Disclaimer: I don't own 'em! At least all the normal characters you recognize, I'm just borrowing the said characters. If I owned them, you could guarantee BtVS wouldn't be nearly such a good show as it is now! The story, my ego, and my soul belong to me, but if you want to give a kind donation, *ahem* I'll loan 'em out! LOL. J/K.

Author's Notes: This is the third in a series of letters between the most unlikely, and likely people. There will be four in the "Passion for Death" series: Drive, Reasons, Escape, and Heaven. The first is from Spike's POV, the second is from Darla's POV, the third is from Buffy's POV, and the fourth is from Dawn's POV. These four characters will have more in common then you first would suspect. NO PAIRINGS.

Summary: Buffy clears up some things to the one person she owes an explanation.

Song: "You better lose yourself in the moment… you only get one shot, do not miss your chance…" Lose Yourself - Eminem

Rating: 14-A for slight language and violence





Escape
Third in the "Passion For Death" series
By ~Delenn~




Dearest Little Sister,

I know you must hate me by now. What with all that they've told you, and I'm sure they've told you everything. You have a right to hate me, you know. I mean, it's okay, to be angry.

I want you to know, it never mattered to me that you were the key. I wanted to watch you grow up and have a normal life before, and I want you to now.

It's just; you know how hard it's been for me. Years, never ending, Dawn, one day off a year, and they never could take that day off. I had to face that it wasn't going to change, wasn't going to stop, and I wasn't going to make a difference. I'm one in a long line that will keep continuing.

And I know that this is the part you don't understand, you can't see how I changed from seeing the good fight, the right fight, to seeing hell. I mean, I slept with Spike, and as much as you liked him, he was a demon, a soulless demon, and I knew better.

The thing that changed was, I died.

You can't possibly understand what that was like. I knew could see all the Slayers from the past, I could hear what happened to them, and I saw the girls who would succeed us into the future. I was in heaven, and I knew that I wasn't the puzzle, I was one piece, and I'd been put in my place, done my part. It was my time to rest.

I've been so tired for so long now, Dawn. Then, I was back. Back to a life that I knew had no meaning, that had already been fit into the puzzle, back to the never ending fight. That's all I do, I fight, and I'm so tired of it.

Everything's been so hard when I came back, hell, even Giles left me. And I know that I'm weak now, I'm the Slayer, but I'm human too, and humans are weak. My weakness, it's hurt you, I know it has, and you should blame me!

What happened with Spike, when we were sleeping together, it wasn't like you imagined. It wasn't the romantic fairytale ending you wanted to see. I hurt Spike, and he hurt me. Even when we were… *ahem*… together… we hurt each other. There's a little more to it then just being opposites, slayer and vampire… fate kind of stepped in and said a resounding no. And it wasn't like when we were fighting always, not physical, not even always emotional…. argh! It's really hard to explain. Can you take my word for it?

Then… I mean if you can't understand what we had, you have no chance of realizing what it was like. I know they told you what he did. I know you don't want to talk about it, or even think about it, and I know you really, really hate him. Like, death threat, hate him. I don't, hate him, you know. I mean it hurt me; oh god, he hurt me so bad. That's when I realized that I loved him; I just never wanted to admit it, for obvious reasons. But I get it now, why it hurt him so much with my denial. I'll never forgive him though, evil soulless thing or no! And my body, I know they told you, I wasn't in that great of shape. Now like I was going to get up the next morning after a hot bath and be all fine, thank you Slayer healing. It was… brutal… there wasn't any getting up from that, literally.

I know all this doesn't make it better, doesn't take away the fact that I left you all alone. I'm sorry, so sorry, that I left you alone, Dawn. I just… I'm weak, and I needed to escape for a long time, since they brought me back, I've needed to escape. Not you, never you, just life. And after… that… I couldn't be here anymore, even if that meant leaving you.

I just, I want you to know, I'm back in heaven, and I love you with all my heart. I know I don't deserve heaven for leaving you, but I'm here, I'm fine. Tell Willow that if she brings me back I'm going to kill her with my bare hands! I'm joking, kinda.

And you're doing good, right? Life is normal? You're living with Willow and Tara, I hope, I wanted that in my note. They're taking care of you, better care then I did. Tell Tara I'm sorry I she found my body, tell Giles I'm sorry I left, and tell Xander I'm sorry there was no note.

Your Loving Big Sister - Buffy