I'd have to say this is my favorite Diablo 2 story of them all. Even though nothing can compare to "Seven Silly Saviors."

Attention: Sense of humor required to read this story.



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"I want you to gather up all the monsters in this cave. . ." Zhon was saying to a skeleton archer. "I have a very important message to relay to them."

After all the monsters had squished themselves in one of the big spaces in the cave, Zhon began to speak. He looked at all the monsters, which stood in front of him and Ki-Ki. There were Fallen and Shaman, skeletons and Corrupted Rogues. There were Zombies and there were these big stinky hairy beasts, and even the occasional oversized rat.

"Monsters, Demons, and beasts!" Zhon te Fee'iar began. "I have been informed that you have been devising an attack against the inhabitants of the Rogue encampment."

The beast all murmured in unison.

"How do you know this?" One of the stinkiest and hairiest of the stinky and hairy beasts said.

"I have my sources . . ." Zhon smiled mysteriously looking over at the one skeleton archer whom he had spoken with before.

"I bet it was him!" One of the few Fallen who knew English said pointing to the skeleton archer said in English, or whatever the daily lingo of the Sanctuarians speak. Anyway, it was quite amazing for a Fallen to speak in this manner so everybody was quite surprised. Might be due to the fact that his mother was human, but we won't get into that. . .

The skeleton was pushed out of the crowd to stand sheepishly with the two humans.

"Do not blame this lone skeleton archer!" Zhon said.

"I'm merely here to try and convince you to not attack the encampment."

"And why not?" A rat said. Ki-Ki eyed the rat and it ran away.

"I have been inside the Rogue encampment and let me tell you. You will find nothing in there that will be of any use to you!"

The monsters, beast, demons, and rats murmured again.

They don't have much gold. They don't have any rare items! (He left out the gambling items of Gheed.) And the people are even scrawny, you wouldn't want to eat them!

All the monsters sighed. They had really been looking forward to eating them. Even though the Rogues were skinny, not all of the inhabitants were Rogues.


"Oh yeah!" The same Fallen who had spoken before, spoke again.

"I heard that the one called Kashya is fat!"

They all murmured.

"Believe me!" Zhon said. "You have been misinformed."

And they all laughed merrily!

So Zhon te Fee'iar convinced the monsters not to attack the Rogue encampment, therefore completing the first quest. He also convinced them to "move" to another cave therefore "clearing" out the cave of its "evil." The little picture of a cave on the map Akara had given him faded away and he gazed at the picture next to it (it was of a Crow) and he wondered what his next quest would be.

He also gained a new follower (and another assistant), the skeleton Archer known as Willy.


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"So you never actually killed anything?" Warriv said good-naturedly.

"Nope." Zhon answered chuckling.

"Whoa, we need more heroes like you! I don't know what type of magic you used, but if you can turn wild monsters into obedient tame beasts, then I commend you." He continued shaking the magician's hand.

"It is all merely the power of persuasion." Zhon laughed.

They both laughed when suddenly a short, dirty middle aged man shuffled up to them. Flies flew above his head and Zhon would have held a handkerchief in front of his nose but he didn't want to be rude. (For some reason he immediately began to dislike this man.)

"Good Evening to you Stranger! I'm Gheed!" The man said rubbing his hands together.

"Did you say Greed? Are you named after one of the original sins?" Zhon said sarcastically.

Gheed looked at him confused and was about to continue on with his practiced speech when Ki-Ki strutted up. Gheed looked at the woman wearing nothing but a skimpy costume, showing off all the skin of her leg, arms, and ...other areas. His eyes bulged.

"I can already tell we'll be the best of friends..." He was saying. She smiled sweetly.


"A spare gem, some armor, is all I ask in return for. . ." Steam was just about coming out of his ears. Gheed ran out of there and had to jump into the creek.

"What was wrong with him?" Ki-Ki asked. Zhon smiled knowingly.

"He got a little sick it seems. He had to clear his mind. . . Plus he really needed to take a bath. Must have been weeks since his last one."

They began marching up to Akara. Again Charsi ran up to them. Zhon's eyes watered as she passed them.

"Hi again--I heard you cleared the Den of Evil--That's great--I gotta go now--But stop by sometime.--Say?--Do you know where Gheed is?" She said running past them.

"He decided to take a swim in the creek." Zhon said as smoothly as he could. (He was also extremely jealous of Gheed. Why would she want to hang out with him?)

"Great! I'll go join him. See ya!" She said as she disappeared through the gates of the tent.

Zhon was about to follow her but Ki-Ki dragged him to the corner where Akara was praying.

"We have completed our first quest!" Ki-Ki announced. Zhon came out of his own little world then.

"Yes Madam!" He added. "We have, uh hum, cleared the Den of Evil."

"So you have vanquished all the monsters in the cave?" Akara asked.

"Um you could say that." Zhon answered.

"All the monsters are dead?" Akara wanted to know.

Zhon stood there not knowing what to say. "You mean you wanted us to kill them?" He said in a squeaky voice.

Ki-Ki saved him from embarrassment. "Aren't you some priestess or something?" Ki-Ki asked. "Can't you see these things through your intuition given to you by your gods or something? Of course we cleared the Den Of Evil! No Sweat!"

Akara, who didn't know if they had "cleared" the den of its evil or not, gave them free potions anyway as a reward.

"Wine!" Zhon yelled in pure delight.

"Um, I don't think it wine. Looks like something from my chemistry set." Ki-Ki interrupted.

"These are health and mana potions. They will help you keep good health and a constant supply of magic."

"A potion a day keeps the Doctor away?" Zhon was saying.

"Stop being silly, Zhon!" Ki-Ki said bonking him on the back of the head.

"Your right Ki-Ki, a glass of Wine a day keeps the heart attacks at bay!"

"Oh! You silly!" She said hitting him on the arm.

"You know you are pretty strong for an assistant." Zhon said.

"Of course I am! That's why you keep me right?" Ki-Ki joked.

He smiled down at her. "Right." And playfully messed her hair up.

Akara who had been watching the whole time decided to go back to her praying which she had vowed to do 24-7.

"By the way Akara?" Zhon interrupted. Akara looked wearily up at her from her bowed praying position.

"Now that the Den of Evil is cleared, will it become the Den of Good?"

With that Ki-Ki dragged him away, scolding him for his silliness.



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"I hear you have cleansed the Den of Evil." Kashya was saying.

"You could say that." Zhon answered sharing a private smile with Ki-Ki. "That is where I got this skeleton from. Funny how nobody's seemed to noticed him. Poor Willy."

Zhon gave the skeleton a handkerchief for him to cry into.

"Are you a Necromancer?" Kashya asked him.

"No." Zhon said.

"Then how is it that he follows you?" Kashya asked amazed.


"I don't know, ask him?"

Kashya looked at him amazed, but saw that he expected her to actually talk to the walking skeleton.

"Why do you follow him if he is not a Necromancer!" Kashya said loudly to the skeleton. The skeleton just stared blankly at her.

"Oh I forgot to tell you, his vocal cords are not intact. He may not be able to answer." Zhon mentioned trying to hide his laugh. Ki-Ki laughed next to him.

"You sure fell for that one Kashya!" Ki-Ki chirped trying to hide her laughs. Kashya looked back at the Magician angrily.

"I won't tell you the next quest then!" She said crossing her arms and turning away from them.

"Oh come on Kashya." Zhon pleaded. He bowed before her. "Please, oh mighty Rogue, tell us of thine next quest. We will do as thou biddest." He said as a mock Romeo. Kashya, (whom you might think as a hardened Rogue), felt a soft spot for this man and forgave him for making her talk to a mute (and perhaps dumb too) skeleton.

"Ok." She said smiling. (For no one had ever bowed before her even though she was queen, I mean leader of the Rogues!)

"Your next quest is to kill Blood Raven. . ."

"Man! You get right to the point don't you?" Ki-Ki commented. Kashya gave her a snotty look and continued to look dreamily at Zhon.

"We will exterminate this Raven Blood for you, but first do you have any food? I'm hungry. Can we roast ourselves a chicken?" Zhon said.

"Normally those chickens are for show." Kashya said. "But I believe we can cook one up for you." Kashya answered.

"Great! Let's eat!" Ki-Ki exclaimed. They both looked at her annoyed.