, Akira… he had wanted nothing. And yet… His feet halted. They just stopped moving without even bothering to consult with him if this course of action was okay or not. 'I hate myself.' He thought more darkly than he had ever thought before. Hikaru turned, hearing the rapid footsteps slow as they neared him. Too soon, his own gray eyes caught hold of the bewildered green ones.
"What do you want?" He snapped. Those eyes widened on the flushed face. The usually tight lipped face with the ever so determined air to it was gone, leaving only another nineteen year old in its place. And suddenly the emotions that had never seemed to be quite readable were all there open in Touya, Akira's face. Hurt. Confusion. Anger as well.
"Is it true?" Akira demanded and then without even bothering to wait for an answer, he continued, advancing further still before he was actually forcing Hikaru to back away from him. "You don't even have to answer that if you don't feel like it. It's not that important but… why? Why didn't you even bother to come to the Go Salon today? You could have at least warned me! I was…" The words dwindled, the passion not less but more unsure as to where it was going. "I was worried." Hikaru's eyes widened at the admission and he hung his head, not quite knowing where this would lead if anywhere.
"…Gomen… I just couldn't…" He started. "Not if it was going to be the last time… I just couldn't pretend anymore and I was so sure that you would flip or just hate me… or just go silent like you've done before…I didn't know what to do. I didn't even know if what Waya told you was true until you said you were leaving and I… I…" He was not going to cry. Not here, not ever. Not in front of his friends, and definitely not in front of Touya. "I didn't want this."
"Does anyone ever do?" Akira suddenly asked, his voice a lot softer and calmer than before. When Hikaru looked up, he saw a pale but composed face.
"Lots… I thought… just not like… this…" He ended lamely. Akira regarded him for a moment, silent as if he was too deep in his thoughts.
"I'm sorry." He then started. "I never even noticed." Hikaru shook his head at the words, feeling more foolish than he had his whole life. "…I just," It was unnerving watching and listening to Akira fumble through his words. "You and Waya were right. I only saw and lived Go… it didn't even occur to me that…" He trailed off. "I don't know, Hikaru…"
"That makes two of us then." Hikaru tried with a smile but it left his face. "Please don't leave." He whispered. "I don't care if you don't feel the same way as I do… I just… please…stay in Japan. I need you…" He was horrified to find a tear trail down his tan cheek. "As funny as it may sound… I need you." He'd been abandoned already and he didn't think he could survive a second person leaving him, even if he knew it wouldn't be forever like it had been in Sai's case… he didn't want Akira to leave. Those serious green eyes continued to hold his gaze.
"I can't promise anything." Akira stated truthfully. "I don't know what I know anymore. I don't even know what I want. I don't know you…You…" He shook his head, the shoulder length hair flying. Silence gathered once more around the two, ignored by the crowd of bodies that were walking around them. The nineteen year old sighed and broke eye contact as he started to speak. "How about this, I leave for China tomorrow as planned… allowing both of us time to think. I will help my parents move in and in a week's time I will come back with a real answer." He held a hand out and gently brushed a tear away from the other boy's cheek. Hikaru flinched, startled at the motion and his own hand rose, brushing the rest of the motion away.
"That's fair…I guess." He stated clearly, there was really nothing else to say. A week wasn't such a big deal. Hikaru knew that Akira had traveled before and left for longer. And he would be coming back… he would be. The two stared at each other longer.
"…I don't know what to say."
"Then shut up and go." Hikaru muttered. "I've made a fool of myself today… a bigger one than usual." Akira's lipped quirked up as if Hikaru's sudden change of tone, answered the question that had been shining in his green eyes. Was his rival okay?
"I don't know about that… Shindo." And then with a wave, the nineteen year old turned away. "Take care of yourself, Hikaru. I'll see you in a week."
"Come back safely…" Hikaru waved back, fighting an urge to go and run after the boy who had simply disappeared into the crowds. Somehow he had never quite pictured Akira finding out about his own emotions like this… and he didn't know if it was shock that he didn't feel more than simple relief that at least Akira didn't hate him. All in all… the other nineteen year old had taken this whole situation better than even he had. He gave a little wry smile and shook his head. He wasn't ready to return to the apartment. He needed to think, to clear his thoughts out… to really understand what had taken place just minutes before. And more than that—he needed to figure out how to make one week pass as if only a few hours had.
Tbc… I know this is a really, really short chapter. Gomen! Hopefully the next few chapters will make up for it. If not… speak to my muses, they're the culprits… I'm just the messenger after all. J I still hope the story is good. Please let me know what you think!!!
