-=*=-To Austria With Love -=*=-

Chapter III

That evening I asked Berta to leave Neil and I alone for the evening because I had to speak with him about something which was weighing heavily on my heart. She gladly agreed and left right after Dinner.

I sat with Neil in our favorite spot, the settee in front of the fireplace.

Taking a deep breath I began immediately with what I had to say before I lost my courage. "Neil? Do you ever wish you hadn't made that promise to me? You know the one about not having children, and… everything that goes along with it."

He held me closer to him with a sighed. "At times, yes. But I remind myself I married you knowing I had made that promise and I intend to keep it. Oh, I can't lie to you; there are times when I would do almost anything to break that promise. I'm no saint Christy. I'll admit it; the thought crosses my mind occasionally… And lately it's been more often then I care to confess even to you.

"Now can we discuss something else, please? Talking about this doesn't make it any easier." Neil confessed.

"Would you please hear me out, Neil? There's more that I need to say."

"Christy, I already told you I don't want to talk about it!"

"I won't go into vivid detail, I promise."

Neil sighed deeply. "Alright Christy!" He said with exasperation. "Say what you have to say."

I turned toward Neil slowly, drawing away from his embrace to face him. I took his hand. "Neil… You know Lisle and I have been reading the Bible together everyday." I paused. "When she was here today she read from I Corinthians 7:4-5." I reached over and picked up the Bible Lisle had left open to that chapter for me. "Here, read this." I handed Neil the Bible and he read the scriptures out loud.

"When she finished reading that section I stopped her and asked her what it meant… Well… She said it pertains to the intimate part of marriage. I thought about the relationship you and I have. I know you promised me… And I'm convinced you're committed to that promise, don't misunderstand me. But when I mentioned my fears to Lisle she told me other scriptures as well. Philippians 4:13, 'I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.' and Philippians 4:19, 'But my God shall supply all of your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.'

"She told me if God blessed us with a child he would also prepare a way for us to care for it. Lisle said we could rely on the church to help out and there are other places we can go for help as well. Now that you've got your position at the hospital, maybe we can even afford help.

"She took me for a ride today and introduced me to her mother who's been blind since birth and she's raised ten children! Mrs. Gustavson is her name, and she told me I could seek her advice anytime I liked. Mrs. Gustavson told me blindness shouldn't stop me from living life and enjoying *all* of the pleasures in life, like the feel and the scent of my own newborn baby. She told me I can do *anything* if I really want to! If I want it badly enough."

"Haven't I been telling you that all along Christy?"

"Yes, but this is from a woman who is in the same situation as me, but has risen above it! She's actually overcome the disability! I was amazed by her testimony! It was incredible. Oh Neil, I want to be like that!"

I looked sadly at the floor. "I'm sorry I haven't been a proper wife to you, Neil. I haven't given you everything that is due you. You've been so patient and kind to me over this difficult time in our marriage. I can't tell you how much it means to me." I turned to face him. Hoping I was looking him in the eyes as I spoke. "Neil I want to be the kind of wife I'm supposed to be." I turned around curling up on Neil's lap, facing him. I put my hand up to his face, touching his forehead, eyes, cheeks, picturing their every detail in my mind as I allowed my fingers to examine his face. Was he angry? Sad? Hopeful? Or was he just tolerating me? Finally I permitted my fingers to brush his lips. I allowed my fingers to linger there as I leaned toward him slowly. I began by kissing him softly a couple of times, and then I ran my fingers through his hair.

"Christy, what are you doing?" Neil asked, sounding irritated.

"I'm trying to--attract--my husband. I'm sorry if I don't know how." I apologized, feeling rather foolish at the moment. Was I going about this all wrong? I had no idea what to do. Or what he expected of me.

"Are you sure you want to do this Christy?" Neil asked.

"As sure as I'll ever be." I answered.

"I don't want you to live in fear because you're trying to prove something to me. You don't have to!" Neil said with an angry edge to his voice.

"I have to admit, I'm nervous. But yet, God Himself has told us to live other then the way we have been living. He'll provide a way, even when there seems to be no way… I love you Neil. More then anything on this earth! I'd do anything for you. I want you to be happy."

"I've made a promise to you Christy. I intend to stick by it for the rest of my life. I love you more then anything also. I don't want to cause you pain, either tonight or at anytime in your life. I've watched you suffer far too much already Sweetheart! You *have* made me happy, you make me happy everyday of my life just by being here with me as my wife. I know you'd do anything for me, but maybe this isn't the right thing to do…" His voice trailed off.

I thought for a while. Looking pensively away from Neil. Praying silently.

Turning back toward him again I placed my hand on his face. Feeling every inch of it from his forehead downward once again. "Oh! How I wish I could look into your eyes right now!" I declared with frustration. "Then I could 'see' what's going through your mind! What's *really* going through your mind! You always refuse to tell me what you're thinking!" I began to cry.

Neil sighed deeply. He wanted to tell me the truth, but he didn't want to hurt me either. I knew that much even though I couldn't see his eyes. "Christy, calm down. Please!"

"I'm sorry, Neil. It's just that a lot of our relationship was built on eye contact. Now I can't even see your eyes to tell what you're thinking." I paused. "Tell me the truth, Neil…"

"Very well, Christy, I'll be honest with you." He took me in his arms and held me close taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, both collecting himself and giving his mind a chance to compose his statement to me.

"Christy, there is nothing I would like better then to get to know you the way only your husband can. But I'm not convinced you aren't being impetuous again. You're thrilled about what Lisle and Mrs. Gustavson told you, and that's all well and good, but does that truly make you ready for what might lie ahead?" He paused to kiss my forehead. "I love Christy, with all my heart. I could very well have lost you, but I feel extremely blessed that I did not. I'm blessed that you even agreed to marry me! You could have forced me to come to Austria alone, but you graciously agreed to come with me. You've been practicing dances with me so you can accompany me to Mrs. Fuchs' birthday party on Saturday evening.

"You've come such a long way… I don't want you to become overwhelmed expecting a baby as well."

I cried quietly in Neil's arms. He kissed the top of my head and held me tight. I knew he was right. But that still didn't change what the Bible said…

'Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.'

We weren't fasting and praying for anything, although we probably should now.

I got up slowly and silently from the settee. I felt terribly embarrassed for what I had attempted to do! I couldn't speak to Neil, I was afraid to. I doubt that my voice would have allowed me to speak even if I should have attempted it. I didn't know how I could ever face him again.

Walking quickly to the kitchen, I would work at washing the dishes. Maybe some physical work would help me to feel better, plus getting my mind off of myself and the blunder I had made could only help the situation. My face was crimson, I could feel it as it quickly swept upward. Impetuous? Yes, I had been that and so much more! I had hurt Neil, although I knew he would never admit it to me. How could I have acted so foolishly?

-=*=--=*=--=*=--=*=--=*=--=*=--=*=--=*=--=*=--=*=-

I had the water ready and was adding dishes when Neil came into the kitchen. I was hoping he would just leave me alone, but it was obvious he would not. I felt my face blush once again as he entered the room. I didn't want him to see how embarrassed I was to be face to face with him.

I continued to wash the dishes, ignoring the person who was somewhere behind me. I would pretend I didn't hear him and hopefully he would go back into the parlor or his study-- somewhere--anywhere where I was *not*!

Neil stood still, wherever he was behind me. I knew he was staring at me, even though I couldn't actually see him, I just *knew* he was. I got that queer feeling which goes up your spine when you just know, even without an acknowledgement, that someone, somewhere is watching you! It was the same feeling I had the day I found Neil staring at me from the upstairs window of his cabin all that time ago.

After I had washed a few dishes I heard Neil moving closer. He must have grabbed the dishtowel and began to dry the dishes because I could hear the dishes clatter. But still, neither of us said a word to the other.

The dishes were nearly finished when Neil finally spoke to me. "Christy… Sweetheart, I know you're embarrassed, but you don't need to be. I'm grateful that you want to please me, but there is no need for it. I'll be fine. I just need a little time, is all."

"It's not just *you* Neil…" I looked away again. I didn't want to appear foolish again. I quickly dried my hands and headed for the door, but Neil seized my arm as I walked past. I was frustrated now and getting angry. I wanted him to leave me alone and stop thrashing me with my mistake!

"Christy…" He began and quickly paused. I had to fight the urge to jerk my arm out of his grasp. "What is the *real* problem?"

"I already told you what the real problem is. You're not the only person struggling with this decision! When I'm with you, sometimes it's all I can do not to-- well, you know. We've been through that enough for one evening." Turning my face away from him I paused for a long while, most likely several minutes before I spoke again. "That's not the only reason…"

"What is the other reason then?" Neil inquired gently though the last thing in the world I wanted to do was admit this. I attempted to draw my arm away from him, but he would not allow me to leave. "Christy, answer me. I won't let you go until you do, so you might as well have out with it right now."

I sighed long and deep. I knew the kind of tenacity which Neil had--very much like my own in fact. I would have to tell him eventually, and he was just stubborn enough to remain here beside me holding my arm for as long as I stood firm. So I might as well have out with it right here and now and be done with it. "Do you remember when you were going to leave me alone in my hospital room in Asheville and I told you I didn't want you to go? Do you remember 'why' I didn't want you to go?"

"You said it was because it was so…" Neil paused with a gasp. "…*dark*!" He drew me close and hugged me again. "I'm so sorry Sweetheart! I forgot all about the fact you were afraid of the dark! But now for you it's always dark, isn't it?"

I could only nod my head. After a time I finally mustered the courage to say, "But nighttime is the worst! I don't know why, but it is. When I'm all-alone in our bedroom… the nights you sleep downstairs, I can't sleep! I worry all the while! I jump at every little noise! I pray that you'll come to bed, but you don't.

"Even when you do I'm not allowed to fall asleep in your arms. I have to keep my distance. I understand why, but I'm tired of it!" I moved my face up toward his. "It's not just *you* who has problems with this promise Neil. I want more then anything to break the promise myself! But I can see that you're right. I'm being impetuous *again*!! I wish I could stop doing that!"

He drew me close. "At least you're being impetuous because you want to do what the Bible says. And I appreciate that you want to please me, but I think we should pray about this. We'll go into the parlor and pray together and I want us both to pray as often as we can tomorrow."

"I will. I promise." I said as Neil led me to the parlor where we knelt in prayer.

-=*=--=*=--=*=--=*=--=*=--=*=--=*=--=*=--=*=--=*=-

End of Chapter 3.

Chapter 4 Coming Soon!!