Radagast motioned straight ahead with his wizard's staff. "To get to the Shire, we just follow this road west."

"So," began Gary Stu, "tell us about this eldest being in Middle-Earth."

"I've never met him," said Radagast, "though Gandalf knows him well. He calls himself Bombadil."

"Bombadil, eh?" Mary Sue sighed. "I hope he's cute."

A week's journey of Gary Stu practicing being angsty, Mary Sue babbling about Legolas, and Radagast trying to ignore them both, the road took the group to the town of Bree.

"Yo!" yelled Gary Stu as he banged on the gates to the town. "We need a place to crash for the night!"

"Of sleeping room we have many," said the gatekeeper as he cracked the gate open. "Make yourself a home."

"That doesn't make any sense," Mary Sue mumbled.

"That's Engrish!" realized Radagast. "Look ! Up in the sky!" Fluttering in the breeze was the Union Jack with a red disc superimposed on the center. "Bree has already fallen to the Enemy!"

"Will you sleep with us tonight?" asked the helpful gatekeeper.

Mary Sue's eyes opened wide. "Eww! Pervert!" Mary Sue drew from her cloak the sacred hammer Bakâ. She steadied the huge weapon and with both hands swung at the poor chap.

Radagast yelled at him to watch out after it was already too late. The hammer swooshed past the Man's face, missing him by inches, then flew out of Mary Sue's hands and spiraled off into parts unknown.

"You'll have to forgive the girl," said Radagast. "She's a bit touched. Actually, we're on our way toward the Shire."

"We have many hoppits in Bree," said the gatekeeper.

Radagast started walking gown the road toward the Shire. "You two come on. Time is not our ally in this quest."

"So that was Engrish," muttered Gary Stu. "It didn't seem all that bad."

Radagast shuttered. "That was only mild Engrish. Here's the inscription on the One Ring in Engrish."

Gary Stu took the piece of parchment Radagast produced from his robe and read it aloud.

"When entirely it brings those of the darkness,

In order for those to find, one ring which entirely

Controls those of the land of Mordor which has a shadow."

"What in the name of me is this garbage?" said Gary Stu.

"We will all speak like that soon if the Quest fails. Come, Bombadil awaits."