Defective Detective
Part V: Technicolor! (And Archduke Ferdinand's Grand Rise)
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Harm lovingly fastened his Bad Guy cloak over his shoulders and made sure to check that his lipstick and face paint wasn't too thick: he didn't want to give them the wrong impression. Hoisting the impossibly large weapon to his shoulder, he waited in his inner sanctum, knowing they were coming.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And finally decided that, no, it wasn't worth waiting. He was practically dying of old age waiting for them to come in. Besides, Rule #492 of the Early 1900s Film Guidelines On How To Be A Successful Villain(ess) book explicitly stated that after four 'and waited's, a villain/villianess needed to bring the fight to the heroes/good people/et cetera. Never mind the subscript stating that this usually ended in the villain/villianess' crushing, bruising defeat.
"I'll never understand why it took so long to get here," Secret groaned, massaging her weary heels as she plopped to the sidewalk in front of the apartment building, legs stretched out before her. "It isn't normal."
"Repeating track," Timothy yawned, patting absently at his mouth. He wished he'd been able to finish his nap earlier… "Playing the same background over and over and over. Nutsy, isn't it?"
"Very," Secret agreed.
"I need a drink," Lobo groused, loading his rifle casually. "Or two. Or three."
The overcast sky was darkening, rain falling harder and faster. Blurry streams of rainwater inhibited eyesight and slowly soaked through whatever pieces of clothing had not yet been soaked completely. Absently, Secret plucked her drooping hat off of her limp hair and wrung it between her chilled, wet hands. Water pooled at her bare feet, springing from the bottom of her hat, and she replaced the hat, smashing it firmly down on her hair. Morosely, it was quickly wettened again. "Fudge," she exhaled noisily.
"Fudge indeed," a cruel voice interjected and the trio whirled around, staring at the tall man before them. Billy, or Harm as he was now, smiled in cold, evil triumph down at them. Secret froze, her face draining of all (newly gained) color as she swallowed thickly. "Hello, little sister. Fancy meeting you here." A lengthy pause passed and Harm contorted his face. "Good Lord, did I just use the word 'fancy?'" he muttered. "Oh, but never mind that! I shall kill all of you because…I'm…not…," he frowned, trying to think of something witty that would remain in the viewer's mind forever, "a nice person!" Well, it wasn't witty.
"Backstabbing pig!" a new voice hissed and, out of the dark shadows of a conveniently located mailbox (?!), "Archduke Ferdinand" came flying forth, tackling Harm with great dignity. "I am Archduke Ferdinand, true heir to the throne! You have usurped my crown, made a mockery of my kingdom, and eaten the peel of a banana!"
"That's just wrong," Secret said, horror in her voice. "No brother of mine would eat a banana peel!"
"Supervillain-ism doesn't pay much, okay?" Harm snapped before Bart slugged him.
"That was pretty convenient that you guys showed up in the nick of time," Timothy told Cissie, who was doing her best to ignore Anita and Lobo.
"Well, we figured that you all would need help if you were going to fight someone sick enough to eat banana peel," Cissie replied, not missing a beat. She paused. "Okay, the narrator told us to get our fannies over to the only run-down apartment in the city. So sue me."
"There's a…narrator for this thing?" Secret questioned, a strange look on her face.
"I am no longer Archduke Ferdinand! I am now King Archduke Ferdinand! Bow before me, peasants! Bow!"
