One Regret: Act of Remorse

Written By: Rage of BlackMist

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing nor any of it's characters. Gundam Wing belongs to the property of the Sotsu Agency, Sunrise and Fuji TV, NOT ME. Though, I do wish is does.

Author's Note: Hilde is the voice of the story.

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"The biggest regrets in life are the chances you never take."
-Hilde


My mind beseeched for more oxygen as the life I proudly held slipped through my lungs; the air that struggled to remain in my body decreasing slowly, responding as if I were dead, even so knowing that I was alive. I could feel the warmth of his hand radiating beneath my chin; myself not believing it to be his, though knowing all the same that it was.


His eyes I will never forget. They were beautiful, gorgeous, extraordinary and I kicked myself mentally for not realizing it sooner. Had I known their strength nay the altruistic hold they concealed so well, instead of the pain they visage, I'd been bewitched more easily.


Irrespective of the fool that I am, at this very moment I was frightened to close my eyes, dreading that all was a fantasy, a vision bound to disappear. At any rate, the only act of vanish in his orbs was the chaos that was stolen as I inched closer to his muscular frame, bringing my lips to mere centimeters away. I could even hear the smooth intake of air as I snatched his breath away in the wake, parting his lips to savor a kiss.


Sensing his response to my insist, all that I cared for and valued was put on hold; I was not going to allow this moment to be ruined. Having felt the power of his kiss, him luring me closer to his warmth, his thoughts were exact. Regardless if my subconscious was urging me to step back to comprehend what was happening, my lips had a mind of their own.


All I could taste was him, all I wanted was just this moment- everything else didn't matter. With my eyes shut, I pictured his serious eyes, the same ones that haunted my dreams more than I liked. Something about the mystery that lay beneath them caught my fancy and held my attention for all these past years.


These years, too many to remember yet not enough to forget were my gateway from death to the living. Had I not met him, I'd be just another lonely soldier who died during the war, fighting to protect it's beliefs; wanting to end it's life to escape the hell that God gave it.


Too bad I was once one of those beings who cared not for themselves only to prove that life has no meaning. Nonetheless, Duo taught me to live richly, and I do not repute that even the greatest gift of all would be a good enough repayment in gratitude for his teachings.


Whilst minutes pushed on, my mind seemed to be at pause yet fast-forwarding at the same time. Illusions nay memories from long ago swarmed around me, like a merry-go-round; spinning around objects, viewing them with hazy eyes. Confusion took the last of the air daring me to end our kiss. I had no choice; I stepped back, and opened my eyes. Slowly I gazed into his.


It scared yet pleased me that I was finally the reflection cast in them; I was finally the center of his universe. And for just a second I was indulged- I was content and nothing mattered to me.


It was then when I felt a rakish chill course down my spin, so chilling I shivered and panted from its coldness. He pulled me closer and I ogled more longingly into those orbs of his. As we stood there, I bethought that life had froze, capturing us like a snap shot in an intimate pose, locked in each others embrace, as if we were two ancient statue's telling the story of our past.


I dreamt of what it would like to return to my humble home seeking protection after fighting the twisted demons of a long day- my life. I was surprised when I dreamt Duo, who comforted me with warmth everlasting. And for once, I yearned for a life like that...


To my dismay, that yearning was thieved from right out under me, guiding my mind to a blank state. I found myself in a perplexed state of mind as to why I wanted such a life, where one only dared to speak of it using a fairy tale plot line and cute little characters. I was, yet still am, a fool to think that I could have had a life so heaven like...


Angered and cheated I felt as my dreamt fantasy was taken from me. For the feel of it in my bones, the taste of it in my mouth was too surreal that as I tried touch it, my finger pricked the sharp point of spinning wheel; and my dreamt life died as human words entered the silence.


His startled words were like liquid crystal; beautiful yet meaningless. I was too transfixed at any rate, by the power of his eyes, violet sapphires glittering in waves, that I just shook my head hushing him, even so praying all the same that this moment would not end. This instant was too unique to watch as it flees...


Nonetheless, just as how my dreamt life ceased, so did this precious moment.


Duo unlocked his arms from mine, steadying himself in the wake while he pulled away. It wasn't just the warmth that we created in which he left, but it was I too that he tore free from.


"That shouldn't have..." I heard myself utter as I braced my weight on the kitchen's counter with an ease I did not know I had. I ended the statement dry with a killing pause and sharp edge, until I summed up enough courage and said, "happened!"


"I know... No, I don't know!" His words were dry and cunning, putting me on edge. We had kissed, in doing so sharing a moment, and did that not amount to anything? So what if I was confused and wanted a clarification. At least I vaguely had an idea of why we kissed. He couldn't even conjure up a lie...


"You don't know!" It barely came out below a whispered tone. I most definitely had not planned on saying those words, that phrase so rude and uncaring like but the words slipped and it was too late to take them back. Considering that I didn't want to. Not really.


He swung me around and sought my eyes after the words left my mouth. I was speechless for once as was he. It wasn't often that I'd say something so thoughtless and stupid like but that night, everything was different.


"Do I dare apologize? Is that what you want?" He asked in a raspy hesitant voice.


I mouthed the words, "No.." and "Yes," though sill unable to make-up my mind. Should he apologize? Should I apologize? Why would one even be needed?


I looked passed him and out the window with hopes of seeking some answers. It was then when I noticed that I hadn't cared much for the moon that night, not having the pleasure in savoring the beauty of it before all this. The moon was full, lighting up the frosty night skyline with just its simple glow. Not a sole thing could take away the moon's majestic flush besides the millions of stars that painted an everlasting picture of elegance. Seconds, though which seemed like an eternity was spent wasted while I glazed up at the vast galaxy.


My vision lowered to his, myself finally making up my mind. "I don't want an apology, Duo." I hesitated just a little but urged myself to finish what I had started. "Not from you nor from I. I kissed you first..." The words left my mouth in a dying trail.


His reply was automatic. "Then what is it you want?"


"I want you to be a gentleman and give me a reason." I heard myself say, even so knowing that he was expected to give one. 'Perhaps a perfect ending too...' My heart bagged, evening to so knowing that I wouldn't be given one. Once again I was being held by him, only this time I didn't want to; I didn't trust myself enough to be.


We both knew what I had meant by 'a reason.' Despite that, I waited patiently for my due explanation, one in which I never did receive. Because of that, I slowly backed away from him and hastily quit the kitchen. I needed some air, just a little breeze of fresh cold air to cool off my skin. Perhaps even a minute to think clearly...


I came to a stop when I realized that the sound of my footsteps were playing a duet. Slowly I turned around and found myself toe to toe with Duo who smiled down at me with a grin that made my knees go weak. I tried to back away but he wouldn't allow it. Inching closer step by step, he planned to back me up right into a corner. He succeeded and I mentally smacked myself for allowing him to do such a thing.


"This isn't fair!" I reasoned though it did no good. "I... I... Will you stop staring at me that way!" His grin widened and I saw his lip's part into a slight smile. "Argh! Duo.."


"WHAT?" He chinned, "what'd you expect me to do, stand there and watch you walk away!" Duo stopped in his tracks, crossed his arms, and leaned against the wall. The years had matured since I had met he, because of that, so had his body. His frame had filled out, his arms were more thick due to muscle, his chest hardened from work, and his lips were more full. He was leaning right in front of a large bay window in the living room where the moons glow faded into the brown locks of his hair.


He looked too healthily, for the time that we spent time apart had done him well.


And what of I? Did I change ? Nay, I was the still the same one and only. The same Hilde, with short black hair, blue-violet eyes...


Am I jealous?


No. Just sad. He was given the opportunity to see the world for what it really is in return for his deeds in helping obtain peace, and all I got was money slapped and pinned with a medal of honor.


My eyes drew downcast and my breathing heaved.


"You're supposed to be a gentleman and leave." I answered smugly giving him that well-defined hint. Of course he ignored it, in fact I don't even think he caught it! For a minute, I thought I was going to have to repeat myself but I knew, I just knew he had heard me correctly. "Well.." I pondered crossing my arms in the wake, using the wall as a back brace.


"I don't think so, babe." He decided. "Nope, I'm not going any where!" His eyes sparkled with a tint of hugh and a laugh escaped his lips, while he grew closer until his frame was just centimeters away from mine. With one hand planted to the left of my head and the other to the right, he whispered into my ear a wary tease.


"Which bed, yours, or mine?"

My heart froze and my mind went blank at that very moment. Life seemed to stop, even so for a few minutes, and I tried to reason, rationalize what he had just said. At any rate, reasoning didn't work nor rationalizing for that matter. I couldn't think of anything to build off of. Duo always used to tease me about us or the would-be us. Oh heck, at that instance I was so confused and I couldn't even remember if you could call those old times even teasing.


While I was fighting to recall old past times, Duo took the opportunity to answer for me... answering with a kiss. I can't help but laugh at myself now, after remembering what I was like when he kissed me. You could call me a tard, a geek, a nerd, whatever the fav new lango the world created and is now using... heck even an idiot... but I think the best named that suited me at the time is haft wit.


Seriously, I was only half awake. Viewing this 'event' through hazy eyes. Standing there shocked, with eyes open, my mouth squeezed shut, and hands at my side, I was shocked! The earlier kiss I gave him was understandable; I was the one who kissed him.. But now he was kissing me and now I'm all confused. Argh!!!!


A gush of cool air fought its way in-between us, myself knowing that the hand material my hands pressed against was Duo's shirt and that the pushing was centered on him. I had pushed him away. For once, I knew I had done the right thing.


This thing, this unexplainable relationship Duo and I share, truly, honestly isn't more than a game. The other night I had thought about life, tucked away with Duo by my side, us in our own little home, sharing the rest of our lives together.. Building a family... Was merely just a dream. And like most of my dreamt hopes, it was stolen from me just like all the others.


I shook my head and put a hand to my heart, the other covering it.


"I want so much, but I am only given a little." A single tear escaped and slid down my left cheek. Moist, I could feel it but I didn't wipe it away. "You came back this time. That's all I ever wanted for you to do. I waited and waited for all those months for you to come back to me. I was lost, you were my only friend. And you were gone."


"I'm here now..." Duo tried to get it. He faintly trailed off as I kept on spilling my heart. What had started off as a friendly visit and welcoming back turned into a pain driven battle between not wanting what I am given and wanting what I can not have.


"I wanted a perfect ending... Now I've learned the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.


"I know that I'm not making any sense to you, but I'm finally understanding it myself and I can't stop. Not now, not while I'm ahead. I'm sorry..." My words trailed off from my lips, leaving the breeze's faint voice to echo through the room.


I could tell that he was getting angry with me. For he backed away and walked near the door frame, where light spilled out onto the wood floor. His shadow was gloomy, chills raced up and down my spin just from looking at it. Icy eyes met mine. He dared me to finish, and as I tried, nothing seemed to come out. I couldn't find the right words.


Instead he tried to make light of the situation and cracked a joke. "Oh.. So talking with you is short for the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience.?/!" Even though his joke meant to lighten the mood, he couldn't bring himself to give a laugh, not even a little.


"No." I heard myself say. "It just means that being strong sometimes means being able to let go." Of what I silently questioned.


"True..." He ended, but I knew it was only just the beginning. Distantly, the door cracked up, him parting with meaningful words. "But I guess I don't want to wake up and realize that what I was dreaming was right in front of my shut eyes... 'cause I don't want to stop saying hellos for fear of saying good-byes."


It was moments later when Duo's truck lights flicked on, the engine's sound igniting in my ears. How I felt the outside's draft creep up my arms, then hearing the door slam shut with a thud. It was then when I finally noticed that he had left.


As much as I wanted to run out that door and chase him down the street telling him that hellos didn't mean good-byes and that good-byes aren't forever... That waking up and realizing that what you dream was right in front of your shut eyes doesn't mean the end. For we both know that it doesn't. Sorunning after him isn't going to change what has already begun between the two of us.


I do not hate him, nor does he hate I. We care for each other in words that are unexplainable. We just don't know how much we care for each other yet. I suppose that what regrets are for.


"For the biggest regrets in life are the chances you never take."

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TBC

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