Chapter II - The difference children and years can make.
Inside a hotel somewhere outside Chicago.
Karen Sammler sat on the couch gazing out of the window into the cold weather outside. Couples walking hand in hand on the snow, snuggled together. Inside she could listen to Rick's voice on the phone "Yeah, dada will be home soon. . . She did? . . Oh, that's great sweetie!! . . Let me hear it. . beautiful!! Let me talk to mom now, ok? I love you to Andy. Bye my sweetie!"
There's silence for a few minutes.
B&W Karen: "I have nothing against him giving his son attention! . . I understand this was an accident. . I don't blame him! . . But . . my problem lays with her. Ever since she walked into our lives, Rick has never been the same again . . He fell in love with her. . and I know Rick when he's in love, nothing else matters beside the woman he's in love with. . . Through the last 2 and 10 months Rick has done it all for her. He would go there if she got sick and he wouldn't leave her until she got better . . He claimed he had to take care of Andy but the truth was he was taking care of her. If he got sick she would come over and do the same for him. . and if I tried to take care of him he would wear this face that told me he wanted her. When he has to go there he sings the whole morning, and comes back talking about them and comparing everything she does right and I do wrong. . . His doesn't love me anymore . . I think his waiting for her to get a divorce to either cheat on me or ask for the divorce."
"He's fine now!" Rick's voice brings Karen back to reality.
"Now you can relax" Karen says a little disturbed.
"What?" Rick asks feeling the argument coming in and looking out of the window to avoid Karen's face.
"You don't love me anymore" Karen throws the words out of her lungs, closing her eyes to the pain, letting Rick know she is not asking him, she knows it as a fact. Rick had to give in at that second he didn't love her, he hadn't loved her in years, he had been hiding behind his work trying to avoid her, trying not to tell her he had fallen in love with someone else.
B&W Rick: "How do you tell the mother of two of your children you have no feelings for her? How do you tell a woman you were supposed to love for the rest of your life that you do not love her, that you love someone else and that you know this love inside is much stronger than the one you had for her? How do I tell her that when I go to sleep I cry out for someone else, that this woman is in my dreams, my thoughts, my fantasies. .?" Rick sinks his head feeling guilty.
"No" He tells her but he can't face her.
Karen feels the pain in her chest far more than she expected.
"Just answer two questions. When and How did you stop loving me?"
Rick turns to face her, he takes his time to allow the words out of him " I . . I . . I don't know when exactly but . . Oh, Karen, things started happening, and I just lost it there somewhere. . I don't know!"
"You do know, you're just to chicken to tell me that you fell in love with her, that you want her." Karen has stood up and has been yelling at Rick.
"Don't blame this on Lily! I lost my love for you way before she walked into my life. You just turned my life into a living nightmare with all your worries and the way you never let me take care of anything. Karen our marriage has always been based into being everybody's overprotective mother. You treat me as if I were one of the kids who is always ready to do something stupid! I'm your husband, not your son!. ."
"I want the divorce!" Karen interrupts him.
"Oh, you took the words out of my mouth"
5 days later at Karen's and Rick's:
Eli and Jessie are sitting on the couch in the living room. Rick and Karen are standing in front of them but with a certain distance between them.
"Guys, look we need to talk" Rick starts.
"The last time we needed to talk Andy came in our lives" Eli states with a smile.
Rick smiles remembering his son.
B&W Rick: "Andy. . He's 2 years old now! . . He's gorgeous. . well he always has been. I remember the nurse telling me he was a success through the hospital. I couldn't have been more proud. . people often congratulate me for his beauty. He has my eye color, my dark brown hair, Lily's nose and lips, but my smile. There are traces of both me and Lily and there are moments when I see myself inside him. . and others where I see her inside his eyes. . I love this"
"Mom are you pregnant?" Jessie asks hopeful
"No. ."
"Jess, mom and dad are getting a divorce" Rick says with his thoughts still away from there.
The kids look at each other with weird looks in their faces, they can't understand this.
"What?" Jessie asks with tears in her eyes.
Rick approaches her "Sweetie, I'm so sorry . . This is hard I know, but we couldn't do this anymore. We were both miserable, we don't love each other anymore and this can't go on like this"
"Why?" She keeps asking.
"Jessie a couple needs love and respect to be married and your father just doesn't feel this anymore" Karen states trying to blame it on .
The kids look at each other with weird looks in their faces, they can't understand this.
"What?" Jessie asks with tears in her eyes.
Rick approaches her "Sweetie, I'm so sorry . . This is hard I know, but we couldn't do this anymore. We were both miserable, we don't love each other anymore and this can't go on like this"
"Why?" She keeps asking.
"Jessie a couple needs love and respect to be married and your father just doesn't feel this anymore" Karen states trying to blame it on Rick alone.
"No, we both don't feel this way anymore for each other."
Rick finally looks at his son. Eli has had no reaction still. He's just sitting there letting the news sink inside him.
Rick doesn't ask a question. He knows Eli's pretty much like his grandfather, they don't talk, never had, never will. They let the news inside their stomach like a bomb they have eaten and go on with life with that lump in there where the bomb exploded at some point.
"Where's daddy going to live?" Jessie asks still crying.
"Sam's brother owns a building not far from here and he has offered me an apartment."
Rick informs.
"When are you living us?" Eli's voice is finally heard.
"Tonight!" Rick says.
"But there's no bed in the apartment yet. . how . ."
"Jess, I went out yesterday to put some furniture in the apartment."
At night Rick leaves after having to reassure Jessie that he wouldn't be alone, Andy would stay with him that night. .. But what she didn't know was that Lily would end up sleeping there to. On the couch of course but still . .
Lily wakes up looking around her trying to place where she is, after two minutes she finally remembers.
She doesn't know if it's because the apartment is dark and with very few furniture or because she knows what Jake's doing, but she feels lonely, in need of an embrace. Tears begin to roll down her eyes.
B&W Lily: "Having Andy just made things between me and Jake get worse. . . He stopped cheating on me for some time. . I think he was taken aback when Rick came in . . felt intimidated or something . . but about 5 months ago he started doing it again. Staying out until 1 in the morning, telling me he needed to go out of town. . like this week!. .And I don't know why but I just don't want to try anymore . . It's as if . . as if I wanted this!"
She stands up from the couch and moves into Rick's room. There she stays admiring his face below her for some time, until Rick opens his eyes to adore her.
"I just need snuggle" She tells him but the truth was she didn't have to say a word Rick could see it in her eyes. He opens the covers for her and she settles herself in his arms, holding his hand in hers. Rick's nose sinks in her hair and they fall asleep.
Rick wakes up alone in the room, feeling the sunlight on his face he finally realizes where he is and why he's alone there.
He finds a tray with breakfast on a table in his room, laying there a note from Lily:
"Hope you enjoy your breakfast, in your new life. Know that we'll always be here for you, like you have always been there for us every step of the way. You just have to call. Love : Lily and Andy"
There's no doubt in Rick's mind, he picks up the phone and dials the number.
"My sister's bookstore. ." Lily mumbles on the phone
"The card said I just had to call"
Lily smiles "The card's right. . I meant to call you to thank you for last night."
"Oh believe me, holding you in my arms was all my pleasure."
"You do not change"
"My feelings for you don't"
"Rick. ."
"I won't talk anymore. . look I was wondering . . I haven't spend as much time as I wanted with Andy since he was born so I was wondering if I could have him this week and than we'll talk about new arrangements when I return him. What do you say?"
"I'll get his things ready when I get home and you can pick him up"
"Great! Thank you so much"
"You're his father, you should spend time with him"
"Thanks"
At night:
Rick, Jessie, Eli and Andy are sitting at Rick's dinner table. All having Chinese, all beside Andy that is, he's having a milk bottle and some fries.
"You didn't unpack yet" Jessie notices
"I never said I was a homemaker"
"Mummy unpacked"
"You're right, Andy, mummy unpacked for me"
"So are you like going to marry Lily now?" Eli asks
"Eli!! She is married! I can't marry her. . . I have to get rid of Jake first. . Look guys I know how you feel right now! This is tuff on you, but you have to understand that you're mother and I were very unhappy"
Both kids sink their heads knowing their father's telling the truth.
B&W Eli: " It's true! . . They fought like hell! . . I mean they were ok together till I was around 7 than . . I don't know, Jessie was 2 and my parents started fighting over everything . . There were nights I sat outside for hours while they yelled at each other. . Than my dad would call Lily. . sometimes he ended up going there"
Rick stands in his room ,gently rocking Andy in his arms. The boy's chin rests on Rick's shoulder, his tiny fingers hold his daddy's earlobe while the other hand holds on to his tea bottle as Rick sings "soul of my soul". Slowly Andy closes his eyes, falling asleep, he looses so the grip on Rick's earlobe and his daddy notices he's deep asleep.
Rick places Andy in the middle of his bed, where he has set a couple of pillows to make sure his son is safe and comfortable.
B&W Rick: "This is the moment where he's really just a baby, the way he holds on my earlobe to feel I'm there and not going to leave, and than when I lay him down . . he sleeps just like her . .the most difficult part of this is this fear I have that my son will feel left behind . . I wouldn't bare this. To have this tiny thing have his heartbroken. . I remember when he was still a newborn he was still crying trough the night and Lily had read that you have to leave the baby crying the whole night until it stops. . Lily and I couldn't . . we felt like we were breaking his heart, making him believe that we would not be there . . it was the first time I sang "soul of my soul" to him. ."
Inside a hotel somewhere outside Chicago.
Karen Sammler sat on the couch gazing out of the window into the cold weather outside. Couples walking hand in hand on the snow, snuggled together. Inside she could listen to Rick's voice on the phone "Yeah, dada will be home soon. . . She did? . . Oh, that's great sweetie!! . . Let me hear it. . beautiful!! Let me talk to mom now, ok? I love you to Andy. Bye my sweetie!"
There's silence for a few minutes.
B&W Karen: "I have nothing against him giving his son attention! . . I understand this was an accident. . I don't blame him! . . But . . my problem lays with her. Ever since she walked into our lives, Rick has never been the same again . . He fell in love with her. . and I know Rick when he's in love, nothing else matters beside the woman he's in love with. . . Through the last 2 and 10 months Rick has done it all for her. He would go there if she got sick and he wouldn't leave her until she got better . . He claimed he had to take care of Andy but the truth was he was taking care of her. If he got sick she would come over and do the same for him. . and if I tried to take care of him he would wear this face that told me he wanted her. When he has to go there he sings the whole morning, and comes back talking about them and comparing everything she does right and I do wrong. . . His doesn't love me anymore . . I think his waiting for her to get a divorce to either cheat on me or ask for the divorce."
"He's fine now!" Rick's voice brings Karen back to reality.
"Now you can relax" Karen says a little disturbed.
"What?" Rick asks feeling the argument coming in and looking out of the window to avoid Karen's face.
"You don't love me anymore" Karen throws the words out of her lungs, closing her eyes to the pain, letting Rick know she is not asking him, she knows it as a fact. Rick had to give in at that second he didn't love her, he hadn't loved her in years, he had been hiding behind his work trying to avoid her, trying not to tell her he had fallen in love with someone else.
B&W Rick: "How do you tell the mother of two of your children you have no feelings for her? How do you tell a woman you were supposed to love for the rest of your life that you do not love her, that you love someone else and that you know this love inside is much stronger than the one you had for her? How do I tell her that when I go to sleep I cry out for someone else, that this woman is in my dreams, my thoughts, my fantasies. .?" Rick sinks his head feeling guilty.
"No" He tells her but he can't face her.
Karen feels the pain in her chest far more than she expected.
"Just answer two questions. When and How did you stop loving me?"
Rick turns to face her, he takes his time to allow the words out of him " I . . I . . I don't know when exactly but . . Oh, Karen, things started happening, and I just lost it there somewhere. . I don't know!"
"You do know, you're just to chicken to tell me that you fell in love with her, that you want her." Karen has stood up and has been yelling at Rick.
"Don't blame this on Lily! I lost my love for you way before she walked into my life. You just turned my life into a living nightmare with all your worries and the way you never let me take care of anything. Karen our marriage has always been based into being everybody's overprotective mother. You treat me as if I were one of the kids who is always ready to do something stupid! I'm your husband, not your son!. ."
"I want the divorce!" Karen interrupts him.
"Oh, you took the words out of my mouth"
5 days later at Karen's and Rick's:
Eli and Jessie are sitting on the couch in the living room. Rick and Karen are standing in front of them but with a certain distance between them.
"Guys, look we need to talk" Rick starts.
"The last time we needed to talk Andy came in our lives" Eli states with a smile.
Rick smiles remembering his son.
B&W Rick: "Andy. . He's 2 years old now! . . He's gorgeous. . well he always has been. I remember the nurse telling me he was a success through the hospital. I couldn't have been more proud. . people often congratulate me for his beauty. He has my eye color, my dark brown hair, Lily's nose and lips, but my smile. There are traces of both me and Lily and there are moments when I see myself inside him. . and others where I see her inside his eyes. . I love this"
"Mom are you pregnant?" Jessie asks hopeful
"No. ."
"Jess, mom and dad are getting a divorce" Rick says with his thoughts still away from there.
The kids look at each other with weird looks in their faces, they can't understand this.
"What?" Jessie asks with tears in her eyes.
Rick approaches her "Sweetie, I'm so sorry . . This is hard I know, but we couldn't do this anymore. We were both miserable, we don't love each other anymore and this can't go on like this"
"Why?" She keeps asking.
"Jessie a couple needs love and respect to be married and your father just doesn't feel this anymore" Karen states trying to blame it on .
The kids look at each other with weird looks in their faces, they can't understand this.
"What?" Jessie asks with tears in her eyes.
Rick approaches her "Sweetie, I'm so sorry . . This is hard I know, but we couldn't do this anymore. We were both miserable, we don't love each other anymore and this can't go on like this"
"Why?" She keeps asking.
"Jessie a couple needs love and respect to be married and your father just doesn't feel this anymore" Karen states trying to blame it on Rick alone.
"No, we both don't feel this way anymore for each other."
Rick finally looks at his son. Eli has had no reaction still. He's just sitting there letting the news sink inside him.
Rick doesn't ask a question. He knows Eli's pretty much like his grandfather, they don't talk, never had, never will. They let the news inside their stomach like a bomb they have eaten and go on with life with that lump in there where the bomb exploded at some point.
"Where's daddy going to live?" Jessie asks still crying.
"Sam's brother owns a building not far from here and he has offered me an apartment."
Rick informs.
"When are you living us?" Eli's voice is finally heard.
"Tonight!" Rick says.
"But there's no bed in the apartment yet. . how . ."
"Jess, I went out yesterday to put some furniture in the apartment."
At night Rick leaves after having to reassure Jessie that he wouldn't be alone, Andy would stay with him that night. .. But what she didn't know was that Lily would end up sleeping there to. On the couch of course but still . .
Lily wakes up looking around her trying to place where she is, after two minutes she finally remembers.
She doesn't know if it's because the apartment is dark and with very few furniture or because she knows what Jake's doing, but she feels lonely, in need of an embrace. Tears begin to roll down her eyes.
B&W Lily: "Having Andy just made things between me and Jake get worse. . . He stopped cheating on me for some time. . I think he was taken aback when Rick came in . . felt intimidated or something . . but about 5 months ago he started doing it again. Staying out until 1 in the morning, telling me he needed to go out of town. . like this week!. .And I don't know why but I just don't want to try anymore . . It's as if . . as if I wanted this!"
She stands up from the couch and moves into Rick's room. There she stays admiring his face below her for some time, until Rick opens his eyes to adore her.
"I just need snuggle" She tells him but the truth was she didn't have to say a word Rick could see it in her eyes. He opens the covers for her and she settles herself in his arms, holding his hand in hers. Rick's nose sinks in her hair and they fall asleep.
Rick wakes up alone in the room, feeling the sunlight on his face he finally realizes where he is and why he's alone there.
He finds a tray with breakfast on a table in his room, laying there a note from Lily:
"Hope you enjoy your breakfast, in your new life. Know that we'll always be here for you, like you have always been there for us every step of the way. You just have to call. Love : Lily and Andy"
There's no doubt in Rick's mind, he picks up the phone and dials the number.
"My sister's bookstore. ." Lily mumbles on the phone
"The card said I just had to call"
Lily smiles "The card's right. . I meant to call you to thank you for last night."
"Oh believe me, holding you in my arms was all my pleasure."
"You do not change"
"My feelings for you don't"
"Rick. ."
"I won't talk anymore. . look I was wondering . . I haven't spend as much time as I wanted with Andy since he was born so I was wondering if I could have him this week and than we'll talk about new arrangements when I return him. What do you say?"
"I'll get his things ready when I get home and you can pick him up"
"Great! Thank you so much"
"You're his father, you should spend time with him"
"Thanks"
At night:
Rick, Jessie, Eli and Andy are sitting at Rick's dinner table. All having Chinese, all beside Andy that is, he's having a milk bottle and some fries.
"You didn't unpack yet" Jessie notices
"I never said I was a homemaker"
"Mummy unpacked"
"You're right, Andy, mummy unpacked for me"
"So are you like going to marry Lily now?" Eli asks
"Eli!! She is married! I can't marry her. . . I have to get rid of Jake first. . Look guys I know how you feel right now! This is tuff on you, but you have to understand that you're mother and I were very unhappy"
Both kids sink their heads knowing their father's telling the truth.
B&W Eli: " It's true! . . They fought like hell! . . I mean they were ok together till I was around 7 than . . I don't know, Jessie was 2 and my parents started fighting over everything . . There were nights I sat outside for hours while they yelled at each other. . Than my dad would call Lily. . sometimes he ended up going there"
Rick stands in his room ,gently rocking Andy in his arms. The boy's chin rests on Rick's shoulder, his tiny fingers hold his daddy's earlobe while the other hand holds on to his tea bottle as Rick sings "soul of my soul". Slowly Andy closes his eyes, falling asleep, he looses so the grip on Rick's earlobe and his daddy notices he's deep asleep.
Rick places Andy in the middle of his bed, where he has set a couple of pillows to make sure his son is safe and comfortable.
B&W Rick: "This is the moment where he's really just a baby, the way he holds on my earlobe to feel I'm there and not going to leave, and than when I lay him down . . he sleeps just like her . .the most difficult part of this is this fear I have that my son will feel left behind . . I wouldn't bare this. To have this tiny thing have his heartbroken. . I remember when he was still a newborn he was still crying trough the night and Lily had read that you have to leave the baby crying the whole night until it stops. . Lily and I couldn't . . we felt like we were breaking his heart, making him believe that we would not be there . . it was the first time I sang "soul of my soul" to him. ."
